Fred Durst Threatens To Direct Another Movie if He Loses Lawsuit

Posted on by Charles Bill

In an effort to pressure Universal Music Group into a settlement, Fred Durst announced that if he looses his $200 million dollar lawsuit, he would channel his frustration into directing yet another film.

“Those execs don’t know who they’re tryin to play! I’m the guy who made John Travolta need a 5th comeback yo.” said an unhinged Durst in a video posted to social media. “If they don’t pay us the money we’re owed, the money we rightfully earned, I will absolutely direct another horrible film. I’ll get the wildest script from the hottest new writer in the biz, I’ll get Daniel Day-Lewis out of retirement to play the lead, I’ll get so much buzz on this motherfucker you will be forced to watch every excruciatingly mishandled second, don’t fucking test me!”

This is a developing story and will be updated.

New Traveling Wilburys Documentary Reveals No One Knew Why Jeff Lynne Was in the Band

Posted on by Jeff Bender

AUSTIN, Texas — The new Traveling Wilburys documentary “End of the Line” sheds light on the fact that nobody understood why ’70s singer-songwriter Jeff Lynne was in the band, baffled sources reported.

“Imagine our surprise when we learned of a fifth Wilbury. Everyone knew about Roy Orbison, Tom Petty, Bob Dylan, and George Harrison,” said “End of the Line” director Gary Gage. “But then there he was, right on the cover of Vol. 1: bushy hair, goatee, sunglasses. Who was this guy? The drummer? One of the Heartbreakers? Somebody said it was the great Jeff Lynne. I had no idea who that was, or even what ELO was, for the matter. We were almost finished shooting when we realized he was alive and could be filmed for the project.”

When reached for comment, Jeff Lynne confirmed he was alive, had been in the band, and had been interviewed for the new documentary.

“They kept asking me the most asinine questions like, ‘who are you?’ and insinuating I was some sort of ‘Paul is dead’ style hoax,” said a visibly beleaguered Lynne. “I kept telling them that I wasn’t the sound guy, the janitor, or one of the Yardbirds. You know, maybe people on the film crew didn’t know me, but I’m actually very known by the general public. I was right in there with Tom, Bobby, Roy, and George. But I gotta say, after a while, I’ve even started to doubt my own past. I think this is what people refer to as ‘gaslighting.’”

Rock mogul Paul McCartney recalled a conversation with former bandmate George Harrison just as the supergroup was forming.

“He was very excited about the band, you know. And he couldn’t believe who they’d gotten. I said, ‘Tell me.’ He said, ‘Roy.’ Uh-huh. ‘Tom Petty.’ Okay. ‘Bob Dylan.’ Wow. I said, ‘Is that everyone?’ ‘Pretty much!’ He was very coy to tell me about Jeff,” said the former Beatle. “Of course, for a year or so, he’d thought he was playing with Jeff Beck. I have to admit, even now, I don’t know a single Jeff Lynne song. I later learned that Lynne played bass for the band. Well, that makes sense. That’s how I got into the Beatles.”

As of press time, McCartney claimed to know the Jeff Lynne song “Summertime,” but it turned out to be by DJ Jazzy Jeff.

Opinion: I Interrupted Your Favorite TRL Music Video With a Fan Request 25 Years Ago, and I’d Fucking Do It Again if Given the Chance

Posted on by Steve Packosky

Hey you. Yeah, you. Do you remember me? I hope you do. I hope my face is burned into your memory, and every attempt at sleep is thwarted by the sounds of me obnoxiously screaming into a microphone on the streets of Times Square while you’re just trying to peacefully enjoy some music. Is it coming back to you now? I bet it is. I interrupted your favorite TRL music video with a fan request 25 years ago, and you know what? I’d fucking do it again if given the chance.

I revel in the thought of you eagerly rushing home from school to watch the video for “Ana’s Song (Open Fire)” by Silverchair (a rare gem in the stream of filth paraded by Carson Daly) only to have my countenance fill the bottom corner of your screen at the start of the first chorus. I told you my name was Julie, that I was from Michigan, and that I wanted to shout out my best friend Kristin back home. All of these things were true, but what I didn’t say was this: my sole mission with that fan request was to ruin your day. You had been waiting all afternoon to hear that song, and your spirits were crushed the second I appeared.

The fact that this occurred before high-speed internet and music streaming services made any given song readily available makes the despair I caused you even sweeter. That was certainly your one chance to hear that song that particular day, and maybe even that whole week. And to make the situation worse for you (and therefore better for me,) it was a school night, and the option to stay up all night when MTV played music videos without disruption simply wasn’t there. You were shit out of luck, buddy.

You fucking sicken me. How dare you even assume to be entitled to the luxury of watching that video undisturbed. You think you deserved the flicker of joy and satisfaction that song would have given you, you piece of shit? News flash: any happiness you think you’re entitled to belongs to me. And let me tell you something. I was fucking overjoyed in the knowledge that, not only was I occupying the television sets of millions of music fans, but I was the sole obstacle in the way of you getting what you wanted.

You may be asking yourself why I, Julie from Michigan, did this to you. After all, we’d never met, so there’s nothing you could’ve done to warrant such malice. Well, the reason for me is simple. I did it because I could. You were completely powerless against me. I had the opportunity to drink in your misery, and I fucking took it. And you’d better count your blessings that such an opportunity doesn’t exist today, because I would seize it without one fucking second of hesitation.

Missing Woman Found at Bottom of Tote Bag

Posted on by Sarah Feliciano

ASTORIA, N.Y. — Local woman Jessica Hayfeather was recently discovered at the bottom of her gargantuan tote bag after a frantic seven-minute long search, confirmed sources who had been looking all over for her.

“There I was trapped down there like I was James Franco in ‘127 Hours’ rationalizing cutting off one of my appendages or that girl from ‘Silence of the Lambs’ in the basement hole who had to put lotion in a basket,” said Hayfeather. “It all started when I was rummaging through my organic bag for my chapstick while rifling through all of my belongings when all of a sudden I fell head first into my cavernous tote. It was a harrowing experience. I lived off of a half-eaten package of trail mix from Trader Joe’s and had to ration the coconut water I never leave home without. Luckily, someone noticed me four days later, right as I found my chapstick. I knew it was there somewhere.”

Hayfeather’s parents were worried sick about her disappearance.

“I just knew that tote was going to be trouble,” said Lauren Hayfeather. “That’s why I dedicate an entire cabinet to used plastic bags you get from the store. I have a good 300 in there that I can use every day. Sure, I get side-eyed when I carry around my wallet, keys, and phone in a plastic Target bag. But joke’s on them. I’ve never once got trapped in one. Good thing too. That’s how people suffocate.”

The rescue team seemed to know exactly what to do in this situation.

“We see these kinds of incidents day in and day out around here,” said EMT Jenn Havensworth. “We once found a junior soccer team stuck in one of those cumbersome IKEA bags. It took a team of experts to get them out. However, the most difficult rescue occurred after a young man was trapped at the bottom of his fanny pack that he was wearing across his chest. To be safe, always wear a fanny pack over your genitals, like they were intended. Safety first.”

At press time, Hayfeather vowed to only use New Yorker tote bags from here on out since those aren’t big enough to hold anything.

Local Cops Battle for Night Off to Attend Upcoming Five Finger Death Punch Concert

Posted on by Ryan Danley

TALLAHASSEE, Tenn. — The Tallahassee Police Department is in chaos due to nearly every officer requesting time off to attend an upcoming Five Finger Death Punch concert, leaving leadership scrambling to cover shifts.

“Look, I don’t just want the night off–I deserve it. I’m a Death Punch Super Fan! If I’m not able to unleash on random people in the pit then I can’t be held responsible if I get a little rough with a shoplifter. That’s the trade-off,” said Officer Chad Rollins who says he’s been faithfully following the band since 2007. “Plus, I’ve got the most time in the field, and it’s not like I’ve ever abused my paid leave. I mean, I’ve only had six officer-involved shootings. Some guys hit double digits and don’t even blink. But me? Just six. I think I’ve been very professional.”

The wave of time-off requests has left Staff Sergeant Michelle Carter in a tight spot, who says coordinating the schedule this week has been the hardest logistical nightmare of her career.

“The last time it was this bad, I had to pull strings to get everyone into anger management the same day. And let’s just say that didn’t go smoothly,” Sergeant Carter sighed. “If I granted the night off to everyone who requested it then this entire city would be operating with less than six police officers for the entire night. I have no idea how we’re supposed to manage any real public safety concerns. Except for, you know, a great many of the public feeling safer without the cops around. We try not to talk much about that.”

To complicate matters further, Five Finger Death Punch’s own stage manager weighed in on the situation when he heard about the dilemma.

“Honestly, I’m not surprised cops want in on the action, this is basically pig heaven,” said Frank “Hammer” Dawson, who’s been on the road with the band for over a decade. “We see so much brawling at these shows, it’s practically a contact sport. Fights, pits, the occasional thrown chair—it’s just a typical Friday night at a cop’s house. Hell, sometimes it’s so intense that local cops come in for crowd control and wind up sticking around as fans. Florida seems to really be into that kinda shit.”

As of press time, Officer Rollins was too busy singing Kid Rock at the top of his lungs to hear a follow-up question.

Hold Up! If Columbia House Went Out Of Business 10 Years Ago, Who Keeps Mailing Me These Melissa Etheridge CDs?

Posted on by Kyle Donley

I’ve always been a reasonable guy. I don’t believe in supernatural forces or little green aliens. But some things just can’t be explained. The deepest mystery of the world might be the fact I keep getting random Melissa Etheridge CDs mailed to my home once a month like clockwork.

I’m no stranger to getting CDs in the mail, I signed up for Columbia House with my mom’s credit card when I was just 13 years old and got all the Jerky Boys albums for 10 cents. It fucking ruled. I was a god in middle school. I even got my first handjob to “Sparky the Clown.” After a couple years, I owned every crude comedy CD known to man, along with a bunch of other cool shit like the Spawn soundtrack and Jock Jams Vol. 2. But then I got an iPod.

As I got older I grew wiser and realized that Columbia House deal wasn’t as sweet as it seemed. I looked into canceling my subscription but the Columbia House legalese was ironclad. Ultimately, it just made more sense to let them charge my mom every month to send me a Melissa Etheridge CD. It has remained the only constant in my adult life, outlasting marriages, pets, and even my poor mother in the end.

This is all despite the fact that Columbia House discontinued its mail-order business in 2009.

I have 238 Melissa Etheridge CDs. I’ve dedicated an entire closet to them. No one is allowed inside my Melissa Etheridge closet except for me. All of the CDs are unique. Different artwork, different songs, all Melissa Etheridge. For years, I considered her to be the most prolific musician of our parlance. It was not until recently that I realized none of these CDs technically exist according to Discogs.

Every road leads to nowhere. Melissa has not replied to any of my cries for help on social media and I’ve since been banned by every Melissa Etheridge Facebook fan page I could find. I’ve written a letter to the Postmaster General each day for the past year to get answers, and still nothing. I thought maybe the Qanon people could help, perhaps Columbia House and the deep state are in cahoots? But they all called me crazy.

Resigned, I sit back in my recliner and put on “Barstow Boogie, Vol. 1,” awaiting for the cruel grip of Winter to present me with Vol. 2.

Scott’s Bass Lessons Unveils Exclusive 90-Minute Masterclass on Shoving an Ampeg 8×10 into a 1994 Toyota Corolla

Posted on by Robert John Scucci

LONDON – Scott Devine and Ian Martin Allison wowed bass players across the globe with their new masterclass on how to shove a refrigerator-sized Ampeg SVT 8×10 speaker cabinet into the back of a 1994 Toyota Corolla, enthusiastic tone-chasing bottom-feeders confirmed.

“In this class, we’ll run you through the best practices on how to forcibly insert an unnecessarily large speaker into your economy sedan like many of the greats who have done so in the past,” said Devine while nonchalantly drilling an ascending harmonic minor scale with an incredibly complex double thumping technique which can be further unpacked through the 14-day free trial to his extensive and ever-growing catalog of courses. “We’ll go through the pros and cons of bringing wildly impractical equipment to bar gigs that have 12 patrons attending, and how to do it with verve, enthusiasm, and the love for the game.”

Avid bass player and casual gigger Michel Arnold has his doubts about the efficacy of Devine’s new online tutorial.

“I don’t know. I drive a Ford Windstar, which is way bigger than a Corolla, and I even have difficulties lugging my Ampeg around. I’m your classic soccer dad with plenty of cargo space, but I can’t even get to the gig unless I take out all of the seats and slap some ratchet straps down. Otherwise, the thing just slides around, smacking into the windows and causing a ruckus,” Arnold proclaimed while pricing Mark Bass combo amps at Guitar Center. “But one thing I know for certain, chicks love when you roll out with the big boy, so I’m all ears at this point.”

Ian Martin Allison, Devine’s right-hand man, urges bassists to approach the masterclass with guarded enthusiasm.

“I’ve said this time and time again. Just like two-handed tapping on an MTD custom 6-string, yeeting an Ampeg 8×10 into the back of your car isn’t for everyone,” Allison stated while adjusting his hat in the reflection of the pickup cover on his Marcus Miller signature Jazz Bass. “We’ll unpack how to distribute the weight over the load-bearing capacity of each respective axle, so you can not only travel safely, but also wield an imposing amount of low-end that won’t even make it to the front-of-house mix anyway. But hey–if you’re too intimidated by our prowess, we don’t blame you a bit for simply buying a larger car.”

At press time, Devine was spotted using his new custom-built Fodera as a coffee table.

Patriotic Nu Metal Fan Does It for the Nookie and Country

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

JACKSONVILLE, Fla. — Local nu metal fan, and proud American, Gary Buski says everything he does in life is in pursuit of nookie and to enrich the United States of America, sources close to the man confirmed.

“I see this nu metal resurgence and I think it’s great a new generation is getting exposed to real music, and not the bubble gum pop bullshit mainstream radio stations try to shove down your throat. But these kids need to know that our freedom to get nookie is only granted to us because we live in the greatest country in the world,” said Buski while taking the bus to his court-ordered anger management class. “The first thing I do every morning is listen to the ‘Star Spangled Banner’ followed by a pledge of allegiance to the flag. After that I go down to the military recruitment center and blast a mix CD of nu metal favorites to get people hyped to serve. It’s just my small way of giving back to this country that has given me so much.”

Jerry “Worm” Cappilo, a lifelong friend, says Buski seems to have been born with a love of nu metal and America.

“I can remember when we were in middle school and Jerry dreamed of serving in Iraq so he could blast Disturbed from his Humvee and blow people’s brains out. Unfortunately, he completely failed the psych test and they didn’t let him join the Army. But that didn’t dull his love for America, if anything it made him an even bigger cheerleader,” said Cappilo. “I remember we went to see Coal Chamber in like 2011. Gary was the only one there with a giant American flag sewn onto one of the legs of his JNCOs. People were a bit freaked out, but that didn’t bother him at all.”

Former President Trump admitted he is actively courting the patriotic nu metal vote.

“I love those little freaks. Why do you think I carry Kid Rock around with me? The guy smells terrible, one of the worst smells you can imagine, but people love him. Not as much as they love me, I could probably write a hard rock album and people would come up to me and say ‘Mr. Trump you rock so hard, I didn’t know it was possible to rock this hard,’” said Trump after being asked about the economy. “If I’m reelected I will bring back Ozzfest, I will bring back the Family Values Tour, you are going to have so many touring nu metal bands you are going to be sick from all the nu metal. And that’s good for steel workers too.”

At press time, Buski announced he had written a nu metal version of ‘Hamilton’ that he plans on performing at the Jacksonville Arts Center sometime next year.

Quiz: Do You Want To Run a Marathon or Do You Want Your Friends To Pay Attention to You?

Posted on by Sarah Cassell

You’re starting to feel adrift. What do you want to do with your life? Should you start a podcast? It seems like everyone in your life is running a marathon. Should you run a marathon? Would that fix everything? Or do you just want your friends to pay attention to you? Take this simple quiz to find out!

A marathon is a lot of running. When was the last time you ran?

A) Last week I went on a run to clear my head! It was nice.
B)Running? I ran to catch a bus eight years ago I think and when I got on the bus I was so winded I puked and the bus driver tried to fight me.

What does a perfect Saturday morning look like to you?

A) Wake up, drink some coffee, then head out on an 11-mile run!
B) Wake up, brunch with my friends… or seeing my friends in any capacity. I wonder if they remember I exist. I wish one of them would text me. Sometimes I can’t sleep at night because I have this haunting feeling they are hanging out without me and making fun of my weird laugh.

What’s your favorite part of running?

A) Getting outside, stretching my body, pushing my body to its limits! What’s not to love?
B) Posting my run on Instagram so my friends can know that I run!!!!!

When was the last time you and your friends had a meaningful chat?

A)Last week! Thomas called me while I was running and we had the best talk! I ran two miles extra since we were having a great time.
B) Months! I wish they would pay attention to me. I even posted “deleting Instagram for a while because I need space,” but even then, no one reached out! Then I posted a story saying “You’re all going to miss me when I’m gone” and the only reaction I got was the laughing emoji from an old coworker.

You get lost in the woods on your run, what do you do?

A) Keep running! I’ll eventually find a way out of here.
B)Text my friends, “Guys, you’ll never guess what just happened on my run! Oh yeah, I run.”

What’s your favorite color?

A) Green! Reminds me of all the beautiful trees I see when I’m out running!
B) What does this have to do with anything? I guess purple?

Favorite type of music?

A) Anything I can run to! I love running!!!
B) Ska

Results

Mostly As

You should run a marathon! It’s a fun way to test the limits of your body and work towards a goal. You’re doing it for yourself, and you will be rewarded.

Mostly Bs

You just want your friends to pay attention to you, and your desperation is offputting to everyone around you. Running a marathon won’t change that buddy! Try having a kid, going through a public divorce, or just picking up your phone and calling your friend. It’s literally not that hard.

Iron & Wine Fan Visibly Winded After Hearing Song at 100BPM

Posted on by Shane Pauker

PHILADELPHIA — Avid Iron & Wine fan Kyle Bennet was recently seen panting in exhaustion after listening to a moderately-paced modern rock song, sources report.

“I usually listen to pretty laid-back music, but I was trying to be cool, and see what this rock and roll sound, was all about,” Bennet explained while frequently gasping for air mid-recovery. “Then everything started rushing. It was like lightning, at a hundred beats per minute. So much all at once: not just one instrument, but two, then three, then even four. I’m used to Iron & Wine singing and playing guitar at the same time — I’m even okay with him playing more than one string at once, if he has to — but this was a full-body experience that I’m not ready for yet.”

Bennet’s friend Carson O’Neil has claimed responsibility for Bennet’s exhaustion.

“I was surprised that anybody could have such a strong emotional reaction to ‘She Will Be Loved,’” O’Neil admitted. “He praised Terry Gross’s rapid-fire delivery after an episode of ‘Fresh Air’ finished up on the radio, so I figured I’d switch to music and keep the energy firmly moderate. Kyle told me he would be chill with it. He was drenched in sweat, panting, and crying a little by the time the song was over. He wasn’t just moved by Maroon 5’s lyrics; he was visibly spent by the tempo. I have no idea how to respond to this.”

Ross Trench, a personal trainer specializing in helping clients prevent tempo-related fatigue, wants to help train Bennet to listen to faster music.

“I’ve seen dozens of wimpy folk fans get stuck in a rut of slow-paced, frail music, but I believe that anyone can work their way up to hearing faster stuff without breaking a sweat,” Trench noted. “Take this dweeb Kyle, for example. If you start him up with Iron & Wine in his listening routine, you can slowly work his way up by having him listen to Punch Brothers for endurance, with weekly Dead Kennedys sprints to cross-train. He can increase base BPM 10% per week to avoid speed-related injuries. As long as he stays consistent, he’ll be able to listen to the original version of ‘Such Great Heights’ instead of the Iron & Wine cover in no time.”

At press time, O’Neill was preparing an emergency kit for Bennet’s next live music event, including an inhaler, water bottle, and First Aid Kit CD.