Bullshit: I Broke Three Windows and Stone Cold Steve Austin Still Hasn’t Shown Up

Posted on by Kyle Sekaquaptewa

For millions of kids who grew up in the 90’s, the sound of shattering glass could only mean one thing: An appearance by WWE legend Stone Cold Steve Austin followed soon afterward by a beer-soaked ass whooping. The other day I was craving some ’90s nostalgia so I waked up to my bathroom window and smashed that shit with my fists. However, I was shocked when, not only did his unmistakable theme music not play, but the Rattlesnake didn’t show up in my bathroom! Am I doing something wrong? Was the prophecy a lie???

All I know is now I’ve broken three windows and Stone Cold Steve Austin still hasn’t shown up!

I don’t feel like I’m asking for too much here. I just want to see a bald man in jean shorts storm into the building, stomp a few mud holes, and if he has time, walk them dry. But I’ve been pouring Budweisers onto my face for an hour and I haven’t even heard a single ‘Hell Yeah!’

What is Austin’s deal? I’m starting to think he might be full of shit. But, like, please don’t tell him I said that.

I know what you’re thinking- Stone Cold Steve Austin is a retired professional wrestler and expecting him to show up any time a pane of glass shatters is completely ridiculous. Oh yeah? Well then how come last year when my buddy hit a guy with his car, The Undertaker showed up almost immediately. And that guy is old as shit! Seriously, he looked like he was 80 and had lost about 200 pounds, but The Dead Man still rolled out of the grave to make an appearance!

All I’m asking is to feel some of that excitement I felt as a kid every time Steve Austin stepped into the ring. Wrestling was a big part of my childhood and looking back at those memories helps bring me at least a little closer to the last time I was truly happy and content with the world. I know it sounds silly but it’s just a nice thought, ya know? Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna start making The Rock-themed recipes from The WWE cookbook and just see what happens.

Battle With All-Powerful Being Hopefully Midway Point of JRPG

Posted on by Jimmy Beliakoff

IOWA CITY, Iowa — After weeks spent battling her way through hundreds of random encounters and grinding levels for her entire party of adventurers in a new JRPG, Chrissy Meyer finally found herself locked in battle with an all-powerful god, which she hoped meant she was around halfway through the game.

“He’s called The Universe Devourer, and in the lore is considered to be the most powerful being in existence,” explained Meyer, going into detail about the high stakes and tension surrounding the fight, “so that probably means I’ve only got another 60 hours or so left in the story after I beat him. It’s nice to reach this milestone. It’s already been a week since I got to the part where the heroes had to deflect a continent-sized asteroid to save humanity.”

Meyer’s friends and family were relieved to learn of her steady progress.

“I was starting to think it would be months before I got some time on the PS4,” said Meyer’s boyfriend, Dave Nelson, looking wistfully at their shared television. “I haven’t played this one, but it seems like the rest will be pretty straightforward. After she kills the unkillable ancient god, my best guess is that she’ll just have to tie up all 19 main characters’ backstories, and then probably time travel a bit, get betrayed by somebody in the party that has secretly been an even older unkillable ancient god this whole time, and then kill them. And for me, that means Monster Hunter: Iceborne is just a few short weeks away!”

At press time, Meyer was on her twelfth attempt at the boss fight, having only succeeded in surviving its very first attack a total of two times.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Gorillaz Spark Outrage by Replacing Cartoon Bassist with the General

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

LONDON — Virtual alt-rock band Gorillaz sparked outrage last week by replacing long-time cartoon bassist Murdoc Niccals with the General, the animated spokesperson of The General Auto Insurance company.

“I want to state for the record — just because we added a cartoon mascot of an American insurance company to our band despite his total lack of music ability, doesn’t make us sellouts,” explained former Blur vocalist and Gorillaz mastermind Damon Albarn. “I also want to address the rumors regarding the General handing me a burlap sack with a huge dollar sign on it before every show: while it is true, he does this for unrelated reasons that I can’t elaborate on further. Yes, that’s it.”

London-based music producer Edwin Byrne grew concerned working with the new lineup.

“The General obviously never touched a bass before — he’d strum and call it a ‘newfangled music doohickey.’ Damon was clearly pissed, but for some reason never said anything,” said Byrne. “The General also interrupted recording a bunch to rap his commercial jingle. He’s lucky I respect the brave men and women of the armed forces. Otherwise, I would’ve kicked him out right there.”

Allegedly, live shows have also been particularly difficult for the band, according to recent concert attendee Isabel Read.

“Shaquille O’Neal was a special guest the night I saw them, but the General introduced him as ‘…the big fella you know from our really popular commercials.’ No, asshole, we know him from his hall-of-fame NBA career and the movie ‘Kazaam.’ Not your cheap-ass car insurance,” said Read. “And for the band’s encore, you’d think they’d play one of their big hits, like ‘Feel Good Inc.’ or something. But instead, the General did an a capella cover of ‘the Ballad of the Green Berets,’ and he had to keep stopping because his mustache would get stuck in the mic. I get that he’s from the Army or whatever, but it totally sucked the air out of the room.”

Although the General declined to comment about his new position, he did release the following statement through his lawyer: “For a great low rate you can get online, go to the General and save some time!”

SNL Intern Forced to Comb Through 600 5-Hour Long Podcast Episodes After Hiring Gamer Comedian

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

NEW YORK — Saturday Night Live production intern Christine Price is reportedly being forced to listen to 600 episodes of the podcast The Video Game Guys And A Girl after one of the six co-hosts was hired to replace Shane Gillis as a cast member earlier today and needed to be vetted.

“I’m losing my fucking mind,” Price said, according to those familiar with the situation. “I think it’s ridiculous that we didn’t vet Shane before hiring him on the show, and I agree that what he said was racist, but this is too much. I’m 19 hours in, around the end of episode four, and so far it has exclusively been a dry conversation about just the clothing design of Metal Gear Solid 4. At this point, I’d welcome some racist impressions just for a change of pace.”

“And they told me which host they hired, who is supposedly a beloved comedian outside of this podcast, but I still haven’t figured out which of the five white guy voices I’m listening to is his,” Price continued. “Hell, I thought there were only two guys for the first 15 hours! At least if it was the one girl, I’d be able to differentiate.”

As of press time, Price admitted that, while her job may be miserable, at least she doesn’t have it as bad as the NBC page tasked with watching every single one of the new hire’s Twitch streams.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Julian Assange Enters U.S. and Immediately Gets 6-Star Wanted Level

Posted on by M.J. Amory

WASHINGTON — Founder of WikiLeaks Julian Assange immediately received a 6-star ‘wanted’ level after crossing the United States border, drawing all manners of law enforcement, in a historic first for an information publisher. 

“Tanks were rolling down the street and helicopters were screaming overhead as police officers and a SWAT team ran towards who I thought was David Letterman,” said onlooker Geraldine Macintosh. “The officers kept insisting this was for my own safety and protection, but to be honest it made me uncomfortable. Like, even as a supporter of Assange’s work, I don’t mind him eating a little pavement to keep him humble cause he is a smug bastard. But the guy’s pretty frail and he didn’t even pull someone out of a car before stealing it!” 

That sentiment was not universal as other residents of the capital cheered the strong government response while dodging cop cars speeding down the street with reckless abandon. 

“Everyone knows the US law enforcement rating system,” shouted Chris Profaci as he dodged a swarm of little red lights that appeared briefly on his person. “Assange tried to undermine the United States’ ability to secretly take over other countries and that’s even worse than, like, destroying a helicopter. And he didn’t even fight back, he just laid there. He could have at least stolen some guns or spawned a tank. What a loser.” 

In an attempt to appease those concerned about over the top law enforcement infringing on their rights, the Attorney General sent out a memo to border patrol agents to stop using rocket launchers.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Unclear if Wait Staff Being so Mean Is Part of Diner’s Theme

Posted on by Malcolm Whitfield

SOMERVILLE, Mass. — Patrons of the Davis Square landmark Sue’s Diner are still uncertain whether the staff are paid to be jerks, or if that is just their natural demeanor, sources still waiting for their coffee confirmed.

“I was standing next to the ‘Please Wait to Be Seated’ sign for at least two minutes before a very rough looking woman told me, ‘Stop standing around like some sort of chowderhead and take a goddamn seat,’” said first-time customer Andy Belkins. “Then she told me I’d have to sit in one of the booths because she wasn’t confident their chairs were strong enough to hold a man of my size, and that she didn’t need ‘some tubby bastard with bacon for brains running to a lawyer.’”

Other patrons were equally alarmed by the poor service and rude comments, but tried to make the best of it.

“It sort of reminded me of my bachelorette party, when this bartender made me and my bridesmaids paper hats that said ‘slut’ on them… but when my waiter called me and my seven-year-old daughter ‘dumb sluts,’ it wasn’t as fun,” said Amy Clark, who stopped at the diner before taking her kid to the Museum of Science. “At one point, I dropped my knife on the ground, and when I asked for a new one, he told me the thing was probably never clean to begin with and ‘to use my hands like the pig that I am.’ Which doesn’t even make sense — pigs don’t have hands.”

Members of the waitstaff, however, admitted that sometimes they can be a bit short with customers.

“You have to understand that the people who come in here really are from the very shallow end of a smelly gene pool. They are what stand between me and my next cigarette break,” said longtime Sue’s Diner employee Jeanette Horrigan. “Then they have the nerve to leave exact change on their bill, even though I made sure to tell their spouses that they could do better super quietly under my breath when they weren’t looking. I don’t know what this world is coming to.”

Yelp has temporarily suspended reviews for Sue’s Diner after falsely assuming the thousands of negative reviews were due to a coordinated attack by members of the alt-right.

37-Year-Old Positive That White Studded Belt Will Be Back in Style Any Day Now

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

ANAHEIM, Calif. — 37-year-old web developer and former Fashioncore devotee Kelvin Robbins once again today chose against donating his white studded belt to Goodwill, due to his firm belief that the early 2000s trend will soon be back in style, embarrassed sources confirmed.

“Yeah, this thing has been in the back of my closet for almost 15 years, but it’s the only belt that’ll look right with my Saucony shoes when everybody starts wearing those again. My wife thinks it’s ridiculous, but I’m not going to march into a Hot Topic and drop $35 on a new one in six months,” said Robbins while preparing a bi-annual Goodwill box. “Last year, she made me throw out my JNCOs… and those are coming back at nearly $250. So who looks like a ‘total dumbass drowning in a sea of denim’ now?”

Robbins’ wife Carey Ramos believes this is all due to her husband’s overwhelming nostalgia about the “glory days” of Orange County hardcore.

“We met at a diner after a Bleeding Through show, so I have a lot of fond memories of those days, too — his jeans were so skinny he had to eat standing up. It was cute. But that was back then,” said the mother of two middle school-aged children. “It is nice to have a father that can help his daughter with eyeliner, but he came home the other day saying there was a sale on black and purple hair dye at Walgreens and that ‘it’d be a shame to let it all go to waste.’ I should’ve seen this coming when I caught him blasting Atreyu by himself in the garage last month.”

However, eBay analyst Trevor Potter applauded Robbins’ commitment to past fashion choices.

“This happens all the time with guys in their mid-30s: they start to get a bit of a belly, they look at these old photos in which they were thin as a rail and just destroying people in the pit, and they think that’s when they peaked. And with a lot of these guys, they’re absolutely right,” said Potter. “Now? They never go to shows, and spend most of their time online looking up old Chain Reaction flyers and first pressings of hot pink 18 Visions albums. As sad as it may be to watch, I wouldn’t have a job if it weren’t for these dudes, so more power to them.”

At press time, Ramos was heard vehemently defending her choice to keep her large collection of humorous trucker hats.

Five Ways to Let Your Waitress Know You Also Used to Work in the Food Industry

Posted on by Dom Turek

Going out to eat with friends or family who’ve never worked in food service can be humiliating. As they talk among each other and idly look over the menu like a bunch of corporate stooges, you should be devising a plan to let your server know you also used to work in the industry. Letting the staff in on this easter egg of information builds camaraderie and lets them know they can rely on you in the case of a restaurant emergency. As someone with years of experience telling people I used to wait tables, I’ve compiled a list to help you use your brief stint in the food industry as an excuse to bond with your server.

  1. BODY LANGUAGE

The moment a member of your dinner party does something embarrassing, like tells the waitress they’re allergic to peanuts or asks about the specials, interject with an eye roll or exasperated sigh that let’s her know you also once worked at your uncle’s restaurant for a summer in 2012.

  1. STACKING

When the members of your dinner party nearly done, or even partially finished, collect the plates and place the teetering stack on an adjacent table to signify you’re finished, or as they say in the restaurant industry, finito. In the restaurant biz, time is money, and if she’s half the waitress you were she’ll want to maintain a fast turnover rate.

  1. WHERE DID SHE GO?

It’s been about five minutes and she hasn’t come by for the plates. Also, your water is low and you’ve resorted to chewing on the ice for hydration. She’s probably got her hands full with the dinner rush, but you’d never leave a stack of plates sitting that long, and come to think of it she never brought out the extra side of ranch dressing you asked for.

  1. SERIOUSLY WHERE THE HELL IS SHE?!

The stack of plates is starting to smell and you’ve already shredded your napkin into a thousand tiny pieces anxiously awaiting the waitress’ return. It’s not that you mind the mess, but it must be in violation of some kind of health code, right? You’re just looking out for the restaurant.

  1. Well This is just Unprofessional. 

Still no sign of her. Maybe she stepped out for a smoke break? As a former nicotine-addicted waitress, you totally get it. Those were the days, but you like to think you maintained a higher degree of professionalism. Maybe a good old 5% tip will tell her to straighten out and fly right. Probably best to grab the plates yourself and bring them back to the kitchen. While you’re there you might as well start delivering any food orders she’s left in the window and start taking drink orders.

New Leaf Villagers Draw Lots to Decide Who to Sacrifice to Ensure Good Harvest

Posted on by Gabie Barnes

STONEYVILLE— Animal residents from the quiet village of Stoneyville gathered in the town square to participate in the annual ritual to decide who will be sacrificed to the gods of nature in order to ensure a good harvest for the coming year.

Tom Nook presided over the ceremony, taking a slip of paper out of the box for himself, and then calling villager’s names in alphabetical order to come to the center of the square and grab a slip of paper. Nook had taken over as the village’s mayor after the previous one was chosen to be sacrificed during last year’s lottery.

“Obviously the loss of our last mayor still weighs heavy on some of us,” said Mayoral Assistant Isabelle, her eyes welling with tears. “But every three days, when fresh fruit appears on the trees regardless of the season, I think of the mayor’s sacrifice and what it means to our town.”

“Nook’s doing an okay job I suppose,” decided long-time resident Gruff, who has witnessed twenty lotteries over the course of his time in the town. “He passed a pretty unpopular bill a few months ago saying that all home renovations had to be done through a licensed construction company owned by him. Some radicals have suggested a coup, but hopefully the harvest gods, blessed be their name, choose him to be the seed of our next great farming boon.”

After all the pieces of paper had been passed out to the villagers, Nook rang the traditional bell to start the opening ceremony, which revealed that Tom Nook himself had the black dot that signified he would be this years sacrifice. This caused murmurs throughout the town square, as the mayor being chosen for sacrifice two years in a row was unprecedented.

Villagers began to pick up rocks from the pile in the center of the town square and chase Nook through the town. A pretty heavy rock thrown by an unknown assailant hit him squarely in the head, causing him to tumble onto the grass, where he was beset upon by the residents of Stoneyville where his flesh was torn asunder and sewn into the crops around town as per tradition.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Radio Station Still Waiting for Any Calls to Win Trapt Tickets

Posted on by Patrick Crooks

WATERLOO, Iowa — The staff at KFMW Rock 108 have reportedly entered the third hour of waiting to receive a single call to win a pair of tickets to see the hard rock band Trapt as part of the station’s Summer Concert Series Contest.

“Alright, Cedar Rapids, we’re entering another ‘Headstrong’ rockblock… and just a reminder that we still have a pair of tickets to see Trapt at the McGrath Amphitheatre for that lucky fifth caller,” an increasingly concerned DJ Mike Wells announced. “And just to sweeten the pot, we’re going to throw in a couple passes to the KFMW after-party at the Westwood Plaza Buffalo Wild Wings, where the lucky caller and a guest will get to hang out with all your favorite KFMW personalities and the guys from Trapt themselves. You haven’t missed out yet, so please give us a ring.”

Much to the staff’s chagrin, the bonus items still haven’t spurred any interest, as the phone remains silent. Producer Amy Weston tried to offer guidance.

“I’ve been at the station for 10 years, and I can say with absolute certainty this has never happened before,” the veteran producer reported as she tried to segue into the next segment. “Occasionally, with older bands or one-hit wonders, we don’t get many calls… but usually someone will call in to make a request and we’ll just give the tickets to that person. In this case, it’s almost as if people are going out of their way to not call in.”

Weston claimed that, in the three hours since the contest began, the only calls received were a personal call for the receptionist and a call for the ad-sales team — all of whom politely declined the tickets. At this point, Weston seems likely to scrap the promotion.

“I’ve been waiting to call in for their ‘15 Seconds of Fame’ segment, but they keep dragging out this concert promotion,” said Rachel Hewitt as she listened from her car. “I only remember that one song, ‘Blurry,’ from when I was in high school. I’m sure they’re nice guys and all, but hanging out at Buffalo Wild Wings with a nü-metal band isn’t really my idea of a prize.”

At press time, Wells thanked Trapt for stopping by the studio as they moved into a commercial.

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