Colynemery, Author at HARDTIMES

We Finally Know What the New Sony Console Will Be Called

Posted on September 15, 2020 by Mark Roebuck

TOKYO — Years of speculation by fans and industry insiders alike were put to rest today as Sony finally revealed the name of their new next-generation gaming console during a showcase earlier today.

Rumors have been circulating since shortly after the release of the PlayStation 4 concerning how Sony would follow up the hugely popular system, with many obvious choices such as Super PlayStation 4, PlayStation 4-2, and The Sony GameMan all being heavily touted as likely candidates. However, all of those were put to bed with today’s unexpected bombshell announcement: the console will be called the Play Station Five.

“We considered a variety of names,” said Carly Todd, a representative from Sony. “PS Extreme, The Sony Bobcat, and the PSPXL were all heavily considered at different points. Ultimately, we decided to pay tribute to the speed and performance of this new console by making its name an homage to the Mach Five, Speed Racer’s infamous car, known for winning races and having a lot of tricks up its sleeve.”

The announcement sent immediate shockwaves through the gaming community

“How in the fuck am I supposed to remember that?” said Darius Rhodes, a livid gamer who insisted we describe him as such. “Why the hell would they name it after some dumbass cartoon that is fifty years old? Man, they could really take a page from Microsoft and clearly label which model and uh, series, their systems are. Maybe they’ll learn from their huge mistake the next time around.”

At this point, no other details about the Play Station Five have been announced.

Like this article? Check out our podcast! The Hard Drive Podcast is available on all podcast apps.

Nintendo Sends DMCA Takedown to Nintendo for Emulating Mario Games

Posted on September 15, 2020 by Giovanni Colantonio

KYOTO, Japan — Nintendo has issued a DMCA takedown to Nintendo, threatening to press legal action if the studio doesn’t remove its fan emulation project, Super Mario 3D All-Stars, from store shelves immediately.

“While we respect Nintendo’s dedication to our games, it is imperative that Nintendo protects its IPs,” says Nintendo’s takedown notice. “We hereby demand that Nintendo cease the illicit production of Super Mario 3D All-Stars, which features unsanctioned emulations of Super Mario 64, Super Mario Sunshine and Super Mario Galaxy. We feel that such shoddy reproductions only serve to hurt our property’s goodwill.”

While the defendants admit that the slightly upscaled games aren’t the highest quality fan project, Nintendo believes that the collection is a necessary preservation measure as Nintendo continues to hold its copyrighted material hostage.

“We’re supposed to be celebrating 35 years of Mario and yet we’re not allowed to show our appreciation?” vented Nintendo of America president Doug Bowser. “If Nintendo cares so much about Mario, they should put some effort into actually remaking these classic games so we don’t have to. Someone tell them to get on that, stat!”

The takedown is the latest in a long line of cease and desists issued by Nintendo. Previous projects affected by legal action include Metroid 2 remake AM2R, an fan-made HD remaster of Super Mario 64, and Virtual Console, a popular emulator that featured ROMs of several NES and SNES games.

“Please, we ask that our fans trust us and not take matters into their own hands,” said Nintendo president Shuntaro Furukawa. “If you want to play our classics like Super Mario Sunshine, you can do so when we release the GameCube Classic in 2022. We plan on producing nearly 200 units, so just be patient.”

Despite the protests, Nintendo says it will comply with the takedown and remove the game from digital marketplaces in March. Nintendo promises to work with Nintendo to resell exact copies of the emulated games separately afterwards.

Like this article? Check out our podcast! The Hard Drive Podcast is available on all podcast apps.

Friendzoned? This Beta Cuck Has Platonic Relationships That Will Last a Lifetime

Posted on September 15, 2020 by John Danek

By its very definition, not everyone can be an alpha male. While I choose to surround myself exclusively with fellow alphas, I realize that there are billions of betas out there who need help. I may not be able to turn you all into real men like me, but I can definitely help get you out of the friendzone. Follow my method for a surefire way out of the friendzone. You may not end up getting laid, but you definitely won’t be friends anymore.

I’m gonna tell you a story. So me and my #AlphaGang were violating quarantine the other day, pumping iron at Muscle Beach, when I noticed a man and a woman walking together. The odd thing was he didn’t have his hand on her ass the whole time. So I finished my set (deadlift; 400 pounds; one half rep with no form before grunting and dropping it recklessly) and strutted over to assess the sitch and help out a beta in need.

So I ask him, “Bro! Sup?” “Umm, eating ice cream with my friend,” he said, cuckilly. “Cool. Cool. Where’s this dog-brain’s leash,” I wittily retorted. “What the fuck did you just say?” he said while getting in my face like the beta he clearly was. The girl he was with, clearly using him, touched his arm and said, “he’s not worth it,” and they walked away. Wow. Classic female breadcrumbing. This poor guy was so deep in the friendzone he actually stood up for a friend who doesn’t even eat his ass. So brainwashed.

Normally, I can give the Red Pill anyone, like Morphius. If they don’t want it, I also have another pill I give that makes people fall asleep and not remember. Also like Morphius.

Did I do something wrong? No, my approach was perfect. …oh my God! I’m so ignorant. He was probably gay. Which is totally cool. Do your thing, I’m just sayin’ keep it away from Muscle Beach.

Maybe he was married and just pretending he and that girl weren’t hooking up. That makes way more sense to me. Shit, maybe he’s a monk. I should have asked if he committed to a life of abstinence, like me.

Report: Five Beers and a Bunch of Chips for Dinner, Again?

Posted on September 15, 2020 by Griffin Constant

PHILADELPHIA — Local man Ollie Harris forced down another five beers and a bunch of chips moments ago in an attempt to finally eat something of substance after going the entire day without eating, according to concerned sources.

“After looking around the kitchen, I decided it was just better for me to stick with the ol’ standby again — I mean, it was probably enough calories or whatever,” said a still-hungry Harris while smoking a cigarette in a bathrobe. “I think it’s fine. The grocery store lines are absurd, and there are mountains of trash outside since the city’s sanitation department all got COVID, so why even bother.”

Witnesses confirm that while Harris might have valid reasons for avoiding grocery stores, there is a wealth of real food in the house he could consume.

“We have some food — it just takes like, half an hour to cook, and he just doesn’t want to put that kind of effort into anything,” Harris’s roommate Shelly Vorback noted. “I offered to cook something for both of us, but he just looked at me funny and said it wasn’t his turn to do dishes. I’m not sure how long adult humans are capable of surviving on just snacks… and I hope I’m not the one who finds out.”

Harris’s healthcare professional was unsurprised.

“He’s given up,” said clinical psychiatrist, Dr. Elizabeth Moore. “He’s been struggling since the start of the pandemic. This behavior basically correlates with the changing times — like the day Trump tweeted ‘LAW AND ORDER’ 12 times. He hasn’t shown up to any of our appointments since unmarked federal agents began to arrest protestors, so I could only imagine how much further he has spiraled with everything going on now.”

At press time, Harris was seen making a castle out of empty beer cans while wearing a gas mask.

Photo by Rick Homuth.

We Sat Down With a Reunited Fugazi and They Were Pretty Pissed This Wasn’t Actually a Make-A-Wish

Posted on September 15, 2020 by John Danek

Few musical fanbases foam at the mouth for a reunion more than Fugazi’s. The post-hardcore trailblazer’s influence can still be found in new bands today. But no matter how many groups try to imitate the complex songwriting, postmodern lyrics, and controlled chaos, no one will ever quite be like Ian, Guy, Brendan, and Joe.

That’s why we were so stoked that the members of Fugazi are finally back together and agreed to let us interview them! Our only regret was that they found out this wasn’t actually set up by the Make-A-Wish Foundation.

The Hard Times: Fugazi! Back together under the same roof. Have you all been in touch since going on hiatus, or is this kinda weird and awkward?

Fugazi: Oh, we actually didn’t know there were going to be reporters here. We came to spend some time with little Skyler, here.

Of course there’s a journalist here you silly gooses! A monumental occasion like this must be documented.

Yeah, I guess that’s true. He looks like he’s fighting really hard.

Huh? Yeah, sure. He’s cool. Actually, his mom said he has to be back by 4 so we should probably start this interview. I’m gonna have to wash the powder off his face so he doesn’t look this pale when she sees him.

Wait, Skyler doesn’t have terminal cancer?

Ha! Nah, man. The only disease Skyler has is the acting bug, don’t ya little guy. But since you’re all here, why don’t you-

This is some evil shit. How did you even get this hospital room?

That reminds us, if you could keep it down so staff doesn’t notice we’re in here, that’d be great. Anyways, your last record “The Argument” saw continued growth-

Shut the fuck up. The fact that you would bait us with pediatric cancer is sickening. You should be ashamed of yourself.

We can accept that. In fact, we should all take accountability for this situation. Like, maybe it was a little egocentric for you to think that a dying 7-year-old would have a musical palate for angular guitar lines and abstract lyrics like Fugazi’s. We’re the real fan!

This is so messed up. We’re leaving. Don’t follow us. But it is nice to see each other again.

You’re welcome, Fugazi fans.

Vegan Protester Hit with Pepper Spray Declines Milk

Posted on September 15, 2020 by Kevin Tit

PHILADELPHIA — Local vegan Courtney Demming was pepper-sprayed by Philadelphia police during a peaceful protest yesterday, but declined the offer of a “milk wash” to curb the spray’s effects, multiple on-site medics confirm.

“These pigs in blue are the only animals I won’t defend,” said Demming while trying to use her T-shirt to blot her eyes. “I’m not a fucking baby cow — I don’t need milk to ‘strengthen my bones’ or ‘help wash away a blinding irritant.’ That’s just Big Dairy propaganda. No, thanks.”

“Besides, the amount of pus in one gallon of milk is far worse than the pain from the pepper spray,” she added through tears. “It’s unacceptable that there aren’t any non-dairy options for those of us who refuse to participate in animal cruelty. Oat milk works just as well, probably.”

Mutual aid workers insisted they were only trying to help.

“I don’t know, man. I just kind of reacted,” said volunteer medic Erik Oseto. “We weren’t trying to insult her, or devalue her belief system — we just saw those cops empty an entire can of pepper spray directly in her face while she was sitting cross legged on the ground, and wanted to help relieve her pain. But the second we opened the bottle of milk, it was like she forgot about her eyes — she really laid into us about the level of cruelty that went into producing the milk itself. She even had some pamphlets in her backpack. She came prepared.”

While this wave of civil unrest and police violence in America has disrupted many lives, there are some who see this as a positive.

“I love the ongoing protests. We’ve never been more profitable,” said Dairy Farmers of America CEO Richard Smith. “With all these vegan alternatives gaining popularity, the dairy industry was seeing a huge decrease in sales… that was, until these cops started going ham. It’s really saved our asses. We’ve even started supplying some precincts with more pepper spray to increase demand for more milk. We’re doing what we gotta do to stay afloat just like everyone else.”

Demming is now developing her own “Jackass”-style YouTube show, testing different milk alternatives as remedies for the pain.

Coward Hour Coil Exclusive: We Respect Paul Schrader

Posted on September 15, 2020 by Coward Hour

Coward Hour is the least-informed podcast in America. Each week, leading cowards/disgraced comedians Brendan Krick & Nik Oldershaw spiral on mic, commit gaffes, and descend into conspiracy-laden mental illness. Trust your gut, and prepare for The Event.

New to the show? Listen to our “Best Of” episode.

On this week’s bonus episode we revere Paul Schrader, a sexually horny man from show business.

Vengeful God Moves On to Next Thing Tumblr Holds Dear

Posted on September 14, 2020 by Andy Holt

HIGHER REALM — Overcome with wrath and scorn, the ruler of the universe has reportedly taken the next step toward utterly destroying everything Tumblr loves.

“Those mortals thought banning porn would be the worst of it. But no,” said the all-powerful deity, unfurling a list of every last thing the website holds dear. “I’m just getting started.”

Most recently, God ruined the Tumblr Potterhead community by giving J.K. Rowling a creeping, myopic obsession with making life harder for trans people.

”A lot of the fanfic on there was actually pretty good — I once read a gender fluid comic about Cedric that blew me away. But when it comes to Tumblr, I have no mercy,” said God, crossing Harry Potter off the list. “If I’m going to smite a place, I do it all the way.”

Other entries on the list included bad puns, blurry screenshots of tweets, and Courier New, a typewriter-style web font used to post funny transcripts on Tumblr.

“I haven’t decided how I’m going to take care of the Courier thing. Maybe it’ll be something about the guy who invented it, maybe he’ll defend age gaps or something,” said the ultimate embodiment of truth and power, far beyond any human definition. “Or maybe I’ll just make it the official font of the Proud Boys. Speaking of which, fuck those guys.”

When pressed about why Twitter and Facebook weren’t destroyed first, the Lord revealed that both sites were laid to ruin years ago, with their hideous remains left as a warning to others.

Like this article? Check out our podcast! The Hard Drive Podcast is available on all podcast apps.

New JK Rowling Novel Written Entirely in 4chan Greentext

Posted on September 14, 2020 by James Webster

LONDON — Best-selling author JK Rowling announced today that her new novel Troubled Blood will be published anonymously, written entirely in a greentext story on 4chan.

“It’s exciting to be publishing anonymously. I’ve used pen names before, but this is different,” Rowling said in a tweet. “And this community here at 4chan is really cool! So many people on this site agree with me on so much. I had no idea there were so many feminists on 4chan!”

“The cancel-culture Twitter mob only reinforce their own opinions,” Rowling clarified to a confused fan. “You have to get outside perspective, like from private Facebook groups or websites where anyone can say anything without consequence. Besides, saying that ‘women don’t belong on 4chan’ is anti-feminist. Women should be allowed to go where they want unless I’ve decided otherwise.”

Rowling has faced some skepticism for her gender-critical viewpoints, calling into question what a self-proclaimed feminist might be doing on a website like 4chan.

“Jesus Christ, what will Joanne get up to next?” said ex-fan Linsday. “Harry Potter was mostly recycled stuff from The Chronicles of Narnia and Lord of the Rings. The Robert Gilbraith stuff is generic thriller schlock. She’s not even original in her shit opinions, she just says the same transphobic nonsense everyone else does. It makes complete sense that she’s a generic 4chan shithead now. Hey, maybe if I just copy and paste my old tweets dunking on her, she’ll think I’m being original and imaginative.”

At press time, Rowling suddenly announced that many of the goblins in the Harry Potter universe were actually not goblins at all, but a rare species of frog called Pepes.

Like this article? Check out our podcast! The Hard Drive Podcast is available on all podcast apps.

Experimental Book Features Unreliable Author

Posted on September 14, 2020 by Owen Crowlie

LONDON — Transgressive writer J.K Rowling has astonished audiences with her new book Troubled Blood, featuring herself as the story’s unreliable author.

“It’s a fascinating work,” said literary analyst Rey Holden. “We’ve seen works where the author intentionally crafts an insidious character who deceives to the audience — for Rowling to take on the role of the delusional liar is entirely new.”

Troubled Blood features a cis-man dressing up as a woman as a means to perform gruesome murders, a premise told from the perspective of a paranoid and out of touch woman who thinks marginalized groups are out to kill her.

Many critics have come out to say the work is transphobic and unrealistic, to which Rowling has responded by saying that she prefers the term “trans-speculative”.

“This is what makes Rowling such a compelling character,” said Holden. “Instead of making criticisms about trans people based on anything in reality, she just writes an entirely fictional story about what she thinks could happen in order to justify her transphobia and double down. It’s a whole new type of fiction.”

To lay the groundwork for this narrative, Rowling spent over a year spreading misinformation about transgender people on social media for free, before attempting to sell it as a hardcover novel.

“All the retcons make sense now, honestly,” said a Harry Potter fan who wished to remain anonymous. “That’s just Rowling’s unique style — that is, blatantly lying to her fanbase.”

To capitalize on Troubled Blood trending, Rowling announced on Twitter it’s sequel: What Muslims Do When You Aren’t Looking.

Like this article? Check out our podcast! The Hard Drive Podcast is available on all podcast apps.

Stay Updated on The Latest Punk News