Anarchist Makes It 3 Weeks into New Collectivist Compound Before Realizing They Accidentally Joined Amish Village

Posted on by Stephen Bell

RONKS, Penn. — Local anarchist and aspirational revolutionary Steven Franks felt foolish after discovering that he accidentally became part of an Amish village a full three weeks into his stay at a new “commune,” bearded sources confirmed.

“I joined this village because I believe the exploitative capitalist society we live in can only be taken down by embracing agrarian traditionalist means of communal production,” said Franks as he churned some butter. “The simple clothes these people wear help reject corporate logos and materialism, the horse and buggies reject the pollution that cars create, and the beards I figured were a statement about rejecting capitalist beauty standards. It wasn’t until I saw the people’s horrified looks after suggesting we have an orgy that I realized I joined the Amish because let’s face it, anarchists are just Amish people that fuck.”

The village elders were predictably stoic when asked about their decision to kick Franks out.

“We often have city folk who come to our village and ask to join,” said village elder Thomas Yoder. “We took compassion on this fellow due to his torn clothes and angry countenance because we believed he needed our compassion. He proved to be a good worker, but ultimately his fornicating ways and rejection of Jesus does mean he shall burn in hell for eternity and we couldn’t allow his corruption to plague our village. We’re going to tell him that he needs to go on Rumspringa soon and hopefully he doesn’t come back. Otherwise we will have to do the worst punishment of all, shunning. And who likes being ignored?”

Political Scientist at Penn State University Lauren Pryce talked about how common it is for anarchists to accidentally join various groups.

“Steven here definitely isn’t the first anarchist to join the Amish or any other number of seemingly unrelated groups,” explained Pryce. “For example, I’ve known anarcho-punks who joined the Promise Keepers because they thought they were just another group of straight edgers. There was the other one who joined the Gregorian monks because they wanted to include the chanting into their punk band, and finally I remember that one guy who accidentally joined NATO thinking it stood for Northern Anarchist Theater Organization. The point being: you’ll find anarchists in all sorts of strange places.

At press time, it was reported that Franks had accidentally become the libertarian candidate for President after going to the wrong anti-government convention.

How To Appear Sympathetic When Your Boss Complains to You About Their Home Renovation Delays

Posted on by Rachel Hein

There’s an old saying: many a man doth take his lord for a fool, but he who mocks his lord works hard, and he who fools his lord, works long. Okay, that’s not actually a saying, but it should be. This is as much as to say, unfortunately, your boss’s plight is your own. And there comes a point in every boss’s career when they begin complaining to subordinates about their home renovation delays. We’re not totally sure why. We know it has to do with a general sense of ennui and dissatisfaction in lifestyle, work, and partnerships that they believe can be remedied by privacy hedges and rain shower heads. Nevertheless, these remodels always get delayed which allows your boss to become the victim in their own life. And your life will become a lot easier when you join in to lament their asinine problems and praise their personal sacrifice as they undergo hardship in this unrelenting world that only affects them.

Repress thoughts, feelings, dialogue…
The most important thing is that your boss hears themselves talk as they fixate on their beleaguered state, subjected to await completion of their wife’s Pinterest board carried out by underpaid highly-skilled laborers. You might not even know what a louvered pergola is or why an entire staircase needs to be moved to make way for a particular light fixture, but this is not a time to ask questions. In fact, what you say seldom matters. What you don’t say matters much more. This is no time to tell them your thoughts on the housing crisis or why private property ownership is the root of injustice and the foundation of self-alientation. Bite your tongue. Literally bite it if you have to. Bite it until it bleeds, but do not under any circumstances share anything that conflicts with or invalidates their “suffering.”

Imagine they live with monsters
You might wonder why your boss spends so much time complaining to you when they could be doing frankly anything else. You must remember that any time they spend at work bemoaning the lack of plunge pool in their yard or heated tiles in their bathroom is time they’d otherwise be forced to spend with their families. So it’s best to imagine their family as sadistic, blood-sucking humanoid monsters. Yes, even his four-year-old daughter. Imagine she’s a shapeshifting snake and you’ll find it less arduous to pity their plight being sequestered with such demons.

Treat their enemies as your enemies
You’ll hear them bring up the same names ad nauseum—usually a contractor or interior designer. These people are fair game, so feel free to bully them or use them as an object of ridicule. A good bet is to roll your eyes any time they’re brought up and scoff in a way that suggests, “I can’t believe this person is in charge or tying their own shoes, much less designing a home.” Really lay it on. Projecting arbitrary blame onto a third party is a great way to make your boss feel closer to you and gain their trust that you “get it.”

Let it fuel your murder fantasies
Sure it can be hard not to reflect on the time you were told to “hang in there” when you asked for a marginal raise to afford rent in your studio apartment while they rattle on about new travertine floors or knocking down original architecture for an open-concept hellscape. But reframe that thinking as fodder for revenge fantasies that help you sleep at night. For instance, think of the space that will open up for you to choke your boss with your bare hands and watch him gasp for his last breath before falling limp on his new Tuscan-inspired flooring. See? Now it’s fun!

With practice, you’ll master the art of suppressing every authentic thing about your lived experience to create a safe environment for your boss’s navel-gazing woes. Eventually, it’ll become so routine, you’ll stop seeing it as emblematic of the inequities in income distribution and limitless consumption generated by late-stage capitalism. And once you’ve finally succumbed, that’s when you’ll be up for a promotion!

Estranged Influencer Couple Agree to Stay Together For the Algorithm

Posted on by Tim Sheard

CHARLESTON, S.C. — Estranged husband and wife lifestyle influencer couple known as “The Wilsons” announced they had reconciled and agreed to stay together for the sake of the algorithm, friends force to help film content confirmed.

“It was a tough three months of soul searching, watching YouTube videos about therapy, and failed attempts at going solo which made me realize that deep down, Stan and I love our brand too much to destroy the favorable algorithm that has us at the top of everyone’s feed. We didn’t spend ten years staging and filming every private and public interaction we’ve had just to throw it all away because he won’t stop DM’ing underage girls,” said Lauren Wilson. “We agreed to give it another go for the sake of monetization, and that we can try to tolerate each other in front of the cameras. At least until most of our followers are in college.”

Friends of the couple voiced their disappointment about the reconciliation.

“I was actually happy when Lauren told me she had enough and I thought I was getting my friend back, but now we have to deal with this bullshit again. My partner and I stopped inviting them over because whenever she wasn’t hauling recording equipment and ring lights into my house, she would complain nonstop about how Stan is too lazy to edit their ‘date’ videos,” said Kelly Jones. “I don’t know how they can keep up this farce. They literally don’t talk to each other unless someone is recording. But I guess since they rely solely on getting free shit companies in order to maintain their lifestyle, SEO comes first.”

Couples counselors have seen an unsettling uptick in influencer couples attempting to reconcile.

“Our priority is to help couples find middle ground and grow together, but any pair with a lifestyle brand that comes into my office is 100% irredeemable. Seriously, I actually encourage them to break up. It’s hard to get to the root of the acrimony when you’ve got people with made up personas arguing over who gets mentioned more in their posts,” said Dr. Miriam Stein. “My advice is always for the couple to get as far away from each other and get real jobs and hobbies without filming every second of their existence. But most importantly, no one gives a crap about their lives.”

Upon their return to social media, Lauren and Stan announced they’d be sending their children to live with their grandparents after being unable to garner sufficient engagement on TikTok.

Six Songs We Listened To This Week While Refusing To Look Up What ‘Demure’ Means

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

It’s a new week filled with new trends and recently rediscovered ways to overuse outdated terminology in an effort to appear intelligent on the internet. While those around you make efforts to better themselves and expand their vernacular, you’ve decided yet again to languish in your stagnation. We can’t stand to see you like this, so we’ve rounded up some new music for you. These tracks won’t suddenly turn you into a walking thesaurus, but they might just make you feel on top of current trends for the first time in your life. Here we go.

Alkaline Trio “The Sacrifice” & “At Sickness”

Earlier this year, Alkaline Trio released their 10th album ‘Blood, Hair, And Eyeballs.’ It was a return to form packed full of classic moments that would have been enough to satiate even the most die-hard fan for years to come. Apparently, the band hasn’t quite wrapped up their victory lap, as they have surprise released two new – and incredible – singles. Both continue their dip into their signature sound while incorporating some of their heaviest riffs to date.

Ripped to Shreds “Force Fed”

If you haven’t checked out San Jose’s rising death metal outfit Ripped To Shreds, you are sorely missing out. The quartet is set to release their second album since signing to Relapse Records, ‘Sanshi.’ Based on what we’ve heard so far, the record might bring about the already impending apocalypse. The latest single, ‘Force Fed,’ is thrashy as all get out. You might want to invest in some renter’s insurance before putting this one on just in case you break all your furniture during the absolute scorcher of the outro.

Drug Church “Chow”

Unless you’ve been living under a rock – which, no judgment if so – you’ve probably heard that Drug Church is back in session with their forthcoming album ‘Prude.’ Their latest singles, including the newly released ‘Chow,’ suggests that the highly anticipated record will be well worth the wait. If you’d like to avoid being trampled at the record store on release day, head on over to our shop and pre-order a limited edition copy.

Magna Vita “Poison Snake”

Imagine a scenario in which, via a freak scientific accident, the three dudes from Menomena were somehow melded into one person that subsequently decided to start a metalcore band. There’s a good chance that what you’ve conjured sounds a whole lot like Toronto’s Magna Vita. Their latest single ‘Poison Snake’ is an epic journey through walls of guitars, unique-but-still catchy hooks, and enough twists to keep even your terrible attention span honed in.

Sweet Pill “There, There (The Wonder Years cover)”

Famed indie label Hopeless Records is currently celebrating their 30th year in operation. To mark the occasion they have been steadily rolling out a singles series entitled ‘Hopelessly Devoted To You’ featuring tracks from their storied roster. Recent signees Sweet Pill contributed their version of ‘There, There’ by label legends The Wonder Years. It’s a great cover and Sweet Pill had the gall to write an entirely new verse for the track, further solidifying them as one of the most fearless new emo acts around.

Too demure to make your own playlist? Yeah, we thought so. That’s why we’ve been mindful enough to do it for you. You’ll find these songs and countless others by clicking here. Be sure to give it a follow or like or whatever Spotify is calling it now so you always have a way of tricking your loved ones into thinking you finally have good taste.

Quiz: Is It “Brat Summer” or Undiagnosed Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

Posted on by Alex Vlahov

You rebel, you. Doing your thing in the sun. Blithely walking through life undisturbed. Tossing your hair without care. Sounds like you’re having a “brat summer,” as you should be. Still, one can’t help but wonder where the line is between embodying the pure essence of “brat,” or accidentally showing red flags of narcissistic behavior. Sure, personality disorders run in your family, but you’re different! You’re unique! You’re a cut above the rest. Here are several Charli XCX lyrics from her 2024 album (titled, you guessed it, ‘Brat’) to see which response is aligned with your untroubled sunny days:

Yeah, I heard you talk about me, that’s the word on the street /
You’re obsessin’, just confess it, put your hands up
(from “Von Dutch”)

A. You act naturally and have a healthy awareness of your attraction while at the beach, choosing fits that make you feel the most confident.

B. You know that everyone is obsessed with your body and face-card, which is why you AirDrop your nudes and unwelcomely hit on a tanning couple. When they ask you to leave, you claim to have been there first and plant your umbrella in the ground, making loud videos about how rude others can be on the beach.

When you’re in the mirror, do you like what you see? /
When you’re in the mirror, you’re just looking at me
(from “360”)

A. You only invite out the people you want to see, and that’s OK because life is too short. You get tipsy, but not enough to lose control, just enough to have fun.

B. You are often black-out drunk, and alone. If anyone ever goes out partying with you, you seek revenge by making AI porn with their likeness and send it to their family members.

Who the fuck are you? I’m a brat when I’m bumpin’ that
Now I wanna hear my track, are you bumpin’ that??
(from “365”)

A. You make custom clothes (without any self-consciousness) for your nights out, re-utilizing thrift finds or stitching your own fits together. People love your bold, eye-catching style, a sartorial compliment to any social outing.

B. The only way you can get people to like you is to talk about new music, so you hog the aux cord and force everyone to listen to critic-approved avant-garde pop, name-dropping bands you’ve been backstage with, while party guests actively avoid you.

You say she’s problematic and the way you say it, so fanatic
Think she already knows that you’re obsessed
(from “Mean Girls”)

A. You embark on a spur-the-moment road trip to a famous historic dive bar and remote abandoned theme park with your best friend, followed by a morning spent wandering the coast without telling anyone your whereabouts. You try to live in the present without worrying about the future too much.

B. You borrow your roommate’s car to take a self-care cross country vacation, blaming the theft on “immigrants” and then counter-suing for emotional distress. When you get back, you lie about running in social circles with Glenn Beck when you really meant to say Glen Powell.

I followed you to the bathroom /
But then I felt crazy /
I’m feeling like I’m on fire /
‘Cause we’ve been keeping this a sеcret
(from “Talk Talk”)

A. You go to the bathroom for a discreet vape or bump with beloved friends before dancing the night away with hot strangers. You have a summer fling but end it because setting boundaries and firmly saying “no” has never been a problem for you.

B. A girl is making advances on a guy you’re interested in, so you squirt Visine into her glass and loudly make fun of her when she becomes violently ill. Lie to the staff and deny despite surveillance footage, only to turn the evening’s trauma into a viral front-facing TikTok about the “horrors” you experienced.

‘Cause I’ve been looking at you so long /
Now I only see me
(from “Apple”)

A. You politely decline to bring your friend to the airport since it conflicts with a hot date.

B. You delete a friend’s number for ever asking such a cheugy question, unless they were a status symbol acquaintance that can elevate the clubbing of your “brat girl summer.” Alt answer: maybe, but if they pay you in cigarettes. French brands only.

If you answered A to these questions then good news, you are a well adjusted human. If you answered B then you need to seek help immediately.

Pro-Palestine March Turns Back Around to Protest Latest War Crime IDF Committed Since Demonstration Began

Posted on by Matt Husser

PORTLAND, Ore. — A pro-Palestine march has reportedly changed courses today after it turned back around to begin a new protest condemning the latest IDF war crime committed since the demonstration began, sources confirmed.

“We came out an hour ago to protest a refugee camp bombing and we’ve already had to turn back around to begin a new protest when the IDF shot up a field hospital,” said pro-Palestine demonstrator Casey Heinz, crossing off “no bombing schools” and writing “stop shooting doctors.” “And these are just the ones making international news, we can’t even keep up with all the videos IDF soldiers are posting that start with ‘hey, check out this sweet war crime.’ Alright folks, we’re turning around again—the IDF just bombed two more schools.”

The unpredictable nature of the marching route has reportedly caused confusion among the local police force tasked with violently regulating the peaceful demonstration.

“Me and the boys came out here to bust some heads, but we can’t seem to pin these slippery bastards down! Every time we get a blockade set up they turn around and head a different direction with some new protest,” said Officer Bart Tillman, chugging a Gatorade. “We thought we had them for a minute, but we got all confused and accidentally kicked the shit out of a 5k fun run. Thankfully it was only a fundraiser to benefit the ACLU so we didn’t feel bad, but still.”

Meanwhile the Israeli Defense Forces condemned the prolonged march and unorthodox route the protestors were taking.

“It is simply unacceptable that the US government has allowed this terrorist group to spread their propaganda through this threatening walking display. Not to mention that our intelligence has indicated that they are likely spelling out something sinister with their GPS route to send secret messages to our enemies,” said Herzi Halevi, Chief of the General Staff for the Israeli Defense Forces. “See that line there? Clearly the beginning of an H for Hamas. God only knows the damage they will be able to inflict by the time they get to the S.”

At press time, a protester who had been marching back and forth since the Rafah Tent Massacre reported that his fitbit finally exploded.

I Ate a Handful of That Potpourri We All Want To Try in Our Aunt’s Living Room and Here’s What Happened

Posted on by Violet Meeker

You can’t tell me you haven’t wanted to grab a handful, shake it around in your palm, and toss it in your mouth like a Dad eating sunflower seeds. Let’s just get that out of the way. The crunch potential alone is titillating. The textures? Endless. A bowl of orange peels, cinnamon sticks, and tendrils that look like special edition veggie straws just sitting there looking like a snack. And I mean that in every sense of the word. To be honest, aunts usually cannot be found eating, and sometimes I’ve thought that maybe this stinky centerpiece is the fuel they guzzle down in the dead of night.

It lives in the suburbs, so when I am confronted with its powerful energy I’ve usually been running on diet pepsi and ambrosia salad for the last few days. I’m between a rock and a hard place when I turn the corner and this bowl of delights stares back at me. Everyone leaves the room to play an uncomfortable round of Apples to Apples and my hand is magnetized to the bowl with the dried ones, shriveled and tan and perfect. I stare down the dry soup as my mouth waters and the dog in the corner starts to shake with the mere buzzing I’ve created in the room from my desire. The fact that I’ve waited this long is a testament to my personal strength.

Finally, I tossed it back. I sucked on the tiny sticks, and popped open the dry seedlings. Impeccable. Just as we all imagined. An experience that took Guy Fieri’s “mouth feel” to a whole new level. My only report is that you should follow your gut, lean into the intrusive thoughts, let the fumes take you away. It was like scooping brush off the ground of a Lord of The Rings set. It took me places. When I was a child I used to think I could see The Never Ending Story dragon, and the most sane thing I can say about this experience is that I spent an afternoon with him again. My energy was collected and cleansed in an indescribable light. I felt new, like a baby. I stirred on the couch hours later, blinking the beige tones into focus, feeling the plastic covering crunch beneath me on the couch. I had to speak to my Aunt. She nodded knowingly as I told her, with a smile so slight that my suspicions confirmed themselves. And guess what? Michaels. Two bags for $15.99 and they last MONTHS.

The Decemberists Finally Locate Time Portal That Will Return Them to the 1830s

Posted on by Charles Bill

PORTLAND, Ore. — American indie band The Decemberists announced that they finally located a time portal that will allow them to return to the 1830s, confirmed sources who gave a “that explains everything” look.

“When we first pissed off that wizard who sent us to 2000, I thought we’d never make it back,” explained lead singer Colin Meloy. “But lo and behold, we found a portal to our home time in a Walmart in Gary, Indiana. Myself and the lads can’t wait to hop through and get back to our lives chopping timber, trapping beavers, and swabbing three-decker ships. Hopefully President Jackson believes our bogey tale and will reward us with a tidy stipend for our survival in this accursed era. I’ll even bring back a flashlight to impress my drinking fellows at the local tavern. What a machine!”

Although the band’s imminent departure might be concerning to fans, special preparations were made to allow them to release new music.

“I’m sending our sound engineer Dave back with them,” said Decemberists’ manager Milo Oakland. “The majority of the music they released were just contemporarily popular shanties, ballads, bawdy tales, limericks, and riddles that didn’t make it to the 21st century. They then recorded it and we had some success. I struck a bargain with them that they’d keep recording these songs and bury them in a lead vault under the future site of the Empire State Building, and I’ll go down and dig them up and release them. In exchange I downloaded a list of bare-knuckle boxing champs of the 1800s for them to gamble on and get rich. If they knew how to use a computer I’d really be out of a job.”

Not everyone is so happy about the indie-rock group’s trip back to the antebellum era.

“What am I supposed to listen to while tending my lighthouse?” asked superfan Donald Potter while oiling his mustache and adjusting his suspenders. “I am out there every single day getting battered by waves and saving mariners from crashing into the rocky coast of Maine, and I’m supposed to do that listening to Foster the People like a jackass? This is most unwelcome news and I’ll be telling that to my antique globe collecting club.”

At press time, the band had reconsidered their return when they learned about the Civil War that was to occur a few decades later.

Conservative Who Has Been Complaining About Grocery Prices Says Harris’ Price-Gouging Ban is Communism

Posted on by Tim Sheard

WHEELING, W. Va. — Local conservative Jerry Wardmore repeatedly stated that Vice President Kamala Harris’ proposed ban on grocery price-gouging is “downright communist” despite complaining about the price of groceries on a daily basis for the last three years.

“She’s really showing what a dirty ‘socialist’ she is, meaning she supports full-on hippie communism,” Wardmore said while readjusting his ankle monitor. “I can’t believe half the country wants this woman to stop corporations from artificially inflating the prices of groceries. This is America–a company should be able to mark up the price of basic necessities by 700% if they damn well want to. And of course, no word from her about the fact that Crooked Joe Biden has been making us real Patriots pay three times what we used to at Giant Eagle. He sets the prices personally in red states as a form of discrimination against Christians.”

Wardmore’s Gen-Z niece, Eileen Wardmore, weighed in on her uncle’s obvious lack of awareness regarding the irony of these statements in tandem.

“I swear to god, Uncle Jerry literally would not understand that every part of what he just said is incorrect if I had Donald Trump personally explain it to him,” said an exasperated Ms. Wardmore. “I keep saying ‘Uncle Jerry, first of all, the President doesn’t set grocery prices, the companies do, and they’re literally just charging more for no reason to make their CEOs more money,’ and he just refuses to hear me. I wound up yelling ‘she’s proposing exactly what you are asking for’ and ‘you don’t know what communism is,’ and storming out of the house. I told my mom that if I have to see him again, I’ll be a medical risk for a coronary at age 23.”

Sam Seder, host of the progressive talk political talk show The Majority Report, weighed in on the phenomenon.

“I see this kind of thing all the time,” Seder said, his hair visibly graying by the second. “People who have been brainwashed by the right complain about an issue that genuinely affects most of America, but the second someone on the left suggests a viable solution, they’re labeled as Commies or whatever. You could literally plug Harris’ policy proposal into one of those voice AI things and have Trump ‘say’ it, and his followers would ask why the Liberal Elites and the Biden Administration haven’t thought of this. We live in hell.”

As of press time, Wardmore was on Facebook posting an AI-generated image of Kamala Harris’ face overlaid on a flag of Mao Zedong.

What Do Vets Do With All Of The Dog Testicles? Op-Ed By J.D. Vance

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

You know, folks, there’s a question that keeps me up at night, and I think it’s time we all start asking it out loud. What exactly do veterinarians do with all those dog testicles they’re so eager to remove? I’m talking about MILLIONS of canine gonads that get snipped off every year in this great country.

They call it “responsible pet ownership,” but I call it a convenient excuse to collect more and more dog testicles. And these corrupt far-left communist veterinarians don’t ever let us keep the testicles. Trust me, I’ve asked. Why can’t I, as a dog’s rightful owner, keep what’s mine? The answer, my friends, is more sinister than you might think.

Let’s do the math, shall we? There are an estimated 65.1 million households in the United States that own at least one dog. Assuming about half of those dogs are male, and considering that 85% of all dogs are neutered, this means there are just over 52 million neutered male dogs in the country. Since each dog has two testicles, we’re talking about 104 million dog testicles that have just vanished without a trace. It’s a staggering number, yet no one seems to care. Well, I do, and I think you should too.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: “But JD, don’t they just throw them away? Surely there’s nothing more to it.” Well, if that’s true, how come we don’t see them piling up at the dump? Where are the mountains of dog testicles that should be littering our landfills? I’ve checked, and they’re not there. I’ve staked out several vet clinics, waiting for medical waste pickup to haul away the testicles, but oddly the Kamala Harris run police force shows up and shoo me away!

There’s something deeply unsettling about the fact that billions of dog testicles are missing. And yet, the mainstream media is suspiciously silent on this issue.

Consider this: when was the last time you saw a vet’s finances? Exactly. These veterinarians are raking in cash, yet they expect us to believe they’re just in it to “help” our pets. Sounds fishy, doesn’t it? Meanwhile, they’re robbing us of our dogs’ testicles, turning around and selling them to the Russians to make hand grenades and premium vodka. It’s high time we demand some answers. As your Vice President, I will get those answers. We need to know what’s really going on behind those clinic doors.

So, I’m calling on all American patriots: don’t just hand over your dog’s testicles without a fight. Ask questions, demand answers, and remember, if it sounds too crazy to be true, that’s probably because they don’t want you to know it’s true. We’re being left in the dark, and it’s time to shine a light on this scandalous mystery.

Wake up, America!