Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 3+4 Adds New Realistic Character Who Can’t Skate at All but Still Thinks He’s Better Than Elissa Steamer

Posted on by Reuben Blanchard

LOS ANGELES — Activision announced that the remake of Tony Hawk Pro Skater 3+4 will include a new playable character named Matt Fresh, who doesn’t know how to skate but still thinks he’s better than Elissa Steamer, confirmed sources.

“Initially, Matt wasn’t gonna be a playable character. He was gonna be a new NPC that just gets in the players’ way, similar to Officer Dick,” said game developer Carl Davids. “But when plans for Matt were leaked, the public demanded he be playable, so we made sure he was as realistic as possible. He can flat-ground ollie on every fifth try, and he supposedly can almost kickflip. He also wants every skate session to end way earlier than anyone else does. We wanted to make sure this character was a modern version of this archetype. In the ‘90s, Elissa Steamer was one of the only famous pro skateboarders who was a woman. That’s no longer the case. So Matt doesn’t just think he’s better than her. He thinks he’s better than all of the female, trans, queer, or non-binary skaters. He also thinks he’s better than any skater he just assumes is gay, which is all of them besides Tony Hawk.”

Local amateur skater Will Nelson couldn’t be more excited for the release.

“Matt is by far the most realistic character in the game,” said Nelson. “Sure, the other characters are literally based on real skaters, but Matt is REAL real. He has a Hook-Ups deck with some super explicit Hentai stuff on, which he rarely actually rides, and he’s always complaining about the spot not being good. His special move is to stand around and say things like ‘I’m just not feeling it today’ or ‘I would, but the angle is off, and also my trucks are too loose and my knee is kinda stiff.’ I mean, I’ve literally met this guy.”

Jessica Younoussi, writer for The Athletic, says while Matt is one of the first playable characters of his kind, there’s a reason he’s so popular in certain groups.

“Matt represents a small but vocal community: Men who can’t, but are pretty sure they could. Whether it’s being convinced they could dunk on Paige Bueckers despite not even being able to dunk, or ‘knowing’ they could score a goal against the entire USWNT, while not actually knowing the rules of soccer. These men feel that they personally deserve to be in the spots that women are in, while doing none of the work to get there. And despite its counterculture history, skateboarding is no different.”

As of press time, several new buyable add-ons for the character had been announced, such as a signature skate shoe Matt refuses to scuff up and a special move where he never brings a woman to orgasm.

Uplifting ISIS Re-Heading Video Goes Viral

Posted on by Tim Graham

RAQQA, Syria — Terrorist organization ISIS is taking credit for a stylish TikTok video showing masked figures successfully reattaching a man’s severed head, according to pleasantly surprised sources.

“We met with a public relations agency and asked plainly, ‘Why do so many people hate and fear us?’ They said it probably has to do with all the bombings and beheadings,” said ISIS spokesman Kassem Al-Azraq. “They helped us produce the video, which has done so much to rehabilitate our image. The agency used CG to make it appear that a man’s head had been restored to his body. The smiling man then stands up, shakes all of the ISIS members’ hands, and they pose for a photo together. The swelling score really makes it quite moving. Hashtag isisgoodguysnow.”

TikTok users have been excitedly spreading the video and sharing their reactions to the heartening content.

“The mainstream narrative has been that ISIS is this evil terrorist group who goes around killing people or whatever,” said new age TikTokker Sandra Bassinet. “But after seeing this video and how it has lifted so many hearts around the world, I have to say my opinion has changed. Everyone makes mistakes, and it looks like these guys are invested in growing and making amends for some of the uncool stuff they’ve done in the past. Check out my reaction video to get a coupon code for a crystal that is charged with positive energy that the video gave me.”

Top-level PR firms are accustomed to the challenges that come along with infamous clients like ISIS, according to Anderson Gein, partner at Gein, Gein and Gacy.

“We’ve handled many cases for high-profile clients with similar negative public opinion,” said Gein. “Correcting these perceptions boils down to our capability to lie very effectively, and on a grand scale. Our main tactic is to flood the zone with bullshit. Ever hear people say online that the January 6 insurrectionists were ‘mostly peaceful’ or ‘just sightseers’? Yeah, that was one of our campaigns. We’ve recently been hired by Russell Brand’s team—if we do our job right, in a year or so Brand will be out promoting a new comedy special, and everyone will have forgotten about those allegations.”

At press time, the Taliban had released an announcement teasing their upcoming series of mukbang videos.

Real Life Ratatouille: This Rat Yanks My Pubes and Makes My Dick Do Stuff

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

Most people will tell you Disney magic is something you only see in movies or after an unlicensed mushroom retreat. But to those cynics, I say, Disney magic is real! And I found it inside an Outback Steakhouse dumpster.

Several weeks ago, I had returned to my regular routine of dumpster diving after forming a fragile ceasefire with the local raccoons. I had come upon a garbage bag full of gently used bloomin’ onions when I came face to face with a common roof rat (rooficus ratticus).

I screamed at the rodent, threatening to “assfuck it in the mouth” if it didn’t turn tail and buzz off. But the rat, having no respect for mine and the raccoon’s truce, lunged at me, first working the face, before diving headlong into my already tattered pants.

Surely, this is the end for me, right? Or, at the very least, the rat would gnaw my dong until the head popped like a pimple. But wouldn’t you know it, the dang thing started getting cozy in my pubes like it was a Holiday Inn business suite. I couldn’t fathom the biology behind it. Perhaps my voluminous pubes and softened mound reminded the rat of its mother’s bosom. Or I had a special connection with the animal, like St. Francis, who tamed the wolf of Gubbio.

But the truly shocking moment was when the weird little freak started yanking on tufts of my pubes, causing my donger to start acting of its own accord. At first, the rat was tugging pubes seemingly at random, like an arcade patron trying to figure out a Mortal Kombat character’s moveset. But then it was deliberate, controlling my dong, trying to use it as a tool to aid in his rat endeavors.

Unfortunately, the ween’s lack of opposable digits makes it an ineffective grabber of food scraps, and its relatively fleshy and soft exterior makes it ineffective at cracking nuts or tupperware.

Still, it is obviously a marvel of animal-human symbiosis. No matter what those scientists who insist that the rat’s not controlling my dick and it’s just me getting an erection may say. And perhaps it’s not quite the same as running the kitchen of a Michelin star restaurant (I am working on a screenplay of my life story, by the way). But no matter what the pessimists and the doomers might say about Disney magic being some cockamamie fantasy, all you true believers can rest easy knowing that out there somewhere, there’s a guy in a dumpster getting his pubes tugged by a rat.

3 Doors Down Song Played at Baseball Game Somehow Worse Than 12-1 Loss

Posted on by Steve Packosky

DENVER — A devastating 12-1 loss incurred by the Colorado Rockies at the hands of the Milwaukee Brewers was completely overshadowed by the DJ playing the song “Superman” by 3 Doors Down at the start of the 9th inning, sources report.

“That was absolutely uncalled for,” said center fielder Brenton Doyle after the game. “I thought getting completely blown out was going to be the worst part of my day, but hearing the line ‘If I go crazy then will you still me Superman?’ definitely took the cake. I almost ran off the field and called it quits right then and there. It definitely would have been worth incurring a fine and getting skewered by the media, so I regret not doing it. Hell, I would gladly get sent back down to Triple A with a huge pay cut and drop my lifelong dream of playing in the majors if it meant I never have to hear it again.”

Fan Sam Darris couldn’t believe his ears despite completely his eyes with the final score of the game.

“It’s like DJ poured salt on an open wound,” Darris said. “I’ve been a Rockies fan my entire life, and that is the worst game that I can remember. This season, they’re the worst team in Major League Baseball by a country mile, but that doesn’t hurt nearly as bad as hearing such horrific early 2000s butt-rock blared in my ears for no fucking reason. I pay good money for my season tickets, and I deserve to have a good time and enjoy watching my favorite team get completely demolished for the umpteenth time this month. The team has no right to take that away from me by ruining my day with that garbage.”

DJ Wes Burfyn was contrite about his decision to play the derided song.

“That one’s definitely on me,” Burfyn admitted. “I got kind of sick of playing ‘Enter Sandman’ and ‘Crazy Train’ so much, and thought I’d spice things up with a little variety. I wasn’t thinking. Had I stopped to consider what I was doing for even a second I would’ve realized that I was giving thousands of people the worst experience of their day. I don’t know what I can do to make it up to the team and the great baseball fans of Denver, but I promise to do better going forward.”

At press time, the team’s management decided to focus all of their money and resources on making sure the DJ staff was properly trained.

Band Not Good Enough to Warrant This Many Bandcamp Emails

Posted on by John Danek

RALEIGH, N.C. — Local punk thrashers Suet are using Bandcamp’s ability to send email notifications disproportionately to the level of interest garnered by their music, annoyed fans reported.

“We’ve been calling our vinyl printers every day asking for updates on the pink-and-gray splatter variant of last year’s EP, and we make sure to pass every update to our fans,” stated Suet bassist and vocalist Rodney Garguillo, who has replaced many band rehearsals with digital marketing seminars. “Fans need to know things like when XS shirts with the logo on the front pocket are estimated to come back in stock. As for the music, we’re not reinventing the wheel. It’s punk. Pick four chords at random and repeat for two minutes. The songs are in many ways marketing for our email campaigns.”

Those close to the members of Suet are beginning to question the band’s artistic priorities.

“Suet’s first few batches of songs were quite good, if a little cookie-cutter. But then they got on Bandcamp and it’s been a non-stop barrage of messages which never end up in my spam folder like they should,” stated Kelly Blasquez, sister of Suet drummer Brandon Blasquez. “The constant barrage of messages is ruining what little enjoyment I could get out of their stuff. And now I’m afraid that if I unsubscribe, they will be able to see that in the Bandcamp interface. Things would get super awkward around the holidays at my parents’ house. I already stole his girlfriend- we can’t have any more drama.”

Marketing and SEO experts weigh the pros and cons of focusing so heavily on the digital footprint of a band.

“You had better be the next Led fucking Zeppelin if you’re going to send more than two emails per month to your exceedingly generous and kind Bandcamp followers,” stated Jackie Tilly, who freelances as an SEO consultant. “Don’t punish them. No one really cares when your stickers are restocked or when they will be obligated next to buy a new vinyl to maybe play once. Just be happy that anyone can even fake interest in your shitty band which exists in a sea of a million other shitty bands.”

As of press time, Garguillo has quit Suet due to “creative differences” as to how many exclamation points to use in the subject line of the band’s next Bandcamp email.

Opinion: If You Didn’t Want to Get Smoke Blown In Your Face, Beer in Your Eyes, and A Kick In the Back of Your Head, Then You Shouldn’t Have Come to This Yo Gabba Gabba Live Show

Posted on by Kal Perry

The 2025 Yo Gabba Gabba live tour is fast approaching, which means a crop of noob fans are about to experience the magic for the first time. If you are a first timer, take it from me, a seasoned Gabba-head: If you’re not ready to throw the fuck down, then stay the fuck away.

To the uninitiated, a Yo Gabba Gabba live show might just sound like a fun, easy-going way to hear the tunes you’ve come to love from the show. This could not be further from the truth. These shows are some of the most ruthless, violent, and feral events I’ve ever been a part of. And that is exactly why people like me (an unemployed 38-year-old man) attend them.

If you think you have what it takes to hang with the big dogs at one of these ragers, I’ll offer some free advice.

First off, when Kammy Kam comes on stage and yells, “Hey Kids! Are you guys ready to dance?” What she really means is, “Open this fucking pit!”. Do not be surprised when the crowd responds to the implied call to action. These are real Gabba sickos we are talking about here. They know what Kammy Kam wants without her having to say it.

When Brobee and Foofa start getting down nasty style to “The Freeze Game” song, that means the wall of death is coming. Pick a side and get ready to plow, or prepare to pay the price of neutrality.

I’ll be honest. The first time I attended one of these shows, I was skeptical of the child fans. Can you blame me? These dipshit kids in Plex shirts and Toodee beanies probably don’t even know who DJ Lance Rock is! I wanted to share a bloodbath mosh pit experience with the real OGs. I didn’t want to have to “be considerate” or “think of the children”, like concerned parents begged me to do at that Wiggles show years ago (a story for another time).

Boy oh boy, was I wrong. These kids are fucking insane. As an avid show-goer and frequent fight-starter, I thought that I was pretty hard. But nothing can prepare you for a stampede of two hundred 9-year-old shin-kickers aggressively skanking to “I Like To Dance” in the fastest circle pit you’ve ever seen. Well, nothing except maybe a PCP dipped cigarette and confidence, both of which you will NEED if this is your first Yo Gabba Gabba show.

We, the hardened Gabba lover community, do not need more prudes killing the vibes at these shows. But if you are ready to do battle, welcome to the family. There’s nothing quite like crowd surfing to “There’s A Party In My Tummy” with an open beer in one hand and a lit swisher in the other.

Punk Traveling Abroad Knows How To Say “Nice Shirt, Name Three Songs” in Six Languages

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

LINKÖPING, Sweden — An American punk backpacking through Europe reportedly refused to learn simple key phrases for the countries he is visiting, opting instead to just be able to say “Nice shirt, name three songs” in various dialects, confirmed sources.

“Most American tourists disrespect other cultures by expecting everyone to speak English. I’ve taken the time to learn the essentials which involves challenging strangers to justify wearing band merch,” said 23-year-old Connor Morris while sipping an alcohol-free Snaps hoping someone will ask about his Rites of Spring shirt. “I also did research on the local punk scene in every country I am visiting. It is only polite to demand a German girl name a Die Ärzte song that was released before the wall fell in her native tongue.”

Locals have had mixed reactions to Whitney’s supposed “cultural fluency,” especially women who say they’d prefer the usual brand of English-speaking hostility.

“He saw my Touché Amoré and shouted, ‘Fin tröja. Nämn tre låtar!’ I asked him if he liked the new record, and he just blinked at me and repeated, ‘Fin tröja. Nämn tre låtar,’ over and over,” said Elsa Vikström, a Swedish record store clerk. “At first I thought it was a bit, but then I realized he only knows that one phrase. I actually speak fluent English but I wasn’t going to let him know that. I wish he’d just yell English at me like I’m hard of hearing like a normal American. His multi-linguistic brand of cross-continental gatekeeping is exhausting.”

Experts say that Whitney’s behavior, while irritating, is not entirely uncommon among subcultural tourists.

“Every culture has their own way of gatekeeping music scenes,” said travel sociologist Dr. Hannah Morrell, who studies hostel subcultures abroad. “In Spain, it’s more about accusing you of only knowing the greatest hits. In Italy, they’ll ask where you saw the band live. In the Balkans, they make fun of you if you don’t own an album on cassette tape. There’s no universal phrase for ‘poser,’ but energy is universal.”

At press time, Whitney had reportedly learned, “Do I have the right to an attorney?” in both French and Dutch.

IDF Soldier Terrified For Life After Tiny Baby Gets Enough Food to Survive for Six More Hours

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

GAZA CITY — Yosef Peretz, an IDF soldier stationed in watch towers at a Gaza Humanitarian Foundation aid station, is fearing for his life after seeing Palestinian babies getting scraps of food that might sustain them for the next few hours, sources confirmed.

“I’ve been having trouble sleeping at night ever since the food started arriving in Gaza. Just yesterday I saw a four-year-old girl smile while eating handfuls of raw rice, I took that as a direct attack on me and on Israel because I know Hamas is somewhere in that girl’s stomach cooking that rice and making it into a bomb that they will drop on an innocent Israeli baby,” said Peretz. “And just this morning, I saw a newborn baby eating some sort of paste. Now that baby might have enough energy to storm the guard towers and I’ll be forced to engage in hand-to-hand combat. I know that baby has been radicalized by Hamas, and it could take me hostage.”

Jillian Gomez, an aid worker with UNRWA, says the IDF’s fears are overblown.

“I’m not exactly sure what the Israeli soldiers are afraid of. I’m surrounded by desperate people who are so weak from hunger that they can barely open any aid packages, and the IDF claims that these are all Hamas super soldiers disguised as malnourished women and children,” said Gomez. “The Israeli soldiers are some of the most cowardly people I’ve ever encountered. They hide in their guard stations, armed with high-caliber weapons, and will randomly fire into crowds of people for no reason. The world needs to wake up.”

Pennsylvania Congressman John Fetterman defended Israel’s actions.

“Look, Israel has the right to defend itself. I hear a lot of people saying Israel is committing war crimes, and that’s simply not the case. Israel is simply strengthening their border by starving the people in Gaza and denying them medical treatment,” said Fetterman while in line at a local bank cashing a check from AIPAC. “I’ve talked to a lot of people on the front lines of the war and these soldiers tell me that the Palestinians have called them a lot of nasty names, some of them have even thrown rocks. Are the soldiers not supposed to beat and torture these people after they do that?”

At press time, a top Israeli official confirmed that all the starving children of Gaza that have been terrorizing IDF soldiers were in fact generated by AI.

Concerning: New Boyfriend’s Sex Playlist Just 3 Locust Songs Long

Posted on by Joe Rumrill

MUNCIE, Ind. — Local 29-year-old Reema Cordero was alarmed to find that her recently official new boyfriend has a sex mix that is reportedly only a few Locust tracks, sources confirmed while searching and failing to find words of encouragement.

“I mean, I really like the guy, but come on, the whole thing clocks out at around a minute and 17 seconds! Not to be judgemental, but a girl could really use a song with a bridge to at least entertain the possibility she might get hers too, jeez!” lamented Cordero. “And, all due respect to Justin Pearson and company, but the BPM on songs like ‘Get Off the Cross, The Wood is Needed’ makes for some, I’ll just come right out and say it — weird fucking! No time for foreplay, nothing to get me in the mood, just blast beats, synth squeals and snarling. There are girls out there that swoon for that stuff, but it sure ain’t me.”

Cordero’s new boyfriend, 28-year-old screenprinter Steve Bender, launched an ardent defense of the playlist.

“Oh come on, first of all, this could totally be a work in progress that has been taken entirely out of context. Well, sure, it isn’t, but I’m saying it could be, is all! Plus, get this: I don’t pay for Spotify, so the ad breaks between the tracks really add a bunch of time, so…” sputtered Bender, making sure to be out of earshot of his boys. “Those ads really rack up considerable seconds, we’re talking in the upwards of dozens. That’s an awful lot of humpage where I come from. Tons of humpage. I feel like you’re not picturing the sheer amount of humpage here.”

Locust leader Justin Pearson offered his voice of support, pulling for the couple’s success.

“Hey, I’m just proud that my music could bring any two lovers together, and make them happy, even if only one of them gets to remain that way after two minutes,” said a prideful Pearson with a sly smile. “The Locust’s music may be known for short bursts, but we’re energetic, god damn it. Call me crazy, but I’d rather be with someone like that than someone who screws to a Rick Wakeman concept double-album. Sounds like a tiring time to me. Get your rocks off and get to bed, that’s what I say.”

At press time, the couple is hoping breathing exercises and meditation could one day allow them to add Napalm Death’s “You Suffer” to the mix, netting them 1.3 more seconds of intimacy.

Modern Day Jolene? My Husband Is Falling in Love With His Banking App’s AI Assistant

Posted on by Ben Friedman

Whenever I’ve heard “Jolene”, it always triggers some intrusive thoughts. Like if a bank teller can be hot enough to almost tempt someone away from Dolly Parton of all people, could my husband Jeff also be so easily led astray? Sure, his screen time is borderline excessive, but I never once believed he’d spend a second of it talking to other women.

Unfortunately, those intrusive thoughts have turned into a real-life marital crisis because just like in the song, my husband is being tempted away from me by the AI assistant in his Bank of America app.

I knew something was up when I caught him on the app at 2 a.m. sending that harlot Erica messages about opening another savings account. Does he not realize we have a joint account already? It’s like he wants to get caught.

It’s almost comical how easily she could take my man. Is the allure of some soulless AI espousing financial advice that much more powerful than being with someone who has only provided him with a loving home? I’ve eavesdropped on her speech-to-text capabilities, and it’s far from soft like summer rain.

On top of that, this autonomous home wrecker can look like whoever Jeff wants her to look like. Dolly could at least do a Jolene threat assessment, what with the auburn hair and green eyes, and know who she was up against. Is Erica a goth muscle mommy, or a green-haired alt girl? Going by his Instagram searches, I’m potentially up against a top 1% OnlyFans model who moonlights as a bank teller.

Worst of all, I can’t even tell her to leave my husband alone. I called her out after requesting “help” setting up a retirement plan, and that bitch told me to call customer support. I will take a hammer to BoA’s servers if she doesn’t stop sending my man DM’s about building equity.

You know what? Fuck this. If Jeff wants to goon over an artificial computer woman, he can have her. My happiness doesn’t depend on competing with Erica, so I’m going to take some advice from a different Dolly song and dump the dude.

Have fun talking about her in your sleep, jackass.