Heroic Suicide Hotline Worker Hangs Up on ICE Agent

Posted on by Tim Sheard

DALLAS — A local 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline worker abruptly hung up on a caller from U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement who was despondent over not ruining enough lives, proud coworkers reported.

“We are taught to never hang up on a caller- with a few exceptions, of course. Not everything in life is so black and white,” stated Katie Turner, who started working for 988 Lifeline after the death of her best friend by suicide. “A few exceptions are made for ICE agents, IDF soldiers, people who use speakerphones in public, and Stephen Miller if he ever calls. But if you don’t fall into one of those categories, we will work with you no matter how hopeless you feel. Your life has value and is worth saving. Those other guys? Not so much.”

The ICE agent in question, Troy Larrimer, has been showing signs of extreme depression ever since a February 2025 raid incident.

“I just can’t live with myself anymore. Back in February, I had a moment of extreme weakness where I didn’t handcuff this family’s elderly abuelita,” recounted a despairing Larrimer, who has tripled his weekly arrest rate since in an attempt to justify his existence. “She had an oxygen tank hooked up to her nose and was crying. While my squadmates were beating the shit out of everyone else in the house, I just kind of froze. How can I live with myself after such a show of cowardice? Since then, I’ve been dividing families and throwing teenagers into the back of vans but nothing quite fills the void I feel.”

Social workers described the devastating effects that ICE enforcement has on families and communities.

“Once ICE separates a family, there is no timeline for when they might be reunited. Sometimes it never happens. That’s why we call on everyone to resist ICE whenever possible,” stated Irene Garland, Child Advocate at Dallas Independent School District. “If you work at Starbucks? Jizz in an ICE agent’s coffee. Or maybe you’re a mechanic and are repairing an ICE agent’s car- whoops, you just didn’t happen to notice that new leak in their brake lines. If Congress will never have the backbone to eliminate ICE, we can at least make their lives miserable.”

If you are an ICE agent experiencing thoughts of suicidal ideation, remember this: your choices and actions have led you to be undeserving of the life you were gifted, and the world is better off without you.

Top 10 McDonald’s Secret Menu Items, Number 4 Will Blow Your Dick Clean Off

Posted on by Theia Hawkins

Holy fuck you guys won’t believe this shit. McFuckingDonald’s secret menu is real and it will change your normal dumbass lunch for the better. I tried the whole goddamn menu. These are the best ones and if you disagree you can shut the fuck up.

10. The McGangbang – The McBoys did it on this one — this sonofabitch is better than getting a handy at church. A double cheeseburger with a McChicken patty in the middle. I would have called it the McEiffel Tower, but whatever.

9. Big McChicken – Fuck bread. This slop beast is for you hardocore gym rat mother fuckers. It’s a Big Mac with McChicken Patties instead of buns. Get your macros or whatever the hell you freaks are always going on about.

8. Caramel Apple Sundae – First of all this shit goes hard. It’s appy slices in a sundae with caramel sauce. Don’t let those fucks lie to you about “ThE iCe CrEaM mAcHiNe Is BrOkEn” That shit works and they know it. Fight them outside if you have to. My move is I go “Do we need to get the manager involved?” and then I flash my custom brass knuckles with the word “Manager” bedazzled on the top. That usually gets Ronnie’s ice-cool sweet cream dick sauce flowin right quick.

7. Hashbrown McMuffin – At night when I can’t sleep from all the goddamn white Monsters I drink, I think about this breakfast orgasm. It’s a McMuffin with God’s perfect hashbrown in the middle. I love the crunch of hashbrown and eggshells.

6. Land, Air, Sea – This fucking abomination was made to prove that the kid who would eat weird shit at lunch in school could keep doing it. It’s a McChicken in the middle of Big Mac with a filet o’ fish patty. I choked this mistake down like I was a seagull in the parking lot, but you know what? It’s a goddamn right of passage. Toss that candy-ass happy meal and prove you got a pair by choking one of these bastards down your dickhole.

5. McKinely Mac – The Big Mac is for pussies who don’t love meat in their mouths. The McKinely is a Big mac with quarter pounder patties instead. That’s a half pound of the finest McMeat you can get with cream sauce. This one will seriously put some motherfucking balls on your chest for real dawg.

4. Apple Pie McFlurry – McPies are always the fucking tits. Now put one of them sons of bitches in a McFlurry. Hot and Cold tango in your mouth like when you eat a pizza roll fresh out of the microwave. I slammed one of these motherfuckers after I got kicked out of a Misfits cover show (for just drinking and having a good time mind you) and I am telling you bro I saw the face of GOD the second that culinary cum shot of apple goo and vanilla hit my tongue.

3. The Mc1035 – The cusp of breakfast and lunch, which by the way who the fuck is asking for hamburgers and nuggets at ten thirty in the god damn morning. It’s a McMuffin and McDouble combined. It’s so good you’ll shit your pants while reaching flavor nirvana. That ones not hyperbole, I actually defecate in my pants every time I order this piece of shit and I still get it all the time, that’s how fucking good it is.

2. The McGrilled Cheese – My mom’s special friend Debra introduced these to me. It’s just cheese and buns but she gets them with tomatoes and Mac sauce. I know she likes them because when they are in my mom’s room I can hear moaning about how good they are.

1. All American – The broke ass burger that reminds you that sometimes simple is the best. No cheese, no onion. Just beef, chup, and pickles. Never forget this is where it started before corporate America tried to upsell you with cheese and 401ks. Stay humble.

The McDonald’s secret menu isn’t for the masses. Gatekeep this shit from the losers who think that Mickey D’s isn’t healthy. I will personally come down to your house and flame-broil your ass if you give away this secret to someone who thinks “Burger King is better than McDonald’s”. Order from here and I promise your life won’t suck ass anymore. The people in your life will finally respect your dumbass decisions. Your kids will finally show you some goddamn respect. Your doctor… man FUCK your doctor, McDonald’s family restaurant for mother fucking life yo!

Recruiter Wraps Up Another Exhausting Day of Deleting Inbox Full of Unread Resumes

Posted on by Robert John Scucci

MOUNT KISCO, N.Y. — Veteran Recruiter Nina Masellis is ready to head home after a long, grueling day of indiscriminately emptying her inbox of qualified applicants desperately seeking any kind of employment, sources working three part-time jobs to afford their daily commute confirmed.

“People think we just use AI to ghost qualified candidates, but there honestly aren’t enough hours in the day to be an effective recruiter,” lamented Masellis while unlocking level 12,411 on Candy Crush Saga during her ninth coffee break. “What’s most exhausting is keeping a straight face when a job seeker asks about compensation for an entry-level data entry position that requires a master’s degree, seven rounds of interviews, and a four-hour unpaid online assessment scheduled during work hours. But I know the perfect rockstar is out there, so why settle for anything less?”

Chronically underemployed college graduate Bryan Nichols is tired of jumping through hoops in order to get his foot in the door for even the most degrading of positions.

“After paying out the ass for a resume-writing service, crafting hundreds of humiliating, custom-tailored cover letters to flatter potential employers, and applying to every single position that LinkedIn and Indeed have to offer, I don’t know what else I should be doing to find some semblance of gainful employment,” stated Nichols after being prompted to provide four professional references in order to be considered for a seasonal cashier position that pays $13 an hour. “Also, how the fuck can somebody have 10+ years of experience with Google Gemini when it’s only been around for two?”

Longtime HR Generalist Gregory Hanson offers insight on how to mitigate the frustrating job-hunting process that candidates need to hear.

“Most companies actually have no plans to hire anybody despite their myriad job postings,” confirmed Hanson while thumbing through his well-worn Rubik’s Cube strategy guide. “What you need to realize is that these companies have to maintain the illusion that they’re in a phase of growth in order to placate their shareholders. Realistically, the best thing you can do is apply for a position in the recruitment industry because we could use all the help we can get. Otherwise, we’ll fail to meet our quota of insincere rejection letters addressed to ‘Applicant’ this fiscal quarter.”

At press time, Masellis was spotted on LinkedIn promoting her $1,500 “Land Your Dream Job” seminar through her unlicensed career coaching business.

So, This Is How Rank-and-File Mediocrity and Corruption Dies — Guest Post by Andrew Cuomo

Posted on by Dan Rice

My fellow centrists,

As of this writing, I have just gotten off the phone with Zohran Mamdani, a democratic socialist, congratulating him on winning the democratic nomination for mayor of New York. It is a formality I fear may be part of a bygone era. It is in this moment of defeated surrealism that I realize this is how mediocre and massively corrupt Democratic leadership ends — with thunderous applause. This is haunting stuff.

What the hell happened? The Democratic Party was never about raising the quality of life for the masses! It’s about performative hollow gestures and doing whatever large financial institutions would like us to do. It’s about letting republicans trample civil liberties and saying “No, please, stop,” with all the enthusiasm of a child getting raisins for Halloween. It’s about distracting people from the fact that you are getting disgustingly rich while accomplishing nothing you said you would do during your years in office, and getting handsy with a couple dozen pieces of tail while you’re at it. This? Now? I don’t know what this is.

This country was founded on bribery, milquetoast compromise, and Zionism. I look at Mr. Mamdani and his ilk, and I see a grim future. A future where single mothers are no longer too downtrodden to actively participate in their own government. A future where working-class New Yorkers make enough money to ugly-up the crowds at our precious Broadway shows. A future where sexual advances are no longer about power, but about consensual pleasure between two people who like each other.

What will I do? Where will I turn? Who is going to pay the bill the next time my sexual harassment racks up $61 million in legal fees, now that the burden is no longer on New York taxpayers? Did you animals even think about that when you voted for Mr. Reliable Free Public Transportation and Livable Wages?

Again, to be clear, I never sexually harassed anyone; I was just being Italian! You know! Shitty!

The worst part is I probably won’t get any credit for Mamdani’s future successes, despite giving him a massive head start. You know what makes a fare-free bus program way easier? The 6000 elderly members of the surplus population my Covid-19 policies directly killed, that’s what! That’s a lot fewer stop bells being rung, my friend. Enjoy it.

Well, to the hundreds of financial elitists and mobsters whose interests my nomination would have actually served, I say goodnight, and good luck. I’ve got some serious soul searching to do, and there’s a warm Michelob Ultra in Chuck Schumer’s penthouse with my name on it. Here’s hoping he brought that aid with the huge cans. Cuomo out.

Season 4 of “The Bear” to Focus Entirely on Good Arch Supports

Posted on by Ian Steffé

LOS ANGELES — “The Bear” showrunner Christopher Storer announced that Season 4 of the hit FX series will shift focus from high-stakes kitchen drama to a quieter, more insidious reality of chronic, all consuming joint pain and foot problems, confirmed sources.

“We’ve done the anxiety, the chaos, the substance abuse,” Storer said. “What we haven’t gotten into is the restaurant industry’s deep love affair with arch supports and compression socks. This season, we’re spotlighting back problems, plantar fasciitis — the true evil that no one is talking about. This is going to be the greatest test for Carmy. To maintain realism, Season 4 will feature episodes centered around Carmy’s worsening physical condition, including one that contains zero dialogue and is just him trying and failing to get out of bed and scrolling through Amazon reviews of Dr. Scholl’s and Hoka’s while taking pulls off of a bottle of ibuprofen.”

Lead actor Jeremy Allen White, who plays Carmy, prepared vigorously for the upcoming season.

“It was brutal,” said White. “I talked to line cooks and sous chefs who’ve been in agony for years. One guy said he hasn’t felt his left foot for a decade. There’s this scene where I’m just opening packages, trying on orthotics, and wincing. That was a real challenge as an actor — getting the wince just right. You know? I just tried to think of what it was like to be 35 with no real skills and knowing it’s too late to do something else. Like how FUCKED you are in this industry. Heh, I mean could you imagine?”

Early test audience scores were, at best, polarized.
“I loved the first few seasons — the yelling and the family tension,” said Juston Carley of Oneonta, NY. “But this? This was just… feet. Forty minutes of close-ups of the cooks rubbing their feet and groaning. Long sequences of them staring into the void, and muttering ‘Jesus Christ’ while stretching their hamstrings against a prep table. Other times just soaking their feet in epsom salts. Like, what did I just watch? I felt like I was in the room for something I wasn’t meant to see. I’ve had nightmares for weeks. I’m just not into this much feet, man”

As of press time, the season reportedly gained some notable fans, namely Quentin Tarantino, who is said to have watched one episode called “Arch Support” over a hundred times for absolutely no reason whatsoever.

Opinion: Don’t Worry, We Can’t Have Re-Education Camps if We Weren’t Educated in the First Place

Posted on by Laurie Bolewitz

With growing concern surrounding misinformation, propaganda, and proposals of state-sanctioned “wellness camps,” Americans today are friggin’ scared. Are re-education camps in our future? Lolz, no. The most patriotic of Americans know that won’t happen, because we’ve never had like, education in the first place.

Our great nation was founded by people who refused to learn things. This is a group of sweaty-ass people who wore long sleeves and collared shirts in the summertime. These are fearless travelers who had never been to this land before, immediately dismissed any useful information from the people already living here, and instead started accusing each other of witchcraft.

There’s no limit to what our badass country hasn’t learned. And if there was a limit, we wouldn’t know how to measure it. The metric system, common core math, converting Fahrenheit to Celsius: We can’t do it, and we won’t try. Climate change isn’t real? Our weather isn’t changing? Cool, I guess. Or hot. We don’t know.

There is so much we Americans have proudly refused to learn, even in our own education system. And honestly, calling it an education system is pretty bold. You wanna rewrite history? You wanna keep history whitewashed? Whatever, man, USA never learned history other than Eli Whitney invented a type of gin, and Whitney kinda already looks like it has the word white in it if you glaze-read over it.

Teach us new doctrines? Gen Z can’t read, man. Don’t even think about throwing some fancy-ass word like doctrine at us.

We warm-blooded Americans refused to learn science past the parts of the cell that aren’t the mitochondria. That’s it. And that’s only because it’s the cell’s FREAKING POWERHOUSE, just like the good ol’ US of A is the POWERHOUSE OF THE WORLD. We can’t re-learn what hasn’t been taught, so don’t even think about re-teaching it, baby.

Remember, our best defense against re-education camps is to NEVER FORGET how much our country hates education. Only nerds enjoy being educated and only even BIGGER nerds would want to be educated AGAIN, right? It’s our patriotic right to refuse to learn anything, and any suggestion of RE-learning something simply un-American.

We hope you didn’t learn anything from this.

Touring Punk Band Cuts Transportation Costs 90% After Stealing Van From Costco Parking Lot

Posted on by Ben Friedman

DAVENPORT, Iowa — A cash-strapped punk band embarking on their first tour was able to cut their transportation expenses 90% by stealing an unattended sprinter van from the local Costco parking lot, onlookers have reported.

“The label signed the band contingent on us immediately going on tour to promote the album but none of us have a ride. I thought we were screwed until our usual band meeting in the Costco parking lot when we found the answer right in front of us, specifically this Ram ProMaster with the keys still in the ignition,” said Hurt Vonnegut frontman Eddie Cleaver. “Now that we have something to haul our gear and provide a place to sleep, we can buy more important stuff like more distortion pedals and beer. We’re already five shows and three states into the tour, so the investment has already paid for itself. I just wish it had better speakers.”

The van’s owner did not share Cleaver’s optimism.

“This is the fourth van I’ve had stolen by a punk band! What is it with these assholes and their obsession with making off with my work vehicles to tour the country? If they needed a tour van, they should’ve done it the honest way and saved up for one working at the Home Depot for 15 years until they give up on their dreams like I did,” said Bob Stillwater. “It feels like every time I leave Costco some patch-wearing little shits are tossing guitars into the back of my van as they peel out of the parking lot, just to play six dive bars and then ditch it behind a strip club in Michigan. I’m financially ruined!”

The band’s label head made it clear he has nothing to do with how touring acts procure their transportation.

“We’re not one of those big fancy labels like Sub Pop that can throw money around. We give every act around $1,000 and a fake license plate and tell them to make it work. So yeah, I’m well aware most of our touring bands’ rides are hot,” said Joe Diamond. “Hurt Vonnegut showed some real initiative to kick off the tour and keep us in the black. They have a bright future ahead of them, so long as nobody talks to the cops.”

As of press time, the band was able to reduce expenses further after stealing spare tires and gas from a Walmart auto center.

New Study Finds that Everything You Thought Was Three Years Ago Was Eight Years Ago

Posted on by Mike Moran

FLOYD KNOBS, Ind. — A new independent study revealed that basically anything you think happened around 2022, was probably closer to 2017, if not earlier.

“We can add this to the list of the great mysteries of science. I first hypothesized this peculiar phenomenon after purchasing a Fischer Price Corn Popper for my niece’s birthday, only to discover the toddler had been replaced by a third grader, which was weird because I just visited her not long ago, and the kid was totally a baby,” said horologist Jillian Ford. “What came before the Big Bang? How does anti-matter work? And how the hell has it been eight years since ‘Ozark’ debuted? I’ve studied the phenomenon of time exhaustively, and in my expert opinion, there’s no freakin’ way I’m in my mid-40s, and yet all data points to that being the case.”

Physicist John Demalti was skeptical of Ford’s claims at first, but has since come to realize we are indeed somehow living in the year 2025, a full one-quarter into the 21st century.

“It seems contradictory,” explained Demalti. “But despite the fact that Prince died just a few years ago, he also, apparently, died nearly a decade ago. It’s truly a Fermi Paradox-type situation. Another thing that may seem like a Mandela Effect is that, according to research, there was actually a four-year gap between Trump being president, though at this point it’s still a mystery as to who, if anyone, actually filled the position.”

Those outside of the scientific community were also shocked by this revelation, including electrician Allen “Skip” Malin.

“Call me a chronology snob, but honestly, I liked time better back when eight years could really change things,” said Malin. “I mean talk about shrinkflation. From 1992 to 2000, I went from playing with ninja turtles to starting college. I watched fashion change from glam, to grunge, to goth, to nu-metal. But from 2017 until now, I’m not sure I’ve even changed my sheets. And do people even dress differently than they did eight years ago? I guess it’s about time for us to start having 2010s nostalgia, but what does that even look like? Does fashion even change anymore?”

As of press time, the study also revealed that we, as a society, were somehow closer to 2055 than 1994.

How To Hold an Intervention for Your Straight Edge Friend’s Liquid Death Problem

Posted on by Mikey Reid

Your straight edge loved one has become ensnared in the terrible trap of Liquid Death abuse and you can’t stand to see them like this. Their addiction has advanced to the point of drinking cans outside of hardcore shows, and they are now indulging before work, family activities, or even while driving. Here’s how to hold an intervention for your straight edge friend’s Liquid Death problem:

Step 1: Gather friends and loved ones who are equally annoyed by how much your friend talks about Liquid Death

The first step is admitting you have a problem. A problem with the amount they talk about Liquid Death, a canned water that’s allegedly from a mountain but is indistinguishable from a bathroom sink. You’re happy about their sobriety, but could they try being clean from talking about how counterculture drinking branded water is?

Step 2: Write personal letters about the ways in which Liquid Death consumption is ruining your relationship. Here’s a template you can use:

Dear (Loved One),
Your Liquid Death addiction has affected me in the following ways:

1) It’s impossible to talk to you when you’re drinking. Seriously, the incessant popping of cans is driving me insane. I have a show I’m trying to invite you to.

2) You know there’s regular water that does the same thing, right?

3) The booker says if I don’t have more than 2 people this time, we have to play the 4 pm slot.

4) Trust me, we already knew you were hardcore when you started speaking in tongues in the Underoath mosh pit. Your water choice doesn’t change that.

5) Could you at least throw away the cans in your truck? I need to borrow it to load in this weekend.

It’s important to use your letter to let them know you are coming from a place of love and not from a place of being a big, jealous hater. Seriously, you can’t let on that their ability to have fun while drinking flat tin-flavored water might be at the root of your complaining.

Step 3: Remove all Liquid Death from the premises until they detox with real water

This is crucial. They may have stashes of Liquid Death hidden in places no one would ever want to look, like their shredded underwear drawer or their bass case. Make sure they have a safe place to go through withdrawal where they won’t be a danger to themselves or others, so stay away from Guitar Centers.

Recovery: Keep them away from triggers: no hardcore music til they kick the can. And whatever you do, don’t let them find out about Topo Chico.

Girlfriend Can’t Go to Sleep After Seeing Line 6 Spider in the Corner

Posted on by James Klinger

MARIETTA, Ga. — Local girlfriend Kaitlynn Gagnon is unable to sleep after spotting a Line 6 Spider in the corner right before shutting her eyes, boyfriend sleepily confirmed.

“Eek! Those things disgust me,” disclosed a terrified Gagnon while holding up her dress and standing on the bed. “There’s absolutely no way I’m going to be able to sleep now with that thing in the corner, especially while it’s making that weird buzzing sound at us. How didn’t I notice it before? I mean, look at the huge web it’s made already! Isn’t this how the guy from Slayer died? I ain’t goin’ out like that guy.”

Landlord Connor Walters confirmed that this wasn’t an isolated incident.

“Alright, I’ll spill, but let’s just keep this between us. There’s a bit of an infestation of Line 6 Spiders in the complex right now,” Walters frustratingly admitted. “This isn’t the first tenant that’s complained to me about them and it probably won’t be the last. I’ve done everything I can to get the apartments looking ready and appear functioning for new tenants. I’ve painted over a few during renovations but after seeing nest after nest made from rusty First Act cables I think it might be time to call in an expert.”

Lance Gerald, the exterminator on scene, provided some insight on these disgusting but misunderstood creatures.

“Spider phobias are quite common. This species, Acies Sex Aranea, better known as the Line 6 Spider are harmless although they can make a harsh screech when threatened,” said Gerald while loading up his exterminator equipment which included a slipper and a paper-back copy of “Old Yeller.” “These little buggers are quite prevalent in low income areas, I’ve got a couple in my house too. Sometimes I like to play with them but only when no one’s looking. Generally, it’s best to scoop them up and place them outside, but I’ve got a sledgehammer I’ve been wanting to try out.”

At the current moment, the very pregnant black widow spider living inside the Line 6 sure hopes no one hurts her beautiful home and harms her hundreds of babies.