Welp, it looks like your wife’s new boyfriend is here to stay. And obviously, as long as Greg’s going to be hanging around your house, eating your Frosted Flakes, and pleasuring your wife, you’re going to want to get on his good side. Here are 10 surefire ways to impress him:
Show Him Your Sweet Karate Moves
You spent the summer learning those moves to protect your Funko collection from burglars, but now you and your wife have got a big strong protector in Greg. A good way to impress this alpha is to show him the leg sweep you taught yourself from YouTube. Be careful you don’t knock over a lamp again and Greg will be putty in your hands and might show you how to lift weights if you ask nicely.
Laugh at His Jokes 
Is Greg funny? Sort of. Are you the punchline of most of his jokes? Undoubtedly. Are you going to laugh your ass off every time he tries to be humorous? You bet your sweet bippy you are. After all, the way to a man’s heart is through his funny bone, and what better way to impress your wife’s boyfriend than showing you can laugh at yourself when Greg and his bros are making fun of your life while playing poker in your garage and you’re serving them drinks?
Bad Mouth Her Previous Boyfriend 
Even though you believed you had gotten close to Andre, your wife’s ex-boyfriend, after they split up he stopped returning your calls. This makes it easier to talk shit about him to Greg every chance you get. Try to forget that Andre bought you a Nintendo switch and gave you noise-canceling headphones for when he was plowing your wife. Instead, point out that he wasn’t as tall as Greg and didn’t satisfy your wife sexually the way Greg does.
Beat the Water Temple in Ocarina of Time for Him 
I know this is a big ask but Greg got stuck on this level and can’t continue the game. This is it, baby, your big chance to make a good impression. Grab the controller, put on your iron boots, and beat the hardest video game level of all time. This level has broken controllers, minds, hearts, and spirits. But you’re going to beat it, hand Greg the controller and say “Enjoy the water medallion, buddy,” and he’ll say, “Thanks Mark,” even though that’s not your name and you’ve told him your name multiple times.
Show Off Obscure Facts You Found Online 
Did you know the last guillotine execution in France occurred the same year “Star Wars” was released? Well, maybe Greg doesn’t either. Spend some time online compiling interesting facts about the world and drop them into conversation when you can. Try to think of yourself as the little bespectacled kid in Jerry Maguire who charms his mother’s boyfriend with facts and quirk only in your case it’s your wife’s boyfriend and you’re the little weirdo that sleeps at the foot of their bed.
Eat an Entire Rotisserie Chicken
Nothing says I’m also an alpha male than taking an entire rotisserie chicken down in one sitting. Imagine it: While your wife and her boyfriend enjoy a candle-lit dinner, you’re hovering over the sink just going hell for leather on that roast chicken. Leave a bone or two so he knows what’s what before he carries your wife to your bed as you clean up their plates and blow out the candles.
Send Him Dank Memes
The danker the better. Nothing is more impressive than a man in his early thirties with a folder on his desktop labeled Dank Memes full of the hottest meme action stolen from Reddit and Twitter. If he laughs at the one where Rick Sanchez is the Joker then he’s a keeper for your wife.
Get a Tattoo Dedicated to Him
You thought Andre was the one, and to get his attention/approval, you got a full back tattoo of his face. Alas, Andre wasn’t meant to be. But you’ve got a good feeling about Greg. So good you got intense, painful laser treatment on your back and once it heals and the swelling goes down it’s a blank canvas for a tattoo of the Mona Lisa with Greg’s face. Classy but personal.
Buy Him a Twitter Blue Check
The status symbol of the 21st century, a blue twitter check mark will show that your wife’s boyfriend has a Twitter account worth reading. Yes, he only retweets Babylon Bee articles and writes under Elon Musk tweets with comments like “Good one, sir” and “DM me for a great Tesla idea” but with a blue tick by his name people will know he’s bona fide and that you, as his girlfriend’s husband, are pretty alright too.
Raise his Child as Your Own 
It was apparent pretty quickly that the son you and your wife welcomed into the world was not your biological offspring, which is great considering your family’s history of heart trouble and an ailment doctors call rubbery spine. You’ve decided the only right thing to do is to raise the child as your own against the protests of your father, mother, society, Facebook friends, and the results of a post on Reddit. Greg Jr. is, on paper, your child and that’s just the way it’s going to be.
As the foremost source of punk rock journalism, rules are almost sacred to The Hard Times. Which is why we are unable to include posthumous compilation “Etc.” and live recording “Live 4/30/96” in our definitive ranking. Look, we know it blows. I mean, you’re telling us that “Kiss the Bottle” never made it onto an album? And are these really the best recordings we have of “Gemini” and “For Esme” – they sound like the band was playing a set in an abandoned tractor factory. Well, whatever, they’re both good albums. But since they aren’t studio releases we guess they can both fuck off. Sorry, Jawbreaker. Maybe this will finally get you off your fat asses and back into the studio again.
One of them had to be at the bottom of the list so it might as well be “Unfun.” Most fairweather Jawbreaker fans will probably just listen to album lead-off track “Want” and be done with it. Admittedly, there is a sameness to a lot of the songs and the band hadn’t really developed completely into the dark, melodic intricacies that Jawbreaker would eventually become known for. I dunno, maybe Schwarzenbach just hadn’t started mainlining Kerouac by this point. But still, “Unfun” remains the cornerstone of what 90’s pop-punk would become.
True story: “Chesterfield King” was the first Jawbreaker song I ever heard. I thought it was so darkly romantic. I remember being drunk at a party when I was eighteen and singing it to this girl that I had a huge crush on and then later that night I lost my virginity to her. Unfortunately though I was a shithead and a relationship never progressed and I fucked things up and now I’m left with a bittersweet memory of what could have been.
I strongly considered placing this album at number one, and not just because I thought it would give me a lot of hate comments on Twitter to have to deal with. But because this is one of the most complete works of art to encase heartbreak and depression that has ever existed. Doesn’t matter how much psilocybin and cocaine I’ve been on while I was listening to it, “Dear You” is a total effort to reach the core of human sorrow. And it does. REBECCA!!!
If this isn’t your perfect record then congratulations, you have done everything right in your life. You have no health problems, your partner loves you, you don’t question your friendships – you’re killing it. For the rest of us this is Jawbreaker apex. “Boxcar” is the immediate classic, even if it does sound like it was written by an anemic eighth grader, but this whole album basically punches you in the face and kind of just leaves its fist there – and lets you feel like you kind of deserve it. It’s fair to say that if you don’t love this record then you are an actual sociopath and should probably seek therapy.
