Punk House Dog Tired of Being Blamed for Puke on Carpet

Posted on by Doug Kolic

CALGARY, Alberta — A dog cohabitating with some local punks announced that he’s fed up with constantly being falsely accused of vomiting inside the house, according to sources hearing him whimper out of frustration.

“I’ve had it up to here!” stated Skidmark, a roughly four-year-old boxer mix. “Every time someone discovers another pile of puke, piss or shit, guess who gets the heat? First these nasty punks change my once fierce name from Tyson to something disgusting like Skidmark, then they use me as a patsy to take the fall whenever they defile the house, which is daily. I know they all get a good chuckle about it, but we’ll see who gets the last laugh next time someone tries to blame their ralphed up quesadilla on me. It’s gonna be me, and by ‘laugh’ I mean ‘attack.’”

House resident Casper Wiggins, aka Fungus, explained the reason he got a dog.

“Initially it was just for the farts,” said Wiggins as he smeared snot on the fridge door for absolutely no good reason. “But after successfully blaming my flatulence on him, I realized I could also accuse him of a whole bunch of other gross stuff I like to do. But I don’t see what the big deal is, if the others found out it was me who barfed ten times last month in the hallway they’d definitely try to kick me out, but everyone forgives a dog. Sorry Skidz, better you than me.”

Punk researcher Dr. Kirby Hendricks described how this fringe sect of society has a long history of using scapegoats to cover the abhorrent way they live.

“Punks have no shame,” said Hendricks. “Their love of animals only goes as far as they can blame all the sick stuff they do on them, like spraying diarrhea all over the sink, or leaving large trails of bile on the floor. I once had a pit bull who I blamed for chewing up my sofa, until one day I realized there was a goddamn filthy punk living in the walls who’d mess my shit up when I wasn’t around. Let’s put it this way — one of these things is a dangerous animal that has no place living among humans, and the other one is a pit bull.”

As of press time, Skidmark was being blamed for a stockpile of stolen catalytic converters the police discovered in the punks’ garage.

6 Tips To Ensure You’re Crowdkilling in a Humane and Ethical Manner

Posted on by Steve Packosky

So you’ve found yourself at a Desolated show, and you want to be certain that nobody other than you gets to enjoy the performance. What’s a better way to go about this than crowdkilling? For those of you fortunate enough to not be in the know, this is the practice of hurling yourself, arms swinging, into the parts of the crowd that aren’t participating in the moshpit in the hopes that you injure some of your fellow concertgoers. What is the point of this, you ask? Fuck if we know, but we’d like to use our platform to make sure that, if you’re enough of a worthless pile of shit to participate in this unfortunate behavior, you at least adhere to some kind of code. As such, here are 6 tips to ensure you’re crowdkilling in a humane and ethical manner.

1. Safety First!
Your mission here is to harm other people who’ve never wronged you in any way, not to injure yourself. Crowdkilling can be physically exhausting, especially when your existing workout routine is limited to playing Fortnite and drinking Rockstars. Prep for a week beforehand by jogging to the liquor store down the block instead of driving to make sure your lungs can handle the extra effort of throwing yourself into a group of bystanders, and make sure you stretch beforehand. That concussion you just gave some poor 19-year-old girl will be paltry recompense for a pulled hamstring.

2. Fair Chase Principles
You don’t want to have an unfair advantage over your target, so make sure they are facing you while not hunched over their phone or engaged in conversation before you sucker punch them in the face for no goddamn reason. After all, everybody knows there’s nothing noble in hurting someone whose back is turned as they’re heading to the bar or restroom. You may be here to ruin the night of everybody who came here to enjoy some music with their friends, but you’re certainly not here to do so in a shameful and dishonorable fashion.

3. Respect Your Prey’s Property
Sure, you may be about to shatter someone’s jaw because they decided to leave the house and peacefully attend a concert, but there’s no reason to do it right after they’ve returned to the crowd while holding a full bottle of Labatt Blue. The same goes for phones. We don’t want the constant fear of being pummeled by a scum-sucking, attention-seeking loser like you to preclude people from taking video so they can remember this night going forward, so please wait politely for them to put their phones back in their pockets before you charge into them like some sort of frenzied, button-masher-controlled Ryu. We all know how expensive iPhones are, so they’ll certainly appreciate your consideration!

4. Understand Physical Boundaries
Every venue has its own specific layout, and it is your duty as a crowdkiller to learn and be aware of it before you engage in this pathetic and socially backward activity. Therefore, the bar, ticketing desk, restrooms, and any potential dining areas are completely off-limits to you. Remember, you are a morally upstanding crowdkiller, and you will show your hunting ground the deference it deserves. Your innocent victims are certain to recognize this as they’re cowering in fear from your relentless and completely needless physical assaults.

5. Choose Your Crowdkilling Companions Wisely
Your dutiful adherence to the principles outlined in this article will mean nothing if your partner in crime is not also aware of them. Who’s going to recognize you as a thoughtful and responsible crowdkiller if your buddy just cracked some guy’s eye socket while he was washing his hands in the men’s room? We are only as good as the company we keep, so bear that in mind while searching for like-minded colleagues. Prepare ahead by searching for someone who exhibits such righteous behaviors as buying his 24 oz Arizona Iced Teas from the local Sunoco in lieu of stealing them, or thanking people after bumming a cigarette off them. A little extra effort here will work wonders when it’s time to team up and unleash on the poor bastards who were unfortunate enough to inhabit the same building as you.

6. Leave No Trace
Congratulations! You’ve sent three people to the hospital, made yourself a total pariah in your local scene, and potentially got the venue shut down, but please don’t forget to grab a bunch of paper towels from the bathroom to clean up the blood and dislodged teeth now congealing on the floor. It is up to you to make sure this place looks like it would have had you not been here making everybody around you absolutely fucking miserable. Future crowdkillers will see this and know to act accordingly, so be an example!

There you have it! You may be a pitiful, reprehensible excuse for a human being, but nobody can say you don’t follow some loose set of guidelines while you’re randomly beating up strangers. Be sure to share this article with your scuzzy, crowdkilling friends, and stay tuned for our upcoming guide on how to be the douchebag in the moshpit who takes off his shirt!

Trump Announces Child Support Delinquency Payment Relief for Any Man Enlisting as ICE Agent

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

WASHINGTON — President Trump announced a new program to help boost ICE enlistment numbers by promising to forgive any debt incurred by delinquent child support payments by new recruits, multiple excited deadbeat dads confirmed.

“This country needs heroes right now. I wish I could be out there on the frontlines arresting illegal aliens myself, but I can’t, they need my big brain here in Washington to drain the swamp. And my brain is really big, doctors have looked at it and they can’t figure it out. It’s probably because my brain knows all the words, and all the numbers, and how they go together,” said Trump in a pre-written statement. “Today I’m enacting a beautiful new program to enlist some of the toughest men in our country to help restore our borders. These men are so tough they don’t even care about their own children, they don’t have time for love. The only thing they truly love is America, and me. And to reward these men for joining ICE we will forgive all of their child support debt and add it to the debt of a student at an Ivy League college.”

Jacob Lennihan, a divorced father of four, was one of the first people to take advantage of the new Trump initiative.

“I can’t wait to see the look on my ex-wife’s face when I tell her I don’t owe her jack shit anymore. Even better, my new job even lets me carry a gun even though two different judges banned me from having firearms until I finished an anger management course. Joining ICE is a big fuck you to my wife and the legal system as a whole,” said Lennihan. “It’s never been harder to be a man than it is right now. I haven’t seen my kid in years because I was allegedly drunk when I picked them up from school. Which is bullshit, I only had a few beers before picking them up, it was a bad reaction to the sleeping pills I just snorted that made me crash the car. That’s all behind me now though.”

Todd M. Lyons, the Acting Director of Immigration and Customs Enforcement, says he expects enlistment numbers to double before the end of the year.

“We are already seeing a large influx of qualified men who want to take advantage of the child support payment forgiveness. The most frequent question new recruits are asking is if they can deport their ex-wives to El Salvador. Unfortunately, that’s not legal right now, but we are working on it,” said Lyons. “We do give all the new recruits a pamphlet on how they can legally harass anyone who has done them wrong in the past, which has been very popular.”

At press time, President Trump is floating the idea of offering pardons to anyone with multiple DUIs if they are willing to play video games with Elon Musk for the weekend.

Trump Boasts Economy Much Stronger Under Him Than It Was Under Administration of 10 Minutes Ago

Posted on by Dan Rice

WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump made the bold claim that his economy is “hugely much stronger” than that of the administration of about 10 minutes ago after a surge in the stock market due to the repeal of most proposed tariffs, sources confirmed.

“You gotta wonder what the hell these clowns were even thinking in the first place!” said Trump in a moment he seemed to view as total victory. “A trade war against the entire world? Whoever cooked up that scheme outta have their head examined I think, I really really do. Well, now I’m in charge, and the numbers don’t lie, the economy is finally healing. Some are already saying this is the new golden age and it could last, I don’t know, 15 minutes, maybe even 45 minutes. People are making omelets again, that’s how good it is! They’re making omelets filled with prescription drugs they can afford and they are saying ‘Thank you, Mr. Trump, thank you for ending the madness.’ It’s a beautiful thing we’ve done, it really is.”

Many notable right-wing thought leaders, who took a rare stance against the party after the administration of ten or fifteen minutes ago’s proposed tariff fiasco, praised the President’s move as a return to sanity.

“One of the few things we can all agree on is that Donald Trump’s tariff plan was a chaotic embarrassment that has irreparably weakened America both domestically and on the world stage,” said podcaster Joe Rogan. “So you really gotta give big ups to President Donald Trump for stepping in to stop the bleeding, that’s called leadership. This is the exact sort of genius that made me vote for Trump and Musk in the first place.”

The President remained triumphant and proud through his press conference, even while addressing concerns that pausing the tariffs won’t be enough to prevent a recession.

“He kept saying this was his predecessor’s fault. A guy he called ‘Donald Dump’ because he kept ‘dumping on the economy.’ When I asked him if he was referring to himself he called me a childish dweeb,” said AP reporter Claude Magnusson. “Then he had every member of his cabinet come out and start patting him on the back at the same time while he thanked himself for being such a strong leader.”

As of press time, The President has segued into reading copy about how there’s never been a better time to buy a Cybertruck.

ICE Agent’s Heart Grows Three Sizes After Little Girl in House He’s Unconstitutionally Raiding Mistakes Him for Santa Claus

Posted on by Steve Packosky

NEWARK, N.J. — Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) Agent Gary Morton decided to change his morally reprehensible ways and lead an upstanding life after a resident of a house he was illegally raiding mistook him for Santa Claus, uplifted sources report.

“It was a pretty typical evening up until then,” Morton said. “I had broken down the front door and entered the house screaming with my gun raised and finger on the trigger, even though nobody there had any sort of violent history. I ran upstairs and burst into one of the bedrooms to find a little girl sitting up in bed and rubbing her eyes. When she looked at me and said ‘Santa?’ my heart just swelled. I suddenly realized how unspeakably cruel my profession is. I immediately told everyone downstairs to take her parents and siblings out of their handcuffs, then canceled the transport down to New Orleans where we were planning to detain them unnecessarily for an inordinate amount of time. I’m going to quit this job and become a nurse or mall Santa or something.”

Morton’s boss Russel Warren was not happy to hear about his revelation.

“This is just great,” Warren complained. “We’re up to our necks in unconstitutional raid and detainment assignments now that Trump is back in office, and my best agent suddenly decides to turn his life around. Now I need to add finding a new candidate to replace him onto my already full plate. Gary was the most talented officer I’ve ever seen when it comes to arresting people exclusively because of their skin color, and now the skills I’ve helped him hone are going to be completely wasted on a job where he betters society by helping people.”

ACLU lawyer Stacey Devons reacted to the news.

“It’s definitely heartening to hear something like this right now,” Devons offered. “My department’s caseload of corrupt ICE practices has never been higher, so Agent Morton’s conversion means less work for me. ICE agents are basically the worst human beings you can imagine, so it makes sense that a whimsical encounter with a child is the only thing that can change them. I just wish there was a way for us to induce this type of occurrence everywhere so these monsters stop terrorizing innocent people who are just trying to live their lives.”

At press time, Warren had also sworn to turn his life around after having been visited by three ghosts in the night.

Opinion: They Should Invent a Dog Breed That Doesn’t Look At You While You Jerk Off

Posted on by Dom Turek

Man domesticated dogs nearly 15,000 years ago, and astonishingly, there are now 400 distinct dog breeds. Even more astonishing is that no one thought to engineer a dog that doesn’t stare directly at you while you’re spanking the monkey.

Although long-touted as “man’s best friend,” it might be more apt to call them what they really are, which is “man’s best voyeur.” I’ve had a lot of best friends over the years, and almost none of them have stood still as a statue at the foot of my bed and watched me touch myself to completion. Take it from me, most people won’t consider doing something like that even if you beg, offer to pay, and promise not to tell anyone about it.

A dog’s nature and nurture both play a crucial role in his ability to perform specialized tasks. Basset hounds’ short legs allow them to locate ground prey easily, while Saint Bernards’ thick coats and strength make them ideal companions for rescue missions in low-temperature climates, so you can only imagine my surprise when I adopted a Bull Mastiff for its purported guard dog abilities and have since been forced to jerk off in my closet just to avoid his impenetrable gaze at my manhood.

Selective dog breeding has many benefits, but it is also controversial. Overpopulation, genetic defects, and man’s desire to induce speciation for selfish reasons are just a few reasons why dog breeding is considered a cruel practice but hear me out. If Queen Victoria was allowed to mate dogs endlessly until she got the four-pound emotional support dog of her dreams, why can’t we make a dog that won’t kink-shame me on my day off from work?

I’m no geneticist, but if we can design a dog that can track down cadavers or drugs using its three hundred smell receptors, we can surely make a dog that shows the same level of sexual indifference towards me as a cat or any one of my ex-girlfriends.

Les Claypool Finally Good Enough to Switch to Guitar

Posted on by David Britton

EL SOBRANTE, Calif. — Founding Primus member Les Claypool finally reached a level of competence that will allow him to stop playing bass and switch to guitar, confirmed sources who thought he was finally ready to make the leap.

“It’s a dream come true! I’ve been practicing bass since the Ford administration and it has all led to this highlight of my career,” said Claypool, who has been hoping to play guitar for decades now. “When I was a kid my father wouldn’t let me touch power tools, the car keys, or a guitar. He gave me a pile of wooden blocks and Fender Jazz Bass to play around with ‘until I was old enough.’ Well, guess what, Dad? I’m 61 now and I can play guitar and stay up as late as I want! I can’t wait to rub this in Flea’s face.”

Claypool’s bandmates were equally excited about their friend’s new instrument.

“Les has wanted this as long as I can remember,” said now-fellow guitarist Larry LaLonde. “He would even add extra strings to his bass so he could pretend it was a guitar. It was kind of cute in a pathetic sort of way. I’m just so happy that all his hard work has paid off. I mean he still can’t play F major, but one step at a time ya know? Also, we’ve decided not to go with a bassist from here on out. It just overcomplicates things.”

Dr. Jim Wegrzyn, a professor of musicology at Oxford, said that the switch from bass to guitar is a rare occurrence in the musical world, and often the would-be musician gives up, or even downgrades to drums, long before he gets close to learning guitar.

“Most bass players are just boyfriends of other band members,” explained Wegrzyn. “They hang around at band practice and are given something to do to keep them out of the way. When it comes time to record an album, they are allowed to play but then the producer secretly drops them all the way out of the mix in a move that’s ironically called ‘Justice for All.’ Now that I think about it, Kirk Hammett started off as the bass player for Exodus, so there’s hope for all bassists out there.”

At press time, Claypool was excitedly trying to teach guitar to his friend Victor Wooten in the hopes he too would someday be able to play a real instrument.

Bassist Writes Own Birthday Post on Band’s Instagram Page Again

Posted on by Jonah Nink

CHICAGO — Death Crack bassist Tim Bolz said he was “totally fine” with writing his own birthday post on the band’s Instagram page for the fifth year in a row, scene sources reported.

“I already write everyone else’s birthday post so I may as well write mine too,” Bolz said while spending his fourth hour crafting the perfect message. “Plus, no one knows it’s me writing my own happy birthday post so I get to be extra nice to myself. Last year I added a fake message from our singer and his wife thanking me for inviting them to spend the summer at my condo in the French Riviera. He’s single and gay and I still live with my parents but no one seemed to notice. This year I’ll go a step further and have our guitarist call me ‘his friend.’”

Death Crack vocalist Abe Springer had to be reminded Bolz was in the band.

“I thought our band page had been hacked,” Springer said. “I was DMing exes with the band account when I noticed this weird birthday post about a guy I had never seen before. There were all these pictures of him with us on stage. Our bassist insisted that he was the one in the photos and that he actually formed the band himself, but I went ahead and changed our passwords just to be sure. With how good generative AI is you can never be too careful.”

Foo Fighters bassist Nate Mendel says he offers an online writing class for bassists struggling to construct their own birthday message on their band’s social media.

“Just like playing bass on stage, you can’t rely on anyone else in the band for anything,” Mendel said. “You can lie about hanging out with the band outside of practice, but implying that they see you as an equal is unrealistic. It’s all about finding the birthday post writing pocket. For that, I recommend drawing up an outline, writing up several drafts, and having it peer reviewed by other bass players in your community before posting. As a bassist, you cannot take birthday posts lightly. It’s your only chance to almost get recognition.”

At press time, Bolz spent the rest of the afternoon periodically checking to see if the post would get more than one three likes.

Self-Improvement Win: This Man Found Someone He Hates More Than Himself

Posted on by Zack Zagranis

Hate is a word usually reserved for one’s most despised enemies, but what if the most pustulant, putrid, revolting human being you can think of is yourself? Well, if you’re self-described “subhuman clown boner,” Fleck Changstein, you spend the day loathing every inch of yourself, from your stupid hair to your weirdly knobby ankles. However, in a surprise twist of fate, Fleck recently found someone he hates even more than himself.

“I was at Wal-Mart buying a bottle of Tylenol PM and a handle of vodka,” Explained Changstein while watching a noose-tying tutorial on YouTube. “When I got to the checkout, I heard the guy in front of me say, ‘Hey chief if it doesn’t scan, it’s free, right? LoL.’”

Changstein described the man as “the human equivalent of having a railroad spike driven through your skull.”

“When he spoke, I had an epiphany,” Fleck continued, “Maybe I wasn’t the grossest person alive. I mean, I’ve done some despicable things, but I’ve never said el-oh-el out loud in conversation.”

From there, Changstein’s life took an unexpected upswing as he realized he had found someone nastier than him. This inspiring moment of self-reflection caused Fleck to take the single greatest step toward self-improvement he had ever attempted. He officially deemed his birth only the second worst crime ever committed against nature.

“Don’t get it twisted.” Said Fleck while looking in the mirror and giving his reflection the finger. “I still absolutely loathe myself to the point where if I had a time machine, I’d use it to go back in time and force-feed my mom the Plan B pill. The only difference is now I would find that douchebag’s Father first and crush his balls with a big rock.”

Since his chance encounter with the crass troglodyte at Walmart, Changstein has noted a major improvement in both his physical and mental well-being.

“Finding someone I hate even more than myself has definitely improved my mental health.” said Fleck while perusing razor blades on Amazon. “Before I would spend all day calling myself a loser who steals precious oxygen from more deserving people. But now? Even though I still think I’m a flaming bag of dogshit I know that If I don’t use that oxygen, someone even worse will.”

Wow, what an absolutely breathtaking example of the positive effect a random encounter with a stranger can have on one’s life!

Phish Announces Plans to Sing 5 Words and Then Dick Around for 27 Minutes

Posted on by Jeff Bender

HERSHEY, Pa. — Veteran band Phish announced their next song which would feature no more than five words followed by a “jam session” that could last up to 30 minutes, bewildered sources reported.

“Fans who follow us around the country have come to expect this kind of structure at our gigs,” said frontman Trey Anastasio, who unfortunately studied musical composition in college. “We don’t aim to please the audience but to ‘find’ something in the midst of a jam. It’s like deep-diving into the ocean, and we don’t know where we’re going, but we’re feeling it out together. That’s the magic of Phish. We lead our audiences into uncharted depths. Sometimes we wake up playing each other’s instruments. It’s like a communal dream. A dream that has almost no lyrics.”

Not all fans were so enthusiastic about experiencing this “journey” in real time.

“Very early on I got sucked into a vortex of aimless, drug-induced ‘jams’ that seem to have no beginning, middle, or end. At one point I asked my friend when the first song would be over, and he said this was the fourth song. I was like, ‘Are you kidding me?’” said new Phishhead Janet Turek. “Look, I really enjoyed the beginning of the show, where the guitar player sang a catchy lyric, and I was hoping to hear it again, you know, like in a real song? But they just drifted off into a world of trampolines and hotdogs. Would it kill them to have a distinct verse and chorus so I can follow along?”

Grateful Dead guitarist Bob Weir weighed in on the insufferable “jam” phenomenon, arguing that it isn’t all Phish’s fault.

“It’s pretty mean what we put fans through, sticking a crowd with such netless, structureless jams for 20 to 30 minutes,” said Weir, who’s also played in the band RatDog. “But I can only see that now, years later. Phish doesn’t know what a mess they’re in or how boring and self-indulgent it is—and Christ knows their fans aren’t helping. They’re just as susceptible to getting lost as the band. For new fans of jam bands, it helps to get high in the parking lot beforehand.”

At press time, Turek was relieved to hear the song was finally ending but enraged to learn it was only dipping into a fermata before heading into the dreaded a-cappella section.