Heavily Tattooed Couple Somehow Become Parents of Totally Blank Baby

Posted on by Tyler Roland

MANZANITA, Ore. — Local couple Jon and Kelsey Hangman recently became the parents of a child who somehow was born without any of their combined 77 tattoos, astounded sources confirmed.

“This comes as a total shock,” emphasized the first-time mother. “We really thought little Garrett would have ended up with some of the family tats. You know, maybe his father’s ‘HARD LIFE’ knuckle tattoos, the black four-leaf clover on my ankle, or any of our shared tribal artwork. At least he didn’t get his dad’s Mandarin character that he thought meant ‘Life Force,’ but actually means ‘Industrial Sanction.’ And get this, he didn’t even come out with any nose piercings either. My baby is a freak of nature.”

The child’s maternal grandmother, Harriet Worthington, is in utter relief that he was born with zero ink markings.

“Thank God he doesn’t have any of those ridiculous life decisions! At least now little Garrett will be employable,” said the 68-year-old as she opened up a document named “LAST WILL & TESTAMENT” on Microsoft Word. “I was dismayed when my little girl became one of those tattooed freaks, and then married one. I hope that Garrett will be surrounded by good influences and reject any satanic teachings from his father. Dearie me, I hope Kelsey didn’t erase that Bible verse tattoo I pressured her to add!”

Tattoo expert and historian Ned “The Needle” Wishton has observed a gradual change regarding cultural acceptance of body art, especially when it comes to the beliefs of new parents.

“For decades, it was seen as a good thing that genetics did not continue anything that had been displayed on an ancestor,” Wishton noted. “In this day and age, though — when you’ve got every other person with a little initial, heart, or flaming skull smoking a cigarette next to a crown with a latin inscription translating to ‘GOD RULES ALL’ — tattoos are a vital part of the human body. So it makes sense that humans would evolve to birth tattooed children. But it would kind of suck if your daughter had a tramp stamp at birth.”

At press time, the doctor who delivered the baby revealed that she’d only seen one instance of the opposite phenomenon, whereas an infant was born with a full sleeve to two tattoo-less librarians.

Opinion: I Liked Turnstile Better Before They Were Born

Posted on by Shane Pauker

Turnstile used to play real hardcore, man. I don’t know what happened to them. People like to call out their most recent album, Glow On, because it’s basically masculine Olivia Rodrigo, but Turnstile’s issues started earlier. As far back as their first album — maybe further — Brendan Yates’ tendency toward plainspoken vocals forced me to gatekeep him from being a “real” hardcore signer. It’s hard to pinpoint exactly when Turnstile started to turn, but I can say this with confidence: they only got together in 2010, but they’ve been trending downward for the last 40 years.

Turnstile have been sellouts sleeping in hotel rooms, they were sellouts when they were sleeping on strangers’ floors, and they were sellouts when they were sleeping at naptime. Turnstile was at their best before they could make music. I liked them a hell of a lot better before they were born.

I wish they were unique here, but they’re not. Turnstile, like most bands (and, frankly, like most other things) were better back when they were sperm. No hawking capitalist merch after the show. No giving in to the popular demand for “breathing.” Just the raw emotion of wriggling around trying to survive. After all, hardcore isn’t about “mainstream appeal,” and hardcore isn’t “success;” it’s about showing up on the scene and trying to grow arms.

Really, whether you’re an artist or just a fan, pre-birth is the only time to get started. Take it from me: I’ve been going to shows since I was a fetus. I listened to In Utero in utero. I was conceived inside the basketball hoop at Gilman. I first entered the pit in the womb, and already knew that kicking was a faux pas. I might have screwed up my cred by starting to walk and giving money to those corporate bigwigs at Gerber, but at least I started from a real place.

I don’t want to keep Turnstile out forever though, because I do believe they have potential to go back to their origins. Sure, they made the blunder of coming into existence, but they can turn that around. Like all great artists, they’ll finally get to be respectable and cool again after they die.

Band Adopts Second Bassist to Keep First From Loneliness

Posted on by Josh Baumgart

AUSTIN, Texas — Members of the jangle pop quartet Pine Box announced the addition of a second bassist, known mononymously as Waffles, to keep their first one company, confirmed sources.

“After we found our last bass player dead from chewing on the amp cords we made a pact to take better care of our next one,” said lead singer Damien Tutoro. “We looked in his enclosure and he had hardly touched his American Spirit Blues so we knew something was up. It’s a common misconception, but bassists aren’t really meant to be solidarity creatures. The ones you may have heard about are total anomalies. Either way, our bass player is so much happier now. In fact, he no longer pukes in our practice space and eats it off the floor. Thank god for that.”

Original bassist Dave “Domino” Miller couldn’t be more excited for the addition.

“Super stoked to have a new member of the rhythm section joining me on my sonic journey. And beyond that, I’ve got a new friend. Now, next time the band leaves me in a truck stop bathroom, I’ve got a buddy I can chill with ‘till the bus circles back to get me,” remarked Miller. “It’s also nice to have someone in my bunk on the tour bus with me. I get a little lonely up there by myself and when they close the curtains I’m kind of afraid of the dark.”

Other bassists in the community applauded Pine Box’s efforts.

“They’re really doing the right thing here. A lot of these bands just want a brand new bass sound, like something bred in a lab, when there are all these bassists looking for a dependable home to make their ‘thump thumps’ which is what bassists call finger picking,” praised Dogstar bass player Keanu Reeves. “The loneliness was actually why I got into acting. Being on set was nothing like playing the bass, people listen to you man, like really listen. But, like the bass, it’s not really about your line delivery, it’s just about the vibe you bring and how you look bringing it.”

At press time, fans criticized the band after they brought in a second drummer that they bought from a breeder.

Signal Updates Terms of Service to Forbid Users From Using Platform to Plan Deadly Airstrikes Using the World’s Biggest Military

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

SAN FRANCISCO — Developers behind the encrypted messaging app Signal updated their terms of service to forbid users from organizing and executing targeted military strikes, sources confirmed.

“Signal is a space where people can communicate safely and privately thanks to our state-of-the-art encryption software. Our users value the peace of mind our platform brings,” said Signal Technology Foundation President Meredith Whittaker. “However, following the recent reports of senior US officials using Signal to discuss top secret war plans, we were forced to update our user agreement. Users will still be able to discuss their opinions about military intervention, but ordering airstrikes will be expressly prohibited and might result in your account being suspended. Honestly, we didn’t think this would be a problem when we first started Signal, but that’s the beauty of technological innovation, it serves to protect journalistic integrity as well as keeping state secrets.”

National Security Adviser Michael Waltz criticized Signal for its confusing user interface.

“These dumb phones are a pain in my ass. I was trying to use the button to add this guy I know to our email and the entire screen goes crazy on me. I had to have my grandson come over and do a reset on everything. He wrote down all my passwords on a slip of paper I keep in my wallet which has been really helpful in staying up to date with all the Pentagon plans,” said Waltz. “This whole ordeal is being blown out of proportion anyway. We don’t use Signal for plans, we just use that because they have those fun little hands and faces to put after sentences. I love those things, I thought talking on the internet was boring until I started using those.”

Former intelligence officers say this is the biggest security breach at this level in decades.

“There are systems in place for secure communication, but officials in this administration seem to be ignoring those safety protocols in favor of convenience. Some people might think it’s not a big deal, but the people using these platforms are the same people you see post ‘find bikini woman grill’ as status updates on Facebook,” said former CIA contractor Liam O’Connell. “Russia has been trying to access messages on Signal for years, now it seems like Kremlin officials will just need to ask for invites into group chats with national security advisers to get the inside scoop on what our military plans are.”

At press time, the United States Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth was in more hot water after drunkenly texting air strike coordinates to his DoorDash driver and sending his gate code to Pentagon officials.

Tense Moment as “Used to Skate” Guy Comes Face to Face With “Used to Box” Guy in Employee Breakroom

Posted on by Ryan Danley

PORTLAND, Ore. — A routine lunch break turned into an unexpected battle of past glory Tuesday afternoon when Jake “Used to Skate” Piper and Mark “Used to Box” DeRosa found themselves together in the company breakroom, terrified onlookers reported.

“It was wild. Jake and Mark exchanged a quick nod—a tense truce at best. Then, without warning, they were in each other’s faces, launching into a brutal round of anecdotal one-upmanship. Nonstop talk of kickflips and sparring sessions. I was terrified,” said James Defoe, a fellow employee who witnessed the exchange while microwaving his leftover lasagna. “It was like watching two old warriors trying to outdo each other without throwing a punch. They kept raising the stakes until they both landed on a time they ‘really fucked up’ their wrist. That’s when things finally settled down.”

The company’s manager, Tony Daley, admitted he had concerns about the tension between high-testosterone workplace personas when hiring the two.

“I was hoping it would make the team more competitive, but honestly, it’s just led to a lot of people standing around, swapping stories about how sick they used to be. It’s really bringing down our quarterly earnings,” said Daley, adjusting his glasses as he organized a stack of Excel printouts. “Fortunately, I have the skills to keep things in order. After all, I’m the ‘used to be in a gang and deal drugs’ guy around here—I’ve seen real battles, not just some weekend warrior bullshit. You just have to know how to handle a crew and when to assert dominance.”

Corporate workplace solutions instructor Dana Morris, who was recently brought in to conduct a conflict resolution seminar, described the phenomenon as a growing trend in modern offices.

“Every office needs a ‘used to box’ guy, a ‘used to skate’ guy, and ideally, a former cheerleader who now runs HR with the cold efficiency of a retired assassin,” Morris explained. “It’s all about balancing the ecosystem of egos. That’s how commerce breathes. If men didn’t have these past-life personas to cling to, they’d be forced to process their emotions like adults, and let’s be real—the workplace would crumble instantly. Offices thrive when there’s interpersonal tension.”

At press time, Piper and DeRosa bonded over their joint history of orthopedic surgeries and were considering starting a “recovery club” at work, while the IT department stayed on high alert for any “used to lift” guy trying to join.

Help! Jeff Rosenstock Broke Into My House and Is Making Ska Versions of All of My Records

Posted on by Ryan Dondero

It all started three and a half weeks ago when Tall Mike left the fucking back door unlocked and ajar again. Usually, a possum or one of the neighborhood cats gets in and we rustle it out in the morning. This time though it was fucking beloved punk icon Jeff Rosenstock. He snuck in and locked himself in Garrett’s old room.

At first, we were stoked. Confused but really stoked. Jeff Rosenstock was in our house. That’s RAD. But the whole first day, he stayed locked in the room, ignoring us when we tried to talk to him. Then, just after midnight, he finally emerged—only to grab a stack of my records and scurry back inside. The only reason we even knew he left was because Short Mike’s girlfriend, Harmony, saw him.

It didn’t take long to figure out what he was doing. First came the singing, familiar both because it was Jeff Rosenstock’s unmistakable voice and because he was singing songs from my own favorite records. Then came the horns. Finally, the Bandcamp releases started—two albums a day, all ska, all from my collection.
At first, it was incredible. Jeff gave each album a ska pun, so my roommates and I skanked and sang along to albums by the Ska-cteau Twins, Belle and Ska-bastian, and Simon and Ska-funkel. We drank to London Ska-lling, smoked weed to Ska-bbey Road, and played video games to Nashville Ska-line. It was great. Until it wasn’t.

But it wasn’t the albums. Those were still awesome. The problem was that Jeff was living in our house, rent-free, leaving unflushed growlers in the toilet, and eating all our spaghetti. He barely spoke to us unless spaghetti was involved, and even then, all he would say was, “More spaghetti.”

We don’t know what to do. Our shithead landlord is useless, so we didn’t even bother asking. Jeff also saw right through the elaborate, cartoonish Rube Goldberg-style trap we set outside Garrett’s old room. Desperate, we even emailed Laura Stevenson for help, but all she replied was, “You shouldn’t have fed him spaghetti.”

Someone has got to help us. Jeff just dropped three albums by Explosions in the Ska, and yeah, they rule, but I can’t take this anymore!

Corporate Restructuring Leads to Mass Layoffs at C+C Music Factory

Posted on by Steve Packosky

NEW YORK — A recent corporate restructuring initiative in adherence to a new five-year strategic plan led to mass layoffs at C+C Music Factory, disgruntled sources report.

“I’ve known this was coming for quite some time, but that doesn’t make it any easier,” General Manager Robert Clivillés said. “We’ve been dealing with a lot of challenges over the past few decades. Sure, in the early ‘90s it was a lot easier for us to get people to sweat ‘til they bled, but a rapidly changing business environment coupled with inflation and supply-chain issues have made maximizing our bottom line and getting funky in this post-COVID world untenable under our old framework. These changes are definitely necessary, but a lot of good workers are being sent home today. Of course we’ll miss them, but it’s now time for us to move forward as the nation’s prominent supplier of dance music.”

Laid-off employee Corbin Wellford was doubtful of the factory’s ability to carry on without him.

“I started out in the Department of Dancing Now 30 years ago,” Wellford complained. “I worked my way up from clerk to Senior Manager, and this place wouldn’t be where it is today without my contributions. And what do I get for it? Six months’ severance pay and a security escort out the door. I’m not a spiteful person, but I’m really going to enjoy watching this place go under. There’s absolutely no way they’re going to keep people dancing without my expertise. Is there even anybody left who can operate the Give Me the Music module? Whatever, not my problem anymore.”

Corporate Efficiency Consultant Latonya Burke was not surprised by the factory’s ordeal.

“We live in an increasingly borderless world,” Burke mentioned. “At surface level, that seems good for workers, but with it comes the attractive option for companies to outsource their labor and embrace artificial intelligence to drastically reduce their labor costs. This is great for their profit margins, but horrible for once-invaluable employees whose wages suddenly appear as an undue burden. C+C Music Factory is certainly no exception, as automation in land cultivation has resulted in similarly devastating staff cuts at Alien Ant Farm, and don’t even get me started on the hollowing-out of the entire industrial music sector, like the one at Fear Factory years back. Unfortunately, I don’t see the situation improving anytime soon.”

At press time, the factory was forced to shutter its doors after President Donald Trump declared a 25% tariff on all imported Canadian goods falling under the “Move & Grind” classification.

ICE Agent Ordered to Take Mandatory Callousness Training After Giving Water to Imprisoned Immigrants

Posted on by Ben Friedman

CORPUS CHRISTI, Texas — ICE officer Brendan Williams was disciplined and forced to undergo mandatory callousness training after being caught giving water to a detained immigrant, the agency has confirmed.

“I figured since we’re ripping these people out of their homes and communities indefinitely, they were supposed to be kept hydrated while being held! But I found out the hard way handing out water bottles was creating a hostile work environment for my peers, and now I’m stuck doing hours of training modules and videos about closing my heart off to people seeking a better life,” said Williams. “Honestly, after the third video I started questioning if violating human rights was really making our country safer, but my HR lead says the best way to be a team player is showing up to work with a good attitude and no moral compass.”

Williams’ supervisor stood by the decision to enact an extensive retraining session.

“Brendan’s actions had severely negative consequences, primarily creating an environment where fellow agents remember the Geneva Convention says prisoners can have food and water. Brendan’s mandatory retraining will help remind him that any display of humanity towards undocumented migrants is tantamount to treason,” said field office head Richard Sterns. “The training is pretty straightforward. After four hours straight of Newsmax clips, Brendan will be presented with a cup of water and asked if he should share it with a dehydrated detainee or pour it on the ground and laugh. I do have high hopes we can get him back on track.”

Some former immigration officers said the agency has lost sight of its mission.

“I joined up thinking we were going to be stopping drug runners and terrorists, and for a while there it seemed like what we were doing was justified. But the higher-ups started implementing this new callousness training because a few of us spoke up about the whole kids in cages thing. I kept getting reported to HR for giving them blankets, so I finally told them to fuck off,” said Sarah Hendricks. “I heard it’s even worse now. If they catch you ensuring detainees’ zip ties aren’t overtightened or you gave them a bucket to piss in, it’s an automatic write up and you have to write an apology letter to Tom Homan.”

As of press time, Williams was forced to attend extended training after giving a migrant half of a sandwich he was about to throw away.

Heartwarming: LA County Sperm Bank Confirms the Gallon of Semen Pumped From Rod Stewart’s Stomach in the ’80s Has Been Used to Father Over 50 Children!

Posted on by Kyle Donley

31-year old Rancho Cucamonga native Lee Vitrano is the picture of perfect health — a triathlon athlete, personal trainer, and wellness coach whose penchant for fitness may only be outmatched by his community outreach. It might surprise you then to learn that Lee would not be standing here today if rock ‘n’ roll legend Rod Stewart had not blown a small platoon of sailors in the Fall of 1982. But as Lee tells it, “Some guys have all the luck.”

The lurid events of that fateful night have been whispered among schoolyards for decades, new details seemingly emerging with each retelling (Was he really wearing a captain’s hat?) But what we know for certain is that Rod Stewart sucked off an indeterminate amount of seamen, swallowed the seamen’s semen, got a tummy ache, and when all was said and done, local paramedics had extracted exactly one gallon of jizz from his stomach.

However, what often gets overlooked in this urban legend is the most miraculous aspect of it all. For that gallon of semen was promptly donated to an LA County sperm bank where it has gone on to spawn over 50, and counting, beautiful, healthy babies!

Back in 2015, Vitrano started a Facebook group to locate others who may have been propagated from this same spermous goulash and was shocked to find an entire community desperate to connect. They call themselves “Belly Buddies” and while they may not be biologically related in the traditional sense, these brothers and sisters are intrinsically linked by a 90-minute joyride in the digestive tract of British rock royalty.

This Summer will mark the 10th Annual “Belly Buddy Meet-Up” at Kellogg Park, where Belly Buddies young and old gather for a family reunion of sorts to catch-up, grill hot dogs, and compete in the annual cornhole tournament. Organized by Vitrano, the event earned enough word of mouth to even attract the Godfather of Rasp himself, Rod Stewart.

Known in the community as “Uncle Rod”, the ever-graceful Stewart has taken time out of his busy crooning schedule to attend the previous four meet-ups, delighting his belly offspring with countless selfies, meaningful life advice, and even an impromptu sing-along of “D’ya Think I’m Sexy”.

When asked about his involvement, Rod was eager to set the record straight once and for all. “I’ve never denied the claims. The real hoax was the story about how this was all a hoax. Truth is, we were all drinking insane amounts of semen back then. Jagger and Bowie could really put ‘em back. That night my weak stomach got the better of me and I unfortunately have never been able to live it down.”

Jock Who Beat the Crap Out of You in High School Suddenly World’s Foremost Expert on What Being “Punk” Actually Means

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

VANCOUVER, Wash. — Your former high school bully, and current Washington State Trooper Adam Wisk, surprised veteran members of the scene by insisting he knows the true definition of punk, sources actively blocking him on social media confirmed.

“I don’t like punk music. I never have and I never will. But those so-called punks are a bunch of posers anyway. We get it, you reject authority, it’s the same old story. Actual punk rockers reject the rules of punk and embrace law and order,” said Officer Wisk. “Being a cop is basically the most punk thing anyone can do at this point. I can do whatever I want, say whatever I want, and if anyone gives me any crap I get a few of my buddies and we beat them down in the streets. I can’t think of anything more punk than that.”

You had a different read on the situation.

“I really don’t know why so many middle-aged men suddenly think they hold the truth to what ‘Punk’ is all about. It’s all the same story, they are mad because they can’t use homophobic slurs in public anymore and they think it’s ‘Sticking it to the man’ to be an insufferable asshole,” you said while organizing a mutual aid event for unhoused neighbors. “And I’m not sure why it’s always a guy in a backwards hat, sunglasses, plaid shorts, and sandals that seems to have the strongest opinions of what it means to be a punk. Go live your life, try having a conversation with one of your kids before they hate you as much as I do.”

Cultural anthropologist Lindsey Savoy believes the battle of the definition of punk is just beginning.

“We first heard people claim that being conservative is the new punk rock during the first Trump run for presidency. These were mainly people who seemed to have low level brain damage and a complete inability to draw logical conclusions, but their message started to gain traction,” said Savoy. “Now there is a new generation of homophobic, xenophobic, and nationalistic musicians who built on that conservative premise of punk and want to be the next Skrewdriver, but not in an ironic sort of way, they are legitimately proud of being ignorant pieces of trash.”

At press time, you were actively trying to avoid an argument with an old roommate where they claimed being vegan actually kills more animals than a carnivore diet.