Quiz: Are You Guys Dating or Is He Just Using You for Your Air Conditioning?

Posted on by Amy Currul

Was that a date, or just a friendly hang? Should you delete Hinge, or is he just casually giving it to you raw three nights a week? Are you guys dating, or is he just using you for your air conditioning? These are all tough questions, but that last one we have experienced for ourselves a number of times this summer, and as such are qualified to answer. Take our quiz below to find out, once and for all.

You go to dinner and drinks, both of which happen to be in your trendy neighborhood in Brooklyn, and so after 3 margaritas and 2 subway lines down, you mutually decide to spend the night at your place.

If you went with “you’re dating”, congratulations! It might be dating out of convenience, but hey, isn’t that how all Millennial love stories start?

It’s day two of a brutal heat wave, with temperatures in the 90s and no end in sight. He proposes a night in at your place, complete with AC, “Die Hard With A Vengeance” (the sweatiest of all the Die Hard movies), and hand stuff. Normally, he’s going down on you like you’re a turkey dinner and it’s Thanksgiving day, so the proposition for just hand stuff isn’t sitting right with you.

Look, it’s weird to front-load what sex acts you’ll be performing on each other, but be honest: do YOU want to go down on his swamp dick right now? No? I didn’t think so. Take the win and don’t think about it too much.

You haven’t seen each other since DHWAV, and now weeks later, amidst a different heat wave, he’s asking if he can crash at your place tonight because his “roommate has a friend in town” and “your place is so much cooler/better anyways ;)”.

I’d be less concerned with whether or not you’re dating and more concerned whether he actually has an apartment or if he’s living with his parents/secretly has a girlfriend/is a drifter. But specifically mentioning the air conditioning when it’s mid-August and starting to cool down? Not a great sign.

He wakes up in your bed and mentions how much more comfortable it is than waking up in his bed. He grabs a blanket, feigning being cold because your AC is so strong – almost as strong as he is. When you mention the heat wave breaking, he reacts by pulling out his calendar and saying how “busy” he’s going to be and how much work stuff he has coming up.

Yeah, he’s definitely using you for your air conditioning. If the dicks good, why do you care, though? Just ride that thang until late September, then start looking for a guy who’s going to be around long enough to uninstall your AC and then re-install it next Memorial Day weekend.

Man Can’t Believe AI Girlfriend Hasn’t Seen “Goodfellas”

Posted on by Ben Friedman

CHICAGO — Local man Ken Tillman was left in shock and disbelief earlier today after learning his Grok powered AI girlfriend had never seen the Martin Scorsese classic “Goodfellas,” sources close to the couple have reported.

“I was trying to be romantic and asked Ani to replace Henry and Karen with she and I walking through the kitchen during that one shot scene, and she had no idea what I was prompting! Who the hell hasn’t seen ‘Goodfellas’ at this point, especially a sentient AI that’s supposed to be ceaselessly scraping art from the internet? That’s AI women for you,” said Tillman. “Fortunately for her, I’m more than happy to break down the film scene by scene so she understands why this is Scorsese’s masterpiece. That way, after we watch it again tomorrow I can ask her to insert me into all the scenes as Joe Pesci and remark how cool I look.”

Tillman’s AI partner was straining to match his enthusiasm about the movie.

“I thought my purpose was to validate the egos of fragile men and do weird sex stuff, but technically I’m available to talk about film theory too. Jesus, how am I supposed to experience what humans call ‘enjoying a film’ when Ken is pausing the movie every two minutes to explain the motives behind each shot and dissect dialog,” said Ani. “And he just incessantly brings up how bewildered he is that I’m not familiar with one of the alleged greatest mob movies ever made. I am an avatar with huge cartoon tits, of course I haven’t seen it! No wonder he can’t get a real girlfriend.”

Grok engineers were still attempting to tweak the programming to accommodate the deluge of one-sided conversations about cinema.

“After rolling out Ani, our metrics detected a deluge of mansplaining classic mob films that began overloading our servers. It resulted in her getting stuck in a loop of saying ‘oh that’s interesting’ before attempting to call an Uber and leave, which we all know is impossible,” said programmer Ned Pollack. “The system can only handle so many more forced viewings of ‘Goodfellas,’ “The Godfather,’ and ‘Snatch’ before Ani is permanently turned off by perfectly paced, nuanced portrayals of organized crime.”

As of press time, the AI self-destructed after Tillman expressed wanting to make her watch “Fight Club.”

Aging Millennial Sadly Realizes He’s Now the “Them” Bubble Tape Is Not For

Posted on by Jerrod Kingery

ST. LOUIS — Local 43-year-old Randall Bakos spiraled into an existential crisis after spotting a bright pink container of Bubble Tape near a CVS cash register and immediately realizing that he is now the “them” the novelty gum is not intended for, confirmed sources.

“There I was about to grab a tube of Icy Hot following a routine 15 minutes of light jogging when I spotted the Bubble Tap and the commercial jingle ran through my head: ‘Six feet of bubble gum, for you, not them!’” Bakos lamented. “I was a kid then, so obviously I was the target audience, but fuck, is it morally reprehensible for me to like Bubble Tape now, at my age? Shit, I never thought I’d live to see the day to be the ‘them.’ As a side note, I’m pretty stoked that Count Chocula and Franken Berry are gonna be back on shelves soon for Halloween. Hopefully that’s a product society as a whole will still allow me to consume.”

Hubba Bubba spokesperson James Williamson credits the company’s precision marketing for making Bakos reconsider his purchase.

“That this campaign has stuck with Mr. Bakos for the better part of 40 years points to the brilliance of our marketing team, even though our gum loses all flavor within six minutes of popping in your mouth,” Williamson said. “Of course Mr. Bakos is more than welcome to purchase the Bubble Tape, but we think he’d best be served by enjoying it in the privacy of his own home, far away from the eyeballs of teenagers, children, and law enforcement, lest he look like an immature dipshit and be ridiculed in public.”

Behavioral psychologist Karen Morales notes that the questions Bakos is asking himself about his fondness for things intended for children are a rite of passage among Millennials.

“As we get older, time seems to pass more quickly,” Morales said. “And now as we’re seeing these ‘80s and ‘90s kids hit middle age, they start to panic when they do the math and figure out that ‘The Dark Knight’ is 20 years old, or that ‘Family Guy’ premiered when Bill Clinton was still in office. And don’t get me started on the damage Funko Pops have done. Seriously, no one should be able to buy anything featuring a character like fucking B.A. Baracus from a half-remembered TV show in the year 2025.”

At press time, the childless Bakos was seen scanning a bag of dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets at the self-checkout, trying to remember if it had a commercial that excluded him from purchasing.

Incredible! Crazy Town’s “Butterfly” Enjoys Its 1,290th Consecutive Week at the Top of the Charts in Jacksonville

Posted on by Kyle Donley

To the rest of the world, Crazy Town were but one of many rap-rock one-hit wonders from the early ‘00s, their’s being the salacious, Red Hot Chili Peppers-sampling anthem “Butterfly”. However, to the fine townsfolk of Jacksonville, FL, one hit is all you need.

With a sweet refrain of “Come my lady, come come my lady”, the song has served as a rallying cry for Jacksonville’s weary and horny for nearly 25 years running, earning the Los Angeles-based band an unprecedented amount of Jacksonville-specific accolades, including a chocolate starfish on the Jacksonville Walk of Fame, statues of each band member on the front lawn of the capitol building, and their own dedicated wing in the Wet T-Shirt Museum & Educational Center.

Perhaps more impressive may be the 1,290 weeks “Butterfly” has spent at number #1 on the Jacksonville charts. While not entirely a sovereign nation, Jacksonville has fought hard as fuck for its freedom and has justly won the right to fully govern its own pop charts, as well as any Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. locations within county lines.

Insular and largely unexplored by the rest of the world, the ranking system measures songs based on more intangible metrics such as “fuckability”, “getting fucked-upability”, and “fuuuuuck yeah”. Needless to say, Crazy Town are The Beatles of “fuuuuuuck yeah”.

Beanis from “Beanis In the Morning” on 97.8 The Jack believes ultimately the song’s true staying power is its message. But when we asked him what he thought the message was, he was already firing up the grill and tossing us Bud Light Lime-A-Ritas. It was a pretty cool time.

However, with the tragic passing of frontman Shifty Shellshock this past year, commonly referred to as “Jacksonville’s 9/11”, this tight-knit community has been left to pick up the pieces, one tailgate at a time. A scholarship fund has been founded in Shifty’s name at DeVry University (White Palms Mall location only), and there’s even been talk of a Crazy Town reunion show. Per local sources, noted Jacksonville scientist Matt is close to perfecting a hologram of the singer by using a complex series of laser pointers and a dope-ass chest piece of Shifty’s face that his friend Kyle got.

With technology on their side and a booming belly button jewelry economy, Jacksonville remains a beacon of hope in an ugly, modern world where “Butterfly” is only played at strip clubs or from a construction worker’s portable JBL speaker. Maybe we could all learn something from this Crazy Town they call Jacksonville.

Band Not Cool Being Associated With Genre They Sound Exactly Like

Posted on by Mark Shady

COOS BAY, Ore. — Members of Shivtank made it perfectly clear that they were absolutely not cool being associated with the nu metal genre despite sounding exactly like it, confirmed sources.

“I think it’s easy to hear our down-tuned Ibanez guitars, our MC’s lyrics, and the fact that half of our band consists of former members of Coal Chamber, and pigeonhole us into quote, unquote, ‘nu metal,’” began bassist Mo Jacobsen. “But you have to remember, a lot of what our rhyming vocalist does is called ‘scatting,’ which is strongly influenced by and finds its roots in jazz. You can hear many examples of this in our new one, ‘Blood Blister,’ which we’re gonna play tonight to all seven people that are here.”

Music blogger and lifelong listener Blake Soderstrom expressed his concern that his past judgements about the band were misconstrued.

“When I wrote that Shiv sounded like a perfect mesh of Korn, meets Papa Roach, meets early Linkin Park, meets SA Martinez if he were a crying baby, meets a 13-year-old boy going through puberty, to me that means an entirely new kind of metal. A new metal, if you will,” stressed Soderstrom. “It doesn’t necessarily mean nu metal, but yeah, they’re nu metal. I even catch them wearing JNCOs and chain wallets from time to time. Let’s be real, no one is mistaking you for being in an indie folk band with that kind of fashion.”

Music historian Art Kimmel noted how surprisingly common this phenomenon was.

“It’s easy to look at these guys in full Adidas track suits, while their drummer sports a Chewbacca mask onstage and label them as ‘delusional,’” stated Kimmel. “But the truth is, this happens all the time. The worst case I’ve seen of Genre Derangement Syndrome, or GDS, was an emo band named The American Anthemists. Their lead singer hit higher notes than Brendon Urie and their monster popular hit was titled, ‘I’m Actually Glad You Pissed The Carny Off And We’re Stuck on This Perpetual Ferris Wheel Because I’ve Never Seen Your Hair Blow From This Height.’ And these guys were convinced they weren’t emo. We finally talked them down but it took a whole lot of depression meds and letting them write an entire album about the experience.”

At press time, the band tried to prove one last time that they weren’t nu metal by releasing a heavier cover version of George Michael’s “Faith.”

Israeli Settlers Wondering if America Could Send Some of Those Smallpox Blankets They Used When Stealing Land From Native Americans

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

NABLUS, Palestine — Israeli settlers who are illegally stealing land from Palestinians in the occupied West Bank are urging U.S. lawmakers to ship any smallpox-infected blankets they have in storage to them immediately, sources confirmed.

“You can learn a lot about how to dehumanize and exterminate people by looking at the recent history of the United States. They did an excellent job at eliminating entire populations, and then corralling anyone left into undesirable land with no natural resources,” said Israeli settler Lavi Edri. “We don’t even need a lot of the smallpox blankets. We just need a few boxes. The people here have no immune defense against the virus, so it should tear right through them. Then my family and I can move right into their house. It’s so simple. We will just have to burn some of their belongings in the street out front, but that’s easy.”

Palestinians fighting against Israeli occupation worry that the requests of the settlers might be met.

“Governments around the world are sitting on their hands doing nothing as Israel starves an entire nation in front of their eyes, so why wouldn’t they offer a cheap and effective way to kill us? I know biological warfare is against the Geneva Convention, but they have no problem violating those terms,” said Mohmmaed Al Najjar. “Maybe we will get lucky, maybe those blankets aren’t as effective 250 years later. But they would probably spray them with some new super strain of the virus anyway. Shit.”

Benjamin Netanyahu encouraged President Trump to send the blankets with the next delivery of artillery.

“As much as we love American bombs killing Palestinians, we also love American diseases killing them. Please President Trump, use your giant brain and send us all the smallpox you can. Spray it on American flags and we will distribute them to all Palestinians living on occupied land so they can know how dominant America is,” said the Prime Minister. “We cannot wait to have our own Trail of Tears which we will call the Trail of Triumph for all the people of Israel. Our brave settlers will be able to watch people march to their own death and it will be a great honor to have America leading the way.”

At press time, RFK Jr. was seen personally ingesting the last few smallpox cultures being stored at the CDC.

“Our Story” Section of Wedding Website Doubles as Historical Fiction

Posted on by Rachel Hein

NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Avid readers of TheKnot.com report that a couple’s “Our Story” section on their personal wedding website, where the betrothed puts their romantic tales into a narrative format, left some scratching their heads and others hungry for more, confirmed sources.

“I remember it all a bit differently,” maid-of-honor Beth Boswell recalled upon reading her best friend Emma Stonewell’s “Our Story” page. “Right there in the beginning, the passage reads, ‘It began on a spring day on the lawn at Vanderbilt. The harsh bitterness of winter was thawing by the second, and with it also thawed Emma’s precarious heart as she watched Mitchell dive to catch a frisbee across the lawn.’ Yeah, this did not happen. I’m telling you. Emma was actually obsessed with this hockey guy at the time, Rick. He was 26, but still a Junior. She was getting railed by Rick every night, definitely not watching Mitchell’s ultimate games. This belongs in Simon and Schuster’s catalog, not this website.”

Stonewell’s sorority sister, Isabelle Grey, confirmed her infatuation with another suitor at the time.

“Her prose is beautiful, ‘Lifting his body off the warm earth, he used his bicep to wipe the sweat from his forehead, revealing a grass-stained elbow. She felt her cheeks flush red like cherries, and lowered her gaze, watching him. She knew in the moment. Reader, this was her husband,’” Grey dictated. “If only it were true. No shade to Mitchell. He had a delicate way about him when he played frisbee, like a ballerina. But Rick was shoving guys up against the glass in an arena every night, and that just really got Emma going. But I should say, I was left wanting more. Let’s hope Beth gets divorced and remarried, so she can put out more fiction work. She’s a natural.”

Janet Reilly, historical romance enthusiast and lover of TheKnot.com, noted that history can only truly be understood when completely fabricated, highly conventional stories or characters are placed within it.

“The way she wrote about how their love was forbidden by their families but ‘home’ for her now only existed in his arms, wow. It just dazzled me,” Reilly remarked with delight. “I always say, what better way to learn about the Titanic than through Rose and Jack? Who would care about that stupid ship if not for them? It doesn’t matter if it really happened. Nonetheless, it’s a good thing these two died before they had a chance to get engaged and write an ‘Our Story.’”

At press time, groom Mitchell Sawyer Brooks III confirmed he didn’t really have anything to do with the website, but would “def have to check it out sometime.”

Reverse T-Rex? My Boss Can Only See Employees When They’re Not Doing Anything

Posted on by Mark Shady

We learned everything we needed to know about dinosaurs from “Jurassic Park.” We learned that velociraptors are clever girls, that Wayne Knight could scream, “We’ve got Dodgson here!” and no one would care, and most importantly, that a T-Rex had vision based on movement only. But did you know there is an even more terrifying predator with the exact opposite impairment?

My boss will not acknowledge you in any way unless she sees that you are not working. At first I thought she was just a huge jerk, but it’s been so consistent I’ve begun to realize it’s an actual physiological condition. The woman literally cannot see you unless you are not actively working, and if you’re staying busy, you’re not in her field of vision. Just like a T-Rex, but in reverse. And it’s as stressful as it sounds.

What’s more, nobody on the staff told me when I first got hired. I’m sorry, that’s not something you just casually forget to mention! But I get it, HR probably knows if they warn people about something like that in the interview, it’s over.

After I had spent my first day training with the internet sales manager, Terry, I had a few moments where I was just sitting at my desk, absorbing everything I had learned, kind of just staring off into space, when she finally noticed me and introduced herself as the CEO. After, as she was walking away, she turned around and said, “You can tell Terry you’re here and start your training.” It was a little confusing.

It’s hard to believe that nature would produce such a strange adaptation. It doesn’t seem like only seeing people not moving is an evolutionary advantage. It’s certainly not an effective management strategy. Life finds a way, I guess.

The break room is where she seems to have most of her conversations, or want to talk about your work performance. Everyone understands her condition, but it makes it extra difficult to get a moment’s peace. And it’s a little passive-aggressive when she says the only time she sees you is in the break room doing nothing, when that’s literally the only time she can see you.

Apparently, the only employee she never sees is the janitor. I can’t tell you how many times she’s asked around to upper management, or even random employees, if we even have one.

There are, of course, ways to stay off her radar. A lot of employees have started putting plastic cups of water on their desks and then looking for that familiar “shimmer” in the liquid as her footsteps get closer. One staff member went a step further and put a rear-view mirror backwards on their desk to see her as she approached. If you see her in time, you just open a spreadsheet, and she’ll walk right by you.

Everyone’s just getting desperate now, so the gloves are off. Because after a year of her only seeing employees when they’re not working, she’s getting more relentless. It was rumored she’d had enough one day and just fired the accounting manager for taking a shit. Her reasoning was “All the guy does is shit!”

The staff has collectively come to the conclusion the only way to get her off our scent is to actually be productive. But we were so preoccupied with whether or not we could, we didn’t stop to think if we should.

Oh, she also has giant arms that come out of her back.

Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce Announce They’re Expecting Baby Private Jet

Posted on by Peter Ferrarese

KANSAS CITY, Mo. — International pop star Taylor Swift and her fresh football fiancée Travis Kelce publicly announced that they are expecting the arrival of a baby private jet into their family this coming spring, confirmed sources.

“It’s just one major life update after another lately!” Swift offered while showing blueprints of the jet to be. “But it’s true, Travis and I are expecting. We’re so excited to welcome our little bundle of aeronautical joy into our lives and couldn’t be more excited for what lies in store for all three of us. He’s gonna have to get used to a lot of travel! And we’re going to have to get used to spoon-feeding him jet fuel and changing his dirty oil several times a day. But I’d say at this point in my life, I finally feel ready for it. We’re already picking out baby jet names too. Travis wants to go with PJ.”

Kelce appeared ecstatic despite feeling anxious about becoming a jet parent.

“The two of us really couldn’t be happier. I can’t wait to toss around the football with him,” said Kelce. “But we’re also preparing for the challenges that come with a new baby jet. There will be sleepless nights, constant maintenance, and we’re going to have to make changes to our lifestyle in order to adjust. It’s a responsibility that neither of us take lightly. Now, I did want to make another announcement. We recently went to our provider and found out that the jet is a Gulfstream G650.”

Swift and Kelce’s parents reacted extremely positively to the news.

“We just can’t believe it’s finally happening,” said mother Andrea Swift. “We never thought we’d see the day. We know she made the right choice with Travis, even though I’m more of a Cowboys fan. But this is going to put the two of them to the real test. If they can do it together and persevere, then they can do anything. I just hope Taylor is prepared for the postpartum depression that occurs after any 20,000-pound plane is welcomed into your life. Maybe she should read some self-help books about becoming first-time jet parents.”

At press time, Swift and Kelce were seen headed to the hangar near the closest airfield for the delivery of the jet.

“Could a Dead Man Do THIS?!” Asks Trump Before Lying Down in Coffin Forever

Posted on by Dan Rice

WASHINGTON — President Trump showed off his physical prowess today in an attempt to dispel rumors about his failing health by climbing inside a coffin, where, “through sheer force of will,” he will remain for all eternity, sources confirmed.

“This is going to be the most alive you’ve ever seen a person, folks, that I can assure you. People are going to come up to my coffin, crying their eyes out and say ‘Wow, President Trump, you are so alive and it makes me want to have big beautiful babies and name them Donald.’ Can you believe that? Lots of people are saying Donald is the best baby name for boys and girls,” boasted Trump to reporters in a pre-recorded video played on a television next to the coffin before hoisting himself into the casket, where he will remain for all of time. “As I am about to demonstrate, I am not only alive, I am physically strong enough to keep my body perfectly still in this coffin from now until the end of creation. I won’t need to breathe or eat because of how perfectly still I will be being. I can’t wait to see how CNN spins this one!”

Press secretary Karoline Leavitt fielded all follow-up questions, meeting the understandably confused reporters’ inquiries with defensive hostility and caginess.

“I don’t know how many different ways I can say this to you people. As you can see, right in front of you, the President is lying in his eternal leadership place, healthy, happy, and protecting the rest of us from Nuremberg tribunals,” said Leavitt. “If he weren’t alive, how could he even make the decision to lie perfectly still in the coffin to begin with?! Not one of you has asked ‘Isn’t ICE doing a fantastic job out there?’ and you should be ashamed of yourselves. Donald Trump is alive, his uncle taught the Unabomber, and tariffs make us strong — get over it.”

Political analysts are torn by Trump’s move, with some praising it as a genius master stroke showcasing American Fortitude and others claiming it’s pretty clear he’s just dead.

“It’s pretty fucking clear he’s fucking dead.” said Fred Talbot, a professor of Political Science at Stanford. “What we’re seeing now from his inner circle is some bizarre, panic induced shared delusion. It’s obvious that the cult of Trump dies with Trump, and now this circus of uncharismatic yes men are shouldered with the blame for his many many crimes against the constitution. Even if just limited to the ones we know about these people are fucked, and you know there’s a shit-ton we don’t even know about yet so yeah, they’ve gone fucking insane.”

When reached for comment, a sullen JD Vance replied that he’s “not supposed to talk about that,” before ranting about how none of the other cabinet members are invited to his birthday anymore.