So it finally happened, huh? There’s a hole in your apartment. Wall, sink, tub, floor, it could be any of these options – yet they all leave you with the same groveling request: Will you fill my hole? Simply mortifying. Similar to the previous predicament, you could have any sort of super since they all boil down to: A person you would never want to beg to fill your holes. It’s something us renters all have the potential to face, yet we simply haven’t put in the work to expand the lexicon for the sake of our collective embarrassment.
I’m here to forge a new path. Or suggest some options that might feel more appropriate to you next time you come face-to-face with a hole. Below are 10 ways to ask your super to fill your holes that don’t sound like what I just said.
SOS! The mouse doors are ajar.
This is great if you have a mouse running around the house. It’s urgent, clear, and somewhat mysterious…conjuring adorable images of a tiny crime scene, and more importantly nothing sexy.
Are you free to permeate the empty parts?
This is a display of edging. Riding the line between erotic and technical. If you do want to flirt with your super, but don’t want to be too crass, this might be a perfect pick for you.
I need help overflowing the shapes in my walls
The perfect option for our architects, engineers, and plumbers. Artistic yet practical.
I don’t think Courtney Love would condone this kind of Hole. You free to come up and jam?
This would be ideal if you had a very chill and punk super.
Can you patch up the abstract wall art my boyfriend made?
We’ve all been there ladies: Dated a guy who punched holes in drywall. Sick bruh. Here’s an option that makes it feel a little cooler, might even lessen the pain of the reality that you have to break up with him, but that’s next problem. For now you just want to communicate to the super that you have a boyfriend.
I need you to penetrate the void.
A philosophically sexual statement that begs all kinds of questions. Like, a lot of questions and maybe some problems as well.
Can you top off the empties?
A great option for our service workers out there! Maybe you could even start calling your super ‘chef’ just to spice things up.
The house has been injured. Scalpel?
Another career specific option that sanitizes the ask.
I beg of you to mend the patches of my home.
Desperate, but oh so whimsical it almost doesn’t matter. This is a good option if you’re a renter looking to feel like a trad-wife writing in her secret diary.
I hope that one of these options can lessen the blow of your hole requests. You’re not alone in this. Just because you’ve found a hole doesn’t mean you can’t report it in your own way and on your own terms, no matter how confused your super may become.
There’s nothing I find less emotionally supportive than a narc. While I believe that police dogs can be retrained into productive members of k-9 society, Wolf Cop chose to be a cop in his human form, and you can’t train someone out of being an asshole.
If you’re the type of person who wants a pet werewolf, you certainly don’t want them to be boring and forgettable despite a stellar cast.
In his human form, at the right angle, in the right light, for just a second or two now and then he looks like Michael from “Arrested Development,” but most of the time he looks like a tall baby. It would be way too distracting to soothe my anxiety.
Sure, Reverend Lowe is good at ACTING supportive, at first, but then he gets all preachy and “Come to Jesus.” I can accept an emotional support animal who terrorizes my town with its bloodlust every month, but not one who is a textbook Christian hypocrite on top of that.
Dogs make us feel good because they always act like they love us, but based on his performance as Jacob, I don’t think this dude could sell it even in wolf form. I imagine it would be as if you could see him thinking “I’m wagging my tail now to show my character’s affection.” I don’t have the budget for dog training and acting classes so Jacob is out.
If I get a black and white service animal he’s going to be in beautiful celluloid and he’ll be lit properly, not just shot on digital and lazily de-saturated with fake CGI cigarette burns in the corner of the frame because, awww, he thinks he’s a real movie!
Never get a pet adopted from a video game, sorry, nerds, it just doesn’t work.
Admittedly we’ve never seen these but just going off the trailers, it seems like taking a werewolf from the Underworld franchise as a pet would just be kind of a lot. Seems like it would involve tons of leather and Evanescence songs, it would just be exhausting.
If you need emotional support the last place you should turn is to a teenage goth going through puberty. Everything is all about them. “Do boys like me?” “Am I cool enough?” “Am I a bad feminist if I shave my fur?” What about me Ginger? What about my needs?
As any dog owner knows, when fireworks are going off, suddenly you are the emotional support animal. It’s just part of the deal, and while I’m willing to accept the responsibility for an ordinary K-9 or lycanthrope, these boys have seen combat. I’m not sure I’m equipped emotionally or physically to calm a werewolf with full-blown PTSD. Feels like a blanket wouldn’t quite cut it.
Sure the idea of having Anna Paquin on a leash lifts our mood, but is that psychologically healthy? Probably not.
As a person in need of an emotional support animal I’ve got a mountain of anxieties and insecurities to deal with. I don’t need to add “The MST3k Guys are ripping my dog a new asshole” to my mounting pile of concerns.
I need an emotional support animal that I can trust, not one who’s going to act like my friend only to turn around and air all my dirty laundry on the evening news before turning into a monster. I respect the hell out of Karen White’s journalistic integrity, but if you’re going to be my service animal my emotional well-being needs to come before your big scoop.
My last dog came from a breeder and I never heard the end of it for not adopting from a shelter. Imagine the kind of flack I would get for getting a dog from a Miramax movie. “Do you know how many dogs are euthanized every year? Do you know what Harvey Weinstein did?!”
He’s cute in an offbeat sort of way, like those little weird hairless guys who win best in show now and again.
This would satisfy both my need for a constant cuddly companion and my love of Victorian-period whimsy! I just need to train him to stop reminding me that he’s an allegory for male sexuality every 5 seconds. Do they have classes for that?
You know I feel like we might just get each other? We both have a lot of baggage. Leon was born to a servant girl who had been raped by a crazed prisoner (who was driven to madness after being wrongfully condemned by a sadistic Marquese) and doomed to live as a werewolf because his Christmas day birth was an affront to God. And me? Well, I had a mom who could be very passive-aggressive. Let’s go play some fetch and work out these equally devastating traumas, whaddya say, boy?
There’s nothing cuter than a dog wearing human clothes, and our boy looks snazzy as hell in a Letterman jacket, but he has some behavioral problems. He’s a jumper, you can’t get him off the furniture, and he wants to kill everything in sight. Plus he’s a teenager, so I feel like I would be doing the bulk of the emotional support.
He attempts to turn himself in for murders he committed in his full-moon frenzy, so you know he’s a good boy. Unfortunately, this wolfman famously has nards. I wouldn’t want him to sacrifice his trademark just to be my therapy dog, but an un-neutered male dog can be exceptionally hard to train.
Sure he’s responsible for a series of grizzly murders, but I read that name and all I can see is an adorable montage of us hiking, playing fetch, and doing bath time set to that Warren Zevon song.
Larry Talbot is a stone-cold classic breed, basically the golden retriever of werewolves. My only concern would be that I don’t live in a great environment for this sort of pet. My neighbors are Dracula and Frankenstein, and he’s known to be aggressive towards those types. Maybe if I had a bigger yard and lived next to Abbot and Costello, we could make it work, but until I get my shit together I don’t think it’s a good fit.
It would be cool to have an emotional support animal with superpowers who solves crime. Unfortunately “Wolf Guy” never actually transforms into a wolf, so it would just be me with Sonny Chiba on a leash and that’s bad optics.
In his wolf form he could give me the affection and sense of security I desperately need, and in his human form, he can help me finally get my shitty novel published! He does like to piss on shoes, but that’s a fairly even trade if you ask us! It’s a very bad book.
David is a good boy overall, but I see two major drawbacks. One, his transformation sequence takes like, forever. It’s impressive as hell, but do I really want to sit through it every time I wanna take him out for a walk? Secondly, unlike filmmaker John Landis, David is haunted by the the lives he’s taken.
Perfect! A great dog is like a best friend, but Scott is your best friend who is also a dog. You wanna talk about emotional support? Just look at what happens when Scott struts down the hallway in his adorable Letterman jacket, people just come alive around this dude! He’s just got a super positive energy you want to be around. Plus my name is Styles and I’m always pulling schemes, so really this is a match made in heaven!
