DANBURY, Conn. — 48-year-old Bruce Wallach wishes contemporary rappers would introduce themselves as they did in ‘80s hip hop, sources near him in line at Trader Joe’s confirm.
“I liked it when rappers obeyed some basic rules of etiquette. Things were so much simpler back then,” said Wallach while enjoying some extra-mild buffalo wings. “For example, if I were writing a rap I’d say, ‘My name is Bruce and I’m here to say / I like to drive my Prius every day.’ See? Right at the outset of the song, you know who I am and something about me. Rap made after 1989 or so is basically incomprehensible. Who are they and what do they want? There are like 40 people in Wu-Tang—how could I ever sort them out without formal introductions? And don’t get me started on these mumbling Soundcloud rappers. Their intentions are never clear.”
Longtime friend Connor Hanson suggests Wallach needs to get with the times.
“Bruce was never even a big rap fan. I gave him a Public Enemy tape for his thirteenth birthday and it never left the shrinkwrap,” said Hanson. “He preferred the Phil Collins’ ‘No Jacket Required’ tape his mom gave him. Bruce is falling into the trap of romanticizing the past and getting hung up on nostalgia. I’m still seeking out new music and going to shows while most of my friends just pine for the old days. They watch old music videos online and order ‘80s toys on eBay, all while complaining that everything new sucks. Frankly, they’re starting to sound like Boomers.”
Old school hip hop artist DJ Tonearm claims that a lot of people are misremembering the history of rap.
“When these middle-aged white dudes reminisce about early hip hop, most of them are actually just recalling the 1988 Fruity Pebbles commercial where Barney Rubble says, ‘I’m the master rapper and I’m here to say / I love Fruity Pebbles in a major way,’” said the DJ while crate-digging in Bushwick. “Other than that, the line appears very seldomly in actual hip-hop songs. Guys like this think the pinnacle of rap was the scene in ‘Office Space’ where they beat the shit out of the printer to a Geto Boys song.”
At press time, Wallach had been overheard lamenting there being “no good bands like Pearl Jam anymore,” despite them still being an active touring and recording act.
This should be a surprise to absolutely nobody who’s watched this series. As risk-averse as he is pragmatic, Mark wouldn’t even entertain the idea of becoming a soccer hooligan if a girl he fancied required it. Yes, he begrudgingly tagged along at the destructive protest in the JLB building, but that was really more of a spur-of-the-moment occurrence, and he was really half-assing it to show his colleagues he wasn’t part of management. We know his true nature.
Ian is Mark’s infant son, and the fact that he’s so young at the conclusion of the series is only the second reason he ranks at 39. Come on, he’s Mark’s son. It’s not happening at any age. The only reason he’s nominally more likely than his father is that Mark doesn’t have full custody, so some outside influence might creep in.
A true intellect, Zahra would be far more likely to watch a foreign film or read Romantic literature than to even glance at the telly if she happened to be in a room with a soccer match playing. It’s true that she’s lived with Ben, who’s definitely not as high-brow, but she doesn’t really love him and wouldn’t be at risk of succumbing to any sway he may have.
Let’s be real, Stu used to be a monk, for Christ’s sake! It is true that he ended up punching Jeremy, but that was clearly out of self-defense and not something he’d ever willingly do. Frankly, it’s kind of a shame given how much of a hunk he is. Strictly with respect to physical form, we could totally see Stu fucking shit up as a hooligan.
Dull, strict, boring, and a possessor of a spot that you could make a night out of popping, Robert Grayson would be far more inclined to spend any free time he may have studying up on the latest bath fittings while enjoying a cup of tepid tea. While an errant shit in a display toilet may unleash his dark side, we’re going to confidently claim that even that is unlikely to turn him into a drunken tough guy.
Sickly and pitiful, Gerrard’s idea of a good night is comprised of playing with his cybermen action figures and, erm, himself while frequenting Dobby’s Facebook photo albums. Also, he’s dead, so there’s that. Come to think of it, by default we probably should have put him at 40, but his spirit is probably a little bit more likely to resort to hooliganism than the handful of people preceding him in this list.
Mark’s roommate and Met City Bank coworker in the show’s final season, Jerry is very similar to Mark, but appears to have a bit more of an untapped sinister side. He’d be more inclined to sit back with some William Morris while engaging in some civil back-and-forth about proper thermostat settings, but the way Mark and Jeremy “got rid” of him leads us to think he could maybe be convinced to cause some trouble.
Ah, the one that got away. Shoe salesperson turned historical author/lecturer, April is not the type to down a pint while concurrently smashing someone’s head in. She is given to spontaneity, however, as displayed by her public bathroom tryst with Mark after her relationship with Angus went awry, but we’re confident that that’s about as unhinged as she gets.
Gail is a strictly no-bullshit person. She’s extremely professional when managing the Mexican restaurant (from which she ultimately fires Mark,) or getting stuff done as a member of the Apollo House association meetings. She hates Jeremy with the fire of a thousand suns for his affair with her partner Elena, but she’s not likely to take it out on anyone but him.
Gog’s definitely spiteful and has a huge chip on his shoulder from the abuse he withstood at the hands of Jeremy while at university, but he’s much more likely to release his anger with passive-aggressiveness and obnoxious displays of self-importance. Is he likely to manipulate you into maybe buying him a kabob while discussing a song he’s hiring you to write for a Honda commercial? Yes. Is he likely to pass out in a pool of his own vomit while following his favorite team around Europe? We don’t think so.
Sophie’s mom Penny really just doesn’t seem like the type. She’d be more interested in hating her drunken husband Ian or making jam than moving to the city (which probably terrifies her) to chug ale and start fights. She is more adventurous than one would expect, as indicated by her sudden affair with Jeremy, but we’re pretty sure that’s where it ends.
You’d better believe The Orgazoid would have been further down this list had we set it 15 years earlier in the show’s canon. However, he’s sober now (good for him!) and pretty much only interested in drinking smoothies and paying Jeremy for sexual favors these days (um, not so good for him?) Let’s hope he behaves a bit more ethically towards his next handyman.
Representative at “publisher” British London, Greg is by no means a morally upstanding citizen. He takes Mark for a ride on publishing (or, rather, printing out) “Business Secrets of the Pharaohs,” although he ends up partially redeeming his reputation with Mark (though definitely not his character) by printing a fraudulent Life Coach certificate for Jeremy. Slimeball? Yes. Hooligan? Not so much.
Much like Gail before her, Stephanie is all business. She used to work in public relations, but pivoted after her divorce and is now studying for her master’s degree. She likes to talk shop while drinking wine and listening to Van Morrison. She’s probably pissed that Mark walked out on her while she was presumably planning on putting the moves on him, but that’s not going to culminate in anything beyond an icy stare if she ever sees him.
A genuinely nice and mild-mannered guy, Matt is rightfully upset at Mark for getting him fired with a fabricated story of him defecating into the gym’s swimming pool, but he presumably got his revenge with some organized judo at the episode’s conclusion. Also, he’s a black belt, so he knows how to artfully avoid altercation and will likely only engage in extreme circumstances. Not the scuffling type.
Eternally sunny and likely to express displeasure with a snarky comment thinly veiled behind a smile, Big Suze would likely not be offended by the idea of becoming a soccer hooligan. She’d probably just respond with “well, that sounds lovely! I’ve never thought about doing that myself, but I hope you have a wonderful time!” She likely still hates Jeremy (but curiously not Alan Johnson) for the “Indecent Proposal” fiasco, but that’s just going to show itself with more snarkiness.
Mark’s sister is perpetually horny for Jeremy, but beyond that she’s pretty centered around her career as a lawyer (or whatever the fuck they call those in England) and her son Joshy. Maybe she’d be interested in becoming a soccer hooligan if you found some free time on her calendar and penciled it in for her, but still not very likely.
Jeremy’s life-coaching client and male part of his three-way love affair, Joe is largely nondescript. He’s very young and has never even listened to the Beastie Boys before, and we don’t really know how he spends his free time beyond administrating surreptitious under-the-dinner-table footjobs and exhausting Jeremy with all-night raves. Save this, he’s pretty banal, so we’re going to err on the side of caution and assume the rest of his life isn’t nearly as exciting.
A sketchy person to say the least, Natalie does like to get drunk, as demonstrated by her proclivity for “Irish wine” the night she stays over Mark and Jeremy’s flat. We won’t tell you how the night ends for Mark (hint: it’s bad), but suffice it to say Natalie is more likely than a lot of characters to become a soccer hooligan. Still, though, it’s still not something we’d place money on.
Known for her relatively brief fling with Jeremy during her relationship with Gail, Elena is a full-time legal secretary who makes extra money on the side dealing weed. She does have a bit of a reckless side, as shown by her disciplinary issue with watching porn at work. Could that show itself in her smashing her bar glass over the head of a fan of her rival soccer club? Doesn’t really seem like it, but we’ve seen crazier things happen.