MASSAPEQUA, N.Y. — Families with young children across the country announced their plans to find you in a restaurant and sit at an adjacent table while each member watches something irritating at full volume, sources who may never leave their house again report.
“As a proud representative of every family in America who can’t seem to hold a conversation with their loved ones in public places, I’d like to declare our intentions of finding you having a nice quiet night out at your favorite place to eat and sitting right next to you while all of us remain silent and blast the worst kind of content we can find,” said Cheryl Lamondala over the din of a TikTok makeup tutorial playing on her phone. “We’ll be any place you go from a shitty Applebee’s to a five-star restaurant and we’ll be bringing our devices as well as our complete lack of situational awareness. See you soon!”
Some say they are confused why every family in America feels the need to do this and question why they are even bothering to go out at all.
“I took my girlfriend to a nice romantic spot for dinner we love to go to and were having a great time when suddenly this family of four sits right next to us and immediately breaks out all their iPads, Nintendo Switches, and Amazon Fires without even talking to each other,” said Matt Burton. “One kid was playing some kind of game on a tablet while the other one watched cartoons with the mom scrolling through Instagram Reels and the dad watching a baseball game. Couldn’t they have just gotten DoorDash and stayed at home and just made each other miserable in their own home?”
Local restaurateur Chris Santiago says he has noticed an uptick in the amount of annoying families visiting his establishment but has plans on how to help manage the situation.
“Yes, we get these kinds of families in here all the time and as terrible as they are, they currently make up about seventy-percent of our revenue so we can’t really say anything to them and risk losing business,” said Santiago. “So instead of letting them know that they are bothering the other customers we’ve just given all of our waitstaff megaphones so that they are able to take orders over the shrill cacophony of everyone’s phones playing some bullshit.”
At press time, every family in America also released a statement saying they will be sitting right behind you on a long-distance flight as their youngest child kicks the back of your seat and the parents pretend not to notice while arguing with each other.
No way, Rowlf is a certified good boy and possibly the only muppet above suspicion in the Zodiac murder case.
“Okay, so like, tie her up for me, and then tie yourself up, and make sure you tie the bonds really tight or I’ll shoot you mkaaaay?” Yeah, we don’t really see it.
When it comes to The Muppets and nefarious activity, Gonzo is usually suspect number one, but not this time. As far as we can tell none of the Zodiac’s crimes were sexual in nature, and since Gonzo can’t so much as see a chicken and not get all horned up, the odds of him killing a person and not immediately having sex with them are extremely low. He’s far from clean, God knows, but he is not the Zodiac.
Sure, she has a history of violence and has at least one major axis-2 personality disorder, but the idea that Piggy could generate so much attention as The Zodiac and not take credit for it by now seems implausible.
Other than asking every barely legal girl who crosses his path “What’s your sign baby?” There is little tying Zoot to the Zodiac killings.
Floyd is the “lover not a fighter” type, and he’s too bombed out of his mind on pain pills to solve a Sunday morning Jumble much less create his out cryptic ciphers. Still, he gets oddly cagey whenever the Zodiac is mentioned. What does he know? Who is he protecting? Another member of The Electric Mayhem” perhaps?
Link is too high-profile to commit such nefarious crimes and goad the police, or at least he thinks he is. He probably isn’t the Zodiac, though the “accidental” drowning in the pool raises some serious red flags.
All of the Zodiac’s bodies were found by police. If Gene did it, they would all be in his stomach.
It’s just a name… or is it?!
What kind of animal is The Swedish Chef again? Oh right, human, curious species for a muppet. And what’s with the way he talks? Is that supposed to be Swedish? Our linguists can’t make heads or tails of it, and our researchers could find no record of his life before “The Muppet Show.” It’s as if he came out of nowhere, and whenever you ask about his past he responds with his trademark gibberish. He’s definitely a man with a shady past and a dark secret, could he be The Zodiac? Some of his letters did get pretty gibberishy…
It would explain the Zodiac’s frequent spelling and grammar mistakes, but we find the likelihood that Animal could create his own cypher dubious at best.
He’s the nepo-baby of the Muppets—everyone knows he only got the gig because his rich uncle owns the theater. Yes, Scooter is well accustomed to getting his way, and known for flying off the handle on those rare occasions he doesn’t. A failed pilot, a bumped flight, perhaps a rebuking from a love interest, it wouldn’t take much for Scooter to become filled with rage and desperately seek to regain a sense of control.
Sweetums is basically the Arthur Leigh Allen of muppet Zodiac suspects. Everything in your bones tells you this is the guy. He fits the profile perfectly, he once expressed a desire to kill couples at lover’s lane to Dr. Teeth in 1962, every scrap of circumstantial evidence says he did it but son of a bitch if one or two crucial details just don’t match up. You may not have Zodiac’s prints or handwriting, but we’re keeping an eye on you Sweetums!
Throughout “The Muppet Show” Dr. Honeydew seems to delight in being smarter than the police, or at the very least smarter than Beaker. He has an ego, a clear superiority complex, and has demonstrated what could best be described as moral ambiguity on multiple occasions. Could he also have murder in his heart?
You remember Beauregard, the low-key janitor? Maybe a little too low key. Arthur Leigh Allen was a janitor, coincidence?!
Consider the life of the niche circus performer. Lonely. Transient. Unstable. It can’t be easy making a living throwing a fish as a boomerang, and over the years that hardship is bound to make a man angry. Angry enough to kill and taunt the police? Perhaps. Let’s just say Lew’s boomerang isn’t the only thing that’s fishy about him.
He’s a lifestyle influencer now, same as half the subjects of every true crime doc made in the last decade.
Much has been noted in recent years about the psychopathic tendencies of the comedic mind. Fozzie wouldn’t be the first “clean” comic to live a sinister double life. If Cosby can turn out to be a prolific rapist, Fozzie could easily be The Zodiac.
Killers are frequently the victims of abuse in their formative years? Just how long has the B-man been assistant to Dr. Bunsen Honeydew? How many years of doing his menial tasks, suffering his egotistical insults, being a guinea pig for his various dangerous experiments? The good doctor has instilled a fear in Beaker he dare not challenge, but perhaps in a period of dangerous psychosis, Beaker found a new way to feel a sense of control.
He is canonically insane, as was Zodiac, and really, wouldn’t being a confirmed arsonist be the perfect cover story for a murderer? Psychiatrists of the time often speculated that Zodiac suffered from multiple personality disorder, and when you start connecting the dots it makes perfect sense that one of those personalities was The Zodiac and the other was a muppet demolition freak. Those are basically the two forces at work within each of us.
The multiple-killer theory has existed since the early ’70s, but the idea that the killers were working together and moonlighting as an insult comic duo is a new wrinkle. New, but not implausible. Consider how dissatisfied Statler and Waldorf seem with the world around them, the inner rage that must fuel those admittedly hilarious jibs. Could they once upon a time have satiated such hatred in a less savory manner, say, a cat-and-mouse game with San Francisco police?
Early psychological profilings of the Zodiac pegged him as a transient fringe type living on the margins of society., sort of like… a rat? Think about it.
The man’s name is “Lips” for god sake, he’s clearly full of rage and capable of anything.
Robert Johnson. Jimmy Page. The Bloodhound Gang. Musical history is rife with legends of artists selling their souls to the devil in exchange for wild musical success. Dr.Teeth’s long standing reputation as a calculating fame-obsessive makes him a prime candidate for such an unholy pact. Could the Zodiac murders have been his way of proving his devotion to the dark lord? According to a vinyl copy of “Can You Picture That?” played backwards, yes.
“That city pig toschi is good – but I am bu smarter and better he will get tired then leave me alone.” Zodiac frequently used the word pig or piggies in his letters, often referring to police and other perceived enemies. Kermit, meanwhile, has a long and storied history of suffering physical abuse at the hands of Miss Piggy. Could the frequency of this word in the Zodiac’s communications be a Freudian, nay, FROGIAN slip? We all know it ain’t easy being green, so how much could this frog really take before snapping and adopting a murderous alter persona to vent his frustrations?
According to psychologists, Sam’s ultra-conservative and reserved exterior suggests a sinister and repressed shadow-self lurking under the surface and waiting to strike, and matches the speculative profile of the Zodiac to a T.
