The Five Sickest Megadeth Guitar Solos That I’ll List Here Because My Bumble Date Had To Leave Suddenly

Posted on by Steve Packosky

Oh man! My Bumble date with this girl Rachel was going great, but then she looked at her phone and mumbled something about her cat before rushing out of the Buffalo Wild Wings right in the middle of my Dream Theater album ranking. I hope everything’s OK! I could tell she had been super impressed with me ordering the Blazin’ Knockout sauce for my Crispy Chicken Dippers (it’s the hottest sauce on their menu but I usually have no problem with it, and I assured her there was Imodium in the left knee pocket of my cargo shorts if it did cause an emergency), so I know a second date is imminent. I was saving this Megadeth guitar solo ranking for her, but I suppose I’ll just list it here until then.

5.) Looking Down the Cross
This ripper from one of the best songs on their lamentably overlooked debut album is among the sickest solos in their catalog, and Rachel definitely would’ve appreciated hearing about it. Funny, we had been messaging for weeks before our date, and she never mentioned having a cat. I honestly could’ve sworn she said she was allergic? I must be misremembering.

4.) Ashes in Your Mouth
“Countdown to Extinction” is the beginning of the end for Megadeth, in my opinion, but it’s still got some unforgettable tunes, and the solo in this song is definitely one to write home about. Maybe I should text these to Rachel so she can listen in anticipation of our second date. She hasn’t responded to the myriad messages I’ve sent her since she ran off, though.

3.) Set the World Afire
What really sucks is that I was hoping she was going to pay, and maybe give me a lift home. I’ve racked up a serious check with all these Dogfish Heads; not to mention I probably shouldn’t be driving after drinking all of them. Anyway, the solo in “Set the World Afire” fucking rules.

2.) Holy Wars…The Punishment Due
Whaaaa? The ending solo to “Holy Wars” is only Number 2? Yeah, I’m not just another metalhead, and Rachel will likely swoon when she hears this. Speaking of her, didn’t she say she lives alone? If so, who’s texting her about her cat? Weird.

1.) My Last Words
Perhaps the most underrated song in the band’s entire catalog, this one closes out 1986’s “Peace Sells, But Who’s Buying?” perfectly, and honestly, should I call her now or wait a bit to see if her cat’s doing alright? I have a lot more to say on this particular solo, and I’m sure she’d love to hear it.

Entire Town Killed After Installation of Roundabout

Posted on by Zachary Wolf

GRAND JUNCTION, Colo. — The entire population of nearby Mesa Springs was killed after a roundabout was installed in their town, unsurprised sources report.

“I’ve heard of five, ten, twenty people that died in a traffic circle, but never an entire town,” said KOAA News reporter Russ Turnbull while talking into a microphone that wasn’t plugged in. “Mesa Springs was largely a retirement community, and we all know how hard it is for boomers to adapt to new practices and traffic laws. Especially when those practices slightly inconvenience them despite benefitting everyone else. We’re hearing that two cars initially collided in the roundabout, and over the next week the rest of the town plowed into the original wreck. 7,089 people dead because of a circular intersection where drivers simply had to go counterclockwise. Unbelievable.”

Grand Junction’s biggest funeral parlor says business has never been better.

“Like I always say, the best thing for a funeral home is war and traffic circles.” said Eternal Hope funeral home owner Hiram Jessop. “When I first read that they installed the roundabout I thought it might drive up business a little, but never in my wildest dreams did I think it’d bring me an entire town. Heck, I’ve already reached my sales goals for the next eight years because of the Mesa Springs roundabout. Not only that, but my wife is the town florist, so our fortunes have doubled!”

Colorado governor Jared Polis says Mesa Springs isn’t the only town to be wiped off the map due to recent road changes.

“We just got word that Clarkston is no more, thanks to the tragic addition of a zipper merge near a construction site,” said Polis while lighting a cigar with cash. “We mourn these brave souls that were forced to take turns entering a single lane. America was built on the idea that everyone has their own lane to do as they please. So the idea that residents had to share their lanes with others is a stain on our history. And if I’m re-elected I promise that no Coloradoan will ever have to zipper merge or enter a roundabout again for the rest of their lives.”

At press time, a State of Emergency was declared after a new stop sign was installed in Denver.

Environmentalist? This Guy Recycles His Nudes

Posted on by Dom Turek

Major change is the result of millions of seemingly insignificant endeavors converging. As a community, we can minimize waste and conserve natural resources by reducing, reusing, and recycling, so why is this local stud catching so much flak for repurposing old his dick pictures? I think it was Einstein who said, “Great spirits have often faced violent opposition from mediocre minds.”

Next time you feel like coming down on someone because they used the same dick picture to sustain some pretty hot and heavy sexting in their last four relationships, you should take into consideration that 90 percent of jerk-off videos end up in the digital ocean. Do you have any idea how much hydropower goes into cooling the data centers that store your poorly-angled amateur erotica? He even cuts down on physical waste by refusing to use anything in the picture for scale. Sorry, ladies, but this conservation enthusiast won’t be squandering any bananas, rulers, or baby cucumbers in his NSFW content.

Okay, fine. Maybe hearing him moan another woman’s name at the tail end of his nut wasn’t your favorite part of the video, but it’s a small price to pay considering the climatological rewards. A man shouldn’t have to hold up a copy of the Sunday Times when DMing his assplay content. If having to listen to him blurt out “Jessica” instead of “Taylin” before cumming all over his stomach saves even an iota of E-waste, we can all sleep a little easier at night knowing the polar bears might have one more ice cap to rest on.

Some might call his behavior disrespectful, lazy, or even pathological. They might pose the question, “Why don’t you just record a new video since you already spend all day alone jerking off in your room and shoving things in your ass?” Well, maybe while they’re feeling inquisitive, they should also ask Francis Ford Coppola why he didn’t reshoot “The Godfather” because of a continuity error. Sometimes a reshoot just isn’t in the budget.

What his detractors don’t understand is that this recurring video has everything to do with the environment and absolutely nothing to do with the fact that the sun happened to obscure the scarring on the underside of his shaft following a furious bout of poison ivy, or that the glare coming off his widow illuminated his precum in a way that made it look like morning dew dancing atop a four leaf clover, or that for once in his entire life, his balls didn’t look like the grey dangling earlobes of an elderly man. Believe what you want, but this is all in the name of ecological protection.

Punk GPS Says You’re Approximately Five Cigarettes From Your Destination

Posted on by Zachary Wolf

JUPITER, Fla. — A new feature in your vehicle’s GPS now measures distance in the time it would take you to smoke a cigarette, confirmed sources who finally found a benefit of smoking.

“I clicked on something called ‘Punk Mode’ on my GPS app and suddenly it told me I was approximately five cigs from my destination,” you said at a gas station as you bought a pack of cigarettes for the first time. “Then another menu popped up asking me to select my brand and whether I smoke regulars or 100s. It also asked if I chain smoke or if I take a few minutes between. I don’t know much about cigarettes yet but I appreciate the level of detail. I have a trip planned to Arizona next month and the GPS said it’ll take roughly two cartons to get there.”

Your significant other said the distance-in-cigarettes feature isn’t the only quirk about the GPS’s Punk Mode.

“The directions have become horribly inaccurate,” said your better half while wondering why your phone suddenly smells like a wet dog. “Before it used to say things like ‘Turn right on Maplewood Dr.’ and ‘Merge right to stay on Center St.’ But now it gives directions like ‘Turn left where the liquor store used to be.’ and ‘Make a right at the bar where The Casualties played that time.’ Who the hell are the Casualties, and why do I care where they played?”

The CEO of Wherez, the company that provides the GPS app, weighed in.

“That all seems accurate,” said CEO Tam Rinsk while taking in the view from his second story office. “We actually don’t own any GPS satellites floating around in space, so we’re left to bum signals off of bigger, more successful companies. Therefore, we need to use more fluid directions as opposed to actual numbers and distances. So using unintelligible directions like that is actually the perfect way to skirt around that minor detail. Say, you don’t have any GPS satellites we can use, do you?”

At press time, the GPS was seen asking if you had any spare change.

Chill Atomic Scientist Sets Doomsday Clock to 4:20

Posted on by Charles Bill

CHICAGO — The Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists shocked the world today with an announcement that their most chill scientist set the Doomsday Clock to 4:20, confirmed sources.

“Shit’s mad fucked right now,” explained stoner atomic scientist Dr. Olga Lyman as she rolled a blunt on her stomach like an otter. “Fact of the matter is between climate change, nuclear war, rising fascism, and me losing my keys, the world has never been worse off. Things probably won’t last much longer, so just kick back and roast a few bones. That’s what I’ve been doing. Hell I managed to flip some ‘bee with a few college students on the quad. That’s what life’s really about. When the world ends, I’m tryna go out zooted to the upper hemisphere. Ja feel [sic]?”

Although the Doomsday Clock’s time change was lauded by the general public of burnouts, not all of Lyman’s colleagues approved of the change.

“This isn’t something that you can just do unilaterally,” said chairman of the bulletin, Dr. Wesley Jung. “Every change of the clock is done with precise debate about the nature of the world and the state of danger we find ourselves in. Olga just snuck in after ripping a dab and moved it. What’s really frustrating is that we were on the verge of deciding to move the time to half past beer o’clock. We wanted people crushing mad brews while they contemplated dying in nuclear inferno, but instead they’re ripping doinks to it. I’d fire her if she wasn’t my plug.”

Despite the internal conflicts at the bulletin, many have heaped praise upon the time change.

“Let me tell you from personal experience, we are utterly fucked,” explained UN Secretary-General Antonio Guterres. “We’ve tried everything, and nothing is getting better. I think the Doomsday Clock has the exact right idea. Instead of trying to save the Maldives from going under water, we should just grind up a nug, roll up a fatty, and watch the world fall apart in between episodes of ‘Adventure Time.’ It’s over, just try to enjoy the ride. We will now take a vote on Resolution 2899 starting with Afghanistan.”

At press time, the Bulletin of Atomic Scientists was heavily considering changing the clock to digital so it would be easier for people to read.

Trump Lowers Ozempic Cost So SNAP Recipients Can Afford to Suppress Appetite

Posted on by RJ Dralle

WASHINGTON — Yesterday afternoon in the Oval Office, President Trump announced he would be reducing the cost of Ozempic in order for Americans on SNAP benefits to suppress their appetite while the government shutdown continues.

“Thanks to me, no American will feel hungry while the Dumbocrat shutdown continues,” exclaimed President Trump. “When I announced this, just thirty seconds ago, a little girl came up to me. Tears in her eyes, she said to me, ‘Thank you, sir.’ I like it when they call me sir. ‘Thank you, sir, for making me and my family skinnier and hotter than before.’ And let me tell you, she was beautiful! Real island material.”

Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. spoke after the President, applauding his decision. 

“Ozempic has helped me suppress my appetite for canine flesh, so I’m positive this drug will help millions of families get through this tough time too,” claimed Kennedy. “There is no red dye or Tylenol in the shot, so it won’t give your child autism, and I’m told that, if anything, it makes you less vaccinated against Covid. We’re also in talks with the manufacturer to throw a little beef tallow in that bad boy.”

While some critisize Trump’s priorities, many prominent conservative talking heads claim that this move shows Donald Trump is in touch with the American people. 

“This move shows that the President hears you loud and clear,” said Heritage Foundation spokepersom Timmothy Harold in a CNN interview. “He hears you, and boy does he wish you would shut up. If shooting Ozempic makes the average American shut up about not being able to afford food and also makes them a little easier on the eyes, hey, that’s win win.”

At press time, Trump was preoccupied watching a child drown in a lake as he stood motionless. 

Trump Unveils Plan To Unlock SNAP Benefits for the Nation’s Wealthiest 1%

Posted on by Dan Rice

WASHINGTON — In the midst of backlash over the government shutdown and its effects on the country’s neediest citizens, President Trump this morning announced a plan that would unfreeze SNAP benefits exclusively for the nation’s wealthiest individuals.  

“No longer will this great country’s top earners be burdened with having to pay for Little Debbie snack cakes and baby formula out of pocket!” declared Trump in an enthusiastic post to Truth Social. “Instead of squandering these benefits on losers who want handouts like basic necessities just because they have children to feed and can’t make ends meet (despite working multiple jobs, mind you!), we’re giving it to the people who earned it by making the country great! I have personally sent a truckload of milk, eggs, and bread to Tim Cook’s home just this morning, and that’s only the beginning! Stay tuned!” 

In a combative press conference, White House press secretary Karoline Leavitt staunchly defended the plan. 

“The President has decided this is the best course forward, and the entire administration is behind him 1000 percent,” said Leavitt. “Furthermore, we will not tolerate any shame toward what this country’s elite decides to purchase with their benefits. You see Mark Zuckerberg whipping out his SNAP card to get an aged European cheddar, you keep your mouth shut. If you’re in line at checkout and you spot Peter Thiel grabbing a bunch of sugary drinks on the government’s dime, you just thank your lucky stars you got to be in the presence of a great man.”

While the plan has sparked immediate outrage, far-right-leaning economists have been quick to spin it as a win for all Americans. 

“This is going to be great for the economy long term,” said market analyst and noted Ayn Rand fan Geoffry Comber. “Think about it, you offer basic food staples to help a poor child live, and what do you get in 18 years? A poor adult. You offer unlimited free eggs and bread to the country’s most elite money makers, and you get an incentive to achieve. It just makes sense.” 

At press time, RFK Jr. was hard at work drafting a report highlighting the health benefits of “Non-intermittent, permanent fasting.”

Lime Wedges Served With Cans of Tecate at Local Dive Bar Only Reason Punk Doesn’t Have Scurvy

Posted on by Steve Packosky

PITTSBURGH — A regular intake of lime wedges served with his favorite beer at local dive bar The Rock Room was apparently the only thing keeping punk Dennis Koranski from succumbing to scurvy, sources report.

“I guess I don’t think too much about proper nutrition,” Koranski admitted as he sucked on a lime wedge plucked from the top of his can of Tecate. “Maybe I’ll eat some kielbasa or pierogies if the bar I’m in is serving them and someone else is buying, or I’ll find something good in the trash while I’m walking home, but other than that, I’m more interested in beer than food. It’s probably not the best thing for me, but I actually feel great minus the hangovers and occasional alcohol poisoning. Other than that I must be doing something right, so I’m just going to keep doing what I’m doing. You mind if I bum a cig?”

Koranski’s friend Diane Lowery was puzzled at his physical state.

“Dennis and I have basically the exact same lifestyle, and I feel like shit all the time,” Lowery noted. “We eat the same stuff, so I don’t know how he feels so good. The only difference I can think of is I prefer Pabst Blue Ribbon while he drinks Tecate, but that can’t be it. My muscles are constantly sore and I’ve actually started to lose teeth. I don’t know what’s going on with me, or why the same things aren’t happening to Dennis. Just the other day we both got worried when my skin broke out in this horrible rash, but we ultimately decided to just go to the bar instead of the hospital.”

Koranski’s doctor Theo Czekovic was not surprised by the situation.

“You have no idea how many punks are narrowly avoiding catching diseases that have been all but eliminated in modern society,” Czekovic opined. “Clearly, Dennis is staying alive solely because of the lime wedges he’s consuming with his daily alcohol. I’ve had unvaccinated punk patients who are only staving off smallpox by eating a daily leaf of lettuce with their McDonald’s burgers, and I’m convinced one of my patients doesn’t have polio solely because I instructed him to begin washing his hands regularly. I guess I’ll just tell Dennis to keep drinking his Tecates.”

At press time, it turned out the only reason Koranski didn’t have bubonic plague was because he had inadvertently been inoculated through his constant exposure to fleas.

Here Are 8 Other Euphemisms for Jerking off Violent Femmes Rejected

Posted on by Arielle Andreano

Songwriting can be a beautiful, if frustrating, process. The undertaking of perfectly evoking a universal human emotion or experience is a creative Everest, but as many songwriters will attest, it can be one of the most rewarding experiences for a true artist.

Take the runaway hit “Blister in the Sun” by Violent Femmes. It can be difficult to distill the essence of the experience of jerking yourself off, but the band was committed to perfection and wouldn’t stop until they had the exact right language. Here are some euphamisms for jerking off they rejected along the way.

Celebrating Palm Sunday
As everyone knows, “Celebrating Palm Sunday” was coined by the lesser-known faction of Catholic priests who actually abstain. The band considered throwing them a shout-out for not being abusers, but considered whether they would alienate other religions.

Beef strokenoff
This phrase was, of course, popularized by chefs at Le Cordon Bleu. The band worried it would distance them from their less fancy fan base.

Beating your meat
This is a symptom of the American male psyche and the need to make everything violent. Despite the fact that they make jokes about not wanting other people to hurt their penis, men seem to want to hurt themselves. The band did not consider this one for long.

Gone Daddy Gone
This was deemed a better fit for the song “Gone Daddy Gone.”

Choking the chicken
This was popularized by rural farmers who had no other references…on hand. The band was considering going vegan at the time and didn’t want to encourage animal cruelty.

Strangling the snake
The male mind is simple when you figure it out. This is obviously an escalation of violence from “choking the chicken.” But the Violent Femmes, though violent, are still femmes and they felt it was steering a bit too stereotypically male with this one.

Murdering miscellaneous animals
Though the obvious logical conclusion of the aggression towards animals category of male masturbation euphemisms, the band surprisingly considered this one for a while until they ran into rhyming issues.

One armed third leg workout
A niche description that originated in the southern region of the Jersey Shore, the band ultimately decided it was a bit of a mouthful.

We hope you’ve enjoyed this journey through jerking as much as we have, and that it will color your masturbatory experiences both with and without Violent Femmes playing in the background.