If you were aware of Philadelphia’s Atom and His Package in the late ‘90s/early 2000’s, it was either because you had a friend who liked Atom so much it was kind of annoying, or you were the annoying friend. If you’re aware of him now, it’s because you still have/are that friend, you’re aware of his more recent bands Armalite or Dead Best, or he was your high school chemistry teacher. After years of playing in local bands, Adam Goren (AKA Atom) started writing, recording, and releasing his own music on a collection of synthesizers and music sequencers (AKA His Package). Back when many punk solo musicians were just dudes singing punk songs while gorilla-strumming power chords on an acoustic guitar, Atom brought in electronic instrumentation and a level of humor constantly oscillating between immature and intelligent. Here we rank his full-length albums. You’re free to disagree, but you’ll have to return the TI-83 graphing calculator we loaned you freshman year.
5. Atom & His Package (AKA The First C.D.) (1997)
This album only ranks the worst because of how much the added guitar in later releases improves the sound. The exclusive use of sequencer and vocals on this album gives the music a lo-fi chiptune feel. The “Where Eagles Dare” Misfits cover still works well with this arrangement. Your friends might find the nasally vocals and lo-fi keyboard instrumentation annoying, but the songs rule, no matter how many wedgies you get for sneaking them into the party playlist. Need proof? The rock versions of “Avenger,” “He Kissed Me,” “Head (She’s Just A)”and “Atom and His Package” all rip when Atom re-records them as the “band” Lobster Mobster on “Making Love.”
Play it again: “Snowshoe BBQ”
Skip it: “Tim Allen Is Not Very Funny”
4. Making Love (1999)
The sound is still mostly sequencer/synthesizer driven, but there are a few guitar-driven tracks on this album that make you feel less nerdy for how much you enjoy it. “Hats Off to Halford” salutes Rob Halford for being an openly gay heavy metal musician, breaks into a Screeching Weasel chorus, and calls Slayer “Nazi fuckin’ pricks” for their use of Nazi iconography. Risking the anger of Slayer fans has to be one of the biggest I-don’t-give-a-shit-if-you-beat-me-up /standing-up-to-a-bully moves out there.
Play it again: “(Lord It’s Hard to Be Happy When You’re Not) Using the Metric System”
Skip it: “Bloody Lip,” but at 18 seconds long, you gotta be quick about it.
3. Attention! Blah Blah Blah (2003)
The final release is Atom’s most guitar-driven album. Sequencers are still present, but it sounds more like a keyboard rock band than a one-man sequencing act. As such, your enjoyment of this album is the least likely to get your lunch money stolen. “Mustache T.V.” informs us of the potential mental health benefits of putting scotch tape mustaches on the television, while “Dear Atom, You Do Not Want Children, Love, Atom.” explores his desire to have a child in spite of a letter he’d previously written to himself listing the reasons he didn’t “want no babies.” We’d rank this album higher, but every punk knows they’re bound to the convictions of their younger selves for life, no matter how unrealistic, arbitrary, or contradictory.
Play it again: “I’m Downright Amazed at What I Can Destroy With Just a Hammer”
Skip it: “Matt Werth Speaks”
2. Redefining Music (2001)
Guitar usage begins to catch up to the use of sequencers with this album, allowing them to complement each other. It’s still a good idea to watch out for wet willies if you put any of these songs on the road trip mix. “Shopping Spree” steals a chorus from Flagstaff’s The Dali Llamas, explaining in the verses that Atom actually wrote the song on tour, and they stole it from him. There’s also a song about using anarchy as an excuse for not picking up your trash, and another calling NFL team owner Daniel Snyder a cock for his decades-long refusal to change his team’s name from a racial slur.
Play it again: “Upside Down from Here”
Skip it: “Open Your Heart,” but only because it’s not the version that’s always playing at the grocery store
1. A Society of People Named Elihu (1997)
Atom’s second album still predominantly features sequencers in the arrangement, but it bends the beeps and boops toward a more traditional punk rock feel. The quality of the songwriting allows this album to surpass the later releases with a more mature sound. You’re still likely to get pantsed for listening to this one in public, but it’s worth it. It features tongue-in-cheek electronic covers of Fugazi’s “Waiting Room” and Youth of Today’s “Break Down the Walls.” It also features two birthday songs: one for your friends named Ralph and one that works for anyone. “No Way DNA,” recorded by Atom’s old band Fracture, closes out the album. “Punk Rock Academy” imagines a private high school for punk rockers that doesn’t suck while “Me and My Black Metal Friends” imagines befriending black metal bands in a way that doesn’t get you murdered.
Play it again: “Punk Rock Academy”
Skip it: “Sting Cannot Possibly Be the Same Guy Who Was in The Police”
This should be a surprise to absolutely nobody who’s watched this series. As risk-averse as he is pragmatic, Mark wouldn’t even entertain the idea of becoming a soccer hooligan if a girl he fancied required it. Yes, he begrudgingly tagged along at the destructive protest in the JLB building, but that was really more of a spur-of-the-moment occurrence, and he was really half-assing it to show his colleagues he wasn’t part of management. We know his true nature.
Ian is Mark’s infant son, and the fact that he’s so young at the conclusion of the series is only the second reason he ranks at 39. Come on, he’s Mark’s son. It’s not happening at any age. The only reason he’s nominally more likely than his father is that Mark doesn’t have full custody, so some outside influence might creep in.
A true intellect, Zahra would be far more likely to watch a foreign film or read Romantic literature than to even glance at the telly if she happened to be in a room with a soccer match playing. It’s true that she’s lived with Ben, who’s definitely not as high-brow, but she doesn’t really love him and wouldn’t be at risk of succumbing to any sway he may have.
Let’s be real, Stu used to be a monk, for Christ’s sake! It is true that he ended up punching Jeremy, but that was clearly out of self-defense and not something he’d ever willingly do. Frankly, it’s kind of a shame given how much of a hunk he is. Strictly with respect to physical form, we could totally see Stu fucking shit up as a hooligan.
Dull, strict, boring, and a possessor of a spot that you could make a night out of popping, Robert Grayson would be far more inclined to spend any free time he may have studying up on the latest bath fittings while enjoying a cup of tepid tea. While an errant shit in a display toilet may unleash his dark side, we’re going to confidently claim that even that is unlikely to turn him into a drunken tough guy.
Sickly and pitiful, Gerrard’s idea of a good night is comprised of playing with his cybermen action figures and, erm, himself while frequenting Dobby’s Facebook photo albums. Also, he’s dead, so there’s that. Come to think of it, by default we probably should have put him at 40, but his spirit is probably a little bit more likely to resort to hooliganism than the handful of people preceding him in this list.
Mark’s roommate and Met City Bank coworker in the show’s final season, Jerry is very similar to Mark, but appears to have a bit more of an untapped sinister side. He’d be more inclined to sit back with some William Morris while engaging in some civil back-and-forth about proper thermostat settings, but the way Mark and Jeremy “got rid” of him leads us to think he could maybe be convinced to cause some trouble.
Ah, the one that got away. Shoe salesperson turned historical author/lecturer, April is not the type to down a pint while concurrently smashing someone’s head in. She is given to spontaneity, however, as displayed by her public bathroom tryst with Mark after her relationship with Angus went awry, but we’re confident that that’s about as unhinged as she gets.
Gail is a strictly no-bullshit person. She’s extremely professional when managing the Mexican restaurant (from which she ultimately fires Mark,) or getting stuff done as a member of the Apollo House association meetings. She hates Jeremy with the fire of a thousand suns for his affair with her partner Elena, but she’s not likely to take it out on anyone but him.
Gog’s definitely spiteful and has a huge chip on his shoulder from the abuse he withstood at the hands of Jeremy while at university, but he’s much more likely to release his anger with passive-aggressiveness and obnoxious displays of self-importance. Is he likely to manipulate you into maybe buying him a kabob while discussing a song he’s hiring you to write for a Honda commercial? Yes. Is he likely to pass out in a pool of his own vomit while following his favorite team around Europe? We don’t think so.
Sophie’s mom Penny really just doesn’t seem like the type. She’d be more interested in hating her drunken husband Ian or making jam than moving to the city (which probably terrifies her) to chug ale and start fights. She is more adventurous than one would expect, as indicated by her sudden affair with Jeremy, but we’re pretty sure that’s where it ends.
You’d better believe The Orgazoid would have been further down this list had we set it 15 years earlier in the show’s canon. However, he’s sober now (good for him!) and pretty much only interested in drinking smoothies and paying Jeremy for sexual favors these days (um, not so good for him?) Let’s hope he behaves a bit more ethically towards his next handyman.
Representative at “publisher” British London, Greg is by no means a morally upstanding citizen. He takes Mark for a ride on publishing (or, rather, printing out) “Business Secrets of the Pharaohs,” although he ends up partially redeeming his reputation with Mark (though definitely not his character) by printing a fraudulent Life Coach certificate for Jeremy. Slimeball? Yes. Hooligan? Not so much.
Much like Gail before her, Stephanie is all business. She used to work in public relations, but pivoted after her divorce and is now studying for her master’s degree. She likes to talk shop while drinking wine and listening to Van Morrison. She’s probably pissed that Mark walked out on her while she was presumably planning on putting the moves on him, but that’s not going to culminate in anything beyond an icy stare if she ever sees him.
A genuinely nice and mild-mannered guy, Matt is rightfully upset at Mark for getting him fired with a fabricated story of him defecating into the gym’s swimming pool, but he presumably got his revenge with some organized judo at the episode’s conclusion. Also, he’s a black belt, so he knows how to artfully avoid altercation and will likely only engage in extreme circumstances. Not the scuffling type.
Eternally sunny and likely to express displeasure with a snarky comment thinly veiled behind a smile, Big Suze would likely not be offended by the idea of becoming a soccer hooligan. She’d probably just respond with “well, that sounds lovely! I’ve never thought about doing that myself, but I hope you have a wonderful time!” She likely still hates Jeremy (but curiously not Alan Johnson) for the “Indecent Proposal” fiasco, but that’s just going to show itself with more snarkiness.
Mark’s sister is perpetually horny for Jeremy, but beyond that she’s pretty centered around her career as a lawyer (or whatever the fuck they call those in England) and her son Joshy. Maybe she’d be interested in becoming a soccer hooligan if you found some free time on her calendar and penciled it in for her, but still not very likely.
Jeremy’s life-coaching client and male part of his three-way love affair, Joe is largely nondescript. He’s very young and has never even listened to the Beastie Boys before, and we don’t really know how he spends his free time beyond administrating surreptitious under-the-dinner-table footjobs and exhausting Jeremy with all-night raves. Save this, he’s pretty banal, so we’re going to err on the side of caution and assume the rest of his life isn’t nearly as exciting.
A sketchy person to say the least, Natalie does like to get drunk, as demonstrated by her proclivity for “Irish wine” the night she stays over Mark and Jeremy’s flat. We won’t tell you how the night ends for Mark (hint: it’s bad), but suffice it to say Natalie is more likely than a lot of characters to become a soccer hooligan. Still, though, it’s still not something we’d place money on.
Known for her relatively brief fling with Jeremy during her relationship with Gail, Elena is a full-time legal secretary who makes extra money on the side dealing weed. She does have a bit of a reckless side, as shown by her disciplinary issue with watching porn at work. Could that show itself in her smashing her bar glass over the head of a fan of her rival soccer club? Doesn’t really seem like it, but we’ve seen crazier things happen.