NEW YORK — New research funded by Fortune 500 CEOs revealed that improving work-life balance will decrease the size of your schlong, which prompted many business leaders to encourage you to go back to the office right now.
“We’ve already said that working from home is bad for your health and career, and if that’s not enough to get you back, then guess what? It also makes your pecker tiny and useless,” said Goldman Sachs CEO David Solomon, who helped commission the study by tossing a duffel bag of money to some researchers in a parking lot. “We worked with a sample size of five dudes we found smoking in a Target parking lot, and the study found that your penis shrinks one inch for every hour of life you get back by working remotely. Some dicks disappeared entirely. Come back, because we care about your manhood. This has nothing to do with real estate investments, or fears that giving workers independence makes us less rich.”
Workers responded by suddenly jumping on the “return to office” train..
“I wasn’t concerned when studies said that working from home negatively impacts mental health, but I can’t risk suddenly waking up with a chode down there,” reported project manager Benjamin Hayes. “I usually get frustrated when CEOs comment on remote work. They assume we’re napping and smoking weed all day, when really we’re using our extra scraps of time to do chores. But once my Johnson gets involved, it’s a different ballgame. My wife will also return to the office, so I won’t catch any second-hand dick-shrinking effects from her.”
In a press briefing, President Biden stressed his commitment to keeping workers’ dongs big and swinging.
“It’s essential that people return to the office to retain the size of their cocks, Jack. Our economy depends on people putting on their dumb little button-down shirts and driving to work in a dangerous sleep-deprived state each morning. So get back out there and choke on traffic fumes in a depressing sea of cars, wondering why our species bothered to evolve and come out of the ocean for this,” said Biden. “Your girth depends on it. Also, we have nothing else to do with these office buildings. We’ve put people on the moon, but turning office space into much-needed affordable housing is just too hard.”
At press time, CEOs recommend relieving stress by blowing what little money is available on some new business casual clothing.