Every Butthole Surfers Album Ranked

Posted on by Rob Steinberg

The Butthole Surfers started off by performing shows that involved naked people with sideways mohawks, two identical androgynous drummers, barely controlled fires, disturbing film reel projections, and various other acts while Gibby Haynes shouted through a megaphone about Elvis’s toenails to chopped up classic rock. It’s the typical act that is witnessed only by Butthole Surfer fans or people who were tortured under MK Ultra experiments. How the hell you channel all that into sellable records is no easy task. The end result is something that is probably not enjoyable for people who have things like “families” or “stable careers.” Since we are unemployable and our family disowned us years ago we decided to rank every Butthole Surfers albums, so dig in.

8. Weird Revolution (2001)

Bands rarely get to leave on a high note and Weird Revolution is sadly another example. There are some good tracks but overall it feels way too easy for radio play. The biggest song on here, “The Shame of Life,” (written in collaboration with uh… Kid Rock) belongs in a sleazy nightclub run by a guy who brags about his investments in Crypto. “Dracula From Houston” meanwhile feels like it was written by Smash Mouth. At the same time however, this is a band where nothing feels too drastic a choice.

Play it again: “Last Astronaut”
Skip it: “Dracula From Houston”

7. Piouhgd (1991)

This is the first album to contain only one drummer which sadly brings them too close to becoming a normal band. Still, if any other band had produced this album, people would have that band either honored or given medication. “Revolution Part 2” ends with a hypnotic chant of the name Garry Shandling. It can only be assumed that Garry struck a deal with the Surfers to seep his name into the subconscious of America in order to get “The Larry Sanders Show” picked up.

Play it again: “Revolution Part 1 + 2”
Skip it: “Lonesome Bulldog”

6. Electriclarryland (1996)

If Gibby Haynes has a sister-in-law, it would be fascinating to hear her thoughts on the track “My Brother’s Wife.’ Their biggest single, “Pepper,” shows that the Anus Skaters know how to write a good normal song if they want to. A much easier to digest record than previous ones which is good or bad depending on who’s listening. Despite being their most commercial record at the moment, it doesn’t stop them from including four minutes of French people talking about cars.

Play it again: “The Lord Is a Monkey”
Skip it: “TV Star”

5. Independent Worm Saloon (1993)

This one’s still got plenty of Butthole Surfers energy but the songs have less genre jumping and tape sampling. “Tongue” has the classic distorted Hippie vibe of previous albums. Lots of good sludge metal vibes throughout. Worst thing about the album is that there’s seventeen songs so after a while it’s harder for some tracks to stand out. The album is produced by Led Zeppelin’s John Paul Jones, possibly because he wanted to prevent any more titles like “Hairway To Steven.”

Play it again: “Wooden Song”
Skip it: “Leave Me Alone”

4. Psychic… Powerless… Another Man’s Sac (1984)

Their first official album starts the record with enough psychotic noises for turning off anyone who might be expecting another “Pepper” track. “Another Man’s Sac” jumps from noise to psychedelic to punk to country so fast that you are either on board or you’re not. “Lady Sniff” uses sound effects in a musical manner that can only be compared to Weird Al’s “Smells Like Nirvana.” Only 35 minutes long so never has a moment to get stale.

Play it again: “Dum Dum”
Skip it: “Eye Of The Chicken” ain’t bad but might scare away some people.

3. Rembrandt Pussyhorse (1986)

Nearly every track on “Rembrandt Pussyhorse” creeps in the mind like a haunting entity luring you to die of dehydration in the middle of the desert. The band treats the song “American Woman” like their fellow Texan alumni Leatherface by cutting it up and wearing its skin poorly over their own. The album comes attached with the EP “Cream Corn From The Socket of Davis” which includes the must-hear track “To Parter.”

Play it again: “Hall of Whirling Knives”
Skip it: Skip to your local desert to get lost and have the haunting entity dehydrate you with mirages.

2. Hairway to Steven (1988)

The second “Jimi” starts playing with headphones, it allows the dual drums to play tug of war with your eardrums like two dogs fighting over a steak. Some great occasional rockabilly vibes in Paul Leary’s psychedelic guitars and Gibby’s rambling nonsense works perfectly. Very few bands can make a song called “I Saw An X-ray Of A Girl Passing Gas” sound so beautiful. The best way to listen to this is while having a staring contest with the album cover.

Play it again: “Jimi”
Skip it: none

 

1. Locust Abortion Technician (1987)

Many burnouts in a Dunkin Donuts parking lot will claim this is the peak of Butthole Surfers. It’s hard to argue against this when the album kicks off with a maniacal regurgitated cover of Black Sabbath’s “Sweet Leaf” known as “Sweat Loaf.” Daniel Johnston had such a reaction to that song he regurgitated the regurgitated version with “Sweat Loafed.” The album is riddled with heavy doom and speed perfect for blasting while your enemies are experiencing a panic attack.

Play it again: “Human Cannonball”
Skip it: if you haven’t heard “Sweat Loaf,” skip it and instead listen to only the Sabbath version and the Daniel Johnston version then use your imagination to figure out what the Buttholes possibly created in between those two.

6 Times Snapping Into a Slim Jim Had Dire Consequences for My Career

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

We all love Slim Jims, the intensely salted tubular meat snack promoted by the dearly departed Macho Man Randy Savage and very much not by our cardiologist. I, for one, know that I love Slim Jims a little bit too much, considering how much I have compromised my once-thriving career as an executive for Anderson Bevel Smith, the third-largest advertising firm in Idaho, for even just a bite of those savory, delicious, incredibly addictive pieces of mechanically-separated chicken and miscellaneous beef.

1. The first terrifying, career-destroying incident happened one previously ordinary afternoon. My healthy lunch of a chef salad with low-calorie French dressing on the side had not sustained the necessary energy for a hard day of pitching risky ad concepts to my boss, ABS Vice President Oliver Bevel. Thinking quickly, I pulled a Slim Jim out of my emergency snack drawer and snapped into it. Before I know it, a grotesque figure reminiscent of a giant Slim Jim slammed open the door of my office, slapped me twice, hard, threw the papers off my desk, and screamed “EAT ME” before leaving as quickly as he had come.

Unfortunately, he apparently also slapped ABS Vice President Oliver Bevel on the way out, which was blamed on me.

2. The next time, I had a big presentation for Grover Bits, Sesame Street’s latest hit branded breakfast, and I was nailing it. I could see it in the eyes of those fat cats from the Children’s Television Workshop, I had them. To punctuate my closing line of “those kids won’t know what Grovered them,” I pulled out a Slim Jim and snapped into it. Immediately, that grotesque figure smashed through the boardroom window, raining glass everywhere across the clients, many of whom suffered minor injuries, and landed on the table. After he kicked the President of the Children’s Television Workshop in the balls, he rappelled out the window, screaming “EAT ME.”

3. After my inevitable demotion, I was understandably depressed and indulged in a number of vices. Eventually, my near-constant huffing of model airplane glue drove my wife and children to leave me; when I was informed that Jake’s Hobby Depot would no longer be seeling me glue, the fumes finally cleared and I knew I had to get them back. But before I could do that, I indulged in a little Slim Jim snap, and wouldn’t you know it, that motherfucker popped out of a garbage can behind Jake’s Hobby Depot and stabbed me with a Bic pen.

4. This one was a dream, so I don’t know if it counts. But I was in the office, but it wasn’t really the office, you know? Anyway, I snapped into a Slim Jim, and then the Slim Jim became him and he became everything around me and I was in Hell and I woke up screaming “EAT ME.”

5. At this point, I had fallen apart. I was wandering the halls of my office at Anderson Bevel Smith like a ghost, reduced to delivering the interoffice mail, like an animal. People avoided me. Slim Jims were my only friend. Snapping into them was my only respite. At my lowest, I snapped into one and he smashed through a wall and I burst into tears just at the thought that at least he was there for me. But when he saw me sobbing, he slowly backed out of the room without a word. Even he was freaked out.

6. However, I’m happy to report things have improved. The last time I snapped into a Slim Jim, I was ready. He burst through the ceiling tile of Anderson Bevel Smith and was about to scream in my face, his eyes filled with the malicious fire of the damned. I grabbed him and snapped his neck with the strength of a thousand righteous men. I may never be the same and I will never be welcome in the offices of Anderson Bevel Smith again, not least of which because I am currently scheduled to be executed by the State of Idaho in three days.

But I did what I had to, and I pray God has mercy on me for the Slim Jims I have snapped.

Propagandhi Stop Concert Mid-Set to Give Pop Quiz

Posted on by John Danek

WINNIPEG, Manitoba — Political punk thrashers Propagandhi paused a hometown show in the middle of their set to administer a pop quiz which evaluated the audience’s understanding of their lyrical themes, panicked fans reported.

“Propagandhi had just finished melting our faces with the solo at the end of ‘Purina Hall of Fame’ when merch and sound guys started scurrying around the crowd giving out paper and pencils,” recounted a scarred Elaine Motts, who dropped out of high school precisely to avoid situations like this. “Chris Hannah then asked ten questions, while Sulynn walked around the crowd watching for cheating and Todd screamed at people for talking. There were questions about Moby Dick, the FBI’s COINTELPRO program, and Ethiopian emperors. I definitely failed. Fuck, I’m going to have to retake remedial punk at the NOFX farewell tour before I can attempt to pass Propgandhi again.”

Members of the band admitted frustration at their audiences’ ignorance pertaining to the subject matter of their catalog.

“I can only listen to someone butcher the phrase ‘Mate Ka Moris Ukun Rasik An’ before I wonder if our messages are sinking in,” explained drummer Jord Samolesky, who devised the evaluation method. “We’re calling it No Punk Left Behind, and I think it’s really starting to show results. We’ve always been about more than just sick riffs and insane drum fills, we are edutainment à la the Oregon Trail. People complain that the tests are too hard, but we recently added extra credit like listing hosts of Hockey Night in Canada.”

Educators praised the Manitoba band for their insistence on combining education with art.

“It appears to already have an influence on other bands. The Lawrence Arms stopped a show last night to administer a class on taste pairing cigarettes with well whiskeys,” said Dr. Orin Marklard, dean of the Department of Education at The University of Winnipeg. “Propagandhi’s subject matter is astonishingly difficult. I could only answer one or two questions, but admittedly I’m more of a ‘How to Clean Everything’ fan than any of their later work.”

Reports indicate Propagandhi’s sellout show the following night was sparsely attended with the band receiving over 800 emails about the sudden deaths of audience members’ grandmothers.

What We’re Listening to This Week

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

New music is the singular thread that keeps society from tearing apart like your last good pair of jorts. If you think we’re being hyperbolic, it’s because this concept requires everyone’s participation to work properly and you haven’t been pulling your weight. Because we want to save the world and you keep fucking it up for everyone, we’ve compiled a list of songs that have come out while you were listening to ‘Static Age’ or some shit for the hundredth time this week.

Lektron “She’s A War”

Matt Skiba has had a lot more free time on his hands now that Tom DeLonge has rejoined Blink-182. To celebrate he has assembled one of the best supergroups we’ve heard in recent memory, Lektron. Featuring members of AFI and Against Me!, ‘She’s A War’ plucks the most exciting aspects of each player’s sound. While that ultimately creates a fresher sound than we’re used to, Alkaline Trio fans will be especially excited to hear that this track finds Skiba still tinkering with the formula that brought us classics like ‘Private Eye’ and ‘We’ve Had Enough.’

Sylvan Esso “How Did You Know – Live At Electric Lady”

Last year Sylvan Esso released their fifth studio album, ‘No Rules Sandy.’ Its purpose was to strip down the duo to its more live roots. If you, like many of us, were underwhelmed by the effort, their new EP ‘Live At Electric Lady’ is dead set on rectifying that. Don’t believe us? Give this live version of the ‘No Rules’ cut, ‘How Did You Know,’ a spin. Just make sure you’re alone if you don’t want your friends to see your sob face when the Attaca String Quartet comes in to obliterate the album version’s original samples.

Speedy Ortiz “You S02”

Following a five-year dry spell, Speedy Ortiz are back with a new single from their forthcoming album, ‘Rabbit Rabbit.’ ‘You S02’ finds lead singer and songwriter Sadie Dupuis delivering her acerbic lines with a confidence not quite heard as of yet in this project. Much like the band’s previous work, this track brilliantly rides the line between outright pop and moody dissonance, wonderfully underpinning its themes of inauthenticity in Hollywood. The chorus wouldn’t sound out of place on the soundtrack of ‘Clueless’ had it been directed by David Lynch. That’s a compliment in case you were wondering.

Diners “The Power”

You would be forgiven for thinking this song was an unearthed recording of a Television song written by Paul McCartney. The wonderful guitar-play and retro production could whisk anyone away to a late-seventies power-pop show in some hip NYC nightclub. Fortunately for us, Diners, the stage name of songwriter Blue Broderick, is crafting this incredible music today. The excellent lead single from her forthcoming LP ‘Domino’ proves that in the eleventh year spent as a recording artist, she is still capable of cranking out some of the catchiest tunes we’ve heard since the last time she released a record.

Radiator Hospital “Cartoon Logic”

Radiator Hospital’s fantastic new record ‘Can’t Make Any Promises’ finds the band ready to get fuzzy again after 2019’s notable, but incredible, detour ‘Music to Daydream To.’ ‘Cartoon Logic’ sounds like it could have been lifted from Built to Spill’s early catalog, but manages to sound fresher than anything the band has released in recent memory. This track places Sam Cook-Parrot’s inimitable voice and lyrical stylings dead center while cradling both in a wall of overdriven guitar and dazzling harmonies. The best part is, this track clocks in at just two minutes and sixteen seconds, so you might actually be fully engaged for the entirety of the song before scrolling through Instagram in silence for hours on end.

Bring Me the Horizon “AmEN! (feat. Lil Uzi Vert and Daryl Palumbo of Glassjaw)

In ‘What the actual fuck?’ news, Bring Me the Horizon is back with their first single in three years, and… Lil Uzi Vert has a verse on it? It’s also, like, kind of a good verse. If you’re concerned that lead singer Oliver Sykes’ recent spiritual retreat might have dulled some of his lyrical leanings, don’t worry. This track is an apocalyptic jam with all its fury pointed directly at fundamentalist Christians. Though the line ‘suck a dick, heretic’ had us equally amused and worried, Lil Uzi Vert ties the message together stating ‘you fanatics prey on me, hate on me… get your head out of my ass, got me feeling like a human centipede.’ Here’s hoping he’s on every goddamn track when the full-length drops.

MSPAINT “Hardwired”

Okay, so this one came out about three months ago, but it’s been a pretty busy season and free time is hard to find. Also, let’s not pretend we weren’t all too busy listening to Turnstile to notice this one slip into the zeitgeist here. There’s no two ways about it, MSPAINT is fun as fuck. Infusing elements of hardcore, synth-punk, pop, hip-hop, and a fuckton of other genres, the band doesn’t seem to be interested in falling into a distinct category. That’s what makes their debut album, ‘Post-American,’ so exciting. If that all sounds a bit too heady for you, don’t worry. One of the album’s highlights, ‘Hardwired,’ basically only has four words, so you won’t have to think too hard when you’re blasting it in your car.

Bowling For Soup “Trucker Hat”

We’ll be honest, we kinda didn’t notice that Bowling For Soup was on this year’s Riot Fest lineup. Partly because they’re on the ninth line of the tiny font part of the flier, and mostly because we forgot they were a band. Now that we know, though, we’re definitely going to try to see their set. While the band just released a new album in April, we couldn’t help but revisit their classic back catalog, particularly the blast from the past that is ‘Trucker Hat.’ Here’s hoping they play it or literally any song to which we kind of remember the words. Riot Fest is quite the nostalgia trap this year, after all.

Punk Boy Scout Helps Elderly Woman Across Open Pit

Posted on by Joe Rumrill

OCEANVIEW, Ill. — Local sixth-grade do-gooder Richie Amweather reportedly risked his own well-being at last night’s hardcore show in order to help a geriatric woman across the pit, heartwarmed sources confirmed.

“Speaking as a dedicated member of Troop 138, I thought not only was it the right thing to do, but it would count a long way toward being awarded the ‘Pit Etiquette’ merit badge I’ve been going for the past year. So, I offered my arm the instant I saw her narrowly avoid getting crowd punched,” said 11-year-old Amweather. “Sure, I got elbowed in the face a couple dozen times, and I got five or six tall boys spilled on my dry-clean only uniform, but it was all worth it to know that sweet old lady was safe from harm’s way. And the pat on the head she gave me after? Icing on the cake, yes sir!”

The elderly woman in question, Ms. Lilac McMurtree, was reportedly more than appreciative for the scout’s assistance.

“Oh, that sweet young man gives me hope for the future. I wandered in after my trip to the greengrocer, intrigued by the look of the young combo on stage yelling ‘fuck this and fuck that.’ I had never seen an amplifier colored orange, and wanted to get a closer look,” said the 83-year-old retired sheet music store employee. “With my hearing aid out of battery, I relied on little Richie’s guidance to get me up past the fine people kneeing each other in the back. I tried to give him a shiny nickel later to get himself an EP at the merch table, but he refused, saying doing good was its own reward.”

Naming the program after his favorite krautrock band, Scout Master Wilson Hauer elaborated further on the “Neu! Scout” ethos.

“That Amweather boy is turning into a fine young punk. Oughta complete ‘Neu! Scouts’ at the top of his troop,” said Hauer, while casually fashioning a microphone out of a stolen payphone receiver. “Especially if he sells enough of my band’s demo tapes outside the mini-mart come fundraising time. I tell you, these kids may not be old enough to get into a lot of the venues our trips take us to, but the x’s on their hands are no match for the p’s and q’s they learn to always mind.”

At press time, Amweather has decided next to receive his community service badge by cleaning the venue bathroom, which he hopes to complete by late 2026.

Every Circle Jerks Album Ranked

Posted on by Joe Rumrill

As much fun as it was for me rank all these albums, I was skeptical at what an SEO nightmare it was going to be for me to have my name featured so prominently beside terms like “Group Sex” “Golden Shower” and the six dozen times I had to use the phrase “Circle Jerks” But, luckily for you, I manned up, swallowed my pride, and banged this out (ah jeez.) Anyway, whether you just know them from their self-deprecating cameo as the lounge band in “Repo Man” or respect them to the ends of the earth for solidifying the L.A hardcore sound, The Circle Jerks are punk legends for a damn good reason. And I’m more than happy to destroy my reputation to future employers who may be Googling me on their behalf.

6. Wönderful (1985)

One of two albums of theirs that clocks in at over 30 minutes, and you know what they say: if a Circle Jerks record lasts longer than a half hour, consult a physician immediately. Though it’s got some fun stuff going on at various points – the Seven Dwarfs-esque whistling on the hook of the title track, and that magnificent country-fried guitar solo on “Mrs. Jones” come to mind – it just isn’t up to the snotty, rabid standard we know these fellas are capable of. At the end of the day, Wönderful is a tad ünderwhelming.

Play It Again: “Dude”
Skip It: “15 Minutes”

5. Oddities Abnormalities and Curiosities (1995)

Known as the only major label release from our boys, we’re going to dub this “not the worst” due to the sheer experimentation. After almost a decade of not recording, these fellows could have gone full dad-reunion mode and gone through the motions, but hell, they let Zander Schloss play the sitar on this thing, so who are we to rank it last? They’re throwing everything against the wall, and some of it even sticks (this is the Circle Jerks we’re talking about here, so those walls are pretty sticky to begin with.)

Play It Again: “Brick” comes closest to sounding like their classic sound.
Skip It: “Sinking Ship”

4. VI (1987)

A considerable step up from Wönderful, VI may slow the tempos a tad, but it certainly doesn’t ease up on the energy! A lot of the time, they sound akin to a stimulant-affected Psychedelic Furs, which is pretty cool. The kickoff track “Beat Me Senseless” toggles a “Crazy Train”-like riff into something undeniably sick. Also, they keep their penchant for revving up ‘60s classics alive by snarling through a rendition of “Fortunate Son” that rips pretty hard.

Play it Again: “I’m Alive”
Skip It: “Casualty Vampires”

3. Wild In The Streets (1982)

Wild in the Streets doesn’t quite reach the inept catharsis of their debut, but it’s lightyears away from anything approaching a sophomore slump. Tiptoeing deftly across the tightrope strung up over a pit full of “same ol’, same ol’,” Wild in the Streets deserves to be firmly in the top three. Hetson’s guitar work is especially in the spotlight here, elevating songs like “Leave Me Alone” and their cover of “Just Like Me” to total essentials.

Play It Again: “Wild in the Streets”
Skip It: “Murder the Disturbed”

2. Group Sex (1980)

The type of album you have to yell “Fire in the hole!” before putting on, so the folks in your general vicinity are aware of what’s about to happen. The Circle Jerks’ debut is brash, bratty and beguilingly brief. It even gives us a “Beverly Hills” song that we actually want to listen to (Sorry, Rivers Cuomo.) Cementing their juvenile sense of humor and flagrant disregard for anything requiring an attention span, “Group Sex” plants the flag for SoCal hardcore…just don’t expect any flowers to grow anywhere near it. Too much beer and urine in that soil.

Play it Again: “World Up My Ass”
Skip it: Good luck skipping any, man. They’ll be over before you reach the button.

1. Golden Shower of Hits (1983)

Speaking of the yellow stuff…Here we have the culmination of everything the Circle Jerks are all about. Blistering chainsaw riffs, croaked-throat vocals from Keith Morris in his prime, and a hefty dose of toilet jokes. From the door-kicking-down “In Your Eyes” to the tongue-in-cheek closing medley of soft-rock radio hits, and everything crammed in between, there’s a reason it’s not called “Silver or Bronze Shower of Hits”…this one takes the gold.

Play It Again: Sure
Skip It: Like a stone, across the river, landing perfectly on a turntable on the other side.

10 Ska Songs So Good That Even the People That Pretend to Hate Ska Admit to Liking Them

Posted on by Eric Navarro

In one of the many ways ska is similar to grindcore, it’s very much a “love it or hate it” kind of genre, but nobody secretly listens to grindcore when nobody is watching. We don’t know exactly what it is about ska that people just can’t get past. Maybe it’s the bright colors or the loud shirts. Maybe it’s the puns or the horns. Maybe it’s the fact that your childhood sucked because you weren’t 11 during the Summer of Ska. We’ll never know. But we did compile a list of 10 ska songs that everyone enjoys. Or at least you’ll be able to see the merit in it. You’ll still make fun of it though. That never stops being fun.

“Drunk Again” by Reel Big Fish

Let’s start you off with a song that’s the furthest thing from ska on this list. “Drunk Again” is a departure for RBF and sounds like emo Elton John. It’s a beautifully sad track that showcases the band’s incredible songwriting abilities. Warning: there are horns. There aren’t any upstrokes though. We won’t throw you into the deep end just yet. This one’s for all of you big ballad lovers out there.

“Sunday Morning” by No Doubt

Maybe the ubiquitous social mockery of ska is keeping you from getting into these bands. Well, how about a song by a mainstream-approved artist like Gwen Stefani? This one doesn’t even have horns so you’ll be fine. If you can watch The Voice with no shame, you can hear a guitar play on the offbeats for a few verses. Check this one out if you like pop or radio rock music in general.

“These Scars Won’t Heal Themselves” by I Voted For Kodos

Perhaps it’s ska’s upbeat nature of ska that makes you dismiss it as a credible genre. This emo/ska track from IV4K is something horn-y that’s a real treat for Taking Back Sunday and Senses Fail fans. Screams and trombones, what’s not to love?! Plus, this band was named after a Simpsons reference and Matt Groening mentioned the band in a DVD commentary track so they get some cred for that.

“Beer (Song)” by Mustard Plug

Let’s say you just want to go to a show, get drunk, and mosh to four-chord punk songs you can “woah-oh” along to. Well then Mustard Plug’s closer “Beer” is for you. And if you like that one, check out their “Evildoers Beware” album. It was produced by Bill Stevenson and Stephen Egerton so, like, come on dude.

“Relocate the Beat” by Big D and the Kids Table

For this one, maybe it’s the name of the band you can’t get past. That’s fair. Ska has a sense of humor about itself. That’s part of the charm. Sometimes, you have to really listen to decipher what’s a joke and what’s for real. “Relocate the Beat” is a masterclass in musicianship and lets their drummer absolutely go off. The album it comes from, “Strictly Rude,” is a great listen for musicians and music nerds alike.

“Would You Be Impressed” by Streetlight Manifesto

Streetlight Manifesto’s genre classification has been debated at length. In the end, they have a sound that’s unique to them and ska is one of the genres that goes into making that sound. “Would You Be Impressed” combines incredible musicianship with tight, catchy songwriting with mosh-inducing speed and intensity. It’s simply a great song. It’s ska, and it’s okay to enjoy it.

“Look What Happened” by Less Than Jake (Borders & Boundaries version)

Less Than Jake experienced an incredible amount of mainstream success with their non-ska album, so we’re recommending the original version of their single “Look What Happened” from the “Borders & Boundaries” album. It’s a catchy alternative rock song with incredibly heartfelt vocals, and lyrics that pump you up for the big moment going into the final chorus.

“Someday I Suppose” by Mighty Mighty Bosstones

We’ve officially entered pure, uncut ska territory. At this point, you should have the proper context to hear a ska song and listen to it for what it is, as opposed to the cheesestick-eating, rollerblading monster the people who make memes would have you believe. So when you hear this song… you get it, right? Like, you get why this song is great. You HAVE to get it. You don’t have to get why they paid a guy to just dance though. And so what if Adam Carolla uses it as his show’s theme song, we all forgot about that guy years ago.

“Sound System” by Operation Ivy

Okay, this is it. This is our last ditch effort. If you don’t get why people like ska after listening to this song then we can’t help you. We can only hope to prevent whatever disease you have from spreading.

“Ska Sucks” by Propagandhi

If you made it through this entire playlist and you still think ska music is cringe-fueled nonsense noise, then we STILL have a ska recommendation for you. This is the most conventionally-written third-wave ska-punk song on the entire list and it’s about exactly what you’re feeling right now. Ska rules. Fuck you.

Opinion: Quiet Confidence Has Nothing on Loud Insecurity

Posted on by Mimi Kenny

Spend enough time scrolling through Instagram or aimlessly clicking through Pinterest boards and you’ll see all kinds of advocacy for something called “quiet confidence,” where you recognize your strengths and feel comfortable in yourself without needing to prove to anyone else that you have value. Now that’s all well and good for the “wake up at 6, in bed by 10” crowd, but I tried quiet confidence and let me tell you, it pales compared to the rush of loud insecurity.

I was telling my therapist about how any criticism at work eats away at me to the point that I’m running back and forth to the bathroom to soak paper towels in water to hide any signs of crying. She suggested I do some journaling to help me untangle my negative thought patterns. Now, I can’t say this didn’t work because I didn’t bother trying it. Instead, I loudly mentioned every mistake made by my coworkers to help deflect any criticism. This has yielded far more satisfying results.

This isn’t limited to the workplace. I’ve also harnessed this power to turn all my interpersonal relationships into one-sided pleas for validation that inevitably implode when the other person has enough of me bringing up that I was wait-listed at Dartmouth any time I’m around someone who I perceive to be smarter than me. Did I get in? Nope. But that doesn’t mean I can’t name-drop an Ivy League school to help puff up my ego for a minute!

I also have to shout out the internet and social media for making it so easy to broadcast my debilitating lack of self-esteem. After all, what better way to scrutinize my worth as a human than by giving me an endless number of platforms to express how I have no conception of myself as anything but a vessel for others’ scorn? And if I don’t get enough likes on a post, I’ll definitely follow it up with another one directly pleading for attention. How many is “enough?” I still don’t know!

But here’s what I do know: loud insecurity has helped me to realize my life’s purpose, which is to try and do all I can to be recognized as worthwhile and desirable without any sort of willingness to reflect on my flaws and work to change them through consistent effort. That’s pretty special, right?

Right?

RIGHT???

Ex-Hardcore Guitarist Who Joined the Worst Fucking Bar Rock Band Anyone’s Ever Heard Actually Seems Way Happier Now

Posted on by Peter Woods

BOSTON – Bernie Callahan, ex-guitarist for local hardcore band Scald, is now performing with objectively horrendous bar rock band Tough N’ Stuff and thoroughly enjoying himself, sources feeling betrayed report.

“I’m pretty sure that Steve from Woeful is going to absolutely drag me as soon as he sees this, but that’s fine,” said Callahan while learning how to play Lit’s “My Own Worst Enemy.” “But he doesn’t understand I’m finally playing music people actually enjoy. People say ‘nice set’ to me and actually mean it. Not to mention I just got paid twice as much as that band made last year combined, and I get to go to bed before midnight. Not to mention I’ve been able to cut back my therapy sessions to twice a month. That’s just more money in the bank.”

Local promoter Claudine Osbourse allegedly saw Callahan smiling for the first time in 12 years while playing “uninspired” covers of The Rolling Stones and Santana.

“I can barely believe it’s the same guy,” said Osborne while sulkily smoking a cigarette. “He used to be in the most pissed off hardcore band I’ve ever seen. And whenever he got off stage he was even worse, just absolutely furious every show that not enough people showed up or moshed hard enough. But when he got to do the background vocals for that AC/DC cover the other night, that was probably the first time I have ever seen him legitimately enjoying himself. I think I’m proud of him?”

While most are voicing their support for Callahan’s decision to prioritize his own mental health, some have criticized the guitarist’s musical 180.

“The guy is just torpedoing his career,” said local music critic Carlene Gibbs. “With this new band, there is absolutely no way he will ever gain any influence or notoriety beyond his local community. But if he had stuck with Scald for another seven or so years, he would have had a chance to reach upwards of sixty people in four or five counties. We’ve lost an entire generation of perhaps a dozen resentful and unfulfilled musicians who would have started as their base. No question.”

At press time, Callahan has reportedly gotten laid after a gig for the first time in his musical career.

More Big Tech Woes: LCD Soundsystem Announces Round of Layoffs

Posted on by John Danek

NEW YORK — VC startup and indie music factory LCD Soundsystem announced their first-ever round of layoffs affecting all organizational units effective immediately, worried economists report.

“I regret to announce that today is a difficult one for our organization; LCD Soundsystem, Incorporated is losing its edge and must lay off 34% of our workforce,” said frontman and CEO James Murphy in a company-wide email. “I offer my deepest gratitude to everyone affected for their years of service. But market forces dictate that we must tighten the belt if we hope to produce another ‘Sound of Silver’ down the line or have Daft Punk ever play at my house again.”

Seniority did not seem to be a major factor in deciding which departments and employees would suffer the cuts.

“I was just two years away from a pension and I’m devastated,” uttered a crestfallen Nancy Whang, one of the longest-tenured employees at LCD Soundsystem. “I was brought into the conference room where James gave me the news in an obviously prepared 30-second speech, then he rushed out and left me with our head of HR. He couldn’t make eye contact with me; what a coward. They gave me one little cardboard box to pack up all my synths from my desk. I could barely fit my MicroKORG in it, let alone all my other keyboards. I’ve sent my resume to Gorillaz and St. Vincent, but maybe I should start my own solo company? I’ve been dreaming of going the entrepreneur route for years.”

Economists warn that the contagion of layoffs could continue to spread to other indie music institutions.

“We don’t expect the trend to reverse anytime soon; rumor has it Interpol released their in-house suit tailor today,” said Alvin Bingham, host of “Indie Band Report” on CNBC. “Jack White laid off his entire haberdashery staff last week, and The Mountain Goats have decided to outsource their research department. But we have found a few exceptions- Kraftwerk is hiring renewable energy engineers, and Mac Demarco needs a new weed guy. So there are still some jobs out there.”

A leak from within LCD Soundsystem, Incorporated confirmed that Murphy’s layoff email used the subject line “Inflation, I Love You But You’re Bringing Me Down.”