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Punk Boy Scout Helps Elderly Woman Across Open Pit

OCEANVIEW, Ill. — Local sixth-grade do-gooder Richie Amweather reportedly risked his own well-being at last night’s hardcore show in order to help a geriatric woman across the pit, heartwarmed sources confirmed.

“Speaking as a dedicated member of Troop 138, I thought not only was it the right thing to do, but it would count a long way toward being awarded the ‘Pit Etiquette’ merit badge I’ve been going for the past year. So, I offered my arm the instant I saw her narrowly avoid getting crowd punched,” said 11-year-old Amweather. “Sure, I got elbowed in the face a couple dozen times, and I got five or six tall boys spilled on my dry-clean only uniform, but it was all worth it to know that sweet old lady was safe from harm’s way. And the pat on the head she gave me after? Icing on the cake, yes sir!”

The elderly woman in question, Ms. Lilac McMurtree, was reportedly more than appreciative for the scout’s assistance.

“Oh, that sweet young man gives me hope for the future. I wandered in after my trip to the greengrocer, intrigued by the look of the young combo on stage yelling ‘fuck this and fuck that.’ I had never seen an amplifier colored orange, and wanted to get a closer look,” said the 83-year-old retired sheet music store employee. “With my hearing aid out of battery, I relied on little Richie’s guidance to get me up past the fine people kneeing each other in the back. I tried to give him a shiny nickel later to get himself an EP at the merch table, but he refused, saying doing good was its own reward.”

Naming the program after his favorite krautrock band, Scout Master Wilson Hauer elaborated further on the “Neu! Scout” ethos.

“That Amweather boy is turning into a fine young punk. Oughta complete ‘Neu! Scouts’ at the top of his troop,” said Hauer, while casually fashioning a microphone out of a stolen payphone receiver. “Especially if he sells enough of my band’s demo tapes outside the mini-mart come fundraising time. I tell you, these kids may not be old enough to get into a lot of the venues our trips take us to, but the x’s on their hands are no match for the p’s and q’s they learn to always mind.”

At press time, Amweather has decided next to receive his community service badge by cleaning the venue bathroom, which he hopes to complete by late 2026.