MINNEAPOLIS — Local man Greg Johannssen claims it’s too early in the year for Starbucks to release pumpkin spice flavored drinks despite the fact his refrigerator is already fully stocked with Oktoberfest beers, sources close to the situation confirmed.
“Every year they start this shit earlier and earlier! It’s hot enough for my balls to stick to my leg, so why is Starbucks acting like we’re supposed to be cavorting through apple orchards in tweed jackets with pumpkin spice lattes in hand? This is the time of year for refreshing beverages like the Oktoberfest lagers like the ones taking up my entire basement fridge, those never go out of style,” said Johannssen. “Last I checked, pumpkin spice should be hitting mid-October at best. The brown nectar of the gods that are Oktoberfest beers can be enjoyed any time, and the fact I go feral every time the local breweries roll them out doesn’t change the fact that seasonal food should be timed with the actual seasons.”
Johannssen’s girlfriend has taken the brunt of his ranting despite calling him out numerous times.
“Nobody has to convince me to buy pumpkin spice anything, but I guess Greg has some strong opinions about my pumpkin spice little treat because he’s been going on about the sanctity of the seasons for hours now. But this is also the same guy who left in the middle of my niece’s baptism because he found out his favorite brewery dropped his favorite mäzen lager,” said Katie Lee. “How can he think getting blackout drunk on Oktoberfest beers on a Wednesday afternoon is more acceptable than one flavored coffee? At least he’s not into IPA’s or I’d have definitely left him by now.”
The Starbucks marketing team pointed out that they’d have to be instance to not lean into pumpkin spice as early as possible.
“Oh it’s absolutely true we’re pushing pumpkin spice products slightly earlier each year, because we make a shit load of money off of it and we are hoping some of the people boycotting us will throw a few dollars our way. Hell, we’d sell it all year round if we could but then it wouldn’t be special. But white middle class women love it more than sex so fuck it, it’s here in mid-August,” said executive Mark Stroud. “We understand that this product makes a lot of insecure men very angry for no reason, but we can’t let that deter us from padding our bottom line.”
As of press time, Johannssen’s girlfriend caught him red handed drinking a winter ale after complaining about stores already putting out Christmas decorations.
Svën is Ren’s cousin and has achieved a physical build identical to Stimpy. He also likes to show off his collection of used band-aids upon meeting new people. There’s just no way this European dog has any clue what’s going on behind the scenes at Nickelodeon. He’s more interested in adding to his jar of spit as a hobby.
Powdered Toast Man was the superhero we didn’t know we didn’t need. He may have a stature that would be feared among inferior breakfast foods and villainous sycophants like Schneider, but unfortunately this anthropomorphic slice of bread is oblivious to his surroundings at all times.
Stinky is a species of flatulence. More specifically, he is Stimpy’s “fart child.” If parents can’t handle child-free adults referring to their pets as their children then they’re going to have a mental breakdown when they find out who Stimpy considers his offspring. But that’s beside the point. We all know intestinal gasses can’t distinguish between good and despicable behavior.
This woman once saved Ren’s life by administering CPR on him, so we know she does the right thing and therefore likely didn’t know about Schneider or else she would’ve thrown her personal elephant at him.
The walrus has experienced severe trauma after being held captive by Mr. Horse. If he had seen anything, he likely would have told castmates to “call the police.”
This codger has a lot of tales to tell and he mostly regales them as body parts casually slide off of him. He’s the kind of guy everyone avoids in the office so there’s no way anyone would let him in on this Schneider thing and he’d never figure it out himself.
“The Ren and Stimpy Show” is not short of deranged mythological creatures. This one-eyed elf lives in Stimpy’s bellybutton and often transforms into a massive porkchop named Adonis. Judging by Jerry’s off-grid anatomical dwelling situation, it is doubtful he had any idea of the Nickelodeon situation.
Jasper wears a lot of hats on the show. However, none of his parts are very juicy so he’s not really on set enough to witness Schneider’s misconduct. Justice for Jasper.
Anthony is a 10-year-old who is a fan of Ren and Stimpy as an on-screen comedic duo. However, his fandom comes into question when Anthony finds Ren taking a dump. Up until that point, he hadn’t realized that actors have bowel movements. This kid has just not yet made it to the stage of life where you mentally comprehend “inappropriate and misconduct allegations.”
This Lummox’s vocabulary is extremely underdeveloped. His favorite food is meat and his favorite drink is meat. You could tell Kowalski to his face exactly what Dan Schneider had been doing on the set and he still wouldn’t know what was going on.
Ghosts are typically confined to one particular house to do their hauntings. Chances are Dan Schneider didn’t pull his weird shit at strangers’ houses so this ghost doesn’t know a damn thing.
As their not so subtle names suggest, these men are just not on the ball. They’re also law enforcement so they definitely have no idea what’s going on.
This baboon may be aggressive, violent, and currently foaming at the mouth, but it doesn’t seem to have cognitive or critical thinking skills. Any misconduct he would’ve seen on set would have just gone over his head. This primate is much more interested in chewing on the full torso skin of a domesticated cat.
Waffle Woman is the arch nemesis of Powdered Toast Man and hellbent on revenge. She’s too focused on thwarting bread-based superheroes to know what’s going on behind the scenes at Nickelodeon.
The Fire Chief is psychotic and often speaks in a rhythm that seems like he’s at his breaking point, just like many characters on this children’s show. Firefighters usually do the right thing, but you can never tell for sure when it comes to anyone in the “Ren and Stimpy” universe.
