WHEELING, W.V. — Local woman and drug enthusiast Lindsey Cruz reportedly turned down the opportunity to trip balls for less than $4 last night, thanks…
SYRACUSE, N.Y. — The resale price of a rare Princess Diana Beanie Baby rose exponentially last week after local collector and drug dealer Blake Kaiser…
RENO, Nev. — Democratic Presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg canceled an appearance with a local voter group yesterday after spinning out into a bad, six-hour drug…
FAIRHOPE, Ala. — Davey Armstrong, the only drummer of note in his small town, is doing a poor job of hiding the fact that he…
COLUMBIA, S.C. — Former Vice President Joe Biden’s campaign is reeling today after the Democratic contender reportedly kissed a baby square on the lips while…
CHICAGO — Local musician and self-proclaimed Antifa member Shaun Straut is proudly sporting a “This Machine Kills Fascists” sticker on his bassoon, which sources admit…
PORTLAND, Ore. — Local rapist Kent Mehring once again avoided any consequences for his repeated sexual assaults last week, despite his total lack of musical…
PHILADELPHIA — The entire punk scene of Philadelphia resolved today that promoter, producer, and overall pillar of the scene Stevie Bryant is “completely unbookable,” hushed…
Government oppression has tightened its grip on our nation. The signs pointing to fascism’s rise have never loomed greater. The Trump administration, with their unscrupulous…
WASHINGTON — Scientists at the Gibson Institute of Environmental Studies issued a stunning new report yesterday, claiming the devastating effects of climate change could mean…
RICHMOND, Va. — Small-time weed dealer Joel Dilts confirmed today that he knew the crisp $50 bill he received yesterday from a regular customer for…
HILO, Hawaii — Active volcano Mauna Loa retracted it’s strict “virgins only” policy last week and is now open to accepting sacrifices of people who…
TACOMA, Wash. — The funeral for moderately popular local musician Adam Klein was rather well-attended despite being held on a Tuesday night, sources who waited…
ASHEVILLE, N.C. — Local folk-punk band Monte and the Paupers surprised themselves last week, accidentally booking a gig that would actually pay them for their…