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After 30 Plus Years, Captain Planet Finally Just Says “Fuck It, We’re Toast”

COLUMBUS, Ohio – Superhero and crusader for the environment Captain Planet is reportedly ready to throw in the towel on his quest to conserve nature’s infinite beauty, several smog-induced hacking sources report.

“I used everything you people love to warn you that we’ll be fucked if we didn’t start taking climate change seriously,” a very frustrated Captain Planet said. “I had a TV show, a catchy theme song, plenty of merchandising, but no, you still continued not giving a shit. You just had to drive your big trucks, just had to have your cheap factory farm meat, and just couldn’t live without your precious gas stoves. Fuck it, we deserve this. The Planeteers are all assholes now anyways and sold out to big oil years ago, so extra fuck them.”

Gaia’s orderly Gretchen McDaniels expressed concern about the painful toll Captain Planet’s giving up has taken on the Mother of Earth.

“Gaia had been in poor health for several decades, but ever since the Captain lost all interest in saving the planet, her health took a dramatic turn for the worse. No one wants to see their kid abandon all hope like that,” McDaniels explained. “Now she’s on life support, and we’re not sure how much longer she’ll make it. And I’m not sure how all of us are going to pull through when the preserver of harmony, peace and life on Earth passes.”

Professor of Cartoon Propaganda at Harvard University Dr. Herbert Eastman expects to see more apathetic educational characters come forward.

“Unfortunately, when all that fame and fortune ran out for some of these PSA cartoon characters, so did their ability to give a shit,” Dr. Eastman explained. “The most recent and possibly the most tragic story of them all is that of Smokey the Bear. The dude warned us repeatedly about forest fires, but it seemed like a big joke to everyone. After not being taken seriously, Smokey said ‘to hell with it’ years ago and now look, the entire planet is on fire. He even wore pants out of decency, he didn’t have to do that, he’s a bear.”

At press time, Captain Planet was spotted looking for other planets that aren’t “festering shitholes” to protect, and eventually call home.