Heavy Metal and music videos have a long history of going together. With the attention-grabbing visuals of their album covers and energetic stage performances, it only makes sense to try to bring them out in video form. Let’s push the mullet hair from our eyes and get a better view of the cream of the crop for metal music videos.
10. Anthrax “Madhouse”
From Quiet Riot’s “Metal Health” to Iron Maiden’s “Piece of Mind, “being in a straight jacket is an ’80s metal staple. These rockers are getting locked up for being too wild! Ironically, in 1981 Ronald Reagan repealed major funding for mental institutions. Maybe Ronald Reagan hated the mental institutions because he wanted to free all those Metalheads. Either that or he was a dick, who knows for sure. Anthrax’s “Madhouse” is easily the best when it comes to music videos in the genre.
9. Rammstein “Sonne”
Rammstein’s videos can be a mix of grotesque, artsy, silly, violent, fetishistic, and unapologetically German. If one image can capture all of that, it would be the band getting spanked by a giant Snow White in the music video for “Sonne.” Why this isn’t playing on all the screens at Disney World I’ll never understand. The music video also warns of the dangers of snorting gold so it can be praised for its anti-drug message.
8. Twisted Sister “We’re Not Gonna Take It”
There are a lot of great genres when it comes to different metal music videos and now it’s time to look at the “Fuck You Dad” genre. The father in the beginning skit of this does such a great job you can see the spit flying from his mouth as he yells each word. The son first attacks him with the power of guitar, once again teaching us that guitars are dangerous weapons capable of robbing banks. The son then transforms into Dee Snider. This either means that the child was Dee Snider in disguise waiting to make his move or that Dee Snider is a creature created when mixing rock music with bad parents. Good art is known to be open to interpretation.
7. Candlemass “Bewitched”
Music videos do not need to be high budget to work. There are plenty of great music videos shot with grainy footage of a band hanging out in a graveyard or forest. No band does a better job with this than the Swedish Doom metal band Candlemass. The long funeral intro does a great job winding up to the singer popping out of the coffin like a Jack-in-the-box. The singer gives it all in his physical performance as he constantly points at the audience. Maybe it’s a Swedish thing, but it’s kinda rude to point at people the way he does. I guess rock stars don’t care whose toes they step on.
6. Korn “Freak On A Leash”
This music video starts off in a well-animated world. What of? Children playing on a creepy night of course because this is a Korn song. Flashes of a hopscotch court keep overlaying the video like it’s the Tree of Life in the intro for Evangelion. Then a cop does the most cop thing he could do and has his gun go off. We then see the bullet travel the world into another Korn poster which is riddled with bullets because apparently, this happens a lot. We then learn that this animated world is taking place in a teenager’s Korn poster where the bullet flies out of. You think Judas Priest was badass for robbing a bank with guitars? Imagine if they robbed a bank with Korn posters because these things are dangerous.
5. High On Fire “Fertile Green”
The visual designs used are fantastic. A man riding a motorcycle is one of the most boring troupes used in metal music videos but this one manages to use it just the right amount. Also, another horny one over here. At least I’d assume so when he walks between the legs of the giant pubic bush of marijuana to meet the many-armed sexy weed creature who blows smoke into his face. I’m actually worried for the guys of High On Fire for combining horny with weed too much. Eventually, you’re going to cross wires and start getting aroused every time you see a joint.
4. Rob Zombie “Dragula”
Before anything else, let’s be clear. If you hear this song at a wrestling match, you know the wrestler about to walk into the ring is a good one. Throwing every cool effect possible, it makes one forget that it’s just Rob Zombie standing still in front of a green screen waving his arms. The collection of stock footage used works surprisingly well with Zombie’s 60’s acid flashback nightmare vibes. Some people might nitpick, “The song is named after Grandpa Munster’s Drag-U-La despite the fact that Mr. Zombie is seen driving something more similar to the family’s Munster Koach car.” Sadly yes, but Robbie Z has yet to respond to any of my complaint letters.
3. Plasmatics “The Damned”
You know you’re in for a treat when the music video has to warn you not to try this at home. The music video has one simple premise. Wendy O. Williams rides on top of a school bus and then drives it into a wall of televisions. Saying it out loud doesn’t even spoil things because it never gets old to watch. Wendy’s vocals are always so screeching and coarse. It’s a shock that her regular voice doesn’t sound like Marge Simpson. She also puts bombs on the bus so it blows up. Not much to say, it’s metal as fuck. It makes you miss the days of CRT Televisions because driving through a wall of flat screens just isn’t as cool to try. Trust me, I know. It’s people like myself who caused this video to have a do not attempt warning.
2. Dio “Holy Diver”
Almost went with Dio’s “Last In Line” because it features Dio using a lightsaber to kill a group of video game-enslaving borg, but this somehow manages to be better. It’s Dio as a sword-wielding barbarian. This music video is the closest anyone has gotten to bringing a metal album cover to life. So many nerdy metalhead teens must’ve imagined themselves in this video with their Renn Faire swords over the last 40 years. I hope the rats in the video knew they were a part of something special.
1. Judas Priest “Breaking The Law”
Judas Priest’s music video for “Breaking The Law” is built on one simple concept. What if your music was so badass that you could rob a bank with it? Cheesy, sure, but there’s nothing wrong with cheese when done right. “Dog Day Afternoon,” “Heat,” “Point Break,” none of those movie bank robberies can hold the gravitas of Rob Halford screaming the lyrics at his hostages. The big reward in the bank’s safe is their own album going gold because music is the real treasure here. This music video might be the reason parents feared that dang guitar music so much. The next time you see someone playing Priest on guitar, watch out where they’re pointing that thing.
I wanted to wait until after “Darkadelic” came out before writing this review so I could include it in this ranking. But then I listened to it last Friday and I was like… “Whoa.” Bottom line, it’s just too soon to make a definitive placement for it – but go check it out anyways.
Is that a rhetorical question? Because not me. I have seen through the bullshit. If you wanna take this album’s title as a sincere query then I would guess it was whoever produced this bland, monotonous slog, who was likely afraid that any hint of excitement might alert an unseen secret police to their presence. Who was this mystery producer? What was their imagined crime? Suppose we’ll never know, ‘cause there’s no way I’m going to listen to this drag again looking for clues.
The Damned kinda have a habit of reinventing their sound about once every three years. In one way it’s very impressive to have that kind of musical elasticity – in another way, you end up with “Anything” and are forced to listen to low-rent ABBA for forty minutes. I suppose you could make an argument for it if that’s your thing, but if you’re mostly a fan of Triple D era Damned then it’s safe to give this one a miss.
Personally, I enjoy this record. It is fun and in a way reminds me of the Groovie Ghoulies if they were Britpop. But held up to a lot of other Damned albums it just can’t hold its own with that style. So, yeah, I’m not sure what that leaves “Grave Disorder” as. “Unfortunately enjoyable,” maybe?
I genuinely forgot that this record exists. So I listened to it again before writing this and my consensus is: pretty good. Yeah, dude. A lot of the songs still preserve that original lineup edge (despite being like nineteen Damned lineups down the road) and the songs don’t feel as samey as their more pop-oriented albums. Still, the fact that I didn’t even remember it until bringing up Wikipedia to check release dates means I can’t really go higher than here in the ranking. Sorry, that’s my bad.
Anyone else get the feeling like Dave Vanian might really be a Dracula? I mean, that would be fucking cool if he was, but, like that’s true of a lot of people. I’m saying he’s the guy who might legit just be a goddamn vampire. Also, don’t ever spill holy water on this album or it will burst into flames and a part of your soul is forever lost. Pretty cool how they worked that into the production.
“Music For Pleasure” was released roughly nine months after the band’s previous album and oh boy does it show. We’ll just let this one be an example of “strike while the iron is hot” not always being the best career advice. That being said, there’s nothing sonically wrong when compared with triple D – this is just more of the same, albeit feeling a bit less inspired. But particularly when put up against “Black Album” or “MGE,” this one just doesn’t have the stuff.
Here we have the later-era dark horse inclusion high in the list. “Evil Spirits” feels like it came out of nowhere, much in a way a spooky ghost will suddenly appear before whispering something to you like “fear the alleycat” before disappearing into a nearby aviary. I’ll call this a well-deserved comeback for the band after a few so-so offerings, and if you gave up on the Damned years ago, this album certainly demands your appreciation.
I wanted to make this entry just a picture of Dave Vanian singing while wearing the pirate shirt from “Seinfeld” with his hair done up exactly like Bride of Frankenstein but I was told “no, James, you actually have to write something.” So anyways there it is – now stop reading and go look up that picture immediately.
“The Black Album” rests on that perfect liaison between the sneering punk rock of the early Damned and the ethereal goth rock the band later consumed like the heart of an undead concubine. And they did it phenomenally. Most bands are lucky if they ever even get one truly great album out of a lifetime of struggle and dedication in the fickle and thoughtless music industry. The Damned have three, and this is the third.
This is the second. Also, it’s the only truly great record that had the classic lineup. And if you really still don’t see what set the Damned apart from other early UK punk bands, then compare this album’s cover to The Clash and see how it’s like fucking night and day. Triple D is punk without ego. It’s the true embrace of the weird and the rebellious, and above all, it’s just fucking fun. As any true Damned fan knows this was the first full-length punk record from any UK punk band and the cover art is a goddamn pie fight. Suck on that with all your seriousness and political shit, Joe Strummer.
And here’s the first. This is everything that was great about the early Damned except that, without Brian James serving as musical director, everyone finally got to do their own thing. Captain got to play guitar, Dave went full nosferatu, and Rat Scabies successfully lobbied to change his name to Hamster Healthy-Skin. Truly it was a golden age of the Damned.
“I don’t think the verdict went far enough. The only form of punishment I accept is complete castration.”
“There was always something about Trump I didn’t like, I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. I guess it was his pattern of abusive behavior that he openly admitted to multiple times.”
“Finally, the Mueller Report worked.”
“I bet the liberal media is going to spin this to make Trump somehow look bad.”
“I prefer Presidents who don’t sexually abuse people. One day I hope to get a president who doesn’t.”
“This is only going to make his base angrier and worse to be around at Thanksgiving. Something I didn’t think was possible.”
“This makes me wonder how many other powerful rich white men are total shitheads.”
“I’ve been saying this for a long time, we need to believe women. Unless it’s my ex-girlfriend, please don’t listen to anything she has to say.”
