Help! I Showed Jack Black Midwestern Emo, and Now He Won’t Stop Vocalizing All the Riffs

Posted on by Eric Degliomini

When I got hired as Jack Black’s assistant, I was stoked thinking it would be an easy gig of picking up lunches of gourmet Panda Express items, organizing his closets of brightly colored animal overprint t-shirts, and helping him decide between voicing Sans in a live action Undertale movie or taking 7 figure “recurring role” in a “University of Rock” Paramount Plus series. But when he overheard me listening to Braid my first week, he immediately started “Bun Namp na na na na na”ing along, following with a demand that I make him a mix of everything similarly Midwestern Emo I could find, and I am now one “raka doo dee dow” away from skadooshing myself.

I thought the guy who played a record store snob in High Fidelity would have already known about Midwestern Emo, but I guess just because the genre was started by bearded dad-looking Gen Xers, doesn’t mean they were all listening to it. At first, it was manageable when he was vocalizing one guitar part, but then he figured out how to simultaneously vocalize both guitars in “Never Meant” by doing the lead parts as “bang daka dang dang dang”s and the backing parts as “bew dern dern nern”s. I would be impressed if I didn’t have to stop him from doing it at his mother-in-law’s wake.

It’s been only two months since he started, and he’s already “bew bern bown do bew bew”d through Christie Front Drive’s discography, and he’s moved onto “bada baka da bada bow”ing into fourth-wave midwestern emo bands that were all from Philly like Snowing and Glocca Mora. It doesn’t matter if he’s in a meeting with Dreamworks for “Kung Fu Panda: A New Generation” or at an ad agency giving feedback on the creative direction of next year’s Tostadas SuperBowl commercial, if he starts hearing noodly twinkly guitars, he will accurately vocalize them with the energy he gave to classic rock riffs in the 2000’s.

If anyone has any ideas on how I can get him to stop, please let me know. The only thing that’s worked is when I play him Mathcore solos that exhaust him as he tries to keep up. I played him 43% Burnt two hours ago, and he hasn’t woken up from passing out after “bee dee doo doodly de de doo”ing. If I don’t get any help soon, he’ll start going backwards to Rites of Spring, which may kill him.

Metalhead Just Figures It’s Easier To Let His Family Think He’s Goth

Posted on by Steve Packosky

PUEBLO, Colo. — Metalhead James Kingor concluded that it’s just easier to let his family think he’s goth instead of constantly explaining the intricacies of metal and its various subgenres, resigned sources report.

“I’ve totally given up trying to tell my parents, siblings and cousins that being a metalhead is nothing like being goth,” Kingor sighed. “The other day, I went to visit my parents and my dad jokingly referred to me as ‘The Prince of Darkness’ because I was wearing a Municipal Waste shirt. They all think that I light black candles and watch ‘The Crow’ in my room while listening to Bauhaus. I just like to drink beer, play video games, hang out with my friends and cut the sleeves off of all of my shirts. There’s literally nothing goth about me, but it’s just easier to let my family assume I like Siouxsie and the Banshees. Trust me, convincing them otherwise is a wasted effort.”

Kingor’s mother Rachel expressed her concern over her son’s supposed goth lifestyle.

“Of course I’ve worried about my James and his goth phase,” Mrs. Kingor said. “Especially after the Columbine tragedy that happened when he was in middle school, I was concerned that he would lash out at those around him. He seems to have grown into a well-adjusted man, though, so I guess it’s just a funny little quirk about him. I’ll never understand his lifestyle, but I will always love and support him just the same. He recently got a tattoo on his arm of a band he loves called ‘Carcass’ or something like that, so I guess he’s going to be goth forever even if he does grow out of the music!”

Sociologist Candela Acosta explained Kingor’s situation with his family.

“It is extremely common for people’s family members to conflate their subcultures with others,” Acosta explained. “Parents of crust punks will assume that they listen to blink-182 and New Found Glory, and I did one case study of a rockabilly fan who was driven insane because her family consistently thought the only song she listened to was ‘Zoot Suit Riot’ by the Cherry Poppin’ Daddies. I agree with Kingor’s decision to refrain from correcting his family, as I’m sure he’s already tried enough times.”

At press time, Mrs. Kingor decided to surprise her son with a mesh tank-top and black lipstick for him to wear to an upcoming Cannibal Corpse show.

Six Songs We Listened To This Week Before Our Phones Melted From The Heat

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

Another week has come and gone and we are no better for it. In fact, some would argue we are far worse. Luckily we are too sweaty and exhausted to hurt by this assessment. Some claim the consumption of art is a great way to improve one’s emotional and mental standing in the world. We’re not so sure, but it’s worth a shot. Here are six songs we listened to this week that did nothing to improve our mood or general outlook on life.

Bright Eyes ‘1st World Blues’

Nobody saw this one coming, Bright Eyes are now a ska band. At least that’s what we’ve gathered from their latest single ‘1st World Blues.’ Don’t worry though, it’s actually kind of sick. Considering the meandering lyrics that skewer everything wrong with our materialistic culture, I guess the band thought a rocksteady arrangement would maybe lighten the mental load for everyone. It’s hard to really dig deep into the world’s ever growing problems when you’re skanking.

Alkaline Trio ‘Oblivion’

It’s long been known that Alkaline Trio releasing a new single so soon after an album run is a tell-tale sign of the impending apocalypse, so it’s fitting that the track is called ‘Oblivion.’ The single marks their first recording with Atom Willard on the back-beat, and comes during what seems like the most prolific period of the band’s existence. It was also produced by Travis Barker, which is odd considering how conservatively mixed and good the drum tones are.

Wednesday ‘Pick Up That Knife’

Your older brother’s favorite band, Wednesday, will be releasing ‘Bleeds,’ their highly anticipated follow-up to 2023’s breakthrough album ‘Rat Saw God.’ So far the advance singles have been gradually turning up the intensity knob. The sweet Americana sounds of ‘Elderberry Wine’ gave way to the fuzzier ‘Wound Up Here (By Holdin’ On).’ ‘Pick Up That Knife,’ however, breaks the knob off with disorienting feedback, tempo changes, and absolutely woozy melodies.

How Much Art ‘PR’

Seems everywhere you look these days, Pat Flynn (Have Heart, Fiddlehead) is starting another goddamn band. Apparently the dude can’t rest until he’s cornered the market on every sub-genre of hardcore. While that may be terrible news for his schedule, it’s fantastic news for us, as his latest, How Much Art is a riot. The first single ‘PR’ blends synth, emo, and hardcore into a pop sheen that still makes you want to throw your desk chair through a wall.

Thrice ‘Gnash’

Thrice are back with their first new music since 2021’s ‘Horizons/East.’ ‘Gnash’ from their forthcoming album – entitled, you guessed it – ‘Horizons/West’ is a frenetic ride that marks a bit of a return to form for the band. While the ambient exploration and expanded prog sections of ‘Horizons/East’ were pretty rad, it’s nice to hear a Thrice song that pummels the shit out of our speakers right out the gate again.

Sweet Gloom ‘Loudmouths’

LA’s crooning punk trio, Sweet Gloom, have just released a new single. ‘Loudmouths’ – originally recorded during the sessions for the band’s debut album ‘Reverie’ – is a catchy little soul-punk number that will have you slicking your back and rolling a pack of filterless Lucky Strikes up into your t-shirt sleeve. You might even be tempted to sing along, but we don’t recommend doing so in public. Remember how embarrassing that was last time?

And yes, we cancelled our Spotify account, so the long meandering playlist we used to provide will still be there to listen to, but we will no longer be adding to it.

Hooters Closes Stores Amid Bankruptcy as Younger Generation Favors Bespoke, Craft Titties

Posted on by Kelley Greene

ATLANTA — Hooters announced that it would be closing dozens of stores nationwide as part of a bankruptcy restructuring plan, as their customer base has shrunk due to the younger generation of men preferring to ogle less commercialized titties, confirmed sources.

“Year after year, Hooters has tirelessly climbed mountain after mountain to become bigger, better, and bouncier,” said Hooters spokesman Gregory Hill, noting that while the closures were less than ideal, the company was already looking to the future as the brand becomes less encumbered. “It’s true that our foot traffic has gone down now that you can merely gaze at breasts from the convenience of your own phone. But we’re not giving up. We’re going to meet young men where they are with the launch of our new subscription-based app, OnlyHoots. And we’re planning to accept Bitcoin for wing purchases.”

Young men, however, remain uninterested in Hooters’ attempts to gain their business, stating that they don’t feel the company truly has a grasp on today’s modern bazonga goggling.

“I’m simply not interested in paying $40 for a mediocre meal just so I can leer at tig ol’ bitties in a chain store,” said Aiden Howard, a college senior. “Personally, I’d rather have a more unique, local experience. There are tons of fantastic spots out there that brew their own IPAs, have a farm to table menu, and feature buxom servers. I’d like things to be a bit more subtle, you know? Let my friends and I waggle our eyebrows at each other over some nice looking chi-chis as the gal turns around and walks away. Let one of us order a glass of ‘mommy’ milk as a joke. Let me post a selfie with her and put it on Insta with a couple melon emojis.”

Older, more frequent Hooters patrons remain disappointed and upset by the closures.

“Hooters has been my go-to every Friday after work for the past 25 years,” said 56-year-old regular Paul Wilson. “Now they’re closing up shop over by my office because the kids these days are all gay, I guess. They spend all their time on their phones and they probably think the government should give them gazoons to look at for free. Now we’re the ones suffering because of it. What am I supposed to do on Friday nights now? Go home and talk to my wife?”

At press time, Wilson was spotted leaning on his Toyota Camry in the Hooters parking lot, hoping to get one last look at some boobies before the restaurant closed for good.

Five Tasty Coffee Alternatives To Get Excited About Before the Fall of Man

Posted on by Nick Brandt

Listen, times are tough. Global trade alliances are collapsing, resource scarcity is escalating, and it’s getting harder each day to convince yourself that war is just an “over there” problem. Even that new Netflix show you like isn’t getting a second season.

In a time of so much uncertainty, one thing is for sure: coffee isn’t going to exist in about 10 years. Over half of the global coffee supply stems from Brazil and Vietnam, and with the Amazon being deforested, the Suez Canal shipping crisis, and with Vietnam… well, we stopped keeping tabs on Vietnam after we pulled out the troops and stopped melting their forests and children, but things probably suck there too.

Anyways, here are some fresh coffee alternatives, and some old classics, to taste-drive as the empire of humanity collapses.

Postum

Postum was founded in 1895 by C.W. Post, a proud student of masturbation-hater John Harvey Kellogg. Following in Kellogg’s Presbyterian footsteps, Post founded his “instant” drink made of miller’s bran and molasses and marketed the beverage as a caffeine-free alternative to the wicked sexual energies found in coffee. Today, Postum has relaxed its pious origins and proudly operates as a women-owned and non-GMO certified business, waiting patiently to dominate the global market after our inevitable societal collapse. Today, enjoy this healthful beverage and be reminded of simpler times.

Chicory Root

Hipsters and immigrant moms unite! Chicory root has long been a staple of coffee substitutes in the Mediterranean region and was a popular product during the Great Depression. With rich flavours, and a rich history amid economic crises, it is only natural that chicory has a place in today’s crumbling ecosystem. Enjoy chicory as an additive to filter coffee, if you can afford some that is, or drink it boiled. Chicory root is caffeine-free, and if you squint your eyes and believe in yourself, it almost tastes good.

Bugmeal

If bugmeal is the protein of the future, then it is only natural that their dried and fermented carapaces will fill the hearty cups of copper scavengers. Blended or mulched, bughusks are quick to absorb the flavour of many available flavourful additives and remain fresh for six weeks in a sealed container. Meal prep it with soy and microplastics for a quick dietary supplement. This biodegradable and bowel-lubricating super-drink awaits the boldest fiber-deficient citizens of our near-future.

Café-Co Surrogate Albumen™

We had some trouble with the copyright claims here, but after Google’s claim as a sovereign state it was only natural that one of their subsidiary city-companies would manufacture a product to dominate the coffee market. Café-Co Surrogate Albumen™ isn’t coffee; in fact, it’s a bit of a proprietary secret. What we can say is that with the FDA defunded and thrown into the annals of history, there’s nothing to hold Café-Co back.

Swill

Swill is simple: you just mix whatever liquids you have lying around your bunker. River water? Throw it in the pot. That last thimble of engine coagulant? Yep, you guessed it. Condensation in the propane radiator? Rime in the bottle of expired cough syrup? The potential is limitless. A true visionary can even mix any of the article’s suggestions into a super serum that would rival the stimulants we gave horses during World War I.

Dying Merch Guy Wishes to Be Buried in Transparent Plastic Storage Box

Posted on by Cory Cousins

FREDERICK, Md. — Veteran road warrior and merch guy for international touring powerhouse, Bashful Dominatrix, revealed that he was dying from a terminal illness and expressed his wishes to be buried in a transparent plastic storage box following his passing, sources close to the band confirm.

“During your final days you start to contemplate things like where you would like to spend eternity,” noted Bashful Dominatrix merch guy, Dudley “Scoops” Abernathy. “I thought about getting buried in the family plot next to my partner who passed, but why not spend my post-mortem in a storage box that only the likes of unpurchased Gildan mediums have tread? If it’s good enough for patches, pins, and stickers, it’s good enough for my rotting corpse.”

One of the members of Bashful Dominatrix was available to comment on the plight of his ill-fated merch guy in between cryotherapy sessions.

“We have nothing but love for old Scoopsy,” mused Bashful Dominatrix vocalist Corvus Flintwinch. “It’s a damn tragedy what has been going on with his health lately. I understand that he wants to store his remains in one of the plastic storage boxes we use for our merch, which I think is lovely and poetic. However, if we need to use the box to make room for extra copies of CDs that will probably never sell and beer koozies, I’m sure he wouldn’t mind if we dump him in an ashtray or something.”

News of Abernathy’s impending death reached the leadership of the International Brotherhood of Merch Guys organization, who offered valuable information regarding end-of-life options for members in good standing.

“Mr. Abernathy has always been a loyal member of the IBMG, so we would just like him to be well-informed of his options before his passing,” replied IBMG spokesman Vincent Lionetti. “It’s natural that Mr. Abernathy would want his ashes to be placed in a merch container, but for a few extra bucks we can have his remains literally infused into his band’s t-shirt so that he can be worn by some random sweaty dude at shows for all time. I honestly can’t think of a better outcome.”

At press time, Abernathy opted to purchase the concierge package offered through his union, which would still have him in a plastic storage box, but would be placed next to the drummer to be used as an impromptu stand for their laptop.

Nihilist Doctor Recommends More Sleep So Your Meaningless Life Goes By Faster

Posted on by RJ Atkinson

NEWPORT NEWS, Va. — Local doctor, and self-described nihilist, recommended more sleep for better mood, improved brain function, and a faster return to the endless void we were ripped from at birth, confirmed sources.

“First and foremost, I went to medical school to help people,” said Dr. Michael Oberhoffer. “But one day, amongst the countless thousands I’ve spent wandering our vacuous, Khafka-esque hellscape, I realized the best way I can help those people is by expediting their merciful return to the sweet cradle of oblivion. And sure, I could just give ‘em a wink and prescribe enough pills to kill a rhino, but unfortunately I’m bound by the Hippocratic Oath. Which means I can only speed up the cruel, senseless existence of my beloved patients by recommending a good 12 to 16 hours of sleep per day.”

Dr. Oberhoffer’s methods, while controversial, are undeniably a hit amongst some of his patients.

“My God, it’s already October!” exclaimed Marry Blevins, who has been seeing Oberhoffer for almost a year. “I just can’t believe it. About 10 months ago, I went in to see if I could get a referral for a shrink, or maybe some Vicodin. But the good doctor made me see the truth. Which is that nothing on this Godforsaken rock hurtling through nothingness is worth being present for. I’ve recommended him to all my friends and family. Although I don’t see them much these days, because of all the sleeping.”

The fad is impacting the world of pharmaceuticals as well.

“Our advertising has taken an admittedly darker turn, but we can’t argue with these numbers,” remarked Jason Trailon, marketing executive of a notable pharmaceutical giant. “Simply changing the slogan of our sleeping pills to ‘Go to Sleep, Nothing Matters’ has increased sales 800%. We literally can’t keep those bad boys on the shelves for more than a few hours before a swarm of people buys every bottle. I guess some people really just don’t want to exist anymore. Which is fine by me. They’re asleep, speeding through life. I’m in my Ferrari, speeding through empty streets. It’s a win-win!”

At press time, the Surgeon General thanked Dr. Oberhoffer for his contributions, commenting how the nation’s workforce has never been more well-rested, albeit unmotivated.

How to Pad Your Resume by Simply Stealing an Eagle Scout Patch

Posted on by Noah Dominguez

The job market is absolutely brutal right now. And when you’re someone like me, who doesn’t have a “bachelor’s degree” in the traditional sense, it can be tough to land that ever-elusive interview. I’m constantly thinking of new ways to at least give hiring managers a second of pause before they throw my resume in the trash. And I think I’ve got something, even if the lamest people on the planet will probably call it “stolen valor.”

I didn’t last long in Boy Scouts. Something about an attitude problem. Or maybe it was that thing about starting fires in places other than the designated campfire spot. Regardless, when my old, decrepit Scoutmaster wasn’t ranting about how Middle Easterners “hate freedom” or how he simply wouldn’t have gotten trapped by a rock the way Aron Ralston did, I recall him insisting that reaching the rank of Eagle Scout would open up all kinds of doors career-wise. I may not have made Eagle, but much like how any asshole can just buy a blue checkmark on Twitter and act like it makes them important, I’m not going to let a technicality stop me from reaping the benefits of that patch.

I know what you’re thinking. “Isn’t the BSA an antiquated, jingoistic organization that borders on paramilitarism while also somehow making all its members look utterly unintimidating?” Well, yes. But you have to remember that a lot of companies are run by dorky boomers who eat that shit up. All you have to do is put “Eagle Scout” on your resume, tell them your local Scoutmaster died and will thus be unavailable for calls (for all you know, you’re not even lying), and get your hands on an official Eagle rank insignia to show anyone who gets a little too inquisitive.

“How exactly does one procure said insignia?” I hear you asking. “Surely, they’re kept under heavy guard in some sort of armored facility.” Nope. They’re available at your local Scout Shop for $2.99. “They’re at least locked in a glass case or hidden behind the counter, right?” Nah, they’re just kind of there. “But don’t you need to provide paperwork proving you’ve earned the patch before you can buy it?” you ask? Well, I don’t know how tight you think security is at the Scout Shop, but let’s just say whether they know it or not, they got a 5-finger discount running 24/7.

Look, we both know that if you’re here reading this, you’ve probably swiped a band patch or two from the merch table in your time. Same basic principle. Get in, get what you need, get out. And for the love of God, don’t look at the security cameras. But if stealth isn’t your thing, you could always just snatch and run. Do you really think the dweeb working the counter is going to chase you?

If you go with option two, you might as well also steal one of the Eagle Scout medals they put on the pocket flap just above the patch – because THAT’S not redundant. And at that point, go ahead and grab a Pinewood Derby Car Kit, too. It won’t help with your job hunt, but it’ll give you something to do while you wait to hear back from recruiters. Fair warning: it’ll still probably be a while.

Teen Punk Teeters Between “Make the World a Better Place” Punk or “Total Piece of Shit” Punk

Posted on by Tim Sheard

ROCHESTER, N.Y. — Local teenage punk Mathias Schuler is teetering between the kind of punk that makes a positive impact on society or the type that ends up as a total piece of shit, confirmed sources wondering if there was a third option.

“I’m thinking of going to school for political science to enact real change in this world and maybe wrestle some control away from corporate America,” said Schuler while adding items to his Amazon shopping cart. “But then again, it’s gonna be all whiney lefties and dirty hippies. Plus there’s probably no money in that anyways. So I might just couch surf for a while, bumming beer and cigarettes and along the way. There are tons of freeloaders in society. If I set my goals high enough, one day I can be one of them.”

Schuler’s parents realize how precarious the situation is.

“Mathias’s father and I are just worried sick over the whole thing,” said mother Deborah Schuler. “Sometimes he’ll wear shirts from bands like Aus-Rotten or Defiance and we think we raised him right. But other times he’ll go on about how cool John Lydon is and we wonder where we went wrong. Just the other day he made insensitive comments towards the Latino community while wearing a Los Crudos shirt, and when we called him out on it he claimed he was only saying what Darby Crash said in ‘The Downfall of Western Civilization.’ I don’t know what to do.”

The teenager’s school principal weighed in on the matter.

“I actually have a bet going with his teachers about how he’ll end up,” said Principal Ernie Le Mans while smoking in the teacher’s lounge. “Last I checked the pool was over $1,000. Every year we see kids with Dead Kennedys patches and Crass butt flaps, but we know most of them will end up catcalling women from some construction site. But then again, we had a student that was a huge Skrewdriver fan some years ago that ended up as a lawyer for the ACLU, so you never know.”

At press time, the 14-year-old was seen stealing money from a charity donation box so he could give it to a different charity.

Guy Who “Enjoys All Genres of Music” Just Referring to King Gizzard and the Lizard Wizard

Posted on by Ben Friedman

ALLENTOWN, Pa. — Local man Adam Jones fell under scrutiny after his claims of “liking all genres of music” was merely referencing King Gizzard and the Lizard Wizard’s discography, those close to him have confirmed.

“I definitely see myself as someone with a robust palette. Whether it’s psych rock, folk, electronic, garage rock, or thrash I love all the genres of guitar music. It just so happens King Gizzard encompasses all of that and more so yeah, I like everything,” said Jones. “There’s 27 albums to choose from, I mean that’s pretty much the most of the musical spectrum. Why delve into the history of prog rock with six different playlists when I can just put on ‘Polygondwanaland’ and call it a day? It’s everyone else who’s stuck in their own audio prisons, not me.”

Jones’ girlfriend didn’t realize his tastes revolved entirely around the band until months into their relationship.

“I was attracted to Adam’s open mindedness and that he wasn’t some gatekeeping snob. It wasn’t until we went to a jazz club a few weeks ago and he asked when they were going to get to singing about huntsman spiders. He then explained ‘Sketches of Brunswick East’ to me for over an hour and I realized he’s not listened to anything outside of King Gizzard,” said Kelly Pollack. “I asked if he’d at least heard of Coltrane, and he thought that was a toothpaste. I seriously can’t take on the mental load of trying to broaden his horizons outside of an Australian rock band.”

Record store owners were quick to point out many music fans like Jones existed, much to their chagrin.

“I’m always catching shit from supposed know-it-alls who get caught up in these genre-hopping bands like KGLW. Most of these groups actually are great but their versatility ends up having its own gravitational pull, per se,” said Kirk Mulholland. “Can’t tell you how many times I’ve had someone come in here asking for any ska, hardcore, and jazz fusion records and then get visibly confused and upset when I don’t produce a Mr. Bungle album. And don’t get me started on Ween fans, I had to give them their own section of the shop to make them happy.”

As of press time, Jones told his girlfriend he’d branched out to liking country rock after getting around to buying King Gizzard’s “Flight b741” album.