William H. Macy Insists Way More People Would Have Died on 9/11 if He Had Been on That Plane

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

LOS ANGELES — Actor William H. Macy insisted that, unlike his “Boogie Nights” costar Mark Wahlberg, had he been aboard one of the hijacked planes on September 11, 2001, the death toll would have been significantly higher, confirmed sources.

“I can tell you right now, if I had been on that plane, no one would have made it out alive,” said Macy. “I mean, what was I going to do? Take control of the cockpit? I’d have spent the whole flight sweating through my shirt and stammering for a drink. Or worse yet, I probably would accidentally overpower the hijackers through some farcical turn of events, only to then fail to stick the landing and ironically knock out several more skyscrapers along the way. If it weren’t for me not being on that plane that day, we would’ve had a much more tragic 9/11. You’re welcome.”

TSA agents who have worked with Macy at Los Angeles International Airport (LAX) confirmed that the actor’s presence in high-stress situations often induces more chaos than calm.

“Oh yeah, the shovel guy from ‘Mystery Men.’ I’ve seen him before. The guy is a walking panic attack,” said TSA agent Linda Rodriguez, who asked not to be named for fear of reprisal. “One time, he accidentally set off his own metal detector because he was so nervous about putting his belt back on. Can you imagine him facing down terrorists? Hell, if Al Qaeda met this guy, they probably would feel so bad about how pathetic he is they’d just give up on fighting ‘The Great Satan’ all together.”

Dr. Jennifer Klein, a Hollywood psychologist specializing in celebrity behavior, explained that Macy is actually an outlier in egotistical movie stars.

“Everyone picks on Marky Mark for this one, but the truth is the majority of celebrities fantasize about how if they were suddenly dropped into some great, historical tragedy, they’d be able to save the day,” explained Klein. “For instance, actor David Krumholtz once posted 30 tweets in less than an hour explaining how, if he were on the Titanic, he could have dropkicked the iceberg away from the boat.”

At press time, Macy is avoiding air travel and quietly preparing for his latest role in which he’ll be playing a sentient block of silken tofu.

Brave! Man Struggles To Sing Both Eddie Vedder and Chris Cornell Parts of “Hunger Strike”

Posted on by Kyle Donley

Seattle may have been the grunge capital of the world back in the ‘90s, but this Tuesday morning, Rockford, Illinois resident Carl Prather will be attempting the unthinkable feat of handling both Eddie Vedder’s and Chris Cornell’s vocal duties on “Hunger Strike” during his morning commute to work.

For years, the 1991 anthem has served as the perfect singalong for men bonding during a camping trip or a friend’s funeral, the varied vocal melodies and countermelodies serving an embarrassment of riches for a chorus of beer-drunk voices to fumble, hum, and vamp their way through the emotionally raw paeans to partially chewed bread. Attempting the duet solo would surely require months of training with a ponytailed vocal coach and, at the very least, a few tallboys to gather the necessary courage. Prather will not have the luxury of either, explaining that he can’t really drink before work anymore due to an ongoing custody battle and that he doesn’t know what a vocal coach is.     

Critics fear the local refrigerator repairman may be punching above his weight, considering it took two Seattle grunge rock legends to record the original, and Prather only knows roughly 20% of the lyrics. Adding insult to injury, the only formal training Prather has is 7th-grade chorus, which he received a C- in. It’s hard to imagine how he could possibly capture the throaty baritone of Eddie Vedder and the four-octave range of Chris Cornell all in one single breath, but Prather remains unconcerned, telling us, “Who gives a shit, I’m just driving to work. No one else will even be in the car. Just let me do this, ok?”

As if the level of difficulty wasn’t staggering enough, Prather is already working on vocalizing the guitar breakdown and a few of the more memorable drum fills, which he will literally play with his fingers on the steering wheel! Prather has also not ruled out the possibility of eating a breakfast sandwich throughout the performance, which could really make things interesting! So if you happen to be on I-39 this upcoming Tuesday morning, keep your eyes peeled for a silver Toyota Camry with a caterwauling 41-year-old man inside and know that grunge rock history is probably being made.   

Aging Punk Woman Solemnly Vows to Reject the Siren’s Call of Rockabilly

Posted on by Colleen Nerney

CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — Nearly 40-year-old punk woman Allie Gerard recently made a solemn vow to resist the urge to become rockabilly, sources close to the matter report.

“I see it happen every single day. Women my age slowly realizing that maybe gross ratty t-shirts and studded vests aren’t the most flattering or whatever, or that they think old people aren’t allowed to dress cool. Then suddenly I’m at a gig and every woman there over the age of 35 is in some bodycon dress with red lipstick on and I’m like, where the fuck am I? A Southern Culture on the Skids show?” Gerard said, wearing a very stained men’s 2XL Fishbone shirt. “For fuck’s sake, ladies, you don’t have to become a pin-up tattoo of Elvira the second you start to visibly age. But I’m telling you right now, if I ever start buying leopard print stuff, I want you to shoot me. I’ll try my best to avoid that outcome.”

One of Gerard’s friends, bassist Elena Wheeler, explains how she ended up in the punk-to-rockabilly pipeline.

“Look, I’m not proud of the fact that all I listen to now is surf rock covers,” Wheeler said, touching up her eyeliner in a hand mirror. “But you’d be surprised at how quick this shit catches up to you. One day you’re complaining about your knees in the pit and buying earplugs, and the next you’re looking for fit-and-flare dresses with fringe on the collar online. It was too late for me, being a female bass player and all, so I’m just getting the word out for the women who are 32 right now and thinking they want to ‘try out a more vintage look’ like that British TikTok lady with all the traditional tattoos. You’re not her and you can’t afford to be.”

Fashion historian Alexis Loft lent her expertise on the matter.

“The phenomenon of once-cool, hip young women being drawn towards an objectively kind of tacky look as they age has been around for millenia,” Loft said, gesturing to several illustrations hanging on the wall of her office. “Even the cave girls of long ago were seen ditching their badass spears and furs for weird zebra print togas as they aged out of the scene. We need more punk women like Allie to spread the word and stop this wiggle-dress takeover from happening once and for all.”

As of press time, Gerard was seen looking at vintage cars on Instagram.

Experts Say Newly Discovered French Cave Etching Is Likely the First Known Ragebait

Posted on by Ryan Dondero

BORDEAUX, France — Archaeologists at Les Cavernes de la Haute-Vézère discovered what experts believe may be the first known example of ragebait in human history, confirmed sources. 

“It is a truly startling discovery that makes me deeply irritated whenever I look at it,” said Dr. Lucien Moreau, professor of archaeology at Université de Bordeaux. “We suspect this was drawn by a Homo neanderthalensis sometime between 45,000 BCE and 40,000 BCE, to troll Homo sapiens when they were first arriving in Europe. From fossilized foot traffic in the area, it appears the etching had high engagement and drew unusually large crowds of early humans, most of whom were extremely outraged upon viewing, as witnessed by the handful of negative comments engraved into the cave wall as a response to the etching.” 

Local punk Mathieu “Scud” Leclerc said he saw a picture of the etching online and immediately thought it would make a “fucking sick” stick and poke. 

“When news first broke, everyone was trying to be coy about it,” Leclerc said. “I don’t really know much about early humans, but I do know there was a time when Neanderthals and Homo sapiens coexisted. And I bet those incel Homo sapiens showed up offending the shit out of everyone. If I were a Neanderthal, I’d want to let those fucking sapiens know what’s up too. That’s punk as shit. My buddy Pierre is on tour with his band Putain Magnet but he does stick and pokes. When he gets back, I’m going to hit him up.” 

B. Walker, admin of the popular Instagram account RealTruthReels, said he found the discovery personally meaningful. 

“I have tens of thousands of followers who don’t even realize how mad they get when scrolling through my content,” said Walker. “And it’s easy. Too easy. I was actually thinking about calling it quits. There’s already so much hate in the world, so much anger, so much rage, and I’m just adding to it. But then I saw this and thought, if cave people were doing this and others were traveling just to get mad, maybe it isn’t a modern sickness. Maybe it’s baked into us. So I feel good about it again. I have a renewed sense of purpose.” 

At press time, scientists reported discovering another nearby etching, believed to be an early Homo sapiens symbolic marking, which researchers say loosely translates to, “I’ll probably get cancelled for saying this, but…”

How To Determine Your Self-Worth by Checking How Many of Your Instagram Friends Are Tied to Semi-Well-Known Public Figures

Posted on by Ryan Dondero

You’ve been doing everything right. You’re hitting the gym. Eating better. Getting outside for walks with the dog. You’re cold-plunging, occasionally. You’re making connections on LinkedIn. Climbing the corporate ladder. You’re reading Brené Brown. Watching Mark Manson videos on YouTube. You even gave a Tara Brach audiobook a try once or twice before deciding it was “good but maybe not for me right now.”

You’re trying so hard. And yet, you still feel incomplete. Like something is missing. Like you are, deep down, a fucking piece of fucking garbage that no one loves or will ever love. 

The hard truth is, self-worth isn’t tied to how good you look, or how smart you are, or how much money you make. You know that. But let me tell you something. It is 100% unequivocally tied to the number of Instagram friends you have who are connected to semi-well-known public figures.

Finally, a way to empirically measure yourself. 

You’ve been wasting all this time trying to feel good. You signed up for Headspace. You listen to the Huberman Lab. And you still feel like shit. Well, why don’t you go, right now, to Instagram and start scouring your followers? Better yet, go look at the people you vaguely know from high school who got kind of big in Chicago improv. Or the ones who manage a handful of fashion models, or photographers, or whatever. Look at who follows them. Wow. Feel that? That’s you feeling better.

You’re on the periphery of the periphery of semi-fame. And that’s where self-worth is cultivated, my friend. That’s where you build the foundational blocks of high self-concept, self-esteem, and “you are enough” energy. Not in the gym. Not with a six-figure salary. On Instagram.

And if you keep scrolling, keep orbiting, keep brushing up against the warm glow of proximity to relevance, you might just convince yourself, briefly, beautifully, that you matter.

Five Finger Death Punch Slated To Play University of Phoenix Commencement Ceremony

Posted on by Steve Packosky

PHOENIX — American metal band Five Finger Death Punch is tapped to perform at this year’s commencement ceremony at the University of Phoenix, sources report.

“Five Finger Death Punch really embodies the spirit of this institution, so it’s an absolute pleasure to have them play at our graduation,” said University President Chris Lynne. “I personally am a huge fan of theirs, and I just know that the whole of our student body appreciates their work every bit as much as I do. It’s going to be incredibly exciting watching them play ‘Wash It All Away’ while our recent graduates line up to receive their diplomas. We will of course be filming the ceremony, too, which will provide excellent footage for our next commercial. I predict our enrollment will at least triple in size once that begins playing before their music videos, as well as Staind and Breaking Benjamin, on YouTube.”

Lead singer Ivan Moody reflected Lynne’s level of enthusiasm for the upcoming performance.

“I think every member of my band has at least a bachelor’s degree from the University of Phoenix, so this is an absolute honor,” Moody said as he adjusted his flat-brimmed Monster Energy Drink hat. “I myself have a B.S. in Business, which is awesome because I really didn’t do anything to earn it, and I can tell people I’m a college graduate when they say my band writes stupid music. We’re really going to show the world we’re the real deal when we open the commemoration with our awesome cover of ‘Bad Company.’ That’ll show everyone who called our catalog ‘dipshit music for lobotomy patients.’” 

Student Kyle Huebner reacted to the news.

“Oh fuck yeah, Five Finger Death Punch is playing graduation?” Huebner exclaimed. “I definitely need to go to the ceremony now. I had honestly forgotten I was still enrolled at the university until I got an email that I would be earning my diploma in a few months, which is surprising because I can’t tell you the last time I attended a class. Now I have a B.S. in Sociology, even though I’m not sure what that is. Whatever. I can’t wait to throw down and start a pit while they’re playing. There aren’t any rules against vaping while wearing your cap and gown, are there?”

At press time, Lynne announced he was planning on awarding the entire band honorary doctorates.

Millennial in Midlife Crisis Looks Into Getting Healthcare

Posted on by Brett McCabe

NEW YORK — Local 41-year-old Brooklyn resident Teri Kraft entered what her friends are calling a “midlife crisis” after requesting information on healthcare plans from her job, confirmed sources.

“Health insurance has always been a dream of mine since a few weeks ago, but, like, what am I? Richie Rich?” said Kraft, referencing a cartoon character whose relevance in this century is only by name. “When my mom was my age, she owned a home and had three kids with a full-time job that insured all of us. Meanwhile, I live in an apartment with three roommates, not including my husband. Anyway, I find myself up late at night on the Kaiser Permanente website reading about healthcare plans, and I even requested dozens of informational pamphlets from Blue Cross Blue Shield. Yeah, I think I have a problem.”

After applying for Medicaid, waiting a month, submitting additional income information, waiting a month, and then submitting more requested verification, Kraft is hopeful that she’ll be able to see a doctor sometime next year.

“Yes, she’s been working full-time for the past four years but, under the paperwork she signed, it’s considered contract work,” explained Kraft’s boss Richard Alberta. “Classifying workers as employees is not a smart business decision because then we would have to provide them healthcare packages and I am not about to look destitute driving to the country club in the same exact sports car as last weekend. We believe she is going through a phase. A midlife crisis, perhaps. Instead of bugging us about needing to see a doctor, we’d prefer that she dyed the grays out of her hair or had an affair with a younger man in Costa Rica. That will get it out of her system.”

Kraft’s friend Milton Addams has been guiding her through the steps he took before acquiring “Obamacare” created by the Affordable Care Act.

“The company I work for hasn’t paid me in four months,” said Addams, copywriter for Mesopotamian Records, who began looking for healthcare after a new nipple piercing got infected. “They stopped responding to inquiries about missing paychecks even though they’re still publishing my work. Fortunately, it qualifies me for Medicaid. It’s great to have one less thing to worry about as I move my belongings from my apartment into my Subaru Hatchback. Though I wish it was a sports car.”

At press time, Kraft’s midlife crisis took an unexpected turn when she all of the sudden got really into the idea of owning a home one day.

Opinion: When I Said I Wanted No More Division in America, I Meant Get Rid of Math

Posted on by Adam Frost-Venrick

As a public servant, I am no stranger to minsunderstantiations. Lord knows I’ve had my fair share of them over the years. As a man enters his eleventh consecutive term as a senator, he is forced to look back on things he wishes he might’ve said differently. 

To this end, I, Senator Ulysses B. Snurds of the great state of Arkansas would like to clarificate some comments I made last week that were taken wildly out of context. In a press conference I was holding to address a brief “neurological episode” I had last month, I said that I wanted to “end political division in America.” Now, some of my colleagues and constitulates have taken this as a sign that I might be willing to reach across the aisle politically and work with the opposition party. But that’s simply not the case. You see, when I proclaimed my desire to end political division, what I meant was I wanted to take math (ie, division) out of the schools, because it perplexes me, a politician. 

Math is a terrible thing. No one should be forced to do it. I mean you open the Bible, you don’t see any stories about Moses solving for X or Jesus doing long division. How is math gonna help people in the current job market? You don’t need math to work in an Amazon warehouse or to drive an Uber. My grandmother never used math a day in her life and she never needed it, right up until the day she died of an accidental insulin overdose. 

And let’s be clear: some people on the interwebs have brought up comments I made about wanting to reach across the aisle. But that was also taken out of context. I simply was quietly expressing my wish to fondle the very attractive young lady on the other side of the aisle at church. There’s nothing partisan about a good fondling. That’s just a fun treat for everybody. 

But the idea that I’d want to reach across the political aisle to work with the Demmycrats is simply absurd. I don’t need to reach across the aisle. There is no aisle. The ‘Crats are basically on our side anyway. We both hate the poors, we both love writing cute little messages on bombs that we mail overseas and we love chowing down on some brisket in Tel Aviv on Spring Break! 

Incel Guitarist Doesn’t Believe G Chord Exists

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

GALLATIN, Tenn. — Local 23-year-old guitarist Brandon Hanish stunned his bandmates this week when he announced, unprompted, that he does not believe the G chord exists, calling it a, “widely debunked myth invented by female musicians to make men feel inadequate,” Hanish’s few remaining friends confirmed.

“I acknowledge the existence of power chords, drop-D riffs, but anything requiring that kind of strenuous finger placement is medically impossible. Show me the science,” Brandon said, gesturing angrily at a Strat replica missing two strings. “Every time someone claims the G chord is real, it’s always secondhand. ‘I saw it in a video… My girlfriend can play it… It’s literally the first chord you are taught!’ That’s not evidence. I’ve been playing guitar for years and I’ve never personally played a G chord, which tells me everything I need to know.”

Hanish’s bandmates have tried to be patient with him but seem at a loss.

“At first it was like, ok, he doesn’t  have a lot of experience and he’ll grow out of it. But he just kept getting more stubborn about it, I think because he struggled to achieve the chord with his stubby fingers,” said a bandmate who asked to remain anonymous but played bass in Hanish’s short-lived neo-grunge project The Ledger. “Anytime we suggested he practice or learn basic theory, he’d say talent should be innate. Like, ‘If the G chord were real, I’d already be able to play it.’ He doesn’t want to get better, he doesn’t want to put in the work, just wants the guitar to meet him at his amateurish level and still be perfect.”

According to experts, Hanish’s beliefs are part of an unnerving yet growing trend.

“We’re seeing more men, boys really, fall into algorithm-driven myths about music. They’re told that certain chords are lies, that practice is beta humiliation, and that if something doesn’t come easily, it must be fictional,” explained Dr. Naomi Stevens, a psychologist specializing in musician radicalization. “Social media rewards grievance over growth. It’s much easier to deny the G chord than to accept that learning requires effort. These myths often frame female musicians as AI-generated or planted gatekeepers of propaganda.”

At press time, Hanish announced plans to release a 90 minute long solo “opus” titled “The Tate Lament” played entirely with a C chord.

Warped Tour Releases 2026 Lineup With Redacted Names To Protect Victims

Posted on by Brett McCabe

LONG BEACH, Calif. — The eagerly anticipated 2026 lineup for Warped Tour was released with a number of the band names redacted to protect victims, to the chagrin of fans.

“None of these matters have been taken lightly,” said tour organizer Kevin Lyman. “The reason some names have been expunged is to protect the identities of bands that still play the Warped Tour as well as fans who have fallen prey to cancelled pop punk and emo frontmen. Historians allege that Warped Tour began as a ‘punk rock’ touring festival, later evolving into a global pedophile ring for scene bands with cheap eyeliner. But I assure you that exclusion of a band name does not constitute wrongdoing. We’re just trying to protect everyone involved.” 

Warped Tour fans were hoping to see some much bigger names on the newly released bill and are demanding justice.

“Growing up, Warped Tour was about seeing guys with bedhead and Manic Panic hair dye enter their phone numbers into a Nokia flip phone belonging to a girl with acne and braces before going back on the road to fulfill their obligations as regional opener for the Glamour Kills stage,” said longtime ticket holder Mark Renault. “Withholding these names is disappointing for me as a fan who needs to know the truth behind the tour, no matter who gets taken down as a result.”

When asked how many bands they have confirmed, a spokesman assured the public that they are “making a nothing burger out of all of this.”

“You sit here, and you attack the Warped Tour, and I am not going to have it. None of you ask about Dahvie Vanity from Blood on the Dance Floor before. You know why? Because Kevin Lyman,” Chris Fronzak began to trail off before trying to change the subject. “Local families have demanded that the names be released so they can be on the lookout for nearby all-ages club shows. But I’m sorry, you’ll just have to buy tickets if you want to see who’s playing.”

At press time, Warped Tour organizers denied the rumors that Bill Clinton and Bill Gates were on the festival lineup.