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Unclear if Wait Staff Being so Mean Is Part of Diner’s Theme

SOMERVILLE, Mass. — Patrons of the Davis Square landmark Sue’s Diner are still uncertain whether the staff are paid to be jerks, or if that is just their natural demeanor, sources still waiting for their coffee confirmed.

“I was standing next to the ‘Please Wait to Be Seated’ sign for at least two minutes before a very rough looking woman told me, ‘Stop standing around like some sort of chowderhead and take a goddamn seat,’” said first-time customer Andy Belkins. “Then she told me I’d have to sit in one of the booths because she wasn’t confident their chairs were strong enough to hold a man of my size, and that she didn’t need ‘some tubby bastard with bacon for brains running to a lawyer.’”

Other patrons were equally alarmed by the poor service and rude comments, but tried to make the best of it.

“It sort of reminded me of my bachelorette party, when this bartender made me and my bridesmaids paper hats that said ‘slut’ on them… but when my waiter called me and my seven-year-old daughter ‘dumb sluts,’ it wasn’t as fun,” said Amy Clark, who stopped at the diner before taking her kid to the Museum of Science. “At one point, I dropped my knife on the ground, and when I asked for a new one, he told me the thing was probably never clean to begin with and ‘to use my hands like the pig that I am.’ Which doesn’t even make sense — pigs don’t have hands.”

Members of the waitstaff, however, admitted that sometimes they can be a bit short with customers.

“You have to understand that the people who come in here really are from the very shallow end of a smelly gene pool. They are what stand between me and my next cigarette break,” said longtime Sue’s Diner employee Jeanette Horrigan. “Then they have the nerve to leave exact change on their bill, even though I made sure to tell their spouses that they could do better super quietly under my breath when they weren’t looking. I don’t know what this world is coming to.”

Yelp has temporarily suspended reviews for Sue’s Diner after falsely assuming the thousands of negative reviews were due to a coordinated attack by members of the alt-right.