25 Punk Albums Turning 25 This Year That All Turned Out to Be Viruses When You Downloaded Them From Napster On Your Dad’s Work Computer

Posted on by Mac McCarthy

How has it already been 25 years since 1999? 25 years since you were a naive pre-teen who hadn’t yet experienced the joy of turning an entire paycheck into a fistful of punk CDs from Wherehouse Music that would eventually get stolen from your Mustang when you forgot to lock it one night. 25 years since your parents told you they wouldn’t buy you anything from one of those aggressive bands that your older brother’s friend with the green hair kept talking about. 25 years since you sat down at that computer your dad brought home from his new job and installed Napster to download them for free with the help of this new thing called the internet.

You’d spend days at a time tying up the phone line to fill the old man’s hard drive with what you hoped were the latest and greatest albums from the ‘90s punk scene, only to discover that most of them were actually computer viruses and mislabeled songs from NSYNC that sounded like they were recorded in an aluminum shed.

It’s hard to say now if any of those albums were worth infecting the computers of everyone your dad emailed that year with digital STDs, but that didn’t stop you from downloading these 25 punk albums in 1999:

Blink 182 “Enema of the State”

You pirated one of the most successful pop-punk albums of all time because you wanted to hear three men in their late 20s tell dick jokes and sing about dating high schoolers. You also somehow managed to install a copy of the Melissa virus, which would eventually render your dad’s PC useless. You learned nothing from this.

Jughead’s Revenge “Pearly Gates”

This wide-ranging album interested you because you were just learning the difference between SoCal Melodic Punk and SoCal Hardcore, and you’d heard it contained solid examples of each. It also contained a program that changed all of the passwords on an infected computer, making it impossible to do whatever your dad did at his job in the ‘90s. You know he hated the job because sometime you would hear him crying in the garage at night, but neither of you will ever talk about it.

Pennywise “Straight Ahead”

The kids at the skatepark all recommended the new Pennywise album, so you decided to check it out. You were delighted to hear their harder tracks beyond the melodic and radio-friendly “Alien.” Less delightful were the random ASCII symbols that showed up whenever you tried to type anything after this download completed. But your growing digital collection of punk music didn’t seem to mind.

Suicidal Tendencies “Freedumb”

Suicidal Tendencies were more hardcore than anything your 12-year-old brain had been exposed to so far, and you wanted more. Your search for more thrash-punk brought another 40 minutes of music to dad’s C drive, while also switching on an encryption setting that made it impossible to listen to your latest illicit acquisition.

No Use For a Name “More Betterness!”

You would download anything released by Fat Wreck Chords back then. Even if this album didn’t blow you away at the time, it was still a worthy addition to your growing folder of punk MP3s. It also happened to be an early carrier of the Magistr virus, which continued to fill that very folder with junk files until the tiny ‘90s hard drive ran out of space.

Pulley “@#!*”

Pulley was another SoCal melodic hardcore band you wanted more of after you heard them on the radio. Their shared members with numerous other punk acts is ironic in hindsight, as it was this particular album that shared pieces of malicious coding with every computer unfortunate enough to be plugged into the same LAN network at your dad’s office.

Good Riddance “Operation Phoenix”

“Operation Phoenix” was another Fat Wreck Chords release you deemed worthy of your digital thievery. This masterpiece of ‘90s hardcore crammed 16 short, heart-pounding songs into just shy of 30 minutes. You were able to listen to the album in its entirety before an embedded copy of the ILOVEYOU virus started opening thousands of browser tabs and crashed the operating system. The irony is your father hasn’t said “I love you” to you for nearly three decades.

Face to Face “Reactionary”

“Reactionary” was a needed return to the band’s punk roots after their recent release was deemed too “alt rock” for diehard fans. Face to Face let fans vote online for which songs to include in the final album, and it’s clear that several of them chose to include “virus that locks the mouse pointer” for anyone who decided to download this album illegally.

Tiger Army “Tiger Army”

This instant classic of a debut release from Nick13’s psychobilly act was unique enough to draw your attention. You used up an entire 100-Hours-Free AOL promotional disk getting this album onto the fastest computer you’d ever seen at the time, only to watch its processing speed slow to a crawl at the hands of a virus created by a bored college student.

Bigwig “Stay Asleep”

This album’s standout “Flavor Ice” is still stuck in your head to this day. Much like the heavy metals that leached out of your father’s dead, discarded computer at the landfill will be stuck in your city’s water table for decades to come. Maybe if you had just borrowed “Stay Asleep” from a friend, you wouldn’t have bricked your poor father’s only source of internet access.

AFI “Black Sails in the Sunset”

AFI hit the perfect middle ground of their constantly changing sound with “Black Sails in the Sunset.” Not as hardcore as their roots, not as emo as their later releases, just perfectly punk from top to bottom. It’s unfortunate that you never got to listen to the copy you downloaded due to a clever piece of malware that disabled the audio output on Dad’s business machine.

The Lillingtons “Death by Television”

The Lillingtons released one of the decade’s pop-punk masterpieces in ‘99. You decided it was worth risking it all to get a copy from an internet stranger. What’s the worst that could happen? There’s no way this SciFi-themed punk album would be the download that brought a midsized regional car insurance provider to a standstill, right?

Camp Kill Yourself “Volume 1”

This Pennsylvania-based rock band wasn’t necessarily “punk” music, but you downloaded it anyway, because you thought the titular skate tape had a good soundtrack. Listening to CKY’s debut album brought back memories of Bam Margera’s pre-”Jackass” crew pranking strangers and pissing on each other. Meanwhile, an included virus redirected all web traffic to one of the era’s low-resolution porn sites, which Margera would probably have found hilarious.

Common Rider “Last Wave Rockers”

Ten years after the breakup of Operation Ivy, which you learned about mere seconds before you heard this album for the first time, frontman Jesse Michaels founded another ska-punk group. Your search for a free copy of “Last Wave Rockers” somehow added a line of code that disabled the Save function in Microsoft Word, the only program your father really needed on a work computer.

Dropkick Murphys “The Gang’s All Here”

You knew, even in middle school, that it would someday be uncool to admit you liked the Dropkick Murphys. So you downloaded this album alone in shame, secretly craving those shrieking bagpipes that the Murphys’ sophomore album didn’t have very much of. Luckily, the fan in your dad’s computer would fill that void with the constant whine of its worn out bearings as it tried desperately to cool down the overheating CPU.

Citizen Fish “Active Ingredients”

This ska spinoff of UK hardcore group Subhumans was hard to find in stores near you. So you took to Napster again in search of more ska for that phase you’d grow to deny in adulthood. You’d also deny that it was your fault the CD-ROM tray would open and close at random after this until your dad snapped it off in a moment of rage and despair.

Sick of it All “Call to Arms”

You needed a burned CD of true hardcore punk to show the kids at school you weren’t a poser, and Sick of it All was exactly that. That’s right, the ska CD they saw in your backpack wasn’t yours! You were just holding it for a friend! You’re a hardcore kid! Too bad you never got to listen to this album, because the Form virus that came with it filled the screen with fake error messages.

7 Seconds “Good to Go”

“Good to Go” was another hardcore album you tried to pirate after one of the many times the IT guy from your dad’s company reformatted his hard drive and removed your secret Music folder. Your search for this album led you to mistakenly install the Sub7 Trojan Horse, which allowed your dad’s work PC to be remotely monitored and controlled without his or his employer’s knowledge.

The Bouncing Souls “Hopeless Romantic”

The title track from the Souls’ 1999 release was echoing in your mind as you went from hopelessly in love with your new favorite music genre, to completely hopeless for the future of the computer you understood just enough to destroy. What was that countdown timer that popped up on the screen? Why won’t the computer display anything other than that infamous Blue Screen of Death?

Hot Water Music “No Division”

After a two-month “breakup” the year before, Hot Water Music reunited to release their third raspy take on what punk music of the next millennium should sound like. The file that contained this album would go on to release the credit card numbers of every customer who used the online payment section of your dad’s company’s website, damaging their reputation permanently.

Teen Idols “Pucker Up”

At this point, you were downloading illegal copies of punk as often as your terrified father was being written up for security breaches at his new job. You barely even listened to “Pucker Up” before you decided it was too repetitive and deleted it to make space for more new albums on Dad’s overworked hard drive. It wasn’t even about the music at this point was it?

Down By Law “Fly the Flag”

You were 12 and you couldn’t understand if the political lyrics on “Fly the Flag” were truly deep or just the pseudo-intellectual rantings of singer Dave Smalley now that he’d gotten his Master’s Degree in political science. You gave this album so little attention, it hardly justified the malicious code that crept into your printer and spread to every new computer that connected to it. The printer? Wow, that’s a new one.

Agnostic Front “Riot, Riot, Upstart”

It was becoming clear that your unsupervised internet access was the source of your dad’s computer problems. You tried to streamline your focus to new releases from classic hardcore outfits and their shouted, 90-second songs. This Agnostic Front album was one of your only downloads that didn’t have any negative effect on the computer you copied it to, at least for a few months until the Michelangelo virus awakened and rearranged your dad’s hard drive.

Diesel Boy “Sofa King Cool”

With an album name so clever and edgy, how could a 7th-grader NOT steal this Diesel Boy offering from the internet? This pop-punk album was fun to listen to, even if it wasn’t worshiped by the music snobs at your school. Was this album good enough to be the last straw for your bewildered father’s career at a now-failing insurance company? To be referenced by name on a pink slip he’d find waiting in his office one day? Probably not.

The Aquabats “The Aquabats vs. the Floating Eye of Death”

Wow, you were REALLY into ska back then, huh? That whole “I got my dad fired” thing didn’t stop you from downloading this, of all albums? Sure, it was more grown-up sounding than the Bats’ Third Wave Ska aesthetic suggested, but your dad was still reeling from losing his job. He’d developed a healthy fear of computers, and catching you using Napster again in your family’s living room is probably what drove him to full Y2K-prepper hysteria. We hope the Aquabats were worth it.

Nirvana “MTV Unplugged in New York” Songs Ranked by a Millennial Who Still Thinks Their Opinions on Nirvana Make Them Unique

Posted on by Courtney Hill

When Nirvana’s “MTV Unplugged in New York” came out 30 years ago it instantly became- and truly remains- my favorite album of all time without exception. Everything about it was captivating; the stripped-down renditions of the songs I knew, the covers I didn’t know (and still haven’t taken the time to listen to the original versions), the banter in between, and the fact that it was a live recording of a single performance. In the decades since, that cliché Nirvana-obsessed 10-year-old has blossomed into an even more cliché Nirvana-obsessed 40-year-old with plenty of personality-defining opinions to show for it. It’s an increasingly rare occasion that waxing poetic about Nirvana has any business outside of your most tolerant group chat so let’s commemorate the release of Unplugged with an equally historic ranking of the songs…

14. Come As You Are

Singling out the worst part of something great is a bit of a cruel errand but truthfully, everything cool about this Nirvana mega-hit is missing from the Unplugged performance. What’s supposed to be a moody groove feels rushed and almost jaunty. Kurt’s vocals hit the sweet spot but without the chime and decay of the instrumental layers the transitions are abrupt and the notion of an “old memmmorrryy” isn’t as hazy as we like it.

13. Something In The Way

The closing track off “Nevermind” has less echo than an inner monologue. It achieves a degree of bleakness that is frankly rare in music and yet it just can’t get bleak enough in this performance environment. Kurt delivers his apocryphal meditation on solitude in a low murmur over sparse arpeggiated guitar but the band joins with a thud and the song unfortunately begins to drag. “Something In The Way” is a challenging needle to thread and similarly difficult to sit in if it’s not quite working; even the band sounds uncomfortable.

12. About A Girl

“About A Girl” is certainly not the best song on Unplugged but is the perfect song to open with. Kurt points out it is off their first album, but what it may lack in familiarity it makes up for as a foundation for the show while leaving plenty of room for growth. The strummy guitars fill the stage as Kurt’s voice settles naturally in the acoustic space, complete with plenty of his signature grit. Furthermore, it’s a charming example of Kurt’s early songwriting; seemingly simple yet clever in the way the chorus finds its way back to the verse.

11. Where Did You Sleep Last Night

Admittedly, this performance would deserve a more generous ranking were its initial impression not somewhat lost on the naive ears of youth… not to mention someone who couldn’t understand how anything could possibly follow “All Apologies.” That aside, the song is a stirring journey through the depths of suspicion, jealousy, loneliness, and loss. The way the guitar stumbles in at the beginning suggests ominous intoxication and the rhythm never fully settles on being either a waltz or a 6/8. The ambiguity plays nicely since the title begs a question but the answers are foggy at best.

10. Dumb

Morose and vaguely baroque, “Dumb” sounds like a chamber piece being performed for a despondent king who doesn’t want to be amused. The rise and fall of each melody line is sharply punctuated by a guitar accent until the final phrase elegantly unfurls and repeats through the chorus like lengthening shadows complemented by rueful cello counterpoint. The focal point of the song is certainly the bridge; ironic since it seems to want nothing more than to shy away and take a nap to catch up on apathy.

9. Jesus Doesn’t Want Me For A Sunbeam

Though simple and obscure, this Vaselines cover is nevertheless impactful in the context of the album. In track order it marks a shift from the novelty of the Unplugged format to the intimacy of a special performance. It’s the first time we truly hear the full acoustic richness of the room captured on the recording, complete with cello and Krist Novoselic memorably on accordion. Kurt carries the verses with minimal guitar and clean, agile vocals while the choruses swell with the full force of the band. The tune is repetitive at the surface but the musical sensibility of the players achieves a greater depth with each pass.

8. Oh Me

Many Nirvana songs muse on sarcastic contradiction, but this Meat Puppets cover veers into the headier realm of duality. Kurt lends a gentle version of his voice to introspection on the meekness, vastness and origin of self. The playing perfectly complements lyrical themes in that both seem caught between emotions; neither anguish of loss nor hope of discovery but perhaps some space to think. Also, considering how rarely Kurt let his lyrics speak directly to feeling, it’s a little treat to hear him earnestly sing a line like, “I would lose my soul the way I do” for once.

7. Lake of Fire

Counted in with those four startling snare cracks, “Lake of Fire” is always a little spooky. The hell portrayed in this bluesy Meat Puppets tune is kind of cartoonish and not particularly threatening, but with one eerie minor strum we’re transported to the realm of a rabid tooth and the grave too soon. What’s chilling is that that realm is here. Kurt screeches at hell, but the emotional truth is in the whimpers and moans directed at how drab and sorrowful the real world can feel.

6. On a Plain

The steady groove and sing-song melodies of “On A Plain” are vintage “Nevermind” goodness, but it’s the absolute gem of a bridge that earns this recording repeat listens. The arpeggiated guitar is so spacious and the harmonies so ethereal it all seems to levitate over the room. Then in perfect analog to “somewhere I have been here before,” the moment passes like déjà vu and the bass line tumbles right back into the song as if the bridge was maybe an illusion. It’s an inspired section every listen.

5. Plateau

Again borrowing from the Meat Puppets, “Plateau” is an enigma that draws you in for a closer listen every time you hear it. The intro wobbles and slides between your ears while the verse feels like a folk tale as old as the land it speaks of. The “bucket and a mop…” shimmers but really it’s more of the mundane. Just when the song arrives at a place devoid of direction or answers it lifts into a soundscape of overlapping arpeggios and peaceful humming as if to close the metaphor; the plateau is not the point, perhaps stop talking and admire the view.

4. All Apologies

Between the song itself and the sad reality of posthumous release, the Unplugged version of “All Apologies” is simply one of the most bittersweet recordings of all time. Every element is at its very best; the tone of the iconic guitar intro, the laid-back groove over which the melody swells, crests and crashes like a wave, and the beautifully harmonized vocal fade out. “All Apologies” is the musical embodiment of the sigh of relief that comes with surrender, and perhaps as close as a listener could ever feel through his music what Kurt felt for himself.

3. The Man Who Sold The World

From the opening twang of the guitar motif all the way through the outro solo, “The Man Who Sold The World” is a mesmerizing collage of chance encounter, asymmetrical familiarity, a mic squeak, and the search for meaning in the void. Melodies wander in and out of major and minor just as the story wanders between memory and hallucination. It’s all very much a mirror of David Bowie and Kurt Cobain’s creative alchemy which naturally results in a recording that feels both vivid and abstract at the same time. Also, if you think the electrified guitar violates MTV’s strict Unplugged policy, hot take brah- bet you’re a blast at parties.

2. Pennyroyal Tea

Just when you thought Unplugged couldn’t get more stripped down and vulnerable, Kurt does this one by himself. Liberated from Dave Grohl’s career-spanning militaristic approach to tempo, Kurt leans lurches and limps his way through this mournful ode to frailty, inadequacy, decay and death. Though morose at face value, there is a cheeky humor to such exaggerated old-soul perspective of such a young man. Hilarious or prophetic, it’s a unique and endearing performance.

1. Polly

“Polly” is the entirety of Unplugged in New York distilled into one undeniably beautiful recording. Anything that could be said of the whole performance and its enduring legacy could be said of this song alone; simple, powerful, honest, celebrated, imbued with sadness and tenderly brilliant. The most moving part of this song about captivity and escape is how Kurt solemnly takes the first verse solo but in an instant the band joins and the whole stage blooms into one tremendous sound. The phrasing elongates in perfect unison, each instrument and voice is in perfect literal and figurative harmony, and as any lines separating players fall away, all that remains is the pure intended expression of extraordinarily talented people.

115th Final Mix Ready for Car Test

Posted on by Robert John Scucci

NEW YORK – Members of Tomorrow’s Yesterday reluctantly confirmed that band leader Simon Martinez is absolutely 100 percent without a doubt sure that the 115th final Pro Tools mix is ready for the infamous car test, suggesting the band’s debut EP is finally entering phase two of mixing.

“It’s been a long time coming, but I’m confident that we can drop our first single by fall 2025,” said Martinez while purchasing a new suite of plugins with his credit card. “Sure, tracking was finalized a long time ago, but you can only make your first album once. Writing songs is one thing, but mixing is a whole other art form that requires patience, finesse, discipline, and dedication if you want to do it right. I know the guys are fed up with the process, but they’ll understand once they hear the final product. Tomorrow’s Yesterday is just getting started. But for now, it’s time to pop this baby in the aux of my 2008 CR-V.”

Frustrated lead guitarist Tommy Holdsworth has his doubts about Martinez actually pulling the trigger and finishing the album any time soon.

“It’s been three fucking years,” Holdsworth stated while scrolling endlessly in disbelief through a batch of session bounces titled “new final kick drum levels (final for real this time).” “I don’t even think anybody knows we’re still a band. And when the album finally does come out, I’m gonna have to relearn every single part because I’m not the fucking Rain Man. I’m also pretty sure he mixed the entire thing with his AirPods, so the car test is going to be a real eye-opener when he finally gets around to it.”

Studio owner and friend of the band Gary Lumens is willing to help Martinez see the project through for a nominal fee.

“For $500, I can have this thing flipped and radio-ready in a week. Most musicians have trouble letting outside parties work on their projects, but at what cost? I knew this project was in deep shit when Simon hit me up for advice on ‘balancing the compression of the delay trails.’ When I asked him how he approached the gain staging, his eyes completely glazed over as if I just asked him to crack the Enigma Code. Best case scenario, he wastes another year trying to get it right and seeks out a proper mix anyway.”

At press time, Martinez was spotted Googling “how to make guitar sound good free.”

Photo by Trevor O’Neill

Help! Mike Patton Summoned Eagles With His Screech to Attack Me and I’m Legally Not Allowed to Fight Them Off

Posted on by Sidney Conant

I’ve been a fan of Mike Patton my entire life, and I was ready to do absolutely anything to have the man be witness to the screaming love I feel for him in my heart. So a few months back when I got to attend my first ever Mr. Bungle show, I put on my “Californication” t-shirt to make it happen. “Californication” the Red Hot Chili Peppers album, not the TV show, just so we’re clear.

It was midway through “Vanity Fair” when our eyes met, and a sly smile crept across his face. I could tell he understood that I was just giving him a hard time for that old feud he had with Anthony Kiedis, and I think joking about it kind of made us friends. That’s what I thought, anyway, until he hit that shrieking C5 note on the word “CUT!” that sent a swarm of eagles down from the ether to rip into my weak, pasty body. But I knew better than to try and fight them off, because even I’m not dumb enough to go against the Bald and Golden Eagle Protection Act of 1940.

Since then, my life has been falling to pieces. My boss gave me permission to work from home, but these legally protected hellspawns destroyed my webcam and ate half of my keys. I can’t copy and paste anymore, and there’s already someone lined up to replace me—I supposedly train him next week.

I don’t even remember the last time I saw my wife. She obviously had no problem watching me get eaten alive on a regular basis, but it turns out that having raptors start a family in our apartment was simply too much for her. Something about “not being ready for motherhood.” The little guys haven’t hatched yet, but the worst part is I’ll have “Egg” off of Mr. Bungle’s self-titled album stuck in my head until they do.

I just want this to stop.

The U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service won’t disturb these birds from what they’re calling their “newfound habitat,” and my local Congressman doesn’t have the balls to introduce an amendment to this Act to help me out.

I’ve played for these flying assholes tracks from Mike Patton’s entire discography—including “Birdsong,” which I thought for sure would do the trick—but I’ve had no such luck, not even with live recordings. Maybe they’ll listen to vinyl.

Or maybe I’ll just have to try and recreate his proprietary brand of vocal magic myself if I can’t scrounge up enough cash to see him again someday and beg for him to lift this awful curse.

But until I figure that out, I’m afraid I’ll just have to cry myself to sleep each night, hoping my wails can help unlock some extra octaves.

Middle-Aged Man Wearing Slayer Shirt Automatically Prescribed Hypertension Medicine Upon Walking Into Doctor’s Office

Posted on by Steve Packosky

DALLAS — Local middle-aged Slayer fan Doug Ulner was immediately prescribed medication to address his presumed high blood pressure upon his entrance to Southwest Dallas Medical Practitioners, sources report.

“Yeah, I have no idea what that was about,” the 44-year-old Ulner wheezed while scaling the 12 steps at the building’s entrance. “As soon as I walked in, a doctor who happened to be standing near the waiting room just handed me a bottle of something called ‘Lisinopril.’ I haven’t been to a doctor in over twenty years, and I’m only here because my wife begged me to book an appointment, so I guess I’ll start taking this medicine. I just don’t understand what it is about my appearance that made that doctor think I need it.”

Dr. Shameca Thurgood explained why she prescribed the medication so quickly.

“I was speaking to Daryl in reception when I saw a red-faced man wearing a ‘Hell Awaits’ shirt burst through our front entrance, and I knew exactly what his medical condition was,” Thurgood offered. “There’s a specific combination of poor diet, sedentary lifestyle, and exposure to over-stimulating music that leaves Slayer fans in particular much more susceptible to hypertension than, say, Sleep or Candlemass fans once they hit middle-age. I have a lot of patients today, and it would just be a waste of time to go through the motions with getting this guy’s height and weight. The medical attention he needs is patently obvious just from looking at him.”

Nicole Sanders, spokesperson for the American Heart Association, provided further insight

“Situations like this are actually indicative of recent measures that are being considered by the AHA,” Sanders said. “Certain music tastes, along with diet, lifestyle, genetics, and congenital heart conditions, are going to be listed as potential risk factors for hypertension and even Type 2 diabetes. We can simply no longer pretend that a middle-aged Neutral Milk Hotel fan runs the same risk as some oldhead who listens to Deicide. Alerting the public to this can save lives, and we’re looking to roll out this initiative as soon as possible.”

At press time, a second middle-aged patient wearing a Megadeth “Youthanasia” shirt was automatically prescribed Cialis upon entering the same office.

6 Times a Problem Came Along and “Whip It” Turned Out To Be a Terrible Solution

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

We all face problems in life, from agonizing over your crippling fear of commitment and proposing to your longtime partner to developing a crippling fear of rejection after they laugh in your face and break up with you. But there’s one thing you should know: despite what iconic art-rock provocateurs tell you, the answer to a problem is almost never “whip it.”

I should know. I have faced innumerable problems in my life that I thought could remedied by whipping them good, real good. I was almost always wrong. Here’s a non-inclusive list of six of those instances.

1. The year was 1987, and my parents saw nothing wrong in letting me listen to 104.7, the Station with Great Gustation. That’s how six-year-old me first heard the smash hit song “Whip It” and why I thought it was appropriate to deal with a report card filled with Ds by seizing a nearby pack of Red Vines at Kroger’s and whipping it. That only left yet more red marks on the page and I was grounded for two months, plus I can no longer enjoy the great taste of Red Vines without academic shame. That report card prevented me from ever studying archaeology beyond the grade school level.

2. Fast forward ten years, and I’m in high school. I plan to ask Mary-Jo Maryjosen to the prom, but I can’t afford a corsage. What to do? The answer, I promise you, is not to bust into a neighbor’s flower garden with a whip you borrowed from your uncle, the archaeologist, and attempt to whip the flowers into a passable corsage. My uncle died in Nepal two years later, which feels related.

3. Burdened by my increasing failures to resolve problems with a whip, I vowed to give the past a slip and take a course in conflict resolution. Long story short, I went to jail for two months for using a cat o’ nine tails in what I can now admit was clearly a hypothetical role-play scenario about job interviews.

4. This one is not my fucking fault. The cream sat out too long, and that louse Mark Mothersbaugh gave clear instructions about what to do in that circumstance. Motherfucker.

5. Picture this: you book a trip to Nepal in an effort to assuage the everpresent guilt of your archaeologist uncle’s death-by-rolling-boulder. American Airlines refuses to honor your frequent flyer miles, even though the fine print clearly states they are transferable. Nowhere does it say that the death-by-rolling-boulder of the original owner of the miles voids them. However, American Airlines has since added verbiage to its flight restrictions, saying that no one who has ever threatened to get straight, go forward, move ahead, or try to detect it will be allowed on a flight.

I also may have attempted to whip a Boeing 747 in desperation.

6. My most recent and, in many ways, most ill-judged attempt to whip it was simple. I was reading a scientific book about archaeologists at my local Denny’s. when who should enter but Mark Mothersbaugh, the author of all my pain. As if in a trance, I removed my fedora and seized a tablecloth, wringing it into an improvised whip with expertise that shocked even me.

As I pelted the Devo singer with lash after justified lash of tablecloth, he tried to explain that he was, in fact, Bob Mothersbaugh and did not write their iconic hit song.

Sorry, Bob.

Rookie NFL Game DJ Mistakenly Presses “Crazy Train” Button Instead of “Welcome to the Jungle” Button

Posted on by Steve Packosky

GREEN BAY, Wisc. — Local man Jason Broderick committed a grievous error in pressing the “Crazy Train” button instead of the “Welcome to the Jungle” button during his first shift DJing a Packers home game at Lambeau Field, appalled sources report.

“Yeah, this one’s totally on me,” a red-faced Broderick said. “I was given in-depth instructions on what situations call for Ozzy and what situations call for Axl, this is worse than the day both my parents were killed in separate car accidents at the same exact time. I just hope the fans can forgive me. I feel awful, especially because I was so excited for this gig. I grew up a huge Packers fan, so I know the Cheeseheads are expecting to hear the appropriate music to express their mood at any given time during the game. I hope I can redeem myself.”

Packers fan Julie Hernandez was taken aback by Broderick’s misstep.

“It was the beginning of the second quarter and we were up by seven with the ball on the 46-yard line,” Hernandez noted. “It was first down because Jordan Love had just completed a pass to Christian Watson after a stellar punt return by Jayden Reed. Anybody with half a brain knows that the situation called for a sick Slash riff, so I was really surprised and, frankly, disgusted when I heard a Randy Rhoads guitar lick instead. What, did this guy think we were post-halftime and our defense was on the field? What the hell was he thinking?”

Broderick’s boss Veronica Simon expressed her displeasure at the poor performance of her protégé.

“We went over this repeatedly before he took the DJ booth,” Simon sighed. “Jason went through our mandatory month-long boot camp, and I really put him through the ringer because I believed in him and knew he could excel at this position. I know he went into his first day knowing exactly when to play each song, and he not only let me down, but he let down his team, his city, and the NFL at large. He could’ve been great, but maybe he’s just not ready for the big leagues. I’m going to give him another chance, but to be completely honest, I don’t have high hopes for him anymore.”

At press time, Simon had decided to postpone Broderick’s training on the “Enter Sandman” button, stating that he clearly wasn’t ready for it yet.

Fact Check: Did My Neighbor Connor Really Have a Foursome With Destiny’s Child When We Were in the Sixth Grade?

Posted on by Steve Packosky

Disinformation has always been an issue in our society, and with the rise of social media, bad actors have been given carte blanche to spread whatever falsehoods they desire without any fear of repercussion. Growing weary of the constant veil of distrust I have to apply, I have made it my mission to root out all disinformation I have encountered.

This leads me to my neighbor Connor. In the sixth grade, Connor told me that he “did fingers, mouth stuff, and even full-on sex” concurrently with every member of Destiny’s Child after attending one of their concerts. I considered Connor my friend and thus had no basis for not believing this claim which, over two decades later, appears dubious at best. I’ve hired the Hard Times to fact-check Connor, and with such a crack team of investigators now in my employ, I’m confident that I can get to the bottom of this.

According to Connor, he was roped into attending their concert near our hometown of Walnut Creek, California a couple weeks before Halloween with his family to celebrate his sister’s birthday. He thought their music was “fucking lame,” but was pleasantly surprised at the show’s conclusion when Kelly Rowland gestured for him to “come hither” and follow her backstage, where the collective tryst supposedly occurred in the group’s dressing room. Connor claimed to have completed the carnal act in time to join his family in the merch line to buy his sister a tour shirt before his absence had been detected.

VERDICT

False. While Destiny’s Child did play a show at the Concord Pavilion in Concord, CA on Sunday, October 15, 2000, Connor was not there. The Hard Times was able to confirm through multiple sources that, while Connor’s parents did take Caitlin to the Destiny’s Child concert, Connor himself was attending Dribble Drills basketball camp in the gymnasium of nearby Walnut Creek Intermediate School, having been driven there by the father of another camper. In fact, The Hard Times was able to procure an attendance sheet from the camp’s former director Ron Barrister who, while completely mystified at the request, assured us that the documentation was likely still in an old filing cabinet in his basement.

I have since called Connor in an effort to confront him about his blatant falsehoods. While he was at first pleased to hear from me, his tone quickly changed to one of disgusted bewilderment as his deceit was called out. Though his exact words were “Are you fucking kidding me? Do you not have anything better to do? I have to put my kid to bed. Jesus Christ, dude” before hanging up, it’s clear he was attempting to obfuscate the lies he had been caught making.

I would like to thank the Hard Times Fact Check Team for their diligence and attention to detail in bringing light to this flagrant and uncalled-for misrepresentation at the hands of Connor, and I hope he sees the ignominy associated with this article’s publication as an opportunit to portray his actions honestly going forward.

Newly Discovered Cave Paintings Depict First Telling of Marilyn Manson Rib Surgery Story

Posted on by Carson Kile

CLARKSVILLE, Tenn. — Archaeologists reportedly uncovered ancient cave paintings that depict the very first telling of the Marilyn Manson rib surgery story, amazed sources say.

“It confirms a lot of theories we have had for years about the origin of that legend,” said tenured archaeology professor Adam Patel as he erased a crudely drawn mustache and devil horns off of one of the painted figures. “This painting shows that the story was passed down orally on playgrounds for generations, often by the kids whose parents let them watch R-rated movies by themselves. It’s amazing to see that tradition still being upheld today. We can tell by these markings that the speaker heard the tale from their older brother, who probably listened to an ancient genre of music called ‘igneous rock.’ Some notable bands from this era are Dinosaur Sr., Great-Great Grandpapa Roach, and the Rolling Stones. Not like a tongue-in-cheek, caveman parody of the Rolling Stones, but the actual Rolling Stones.”

Local conspiracy theorist Jo Baldwin had this to say about the historical discovery:

“This cave painting is clearly the work of aliens,” spat Jo as she turned the volume down on the YouTube Shorts she had been watching on her phone. “Isn’t it a little strange that multiple civilizations who never had any contact with one another all have their own versions of some ribless freak sucking his own dick? Obviously, Marilyn Manson is an immortal, extraterrestrial being who has been affecting the course of human history from the shadows. Actually, I wish it was from the shadows, so I wouldn’t have to look at his fugly mug anymore. I believe humans built the pyramids and landed on the moon, but no one is convincing me that ‘The Beautiful People’ is of human origin. That’s where I draw the line.”

Comedian and MMA commentator Joe Rogan also weighed in on the discovery in the latest episode of his podcast, “The Joe Rogan Experience.”

“These cave paintings are products of a time when men were men,” said Joe Rogan, while applying carnauba wax to the top of his head. “Remember the good old days when you could pay thousands of dollars to surgically remove your ribs to suck your own penis and no one made a stink about it? Nowadays, the woke mob will never let you forget it. People are just way too sensitive. I’ve actually been training a new Jiu-Jitsu technique called the ‘Madonna Wayne Gacy’ that allows me to squish my body in a way that I can suck my own wang without having to go under the knife. Andrew Huberman told me that auto-fellatio increases your natural testosterone levels by 200%. I think that’s what he said, anyway.”

At press time, the researchers who made this amazing discovery are now following a lead on an ancient tome that allegedly contains the first “transgender Lady Gaga” rumor.

Life Hack! This Serial Killer Got a Crucifix Tattoo To Ensure He Still Gets Into Heaven!

Posted on by Steve Packosky

We all know the rules: try your hardest to be a good person and spend your life committing honorable deeds to be rewarded with an eternity in paradise when you die. Those of us who were raised Christian have had this lesson ingrained in our brains from early childhood, and hopefully it’s motivated us to do some good in our communities or turn the other cheek to those who mean us harm. However, one crafty person has found a way around this holy doctrine and ensured himself a seat at the right hand of the Father despite spending his life causing nothing but pain and suffering!

Whoa! Is this for real?

You bet it is! Meet 44-year-old Brock Wesley Dunn of Plainfield, Wisconsin. An accountant by day, Brock has chosen to spend his free time torturing and murdering hitchhikers he’s picked up in surrounding communities. While such an, erm, alternative lifestyle would typically earn someone perpetual torment at the hands of Satan’s hordes of sadistic demons, Brock has found himself a loophole by getting a crucifix tattoo on his right bicep, and in so doing proven his allegiance to God!

Pretty cool!

With this hastily-designed and poorly-executed cross adorned with the word “FAITH” emblazoned on his arm for the rest of his life, Brock has managed to skirt cosmic laws and earn himself a place in the divine kingdom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ! Of course, this is small consolation for the poor hitchhikers trapped in his basement awaiting their certain doom (especially because Brock has recently discovered his proclivity for skinning people alive,) but we’ll gladly receive uplifting news wherever we can get it in today’s world. Hooray for Brock!

Let this be a lesson to those of us who have spent our time donating to the poor or volunteering at food banks that there’s an easier way. While millions try to curry favor with God by wasting their time with these costly and boring activities, Brock gets to indulge in his demented practice of donning his deceased mother’s nightgown and dancing in front of the dozens of shattered mirrors distributed amongst his house until he’s hit peak sexual arousal, at which point he can descend into the basement and extract specimens from his still-living victims for his macabre arts-and-crafts projects! That’s certainly not the way we’d choose to spend our leisure hours, but who are we to judge someone who’s so cleverly circumvented the wishes of his Maker?

While we most certainly hope to never have the privilege of meeting Brock, we can’t help but applaud his ingenuity. One thing’s for certain: there are billions upon billions of damned souls currently having the flames of hell lick at their flesh who would’ve loved to be in the know on this one!