Colynemery, Author at HARDTIMES

Anxious Woman Weighs All Possible Outcomes Before Ultimately Doing Nothing

Posted on March 7, 2020 by Taylor Roebuck

DETROIT — Local woman and anxiety-haver Amanda Hamilton was spotted yesterday weighing all possible options for her evening plans before ultimately deciding to do nothing at all, exasperated sources confirm.

“I only get one night off a week, and I want to be absolutely sure I’m maximizing my fun,” said Hamilton. “My friend from college is having a party, but it’s too far to walk, so I’d have to take an Uber by myself. And there’s a show at PJ’s, but the last time I was there the bartender didn’t see the $5 I left him, so I’m pretty sure he hates me now.”

Friends of Hamilton say that this sort of behavior is a routine occurrence and negatively impacts her social life.

“It doesn’t surprise me at all that she bailed last night. One time, I let her pick the movie when we went to the theater, and she took so long to decide that the only one left was the midnight showing of ‘Maze Runner 2: The Scorch Trials,’” said Katie Lopez, Hamilton’s friend who hosted last night’s party. “I’ll bet she was worried about taking an Uber by herself. I tried to tell her to stop listening to all those true crime podcasts; it’s making it worse.”

Hamilton’s parents confirmed that her anxiety has been an ongoing issue for her whole life.

“Oh, our little Mandy has always had trouble with making decisions,” said Margie Hamilton, Amanda’s mother. “Her dad and I were called into her school once when she was in fifth grade. They found her curled up under her desk after trying to finish a multiple-choice test — she passed out from exhaustion after bubbling in the first question. Poor little thing tuckered herself out.”

At press time, Hamilton was seen finishing a full face of makeup, but once again changing her mind after being unable to decide on an outfit.

D&D Player Argues Their Roll Still Counts After Die Goes Through Rube Goldberg Machine

Posted on March 7, 2020 by Pat Cavanaugh

CHICAGO — Dungeons & Dragons player Joanna Bateman claimed her natural 20 should be recognized even though the die went through a Rube Goldberg machine before landing, sources in their campaign say.

“It’s very frustrating to have such a clutch roll thrown out on a technicality,” said Bateman, a level 5 halfling monk. “What difference does it make if the die took 20 minutes to land on a number? Chance still played a major factor in the outcome, if not more of a factor.”

Bateman was performing a deception check on a jail guard when her d20 fell off the table and into a bucket. The bucket then tilted down, depositing the die into a Hot Wheels convertible.

The toy car then slid down a ramp and crashed into a domino, simultaneously catapulting the die forward and knocking down a row of dominoes that ended on one with an attached knife. The domino with the knife cut the wound-up string of a home-made spoon catapult just as the die landed in the spoon, launching the die through the air.

A cuckoo clock chimed to mark the hour as the die soared, and the fake cuckoo bird that shot out of the clock interrupted the die’s flight. The die rolled back onto the table in front of Bateman, showing a natural 20.

“But there was nothing natural about it,” Mark Francis contested. “As the dungeon master, it’s my job to ensure the integrity of the simulated world we’re imagining together. It’s one thing for the die to fall off the table or knock into a beer can. It’s another for it to go through an admittedly fun series of needlessly complex and unrelated devices before landing.”

Sources say Bateman finally agreed to a reroll after Francis made it clear he wouldn’t budge, annoying others in the party.

“Joanna just needed one good deception check to convince this guard that her character was the daughter of the king. The natural 20 was an amazing end to a tense conversation” said party-member Brian Akins. “If you’re going to disqualify rolls that go through your Rube Goldberg machine, maybe you should take it down when you have us over to play.”

At press time, Francis has vehemently refused to dismantle his Rube Goldberg machine for future sessions, insisting that it is a collectible and not a toy to be played with.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Photo by Joe Tilleli.

We Traveled to Korea to Interview Psy, It Turns out There Are Two Koreas and We Are in a Lot of Trouble

Posted on March 7, 2020 by Dan Kozuh

We haven’t heard new music from Korean pop sensation PSY in two years and we wanted to see what he was up to. I convinced the editors at The Hard Times to send me and a camera crew to interview the musician. They agreed and I immediately bought a ticket to the capital, Pyongyang.

Guys, did you know there is a NORTH and a SOUTH Korea?! You’d think people would talk more about that. Well imagine my embarrassment when I found that out, my face was so red.

We landed in Pyongyang and started filming B-Roll, before we knew it, we were surrounded by guys with guns telling us to get on the ground. At first I thought that Korea was just different than what they depicted in K-Pop videos. That’s when we found out we were in the wrong Korea. The really wrong one. Our equipment was seized, we were thrown in prison, and we are really not sure what is about to happen to us.

We did meet a nice man named Yi in our prison cell that spoke a little English. It turns out THIS Korea is ruled by an eccentric dictator lady named Kim and she isn’t very fond of Westerners. I can’t believe media outlets are just ignoring this. PSY should do a concert to promote awareness about the situation here.

I asked Yi if he had heard of PSY but he had not. Seems like North Koreans kinda do their own thing. I taught him the Gungam Style dance, which passed some time. I also explained the plot of Parasite to Yi but he didn’t seem to get it.

So instead of interviewing PSY, we are being interviewed by military folk who insist that we are American spies. They did something on my camera guy called ‘waterboarding’ and he did not like it at all. This place is awful, no wonder no one knows about it.

We really hope to meet PSY after our 5 years in a labor camp. Or maybe he can put in a good word for us with that Kim lady.

California Basement Show Held In Garage

Posted on March 7, 2020 by Eric D

PACIFICA, Calif. — Show promoters upset potential attendees last week by billing a show held in a garage at street level as a “basement show,” multiple sources trying to figure out what the fuck is going on confirmed.

“I moved to the Bay from Boston a few years back, and I miss some of the basement shows we used to have in Allston, so I was psyched for this,” said punk transplant Jemina Boldt. “I brought a 30-rack of beer and walked around the back of the house, looking for the basement door or bulkhead, but there was nothing. I felt like a fucking moron. It turns out everyone was around front, in the goddamn garage. No dirt floor, no water heater, no low ceilings where the insulation falls down the back of your shirt and makes you all itchy. It was bullshit.”

Rory Yates, the show’s primary booker, defended the basement show’s labeling.

“I don’t see what’s so hard to comprehend here. It’s clearly not a house show — you can see that, right? It’s kind of outside, it’s not climate controlled, and we store stuff out there,” an angry Yates stated. “Have you ever heard of a fucking ‘garage show?’ No, because it sounds fucking stupid. So I called it a basement show because that’s what it is. Nobody is allowed in the house so the cat won’t get out, and if you need to shit, then drive to the Taco Bell down by the beach.”

“And, yeah, we have to work around the car that’s parked in there. It’s my dad’s, and I don’t know where he hid the keys,” he added. “If anyone dents that thing, I’m fucking dead meat.”

For their part, bands playing the show admitted that the garage was a welcome surprise.

“I’ve played a lot of basement shows, and it usually means you’re lugging a bass cab down a rickety set of stairs and playing in a smelly room lit by a single string of Christmas lights,” said Samara Reed, vocalist of touring punk band Face Eraser. “Playing in a full garage is way better than the ‘basement’ show we played in St. Louis, which was actually just a crawl space. None of us could stand up, and a family of raccoons living there bit our bass player pretty fucking bad.”

Meanwhile, in nearby San Francisco, another promoter faced criticism for promoting a “Comedy Show” that only featured improv.

Campaign Staff Begging Joe Biden to Stop Mashing Through Dialogue Options

Posted on March 7, 2020 by Jimmy Beliakoff

PHILADELPHIA — Staffers within the Joe Biden presidential campaign are reportedly begging the former Vice President to stop mashing the A-button through all of his dialogue options, according to increasingly frustrated sources.

“This has gotten so far out of hand,” lamented Kate Bedingfield, Biden’s communications director and deputy campaign manager. “The man gets in front of a microphone and just starts hammering buttons with reckless abandon. We keep telling him if he doesn’t listen carefully to all of the voice lines and assess the different choices in his dialogue trees, he’s just going to keep missing a ton of important plot points and throwing word salad at the voters, but he refuses to listen! We’ve even tried calling his antics ‘malarkey’ but that had seemingly no effect.”

“If we just skip through all the dialogue now,” Bedingfield continued, “we’re not gonna have any idea what to do once we get control during the presidency.”

Despite the best efforts of the campaign staff, many voters don’t mind Biden’s strange manner of speaking.

“I personally find it kind of endearing,” said one of Biden’s supporters at a recent rally. “I too find myself dumbstruck by the simplest of thought processes, so when I see our would-be president floundering, it makes me feel like I’m one of— becoming the— the thing about— and also— but Bernie Sanders— entirely false!”

With the race narrowing to just two major candidates, the Biden staff is scrambling to find a solution.

“We’ve obviously been trying to get it under control, but we have options if this continues,” explained campaign manager Greg Schultz. “It’s no secret that Bernie Sanders’ campaign has a lot of appeal to the youth vote. We’re looking into ways to leverage Joe’s hatred of thinking critically and marketing him to a variety of younger demographics, like people that primarily play Uncharted. Lot’s of younger people can relate to the idea of figuring everything out on the fly, and Joe doesn’t even plan what he’s going to say while he’s saying it.”

As of press time, the Biden campaign was gearing up for their next town hall, in which they have instructed audience members to say, “Did you get all that?” after asking their question.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Austin Native Remembers When Cooler Viruses Used to Hit SXSW

Posted on March 6, 2020 by The Hard Times Staff

AUSTIN, Texas — Austin native Trevor Conley lamented the sudden cancelation of SXSW claiming the long-running tech, music, and film fest used to draw much cooler viruses “back in the day,” concerned sources confirmed.

“Fucking figures some mainstream bullshit pandemic cancels this shit fest,” said Conley while sipping an artisan, small-batch whiskey. “Back in the 90s we just had HPV outbreaks and that was more or less just a badge of honor. Then once herpes started rolling through each year I realized everything was getting too commercial. The coronavirus is just the nail in the coffin. Rest in piss South by.”

Local epidemiologist Dr. Amanda Nguyen admitted that she is not worried about an outbreak, but understands the concern.

“COVID-19 is nothing more than a half-assed SARS. If you really want to talk about a badass disease that didn’t give a shit about anything you should have checked out COVID-18, but I’m guessing you never heard of that,” said Dr. Nguyen. “Personally, I think the Spanish Flu was one of the best of all time. True fans know it as H1N1. I’m hoping that makes a comeback and cancels Coachella.”

SXSW organizers assured everyone that there will be no refunds.

Stoner Immediately Forgets Spoiler

Posted on March 6, 2020 by Taylor Roebuck

DETROIT — Local pothead Sarah Murphy’s distress after encountering a spoiler of a movie she planned on seeing was immediately relieved after she forgot what she’d read just moments later, awe-struck sources confirm.

“It’s so annoying. A movie will be out for 10 minutes and Twitter will be flooded with spoiler-y memes,” said Murphy. “I work at Hungry Howie’s six days a week and I can’t even safely scroll through my timeline while I’m hitting a bowl in my car in between deliveries. Nothing’s sacred anymore, man.”

“Luckily, I totally spaced on whatever it was,” added Murphy. “I feel like it was a sad Keanu thing that might have explained the twist ending or something, but who can be sure?”

This isn’t the first time Murphy’s encountered spoilers, but it is the first time that she’d quickly forgotten what she saw.

“I mean, I don’t think I’ve ever forgotten a spoiler before,” said Murphy. “I do forget other stuff a lot though, too. I’m always running back inside the house because I forgot my wallet or my phone. The other day I ran back in for my keys until I realized I had to unlock the door to get back inside. Hey, do you have anything to drink? My mouth is super dry.”

Jeff Lloyd, a longtime friend of Murphy’s, claims that she has a complicated relationship with spoilers.

“I can understand where she’s coming from. Nothing’s more annoying than waiting forever for a movie and then having the ending ruined for you at the last minute,” said Lloyd. “But she’s overly paranoid about them. I asked her if she’d heard about the coronavirus and she plugged her ears, started yelling, ‘la la la’ and ran away from me. I love her man, but she smokes too much weed.”

At press time, Murphy was holding up the line at the ticket counter struggling to remember what movie she had wanted to see in the first place.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Probation Officer Closest Thing Punk Band Has to Tour Manager

Posted on March 6, 2020 by Ted Pillow

JACKSONVILLE, Fla. — Probation officer Morris Berger is the closest thing struggling punk band Muskrat Funeral has to a tour manager, according to sources who have watched their court-appointed relationship flourish.

“We’d never pull off a tour without Morris,” noted frontman Dale Stewart. “He’s kind of a dick, but he’s really good with promoters, remembering our court dates, and doing paperwork and stuff. Like, we almost booked this show in Fort Lauderdale, but then Morris explained that our drummer can’t be in Broward County because apparently you can’t masturbate in a Home Depot parking lot there. Who knew?”

Although Berger has become essential to Muskrat Funeral, it’s not a responsibility he’s taken on willingly.

“I’m just trying to do my goddamn job, but these kids are fucking idiots,” grunted Berger while smoking a cigar in his cramped, dimly lit office. “I started negotiating better rates for their gigs after I found out they agreed to be paid in Olde English 40s. Apparently I’m the only person in their lives who says things like, ‘Turning 22 doesn’t allow you to legally drink and drive,’ or, ‘You can’t pass a drug test by taking Adderall and pulling an all-nighter.’”

Muskrat Funeral are currently touring northeastern Florida, the only part of the state in which all members are currently allowed, where Berger has done his best to keep the band in check.

“Muskrat Funeral was the first band we’ve ever had whose rider had a list of things they could not have in their dressing room,” said booking agent Dana James. “And they had a great set until the encore went too long, and everybody’s ankle bracelets started buzzing. Then this middle-aged dude that looked like a pissed off gym teacher ran out and was like, ‘Show’s over! Everybody get in the goddamn minivan and don’t give me any shit!’”

As of press time, Berger was driving Muskrat Funeral to their next gig and swearing that if they didn’t stop goofing off and causing a ruckus, he was going to turn the car around right this goddamn minute.

Everyone on Space Flight Murdered by Man’s Emotional Support Xenomorph

Posted on March 6, 2020 by Patrick Crooks

SOMEWHERE BETWEEN EARTH AND LV-462 — The Weyland-Yutani Corporation has found themselves under intense scrutiny after a xenomorph alien slaughtered the passengers and crew of a space transport.

“The irresponsibility of this organization is just staggering,” noted Tom O’Brien, an attorney for the families of the victims. “First of all, who in God’s name picks a creature that would murder one of its own just to escape from a cage? These are violent creatures that, if they don’t just outright kill you, will cocoon you and either turn you into an egg or use you as a host for a forced pregnancy that results in death. At best, these things should have been kept in a pen in the cargo hold. Someone needs to be held accountable.”

Advocates for emotional support animals have attempted to stress that this particular incident is an outlier and not the norm.

“It’s not our place to dictate what people choose as their emotional support animals, whether they be cocker spaniels or hyper-aggressive insectoid aliens,” stated emotional disability advocate Laura Keating. “The airline has a responsibility to its customers to ensure that they are able to fly in comfort and security. Unfortunately, sometimes these incidents are unavoidable. While our hearts are with the victims of this tragedy, we have to keep in mind that the xenomorph was necessary for this passenger to travel safely.”

The xenomorph’s owner, Madison Keely, expressed sympathy to those involved, while defending her right to bring the alpha predator into the passenger cabin.

“Biscuit and I are torn up over this whole incident,” Keely said while dangling a piece of unidentifiable meat in front of the thrashing creature. “Ever since the turbulence on my last flight, I haven’t been able to fly, but thankfully this murderous little goof has been a blessing ever since it burst out of my late husband’s chest. I really wish it hadn’t come to this, but people need to understand that I have to be able to fly in comfort and security and I can’t be held responsible if that means 181 people end up slaughtered.”

Keely ended the interview, stating she was taking Biscuit with her to Starbucks while she worked on her screenplay.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Help! I Got an English Degree and Now I’m the Lead Lyricist for the Wonder Years

Posted on March 6, 2020 by Ish Gupta

Look man, I knew getting a bachelor’s degree in English probably wasn’t gonna be the best use of my time and money. At least as far as finding a job goes. Don’t get me wrong, I actually really like literature and creative writing. When I wasn’t getting high and playing Mario Kart with my roommate Greg, I actually did read part of a lot of the books they assigned me. Sure, I didn’t take any economics or science classes but I got to learn about literary elements of counterculture movements. That’s gotta come in handy at some point, right?

Turns out I was right. Unfortunately, my education came in handy the moment I was handed a diploma and immediately thrust in front of Philadelphia pop punk band The Wonder Years mid-recording session. Help!

I’m definitely trying to focus on the upsides here. For one, I’m gonna go ahead and guess I’m one of the few English graduates actually using their degree. Some of the dudes I graduated with are selling insurance right now. That doesn’t sound fun at all. Meanwhile, I’m diving into Ernest Hemingway’s “The Sun Also Rises” to see if there’s any literary allusions frontman Dan “Soupy” Campbell can make with his charged, yet graceful delivery.

On the other hand, I don’t know how long I can keep this up. These guys are way smarter than me. Remember that album “Suburbia I’ve Given You All And Now I’m Nothing?” The one based off the Allen Ginsberg poem? Yeah, they have four more of those they’re working on RIGHT NOW. One is based off “Montage of a Dream Deferred” by Langston Hughes. They want me to help them write lyrics that combine the experience of black Harlem residents, white flight, and the creation of the suburbs, AND their regular themes of loneliness and disillusionment. What other pop-punk bands are talking about revolutionary black writers? Hell, what pop-punk bands even KNOW any black people??

I think they’re starting to catch on to me. The other day, rhythm guitarist Matt Brasch asked me about John Steinbeck and I totally forgot who he was and started talking about Huckleberry Finn. I think I can maybe keep it going for another 6 months or at least until the new album comes out. Maybe after I can just work some odd jobs and find myself. Hunter S. Thompson did shit like that, right? I need to figure things out, man.

It has been fun though. And hell, if I ever wanna get back into the lyric-writing business, Vampire Weekend is always hiring.

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