Here Are 10 of the Best Easycore Songs to Remind You Warped Tour is Dead and Gone

Easycore is the genre hybrid of pop-punk (emphasis on the pop) and hardcore. Its roots date back to the early 2000s and it became a genre around 2007, hitting a fever pitch of massive scene kid popularity in the early 2010s. Easycore is beloved by its fans and mocked by people who don’t get it. It’s basically ska for kids who’ve never heard of ska.

Easycore sounds effortless, however, it requires intricate songwriting, solid technical playing, and insanely high production values. The lyrics can be gibberish though. Hell, half the time the singer is belting out straight up pop-punk word salad. And it’s AWESOME.

So put on your best cartoon monster tee, call all your best friends over, and let’s paint this dead-end town neon. We ranked the 10 best Easycore songs. So, hey dudes… are you ready to?

10. City Lights “Hang Out” (2011)

10th place is actually a million-way tie between every song by City Lights, Hit the Lights, Set Your Goals, Knockout Kid, With The Punches, and about 95 other bands. That’s the beauty of Easycore. If you like one band, you like them all! Much like another often-dismissed genre that blends two genres that don’t usually go together: ska.

9. Meet Me @ The Altar “Mapped Out” (2021)

If you saw that one Taco Bell commercial, you definitely kinda know this band. While their newer stuff leans more straightforward pop punk, Meet Me @ The Altar’s “Model Citizen” EP, along with some of their pre-Fueled By Ramen YouTube stuff, dips into Easycore, showing what the genre sounds like in a post-Covid world. This band gets praise primarily for their vocals but the hidden gem of this band is the lead guitar, which is showcased on “Mapped Out.” Also, some people say they might be an industry plant. Don’t care, love the song.

8. The Wonder Years “Bout to Get Fruit Punched, Homie” (2007)

The Wonder Years would go on to lead the Defend Pop Punk genre, but this is where you can hear their early influence on Easycore as well. The DIY production values show what Easycore sounds like in a band’s practice space. It works great for the vibe of the song and highlights the skillful songwriting and composition required to make a great Easycore song. It also shows exactly how little of a fuck you need to care about the lyrics.

7. Farewell “First One On The Blog” (2007)

Hilariously outdated title aside, Farewell was Epitaph’s power-pop band that incorporated elements of Easycore as early as 2007. However, Farewell rarely gets the credit they deserve for having an influence on a lot of the 2010 Easycore bands that rode the wave of the genre’s success. Over time, the genre as a whole got a lot more “easy” and a lot less “core” and Farewell helped lay out the blueprint for that at the very least.

Honorable Mention: Sunrise Skater Kids “Pit Warrior” (2016)

The Sunrise Skater Kids (from Baltimore) are the satirical Pop-Punk/Easycore band from WarpedTuber Jarrod Alonge. The songs may be a joke, which is why this is only an honorable mention, but the music is incredible. Additionally, the lyrics to “Pit Warrior” are fucking hilarious. This song is a true work of satire, unlike the simpler parody route most comedy musicians go. But what would we know about satire? We’re just a music rankings website.

6. Chunk! No, Captain Chunk! “In Friends We Trust” (2010)

This song was Easycore’s “Jump the Shark” moment, which is particularly impressive since Easycore itself was already considered a shark-jumping genre. While many Easycore songs’ lyrics were comprised of mashed-up pop-punk tropes and themes, “In Friends We Trust” is a jumbled mix of very specific Easycore tropes and themes. The music video is a house show/party that combines a ton of stereotypes of punk shows and teen movies. It has an uncanny valley feel to it. The video has lots of things you could theoretically see at a show, but stuff you’ve never actually seen at a show in real life. Seriously, who the fuck wears the Scream mask to a show? Half of the Easycore scene in Paris, apparently.

5. A Place in Time “Firehall” (2011)

If you’re into Easycore and you haven’t heard of “A Place in Time” then let us just say, you’re welcome. In the early 2010s, APIT released three EPs that are Easycore staples and even progress the genre a bit as Easycore was starting to become stagnant around this time. The band structures their songs like prog rock and they rarely repeat any part of their songs without making a variation, which is surprisingly perfect for Easycore despite the genre’s tradition of conventionally structured songs. A Place in Time is the perfect band for any Easycore diehards that missed them during their heyday. “Firehall” is about snakey local promoters and how they co-opt the scene for their own benefit. This is a departure from typical Easycore songs, which are usually about how many pop punk buzzwords you can fit into three and a half minutes.

4. The Story So Far “The Things I Can’t Change” (2013)

The Story So Far is not an Easycore band. But they’re also not-not an Eascycore band. TSSF blends elements from a ton of genres to create their own unique sound. And, yes, one of those genres happens to be Easycore. They’re like the Streetlight Manifesto of the genre. This is the Easycore band for you if you like aspects of the genre but find it a little too, “Hey dudes are you ready to?” for your taste.

3. New Found Glory “Hit or Miss” (2000)

The version of “Hit or Miss” from NFG’s self-titled album is considered by many to be the original Easycore song. To the untrained ear, “Hit or Miss” sounds like any other early NFG song. It’s a jump-around pop-punk banger about being sad over a girl. That is until you get to the bridge and hear aggressive guitars, bouncy-yet-pounding drums, and a fucking sub-drop. The sub drop in pop punk and emo deserves its own list but in regards to Easycore, the moment these elements came together in “Hit or Miss,” a genre was born. And much like a newborn child, it didn’t do anything noteworthy for the next seven years.

2. Four Year Strong “It Must Really Suck To Be Four Year Strong Right Now” (2009)

Along with A Day to Remember, Four Year Strong are pioneers of the genre. They’re also one of the most popular bands in the world of Easycore, which is a pretty special feat as the top artists in most genres are rarely its early pioneers. Some people may be put off by Easycore’s clashing sounds and influences, but at the end of the day, the genre is all about well-written songs that are performed and produced masterfully. The genre holds a respect for its musical elders and fans will give an opportunity to any new band who put out quality music. It’s a rare and beautiful thing when art is rewarded based on merit, and this rarely occurs outside of ska.

1. A Day to Remember “The Downfall of Us All” (2009)

This might be a perfect song. And not just a perfect Easycore song. Check out Alex Melton’s country version if you don’t believe me. “The Downfall of Us All” didn’t just dominate Easycore; it defined it. Plus, its mainstream crossover appeal was massive and brought a sense of legitimacy to the genre as a whole. Without this song, the genre doesn’t grow. Without this band, the genre doesn’t exist. Without ADTR, every Easycore show would just be Four Year Strong headlining, which FYS probably wouldn’t have minded. I hear 2nd sucks, especially when ADTR is closing.

 

Photos by Derrick Austinson, Andy Collegian, “krd,” Elekes Andor, and Victoria Morse

The Next Health Guru? This Man Turns Into a Diet and Fitness Expert Every Time He Sees an Article About Lizzo on Facebook

Throw away those workout DVDs, cancel your Weight Watchers membership, and unfollow your favorite fitness influencer on TikTok because there’s a hot new health expert redefining what we know about wellness!

Tim Rogers, 43, of Kenosha Wisconsin has been spreading his vast knowledge of health and fitness to engaged listeners for the past year. He provides his sage wisdom not in a gym or classroom, but exclusively in the comment sections below articles about singer/rapper Lizzo he sees on Facebook.

“Really not healthy looking like that,” commented Rogers below an interview where Lizzo described what she eats on tour. “She should lose some weight to be a better performer and set a good example for our kids.” Not only is Rogers a health expert, he’s also looking out for the next generation!

Rogers doesn’t exclusively impart his knowledge in the comments below Lizzo articles on her food preferences; he’s also sure to speak up when he sees other newsworthy events featuring the “About Damn Time” songstress.

“She should eat a vegetable,” commented Rogers on a recent Chicago Times review of a Lizzo concert in the area. “She should do more cardio,” said the expert in the comments below a USA Today article on the Grammy-winner’s appearance on The Simpsons. “Fat,” Rogers simply added below a review of Lizzo’s Netflix show, Watch Out for the Big Grrrls. Imagine being able to say so much with so little!

As for how he amassed his comprehensive knowledge of health and fitness, Rogers is quick to share that he “played hockey in high school and probably would have gone pro if [he] didn’t have shin splints” and “tried Keto for a month or two during the pandemic but it wasn’t for [him].” Talk about pulling from real-world experiences!

As for Lizzo’s opinion of Rogers, our request for comment was declined. Her agent informed us she was in the middle of a tour which features vegan catering and a nightly uninterrupted two-hour performance of singing, rapping, choreographed aerobic dancing, numerous costume changes, and a “flute solo while doing the splits.”

Band Can’t Fire Merch Guy Until They Remember What Venmo Password Is

MINNEAPOLIS — Touring sludge metal band Butt Abduction recently realized they can’t fire their deadbeat merch guy until they’re able to regain access to the band’s shared Venmo account, sources who could swear they had it written down somewhere confirmed.

“I’m still pretty sure it had a ‘q’ in it. Also maybe a dollar sign – or was it three dollar signs?” pondered Butt Abduction guitarist Dan Hosterfield. “All we wanna do is fire that shiftless merch donkey who keeps skimming off of our sticker profits. But until we can either change the password and steal his phone to get the 2FA or just decide to slum it on CashApp, it looks like we’re stuck with him.”

Butt Abduction’s merch guy, Derek Slove, is pretty confident his job is secure.

“Yeah, I change the Venmo password two or three times a week to stay ahead of these jerks. Even if they do remember it, that password isn’t doing anyone no good,” sneered Slove like a modern day snake oil salesman. “The thrill of it all really adds to the sick enjoyment I get from actively stealing from my former friends. It’s so goddamn easy to get away with this when your work’s only accounting feature is emojis. How isn’t everybody doing this?”

Rachel Drennter, longtime owner of punk venue The Stench Refinery, detailed her experience dealing with merch guys.

“I’ve owned this shithole for more than thirty years and I’ve never met a merch guy who wasn’t a deviant shyster. It takes a special brand of asshole to endure all the bullshitery of tour without any of the benefits of actually being in the band, so obviously they all have a scheme” Drennter explained. “Really, I can’t blame them. ‘Merch guy’ is about the stupidest job one can have and no one wants it. If these band’s are dumb enough to hand over financial control to a psychopath instead of just making the drummer do it, then they deserve to get ripped off.”

At press time, Slove had opened a secret Paypal account to serve as a “digital Cayman Islands” of sorts.

Daft Punk Releases New Line of Helmets for Allergy Season

PARIS, France — Daft Punk reportedly re-joined forces after officially disbanding in 2021 in order to collaborate with manufacturing giants 3M on a new collection of their signature light up helmets, just in time for both festival and allergy season.

“The Paris-based electronica duo designed the hottest robot helmets of the season with the dual purpose of looking chic while also keeping the insane pollen levels due to global warming out,” reported Sheree’ Purdue, who runs one of France’s top style houses. “Tucked inside is a miniature removable, disposable, air filter, designed to prevent even the most delicate of festival goers’ sinuses from becoming irritated by the allergens swirling around most outdoor venues. From Glastonbury to EDC, this functional new rave wear might turn into the prominent trend of 2023.”

Die-hard Daft Punk fans have already taken the internet by storm with mostly positive feedback.

“This is so great. I mean, it kills three birds with one stone: A HEPA filter for my dust allergy, light up mechanisms for partying after dark, and built in head protection for riding my Art Bike around Burning Man. Just take my money already,” said Kyle Somers while wearing the 18 pound helmet. “And it’ll hide my tears when I think about the fact that the only new music we’ll ever get from Daft Punk again is remasters and demos. Really brilliant stuff.”

Well-known fashion blogger Carmen Lestanzio of ILookBetterThanYou.com believes this this redefine allergy helmets going forward.

“I can’t stress how clever of a launch this is, because not only do the helmets add an extra element of style to your festival outfits, but they also help to conceal your identity so nobody will find out that you still think Burning Man is the cool festival. Just admitting that you go is bad enough for your image,” Lestanzio said. “So this is a great way to jump into the group camp photo while still maintaining your dignity, both online and in real life.”

At press time, GWAR announced a collaboration with sports gear company Under Armour to release a limited edition run of moisture wicked t-shirts to sell exclusively at their shows, intended for the “splash zone.”

Every The Lawrence Arms Album Ranked Worst to Best

Today is the day we officially announce The Lawrence Arms as “The Hard Times’ favorite band of all time” (this could change tomorrow). In honor of this great achievement, we’ve decided to rank all their studio albums. The Lawrence Arms (occasionally referred to as Larry Limbs) has become a beloved cult band in the Chicago scene, and over their more than two decades of existence, have managed to constantly evolve their sound in a way that always sounds fresh.

7. Ghost Stories (2000)

“Ghost Stories” is The Lawrence Arms’ second album and the first to feature guitarist Chris McCaughan’s songwriting. While there’s no such thing as a bad TLA record, this one doesn’t always stack up against the rest very well. It has its moments where it shines, like on the only TLA song to be written and sung by drummer Neil Hennessy “106 South” and fan-favorite “Light Breathing (Me And Martha Plimpton In A Fancy Elevator).” Which is funny because I have a recurring nightmare of being stuck on a fancy elevator with Martha Plimpton, but it’s like a mutant Martha and the elevator is actually my middle school. Anyway, the blueprint is here for what the band will become, but it just feels a bit underdeveloped.

Play it again: “106 South”
Skip it: “Here Comes The Neighborhood”

6. A Guided Tour of Chicago (1999)

The Lawrence Arms’ first album shared many of the same issues as “Ghost Stories.” Which isn’t too surprising, considering they were both written and recorded within a few months of each other. This is the only Larry Limbs album where all the songwriting is done by bassist (and multi-time Hard Times contributor) Brendan Kelly, and while, once again, it lays the blueprint for the band’s sound, it’s not quite there yet. However, this album manages to live up to its name, assuming you want your Chicago experience to be about bumming cigarettes from strange people while drinking more booze than one would think is humanly possible.

Play it again: “An Evening of Extraordinary Circumstance”
Skip it: “Uptown Free Radio”

5. Apathy and Exhaustion (2002)

This is where the band really starts to find their footing. Kelly’s songwriting is far more developed, McCaughan begins to lean into his introspective style of songwriting that has since become essential to the band’s sound, and Hennessy’s drumming really begins to shine. While the songwriting feels much more diverse on this album than the previous ones, there still is an occasional feel of “sameness” while listening to the album in its entirety. But hey, maybe that just adds to the “Exhaustion” part of the album name. None of the songs are bad, but few stand out when put in the context of the album. This isn’t helped by the fact that “Your Gravest Words” and “Brick Wall Views,” while both good songs, share a very similar vocal melody for a good portion of their choruses, and only have one song between them in the tracklist.

Play it again: “Porno and Snuff Films”
Skip it: “I’ll Take What’s in the Box Monty”

4. Metropole (2014)

This album has what psychologists should start referring to as “The Menzingers Effect.” That is to say, despite being 19 when I first heard it, it was already making me regret not having more fun in my 20s. While TLA lyrics aren’t exactly known for their uplifting and optimistic themes, this album takes an especially dark turn, dealing a lot with regret and pessimism for the future. That’s not to say it’s without its fair share of their typical humor. The song “Drunk Tweets” is everything you’d hope from a song with that title. Despite the 8 year gap from their last album to this one, the band proved that they not only hadn’t lost their footing, but still had plenty of room to evolve their sound while still remaining true to what makes The Lawrence Arms sound like The Lawrence Arms.

Play it again: “Beautiful Things”
Skip it: None, unless you’re going through a midlife crisis, then maybe “Paradise Shitty”. Not because it’s bad, just because you don’t need to make things worse for yourself. But if you insist, maybe remembering that the second verse was written from the perspective of Mitt Romney’s dog will help.

Honorable Mention: Cocktails & Dreams (2005)

While compilation albums can’t be included in the main list, I’d be remiss not to mention the beloved “Cocktails & Dreams.” Despite being a B-sides and rarities album, the songs work so well together that it sounds like a studio album, so much so that new fans often think it is on first listen. While the length of the album does cause it to drag a bit at the end, it’s mostly solid all the way through and boasts many fan favorites, including but certainly not limited to “100 Resolutions” and “Quincentuple Your Money” which is not a song that helped me financially in any way. While there are a few songs that don’t offer anything that can’t be found elsewhere in TLA’s discography, the majority of them are must-listens for anyone who’s getting into this band for the first time, or for anyone who thinks they’re cool because they think “Oh! Calcutta!” is the only good TLA album. You’re not, and maybe hearing some of these songs will shut you up.

Play it again: “Nebraska” (This is not a Bruce Springsteen cover, I promise)
Skip it: “Joyce Carol Oates Is a Boring Old Biddy” (Though it is worth looking up the origin story of this name)

3. The Greatest Story Ever Told (2003)

This album is the reason Fat Mike made a rule that he had to personally approve all album covers that were being released on Fat Wreck Chords, and that alone makes it pretty awesome. The other thing that makes it awesome is that this record finally gives you the dynamic that the band had been working on for a bit now. Kelly’s songs stay driving and punky, while McCaughan leans into his introspective side even more and delivers thoughtful melodies and lyrics that make you regret ending your last relationship. The back and forth between these styles keeps this album, which is loosely made a concept album through an overarching circus theme, chaotic and surprising in the best way possible.

Play it again: All of them, in order, that’s the best way to enjoy this album
Skip it: “Introduction” and “Outro”, but only if you’re some elitist who thinks that punk rock is above concept albums. If you’re cool you’ll listen to the whole thing.

Honorable Mention: Buttsweat and Tears (2009)

Just like Cocktails & Dreams, I’d be remiss to not include “Buttsweat and Tears.” All five songs on this EP can be considered fan favorites, and “The Slowest Drink at the Saddest Bar on the Snowiest Day in the Greatest City” is one of their most popular songs, and for good reason.

Play it again: All of them, it takes less than 14 minutes, it’s worth it, trust me.
Skip it: Really? You don’t have 14 minutes? Get yourself together.

 

 

2. Oh! Calcutta! (2006)

If you’re not in the 49% of fans that are pissed at me for not putting “Greatest Story” at number one, then you’re probably in the 49% of fans that are pissed off at me for not putting this one at number one. If you’re in the other 2%, then you were probably pissed off at me long before either of those anyway. “Oh! Calcutta!” is a near-perfect album from start to finish. It shows off TLA’s high-energy side in a way they never had before and never have since. Rather than have Kelly and McCaughan take lead vocals on their own songs like in their other albums, most of the album is sung as a duet, which helps to further the energy they’re pouring into each song. Its biggest downfall is the production that lets Kelly’s bass lines and McCaughan’s vocals get a bit buried in the mix at points. Not the worst issue in the world, but when getting to the top 3 of one of the most consistently great bands in punk, you have to get a bit nit-picky.

Play it again: “Are You There Margaret? It’s Me, God”
Skip it: None

1. Skeleton Coast (2020)

Yeah, that’s right. “Skeleton Coast.” I mean, have you heard “Pigeons and Spies”? This album takes the dynamic that was fully realized in “Greatest Story” and perfects it in a way that makes the album incredibly cohesive while maintaining the dynamic between McCaughan and Kelly’s songs. The instrumentation is their best work yet, the lyrics are the perfect mix of introspective, witty, sarcastic, and the production serves to elevate the album’s well-executed overarching concept of isolation, which made for an unintentionally well-timed release right at the height of quarantine in 2020. This album packs so much imagery in its just-under-35-minute runtime that it feels like it’s just begging to be the soundtrack of a film adaptation to a Cormac McCarthy novel about the end of the world. They may have even been thinking of that while recording it.

Play it again: “Pigeons and Spies”
Skip it: None, especially not “Pigeons and Spies”

Top 15 Operation Ivy Songs That Would Be On Their Setlist if They Ever Got Their Shit Together and Reunited Already

Operation Ivy broke up nearly 35 years ago, but ever since, their fanbase has been going through a “will they or won’t they” moment with rumors mildly swirling of them getting the band back together every few years. Since they can’t quite get their shit figured out and just continue to keep us all on the edge of our seats, we’ve decided to assemble a list of their top 15 songs that would definitely be on their setlist during a reunion tour, whenever they stop dragging their feet.

“Sound System”

Tim Armstrong and Jesse Michaels recently got together and performed this one live, which means they still know how to play it. A very good sign that they at least still think about us and consider our needs.

“Knowledge”

At one point, every third punk band in existence covered this song, including Green Day. Someone had to fill the Op Ivy-shaped hole in all of our hearts. But now it’s time for the boys to plug up the gaping wound themselves.

“The Crowd”

This one is a fan favorite, so they’re going to want to play it early and often as a way to say “sorry for taking so long to right this reunion ship, you guys.” Well, apology not accepted.

“Healthy Body”

There’s going to come a time when we’ll want to see the audience open up the pit to start skanking. That’s when they bust out this number and Tim showcases his upstroke guitar prowess and everyone realizes their bodies are no longer healthy, in fact most people at the show are near death.

“Hoboken”

Matt Freeman is an undeniable talent at bass, so naturally we’re going to want to tune him out in favor of the singer and guitarist. But Matt really shines on this one especially, if you’re into that sort of thing.

“Yellin’ In My Ear”

Not many ska punk bands are good at both ska and punk. Usually one or the other. Sometimes neither. But somehow the Ivy excels at every genre they touch, particularly this song. It’s a setlist no-brainer.

“Jaded”

Operation Ivy should at least consider doing that thing the Misfits do and reunite every so often at major festivals and Madison Square Garden. They don’t even have to ever write new music or anything. You can’t just compose a song like “Jaded” and never play it out loud ever again.

“Big City”

We’re already midway through the set and I already know it’ll be worth the hefty ticket price of $35, which includes the $18 Ticketmaster handling fee. Greedy bastards. In fact, Ticketmaster fees may be the reason they haven’t gotten back together. Damn you, capitalist hustlers.

“Take Warning”

To this point, we’ve been on a streak of several consecutive high-energy songs. However, a successful setlist needs to bring it down a notch every now and then. “Take Warning” seems to have been written for that exact purpose.

“Unity”

Once you become a legendary band, it’s not really up to you anymore when you decide to call it quits. As your fans, we do. You have an obligation to satiate the palates of your supporters. That’s what “Unity” is all about, I think.

“Bombshell”

The background vocals on this song hold almost equal weight to the foreground vocals. It’s going to make singing along as an audience member a real bitch, but ultimately a risk we’re willing to take if it means we’re hearing “Bombshell” in person.

“Bad Town”

This is the part of the show where the band brings out the saxophone player from the Toasters to play “Bad Town.” It’s going to be incredible. Then the singer of Reel Big Fish is going to come out for some reason. Then one of guys from Less Than Jake. And also every member of the Specials. No one will know why.

“Room Without a Window”

While other singers average 200 words a song, it feels like Jesse Michaels nearly quadruples that in his lyrics. That’s more bang for your buck and something that needs attention on a worldwide stage, like Riot Fest. That’s where all bands reunite at some point in their careers.

“Junkie’s Runnin’ Dry”

This almost feels like an early Rancid song so you know Tim’s going to want it in there. He was going by “Lint” when he was in Operation Ivy, of course. But now he just goes by Tim. Something we can’t fully get behind.

“Vulnerability”

If you’re reading this, Operation Ivy. Feel free to use this as a guide when curating your reunion setlist. It was carefully crafted over a 90-day period. I’ve already done the hard part for you. C’mon, reunite already.

Members of Artist Collective Officially Become Lifelong Enemies After Only 2 1/2 Weeks of Being an Artist Collective

DETROIT – Members of the 17-day-old Which Hunt Artist Collective have confirmed that they have not only disbanded but fully intend on “hating each other’s guts” for the rest of their lives following an explosive closed doors meeting, infuriated sources report.

“All 12 of us spent the past two years living together, being creative, and just having fun,” said collective member and “found object curator” Krystna Radona. “Like, the vibe was impeccable. But the moment we decided to get official and pick a name for the collective, everyone just got super annoying and tired looking and I hated everything everyone did after that. And when someone brought up a spreadsheet at the last meeting, I knew that I was done with those fuckers.”

According to those close to the collective, the announcement comes as a shock.

“It’s really sad–I thought they would have gone the whole nine yards, but I get it,” said friend and local musician Kieran Razavi. “I’ve been in my band for 11 years, so I know how hard it is having to see the same faces every week. Sometimes it just feels like you really want to start something new and exciting, but you made a commitment to this band so you just have to drag yourself to practice again and deal with Dave’s obnoxious inability to figure out his schedule if you want to play another show for the same six people that were at the last show. It just sucks that Which Hunt is going to miss out on that kind of healthy, productive partnership.”

Art historian Kalia Jarencio found the dissolution of the group unsurprising.

“If you look at the history of post-war art, this kind of thing is actually pretty common,” said Jarencio. “The Situationist International, The Brixton Artists Collective, the artists working out of The Factory…all of them split up and stopped speaking to each other pretty quickly. The only difference with Which Hunt that I can see is that no one in the collective actually made any art and, as far as I can tell, just tried to fuck each other constantly. ”

According to a dozen individual press releases, all former members have dedicated the next six years to making art about how much they hate each other.

Help! I Learned to Code but the Instructions Were From 2001 and Now I Only Know How To Make Farscape Fan Sites

I was feeling really frustrated with my career progression (or lack thereof). So, I decided to just do what every mouth breather said I should and learn how to code.

Someone should’ve mentioned the importance of finding an up-to-date guide, because the first-edition copy of HTML & CSS: Everything You Need to Know that I found at Goodwill was published in that fleeting window between Bush’s inauguration and 9/11. And while it taught me some web design, it’s not much good since all I’ve been able to make are “Farscape” sites.

Do you remember “Farscape?” I’ve never seen it. But I guess it aired on Sci-Fi (sorry, SyFy) back in the day? I thought maybe it was the show with the Cylons but that was “Battlestar Galactica.”

It all started when I finished my first “Coding Challenge.” I did what I thought were some basic inputs, and when I ran in, I was greeted with neon green text on a black background reading “FARSCAPE FAN CONNECT”, along with some low-res images and what I guess is the theme song playing on a loop? Oh, and a “Which character are you?” quiz that really hinges on knowing the difference between a Scarran and a Peacekeeper.

I don’t know what those are. I’ve never even seen Farscape.

I tried to just shrug it off and try again later. But the next day, I made it through another chapter. And what did I get? Another eyesore of a site, this time with a “Save Farscape” petition on the front page. I guess the show got canceled and people got mad? Again, I don’t know anything about this.

And it just doesn’t stop. Right before writing this, I somehow made another one, this time completely devoted to someone called “Pa’u Zotoh Zhaan.” I don’t even know how to begin to pronounce that.

I’d have stopped by now. But I’ve somehow already got 10 signatures in my guest book for my latest site. And I figured the next one could at least double that.

Also, in case anyone wants to know, I took the character quiz, and apparently, I’m “Xhalax Sun.” Cool name, at least.

Liberal Boomer Constantly Checking to Make Sure John Fogerty Not Suddenly Right Wing

CHAGRIN FALLS, Ohio — Leftist senior citizen Cyrus Novak is reportedly under round-the-clock duress from continuously having to make sure John Fogerty is not somehow suddenly conservative, hand-wringing sources confirmed.

“I can’t lose another one. They got Clapton, they got Van Morrison, I mean, they even got freakin’ Meat Loaf. MEAT LOAF! The bat out of hell! My CD collection is down to a husk of what it once was. If I get CCR taken away from me, I think I’ll just give up on rock altogether,” said the left-leaning, but undeniably old Novak, while performatively trying not to curse. “I’ll have nothing left to get at Best Buy. I’m constantly refreshing my iPad to make sure John hasn’t said something sideways about vaccines or climate change. I know all too well that it could happen any minute. I can’t give up the Fortunate Son, I just can’t.”

Public relations representatives for Fogerty report that he’s as liberal as ever, and has no intention to change sides.

“Believe us, we go to great lengths to ensure our older rockers don’t succumb to the scourge of conservatism. Dedication to their rock and roll roots are, and always will be, a top priority. We don’t want to disappoint all the dads out there, nor do we want to validate the uncles of the world,” said Fogerty representative Phyllis Jacobi. “Because, as we all know, uncles are the absolute worst. We’ve arranged for Mr. Fogerty to join a support group for elderly liberal musicians to keep each other in check. You can count on us.”

Support group captain and music legend Neil Young told us a bit more about the group.

“We get together a few times a month, just to make sure we haven’t slipped down a QAnon hole. Springsteen usually brings along a crate of Yoo-Hoos, we sit around my giant model train set in camping chairs and just spitball ways the current administration could be doing more for, say, the LGBTQIA+ community for a few hours,” said Young. “Hey, it ain’t Woodstock, but it’s something I’ve begun to look forward to. Next month we’re all hopping in Cher’s van and hucking crabapples at Ted Nugent’s ranch. Fogerty’s in good hands.”

At press time, Novak decided to do away with the stress of classic rock altogether, and listen to “more contemporary stuff, starting with this Morrissey fellow.”

Every Touchè Amorè Album Ranked Worst to Best

One of the more memorable bands to have come from the 2010s (even though they started just prior to 2010, but whatever.) is Touchè Amorè. They’re also one of the most annoying band names to type, so I’ll keep that to a minimum. Furthermore, the name is also difficult to get the pronunciation right. For me personally I didn’t get it right until 2019. I’ve been pronouncing it wrong longer than I’ve been pronouncing it correctly. I’m not even going to clarify the correct way to say it aloud, I’ll let you go out the same way I did on that for 8 or 9 years.

With that out of the way we can get into the reason you are here, the undeniably correct rankings of Touchè Amorè’s catalog – note this is just the official full-lengths in this list, not including any splits, singles, etc.

5. Is Survived By…(2013)

Why hello there “Loveless” inspired album art, we see you there. The blue is kinda cute. Kinda sets the tone even at a glance there. That’s right, you’re in for a fair amount of delay on the guitar with this one. It’s still a good album by all means, it’s just a lot like the album that came before it. Seemingly more of a focus on sweet jingly reverbed guitar and more of a dive towards the shoegaze side of the pool. Which makes sense because when this came out you were probably still listening to a lot of Title Fight and there was a bit of that going around back then. For a third album, they’ve at least shown consistency.

Play It Again: “Anyone/Anything”
Skip It: “Non Fiction”

4. To The Beat Of A Dead Horse/ Dead Horse X (2009/2019)

This one kinda breaks the rules, but not really. “Dead Horse” was the band’s first full-length debut back in the ancient days of 2009 when you were starting to realize you didn’t quite fit into your tight pants anymore. In the more recent but still distant past of 2019, the band decided to give the album one big birthday party and re-recorded the entire thing and called it “Dead Horse X.” It’s kinda like when they remastered the first few Resident Evil games, really. This album is pretty cool, even if the smell of debut full-length clings to it. The bass is way more thumpy and prominent than anything else they’ve released, so that really stands out about it overall. Besides that, you can really tell the seeds of something cool are planted, but there’s still something missing. (The secret ingredient is that special shoegazey sauce becoming spicier on everything else they do.)

Play It Again: “Throwing Copper”
Skip It: “Suckerfish”

3. Stage Four (2016)

Do you ever get this feeling like you want to be helpful to someone? Like you’d rather be the shoulder to cry on for a change and be that person for someone? Well here’s a real treat of an album for you. Next time that feeling hits you don’t bother reaching out to see if everyone is okay or if anyone needs to talk. Everyone is fine. But right now you need to sit down and listen to everything the lead singer of Touchè Amorè has to get out. It’s gonna get intense at times, but it’s okay – you’ve got this. Luckily you’re there for him and everything is going to be okay. This album is particularly filled with the saddies, so I don’t recommend playing it at parties or near any kind of vulnerable person. But on top of all that, how about some post-rock vibes, huh? That makes it a lot easier to process the painful gut-punching lyrics being shouted at you and taking the air out of your lungs.

Play It Again: “New Halloween”
Skip It: “Skyscraper”

Honorable Mention: 10 Years / 1000 Shows: Live at the Regent Theater (2018)

This is the only one of these I’ll bother doing. Simply because part of what makes this band is their live show. They don’t hold back ever, all gas – no brakes. So might as well stick this in there because as far as live albums go, this is as good as the next good one. There are a lot of people on this recording who like to show off that they know all the words. They sound like they’re having fun, you’ll have about a 1/8th of the amount of fun they seem to be having by listening to this record.

 

 

2. Lament (2020)

More of anything? How about just more of everything? The most recent release from this band is quite the showcase of every tool in their belt. A lot of work went into this one, and it shows when you hear all 7 minutes of “Limelight” and crash right into that wall of sound. Not many albums out there have this many hooks you’ll involuntarily sing along to with a bubble in your throat while getting all teary-eyed. It’s real, it’s relatable, the guitar work is best described with a chef’s kiss. Upon first listen it might catch you completely off guard, strap you down to the arms of a chair and give you one big shot in the arm – OF EMOTION. I imagine since this one was released, pits at their shows have a fair amount of sobbing and everyone’s bottom lip is doing the quivering thing with tears in their eyes.

Play It Again: “Limelight”
Skip It: “Savoring”

1. Parting The Sea Between Brightness And Me (2011)

The second full length seems to be where the band collectively had some sort of “a-ha!” Or “eureka” moment and really figured things out. The opening track with a title being a weird little symbol “~” just jumps out at you from around the corner with an obnoxious “HEY, CHECK OUT THIS DOUBLE KICK!” And we all fall for it every time. Wanna clap? Well, you’re gonna. It’s there, and it works. If you’re looking for that sweet spot of sounding sad and angry, you’ll find it here. There was a lot of tough guy stuff coming out around this time, PTSBBAM really stood out because it’s more or less the opposite of that. To say there’s a lack of chest-thumping mentality here is an understatement. If nostalgia plays any factor, you’ll hear this and go back to the olden days of owning an iPhone 4. All of Touchè’s albums are individually great, but this one earns the badge of “Instant Classic”.

Play It Again: “Pathfinder”
Skip It: “Crutch”