16 Alt-Rock Albums That Turn 30 This Year and Serve to Remind You That Death is Right Around the Corner

Ah, the 90s. That magical decade of grunge, flannel and other things we here at The Hard Times don’t remember, due to a crippling keyboard cleaner addiction. But still, the ‘90s was truly a decade of the highs and lows of pop-culture. One that gave us “Friends” or, depending on your taste… gave us “Friends.”

It may seem impossible to think that 1993 was thirty years ago, but with a renaissance in ‘90s culture booming among Gen-Z (and a possible “King of the Hill” reboot on the way), it seems appropriate to turn back the clock a little bit and take a listen to these alt-rock albums that are turning thirty this year.

The Breeders “Last Splash”

The Breeders are pure ‘90s goodness. Kim Deal from the Pixies? Check. Tanya Donelly from Belly? Check. Kinda. She’s a minimal presence on this album, appearing only on the tie-in EP. But still, this second album by The Breeders combines grunge, punk, garage rock and surf rock, as well as Deal’s icy and detached vocal delivery in an absolutely exquisite way.

 

Pearl Jam “Vs.”

It’s interesting to consider that this album came out the same year as “In Utero.” Like the Nirvana album, this is pure grunge chaos with Eddie Vedder at times doing more wailing than singing, on songs like “Animal.” But where “In Utero” is pure anarchy, screaming and misery, “Vs.” is an exercise in control and style, with songs like the more mellow “Daughter,” showing an enormous ability to bend style and create a diverse and engaging listening experience.

 

 

Morphine “Cure For Pain”

There is something vaguely evil (in a good way) about the slinky, bass-driven, jazz-rock conjured here. Mark Sandman’s writing and playing are enticing and coldly detached, while the music itself carries almost a jam-band like spirit. It’s not hard to see why a song like “Buena” left the imprint it did, with its effortless cool, but even for the deep cuts, this album is well-worth revisiting. Side note: how cool of a last name is “Sandman” though? It’s like getting a new license plate that randomly says “666 420.”

 

Beck “Golden Feelings”

Yes, it’s finally happened. The debut album by anti-folk troubadour, erstwhile Scientologist and one-time “Futurama” guest-star Beck has finally turned 30. Really, “Golden Feelings” feels as much like a musical shitpost as it does an actual album, with Beck’s distorted vocals and warped playing. It’s astonishing, listening to it, how in just a few years, Beck was able to go from the bizarre sound on songs like “The Fucked Up Blues” to the rollicking, rock of “Midnite Vultures,” but Beck has always been a musical chameleon.

 

Melissa Etheridge “Yes I Am”

Oh sure, to some of you, it’s just “that CD that Mom has in her car,” but on listening to Melissa Etheridge’s “Yes I Am,” it’s not hard to imagine why this blues-rock album had the impact that it did, with singles like “Come to My Window,” “If I Wanted To” and “I’m the Only One” becoming her signature song, and the album itself has come to be remembered as Etheridge’s “coming out album.” On top of all that, it sounds fantastic and is well worth more modern attention.

 

 

Björk “Debut”

Icelandic singer-songwriter, Björk has had an incredible and varied career. Her songs contain the same weird, dreamy, experimental spirit of Kate Bush or Tori Amos and her song “Venus As a Boy” is probably one of the best to come out of this year. (Remember when it was in “Léon: The Professional?” Wasn’t that a great movie?) But ultimately, whether she’s acting for Lars Von Trier or Robert Eggers or being played by Winona Ryder pissing off Alex Tribeck, everything stems from this international debut, an album so sophisticated and wide-reaching it’s almost shattering to remember her only prior releases were as a member of a jazz combo and as a child artist releasing novelty songs.

Nirvana “In Utero”

On Nirvana’s third and final album, it’s impossible not to hear the pain and self-destructiveness that plagued the final months of Kurt Cobain’s life. The original title, after all, was “I Hate Myself and I Want to Die.” As far as the band’s grunge sound goes, this is the grungiest, with distorted, reverb-heavy guitars and vocal performance from Cobain that feels more like tortured wailing than singing. This is something that feels horrific at first, but becomes oddly soothing the longer one listens.

 

 

Belly “Star”

Eerie, jangly, abrasive and oddly soothing, “Star” – the first album by the Tanya Donelly fronted band Belly – is a truly indispensable ‘90s relic. On this record, Belly truly feels like a slightly harder, drone-heavy, American answer of the witchy jangle pop of the Cranberries, with Donnelly’s distinct, often detached vocals perfectly countering hard-driving guitar. With odd song structures and strange lyrics, Star isn’t necessarily easy to get into. The album, and the band that made it, seem overlooked today, which is both odd and a little sad, since both “Star” and Belly were nominated for Grammys. Standout songs include singles “Feed the Tree” and “Slow Dog,” as well as the witchy “Low Red Moon.” This album is well worth your time, especially in one sitting on a cold, overcast afternoon.

PJ Harvey “Rid of Me”

PJ Harvey is the coolest. Like Tom Waits or Leonard Cohen, she seems almost to be a genre in and of herself, where each of her albums feel strikingly different from each other, each imbued with their own artistic personas, but each one feeling like they could only be made by her.“Rid of Me” Harvey’s sophomore album, is different even by her standards. This is evident in the songs with “Man-Size Sextet” sounding like a lost Bernard Herrmann score, and an eerie re-working of Bob Dylan’s “Highway 61 Revisted,” as well as the almost over-the-top “Rub ‘til It Bleeds.” These are droning, deranged, sexual songs that are pure PJ Harvey and show an artist with a fearlessness to rival her true talent.

Counting Crows “August and Everything After”

The most interesting thing about getting into Counting Crows is realizing that the best part of any of their songs is Adam Duritz’s heroic, belting voice, while the worst part is Adam Durtiz’s freakish, caterwalling seal-bark. Often, these two versions of Duritz co-exist within the same song. Sometimes they happen at the exact same moment. Duritz’s ability to bring us into his world is best felt in the first three songs, “Round Here,” “Omaha” and “Mr. Jones.” His delivery on “Anna Begins” has, at points in my life, actually made me tear up. On the whole, “August and Everything After” is ghostly, strangely uplifting and relentlessly nostalgic. A perfect early Fall album.

Uncle Tupelo “Anodyne”

The fourth and final album by the Illinois-based Roots Rock/Alt-Country band is, in many ways, an oddity in their discography. With Jeff Tweedy as one of Uncle Tupelo’s co-frontmen, the band spent the first chunk of their career making more or less straight punk music, with country/folk inflections. Its opener, “Slate,” is a fiddle-driven tune that feels almost aggressively nostalgic, while tracks like “The Long Cut” feel like the perfect accompaniment for a country road trip. Ultimately, though it does drag at points, tracks like “New Madrid” and “Give Me Back the Key to My Heart” are worth every slow moment. “Anodyne” is a brilliant slice of alt-country/roots rock, a great swan song for Jay Farrer and Jeff Tweedy’s creative partnership and a great intro piece to a band that was often so much more punk than expected.

Mazzy Star “So Tonight That I Might See”

In many ways, the sophomore album by California-based dream-pop/psych rock duo Mazzy Star has a lot in common with “Blacklisted” by Neko Case, despite the almost decade in between their release. Both are psychedelic and reverb-heavy, both conjure up not just country and rock images, but an oddly chaotic desert-like sonic landscape. “So Tonight That I Might See” feels like the soundtrack to an unmade David Lynch film. A noirish, luxurious album of midnight images that calls to mind lonely nights out in the desert, with scorpions and tarantulas on the prowl and forgotten corners of U.S. states you’ve never been to.

Aimee Mann “Whatever”

Aimee Mann is one of the few artists that seems genuinely impossible to dislike once you’ve given her a fair chance. Like Tom Waits by way of Daria, Mann’s lyrics often balance extreme darkness (see “Home by Now,” “Just Like Anyone” or “Philly Drinks”) with extreme, acerbic, deadpan humor. “Whatever” is Mann’s solo debut, and a supremely confident debut album for an artist who has always stayed true to her style and convictions, even as her sound has evolved drastically over the years.

 

 

Liz Phair “Exile in Guyville”

There’s no doubt this album rocked a lot of dorm rooms at Wellesley when it first debuted, with opener “6’1” and lead single “Never Said” serving up shredding guitar and a blunt delivery that permeates through the album. Songs like “Help Me Mary,” “Girls! Girls! Girls!,” “Divorce Song” and “Johnny Sunshine” pack the album with strangely catchy bops, while “Dance of the Seven Veils,” “Fuck and Run” and especially “Flower,” pack the album with a raw, almost supernaturally frank sexuality. “Exile in Guyville” is a perfect mixture of Riot Grrrl, Grunge and Punk Rock, as well as something uniquely original that only a first-time artist with no more fucks to give could muster.

Radiohead “Pablo Honey”

From its opener “You,” this debut by English male-manipulator – I mean – rock band Radiohead is crunchy, staticky and almost industrial. Thom Yorke’s vocals feel more like a rigid and fragile Jeff Buckley than the “ghost of Victorian boy who was drowned in a well by his governess” tones they would become by the time he made the “Suspiria” soundtrack, or even “OK Computer.” On the whole, while the album isn’t as polished as later outputs by the group, there is a lot here, with break-out single “Creep,” feeling like a festering, oozing send-up to Leonard Cohen’s song “The Future,” while “How Do You?” plays like a lost track off of “Ziggy Stardust” if Ziggy had been really into paint thinner. (I mean that in a good way.)

The Cranberries “Everybody Else is Doing It, So Why Can’t We?”

Quite simply one of the greatest albums of all time, the debut by the Irish alt-rock band The Cranberries produced two all time hits in “Dreams” and “Linger,” as well as a minor masterpiece in “Sunday,” which seems to be gaining new life on TikTok. Throughout their career, the jangly sounds of the Cranberries remained consistent even as Dolores O’Riordan nuanced her punk-infused “angry Irish woman” persona. As such, even though they never made a bad album, it’s forgivable and understandable to think of this one as their best. Even the deep cuts, songs like “I Still Do,” “Waltzing Back,” “Pretty” and “Wanted” shimmer.

New Photos Reveal Jack Antonoff in the Studio With Big Mouth Billy Bass

BERGENFIELD, N.J. — Acclaimed producer Jack Antonoff was seen collaborating with animatronic singing sensation Big Mouth Billy Bass according to recent photos, sources confirmed.

“I met Billy while I was in Taylor Swift’s dad’s basement,” Antonoff explained from his studio. “I walked by Big Mouth, and he hit me with this incredible cover of ‘Don’t Worry Be Happy.’ I was completely taken by the compressed vocals. It really gave a 50 cent speaker from China kind of vibe. Billy’s also totally unafraid to repeat the same 30 seconds of a song over and over again. That’s a thing most artists shy away from that I think can be really powerful. I’m hoping with our new project, I can reach the last 3% of people on Earth that haven’t heard my music.”

The replica largemouth bass was happy to speak on working with his new partner just as someone walked by to trigger his motion sensor.

“Jack’s a great collaborator. He’s really been transforming my creative process,” Billy explained, mounted above Antonoff’s synth collection. “I think the main reason Jack and I work so well together is that he already uses a lot of weird old electronics bought off eBay to make his sound, so this isn’t much of a jump for him. He’s also been really good about changing my batteries. Some people get weird about that. I’m hoping if I play my cards right, I can get Jack to ask Lana Del Rey for a feature. No more being mounted next to that deer your uncle shot, or stored in a plastic bin in a garage. Soon, I’ll be mounted next to gold records!”

Despite Billy’s excitement, not everyone is looking forward to the new collaboration.

“I prefer Big Mouth’s earlier stuff,” said Hunter Finch, a longtime fan of the singing fish. “By earlier stuff, I mean ‘Take Me To The River.’ Billy shouldn’t be singing any other songs. It completely destroys his artistic integrity. Is working with the biggest stars on the planet not enough? He’s already conquered the pop and indie music scenes, now he has to conquer the novelty toy scene too? It doesn’t feel right. It seems Jack will work with just about anybody. I mean who’s next? The Chicks?”

At press time, new photos revealed Jack Antonoff stepping out to lunch with a five-foot-tall motion-activated dancing Santa.

Every Superdrag Album Ranked Worst to Best

Knoxville, Tennesee’s Superdrag is the most underrated band of the ‘90s (and possibly of all time); so, so sorry Jellyfish. While most know the alternative rock/power pop group for their blistering and catchy minor-hit single “Sucked Out” and probably not much more. The band released A LOT of other songs in the form of five studio albums, compilations, EPs, live tracks, B-sides, demos, rarities, and more. For the sake of this piece, we strictly ranked their five LPs; nerds, pine away.

5. Industry Giants (2009)

Reunion records are tough, as time off from a (sometimes well-deserved) hiatus can bring out the very, very good gems or the brutally, brutally ugly stinkers of a recently reformed act. Luckily, it is difficult for frontman and chief songwriter John Davis to write a bad hook, so the worst Superdrag LP is better than most bands’ best efforts. Screw off, Rembrandts. Anyway, it’s quite sad that the band’s swan song effort went out with a whimper. Hopefully, they try to cut another album, or with any luck they don’t; whatever.

Play it again: “Slow to Anger”
Skip it: “You’re Alive”

4. Last Call for Vitriol (2002)

“Last Call for Vitriol,” Superdrag’s final album before the band’s hiatus in 2003 has some solid gems like their beloved sleeper track “Feeling Like I Do,” but it’s an overall inconsistent listen front-to-back. The album starts off super strong with “Baby Goes to 11” but rolls into eleven tracks that woefully take the listener on an overly frenetic ride. Luckily the next three records listed have no filler whatsoever and are extremely re-listenable.

Play it again: “Feeling Like I Do”
Skip it: “Stu”

 

3. Regretfully Yours (1996)

This bronze metal slot for the band’s debut LP “Regretfully Yours” may shock both casual and hardcore fans of the band, but the silver and gold medal winners listed below are simply (much or slightly) better; nostalgia is a hell of a drug, and y’all need to sober up. Admittedly, the band’s debut and only radio semi-smash “Sucked Out” is a perfect single (and an incredible combination of sweet and sour). If you wish that The Beatles and The Kinks used more bass-heavy, fuzzy, and slightly dissonant distortion, then this record has your name written all over it. If you don’t wish the same, then this record is for you as well as it is undeniable in the best way ever; suckers.

Play it again: “Cynicality”
Skip it: “Garmonbozia”

2. In the Valley of Dying Stars (2000)

Superdrag kicked off the century with a stripped-down and back-to-basics record that counterbalanced the lush album (just you wait) mentioned next. “I want to rock and roll, but I don’t want to deal with the hassle” is one of the most bitter and biting opening lines to ANY album, and we’re all here for it (and the subsequent rock-age that happens immediately afterward). Palm muted power chords rule, fam. Plus, the gorgeous and haunting masterpiece “Unprepared” might be the band’s best song in its extensive and incredible catalog; if you disagree gimme animosity.

Play it again: “Unprepared”
Skip it: “Bright Pavilions”

1. Head Trip in Every Key (1998)

The late and great Jerry Finn (producer of incredible albums by Blink-182, AFI, and many, many more) helped shape and visualize thirteen tracks to perfection on the band’s sophomore effort “Head Trip in Every Key.” Often appearing on many snooty hipster writers that try too hard to be cool’s best-of-album lists, this record is truly, truly deserving of such. Well played, snobs. The album was a big-budget project, and it certainly sounds like such in a non-contrived way from start to finish. In closing, the many tracks and instruments on each song make the band sound huge as fuck, and we would’ve killed to see this masterpiece played with a full symphony in 1998 (or now; bros, it’s the 25th anniversary of the album this year).

Play it again: “I’m Expanding My Mind”
Skip it: Dude, don’t fucking skip shit. Dumbass.

H2O Shows Lyrical Growth With New Song About What It Was Like Being a Band In 1996

LOS ANGELES — New York hardcore band H2O surprised fans with their lyrical growth and maturity with a new song about what it was like for them to be a band in 1996, shocked sources confirmed.

“After the past 28 years of telling our story lyrically, we really wanted to explore new territory and write about something we’ve never talked about before — what it was like the second year we all played music together,” said lead vocalist Toby Morse. “This song really gets into what it’s like being now in your mid-20s and playing in a hardcore band at the start of the second Clinton administration and the invention of the internet. And now that we are all in our 50s in 2023, it seems like the right time for us to tell that story.”

Some die-hard fans of the band report that they are unsure about the new direction that H2O are going in, however.

“I don’t know, man. I just want to hear more about 1995 and being a brand-new band. I don’t like thinking about bands I really like getting older with members who are 24 years old,” said Charles Levingstone, 51. “Don’t get me wrong, I really like the new song and hearing about H2O going out on tour for the second time and the part about The New York Yankees just winning their 23rd World Series, but it just makes me think that time is going by fast and that someday I’m going to be 30, even though that day was over twenty years ago.”

YouTuber Finn McKenty, who creates videos for his channel “The Punk Rock MBA” says he is planning on doing a deep dive into the importance of the new H2O song and the year 1996.

“I really want to get into why this is such a milestone for the band but also how 1996 was such an important year for punk and hardcore because it was the year after 1995 which was also one the most important years, except of course for 1994,” said McKentry loudly. “This new H2O song just highlights how great the mid-90s were for music. It’s crazy how everything exciting that ever happened in hardcore coincidentally happened in a span of a couple years when I was young and just getting into it.”

At press time, Morse announced that the band was working on new material about what it was like in 2008 when they wrote their song “1995.”

Photo by George L. Koroneos.

5 Stages of Accepting Your Favorite Band’s New Album Sucks

Grief comes for us all. Your dog dies. You get dumped. Your all-time favorite band goes and releases an album that you hate so much it feels like they did it on purpose just to get rid of you. And maybe they did. Were you super weird to them after a show or something? In any case, let’s get through this. Put on your headphones and get ready to cry off your waterproof eyeliner. It’s time to mope through the five stages of grief.

Stage One: Denial

Okay, they dropped the first single and it’s a hot mess. They’ve attempted some sort of sludge-ska-synth-pop nightmare. The lyrics are just “goat blood” over and over. There’s even an autotuned kazoo, however, that part was pretty sick. As the horror and nausea creep in, you frantically try to find some explanation. It’s an elaborate prank. Or the edible from your roommate was a lot stronger than you thought and you’re having auditory hallucinations. Keep grasping at straws until you pass out.

Stage Two: Anger

The entire album is a sonic tragedy. Your simmering rage boils over as track nine’s guttural spoken-word interlude over maracas hits the four-minute mark. Nothing left to do but grab a sledgehammer, a hefty bottle of lighter fluid, and every album you bought from those traitors over the past 15 years.

Stage Three: Bargaining

With bleeding eardrums, singed-off fingertips, and a broken heart, you’re in a weakened state and ready to strike a deal. Get on your knees and beg. You scream out to God, Satan, Dio, and every record company executive you can Google. If there’s new music recorded and released within six weeks, you just might survive. You construct a makeshift altar sprinkled with the ashes of your beloved debut album vinyl. Ask your witchy friend to do the thing with the crystals and the dried flowers. It can’t hurt, right?

Stage Four: Depression

Oof. The less said here, the better. Your desperate prayers went unheeded. You retreat into a dark bedroom and wail into the one comfy tour hoodie you spared from destruction.

Stage Five: Acceptance (Sort Of)

Bad news: Two months later, the album still sucks. But at least you’ve created some decent memes to vent and bonded with other fans who also hate the new sound. Plus you’ll save money skipping this album’s tour. You’ve emerged from the depths of sobbing grief and you’re going to be okay. But don’t get too comfortable. You’ll get to go through all this again, except worse, when the band breaks up next year. Good luck!

Kid Who Can’t Buy Fireworks Legally Settles on Buying Assault Rifle

NEW ORLEANS — Local teenager Sam Carter purchased a fully automatic assault rifle after failing to legally obtain fireworks, sources scared for their life confirmed.

“What a buzzkill,” said Carter. “Me and my boys just wanted to buy some sparklers, maybe a couple Roman Candles, for Fourth of July, and now all we have is this ten-pound, ammo-guzzling death machine. I guess having fun is illegal now. At the fireworks stand, the guy kept giving me all these warnings about ‘blowing off my fingers’ and ‘making too much noise.’ I was mad, but I understood why he wouldn’t let me slide. You don’t want such unsafe devices getting in the wrong hands. So, instead I walked to Walmart and bought an assault rifle, 30 magazines of ammunition, and a 12-pack of grenades at self-checkout. The security guard even saluted me.”

Walmart manager Travis Faulkner did everything by the book when selling Carter a firearm.

“Obviously, we ran a background check on the kid a few hours after he had bought the gun and left the store. After all, you have to abide by laws,” said Faulkner. “But this kid only had two accounts of theft, one measly assault and battery charge, and a year in juvenile detention for crashing a tractor into a Denny’s. That’s not enough to refuse the sale of military-style grade weaponry. Of course, I’m disappointed that he tried to buy fireworks in the first place — that’s just not something a kid should mess with. A whole nine innocent people died from fireworks last year. It’s a widespread issue.”

Local politician Barry Schultz had campaigned to ban fireworks in Louisiana his whole career.

“People always tell me ‘fireworks don’t injure people, people injure people,’” said Schultz. “What are those ‘people’ using, then? It’s not rocket science, y’all. If we take fireworks out of the hands of people that shouldn’t have them, we save lives. It works for hundreds of other countries. Now, if there was an amendment in the Constitution specifically mentioning fireworks, that’d be another story. But I skimmed that document once and the Founding Fathers said nothing about the right to bear Roman Candles.”

At press time, Carter was thankful not to have had any firework-related injuries despite accidentally shooting himself in the leg with his new rifle.

We Asked This 75-Year-Old Woman If She’s Really Sure That She Doesn’t Want to Have Kids

Anyone who has children knows kids are an absolute joy. They bring sunshine into your life and provide meaning in a world that is otherwise drab and pointless. Yet for some reason, some stubborn adults still make the choice to not have children. We asked this stuck up 75-year-old lady in an assisted living community if she’s really certain she doesn’t want to have kids.

The Hard Times: Thank you for sitting down with us today, Muriel.

Muriel: Well I suppose sitting is all I really do these days because my legs don’t work like they used to. Wait, who the hell are you? The staff said my nephew was coming to visit but you’re not Julian!

Oh yeah, that was just something we told the staff so they’d let us in here. Anyway, it’s our understanding that you’re childless. Is that something you would ever consider changing?

Well for one thing I’d say that’s none of your damn business. But you do realize how old I am, yes? I haven’t menstruated in 23-years so even if I wanted to, that’s not possible.

Ew, gross! Why are you bringing that up? I just wanted to know how much regret you have considering you never had children of your own.

I have no regrets. I lived my life exactly how I wanted to.

Does this have something to do with getting back at your parents?

My parents were dust bowl children who only wished for their kids to have a better life.

And wouldn’t that better life include children?

Orderly! This man is not supposed to be here!

And there you have it, folks. It’s clear that never having had children of her own, ole Muriel here is clearly bitter and unfulfilled.

Beloved Indie Band Announces Plan to Soundtrack Worst, Most Unwatchable Dogshit Short Film

NEW YORK — Critical darling indie group The Neon Permanent is taking approximately 9 months out of their touring and recording efforts to compose music for a completely unwatchable, pretentious, shitty short film, much to the chagrin of fans.

“After three wildly successful albums, The Neon Permanent are about to embark on something even more exciting for our fans,” said frontman Sven Oligood, after a mysterious counter on their website ticked down to zero. “We are working with longtime friend and visionary director Karl Almendinger to soundtrack his short film ‘Dank Chrysalis.’ We hope to screen it at the Antarctica Film Festival in 2024, so get your tickets now. It may be your last chance to see us before we announce a slew of side-projects which will occupy our time for the next eight years.”

Fans of The Neon Permanent offered a variety of reactions to the announcement.

“Every fucking indie band does this. They write a handful of good albums then just fuck off and accept every bullshit, waste-of-time offer that comes their way,” complained diehard fan Haley Laredo, who has the chorus of the band’s song “The Lights, So Bright” tattooed on her calf. “No one is going to even be able to watch the film, which will suck absolute dog dick anyways. I watched one of Almendinger’s other films to see what he’s about, and he’s just a third-rate MICA dropout Jodorowsky ripoff. From now on I’m only listening to ska where at least the bands know they suck.”

Karl Almendinger is setting lofty expectations for his vision of the upcoming “Dank Chrysalis.”

“My film will explore the void between life and death. The gap between ecstasy and pain. The struggle between knowing and not knowing,” said Almendinger in an absolutely eye roll-inducing PR statement. “I don’t want to share too much, but Fred Armisen will be taking part in the film in a non-speaking role, and the opening 12 minutes feature a static shot of a ceiling fan. The Neon Permanent is making the soundtrack, and I am restricting them to only record the sound of power tools.”

At press time, the last remaining fans of The Neon Permanent are abandoning ship after the band announced a collaboration with marijuana retailer MedMen to create a special sativa blend.

Report: Seeking Revenge Actually Way More Therapeutic Than Self Care

BOSTON — A new study from Harvard University revealed that retaliation and vengeance were far more beneficial to mental health than focusing on personal well-being, sources who couldn’t wait to try it out themselves confirmed.

“After conducting research on several test panels, the participants who opted to take the high road in certain adverse situations resulted in higher levels of agitation, including feeling resentful and irritable,” said Dr. Marjorie Benaiji, Professor of Social Ethics. “Almost all participants reported issues with rumination, particularly at bedtime, so in layman’s terms these folks are literally losing sleep over not getting even. Compared to other, more conventionally known sources of nervous system regulation such as hot tea, bubble baths, or long walks, seeking revenge delivers the satisfaction levels truly needed to move on with one’s life. You’re way better off leaving your former friend’s small business a terrible Yelp! review anonymously than letting your grudge fester. So go ahead and throw away your partner’s leftover takeout. They never do the dishes anyways.”

The study appeared to be accurate when put to the test.

“My roommate kept getting burned by random men. After a while she got fed up and started leaving bags of dog shit at their front doors instead of arguing with them,” said Kaylee Dreyfus, a Boston area paralegal. “I’ve noticed that ever since she’s been seeking revenge, she’s been sulking around the house less, not drinking as much, and a more positive person in general. It’s inspired me to also start getting payback, whenever legal. I work in a law office, and you’d be surprised how many acts of retribution are technically permissible by law.”

The research further revealed that more intense levels of resentment yielded much greater results.

“I have a certification in the Gottman Method which emphasizes couples turning towards each other in times of conflict, specifically when dealing with infidelity, money issues, and parenting,” said Dr. Claire Shoo, resident psychologist at Harvard Medical Center. “But in the last round of couples we studied, there was a wife who went behind the back of her cheating husband, sold his boat on Craigslist, and bought a solo plane ticket to Paris with the profit. She came back a week later with two new Chanel bags, he hasn’t said a word about it, and they’ve never gotten along better. Fascinating.”

At press time, Harvard researchers also discovered that small amounts of narcissism can be beneficial to mental health when compared to a sense of low self-worth.

Every Franz Ferdinand Album Ranked Worst to Best

Scotland’s dance-rock provocateurs, Franz Ferdinand, have been a polarizing act since their debut EP dropped two decades ago. Depending on how arty you were in high school, you likely find each subsequent entry into their discography to be equally insufferable or equally masterful with little to no middle ground.

While there’s no accounting for taste, we can at least be certain that not all Franz Ferdinand albums are created equal. Go dust off your skinniest dress pants and loudest shirt as we rank the studio offerings of Glasgow’s finest export.

5. Always Ascending (2018)

Serving as the most recent Franz Ferdinand full-length and first without founding guitarist Nick McCarthy, ‘Always Ascending’ might be the only true misstep of the band’s career. While the record certainly isn’t devoid of charm, the few and far between highlights are often overshadowed by tracks that sound like amateur remixes of throw-away ideas. Lead singer Alex Kapranos’ reliably bratty voice is confoundingly toothless here, which tragically sounds like an intentional move when considering songs like ‘Lazy Boy.’ Fortunately the band recently released a Greatest Hits record. There you can find the redeemable moments of ‘Ascending’ without having to wade through their unfortunate Talking Heads impressions.

Play It Again: “Feel the Love Go”
Skip It: Most of the record

4. Right Words, Right Thoughts, Right Action (2013)

After releasing three near-perfect albums in a row, it would have been downright rude of us to expect their fourth to be anywhere near as good. Even dance-rock kings need to rest every once in a while. Still, it’s hard to look past the staleness of this record, which constantly seems to be looking back instead of charging forward. Often, the quartet is found rehashing old soundscapes to the effect of an SNL-worthy parody version of the band. You can almost imagine Kapranos breaking and looking directly into the camera like a young Jimmy Fallon, which is obviously not a compliment. When they aren’t cos-playing themselves on this one, they can be heard further experimenting with reggae and dub undertones, but not even in a cool way like on their previous record.

Play It Again: “Bullet”
Skip It: “Treason! Animals.”

3. You Could Have It So Much Better (2005)

Arriving just a year after the band’s massively successful debut, ‘You Could Have It So Much Better’ almost sounds too excited for its own good. Classics certainly abound on this one, but a good chunk of the album’s 41-minute runtime is spent eagerly attempting to reinvent the wheel that is ‘Take Me Out.’ Remember that time your friend told that really good joke and you laughed so hard it made their entire week? Now that you have to hear them repeatedly tell it to every friend that wasn’t there, you can’t even remember why you thought it was funny in the first place. That essentially sums up the vibe of this record. While the album holds a few Bond-worthy ballads to separate it from their debut, they are sadly not enough to bolster it as a unified whole.

Play It Again: “Evil And A Heathen”
Skip It: “Fade Together”

2. Self-Titled (2004)

You probably expected us to put this in the #1 slot like some pedestrian dweebs who still think ‘This Fire’ was the band’s best single. That’s where you’re wrong, buddy. Real Franz FerdiFans™ like us have class. We wouldn’t dare insult the band by suggesting their first try was their best. Still, as everyone certainly knows, this record is a frenetic and undisputed classic filled to the brim with some of the catchiest and borderline annoying songs ever produced in the aughts. There is certainly no doubt the album is excellent, enduring, and a favorite for most fans. Favorite isn’t always best, though. While definitely good enough to gain the penultimate slot in the hierarchy of their releases, this eponymous album was merely laying the groundwork for a future opus.

Play It Again: “Jacqueline”
Skip It: “Cheating On You”

Honorable Mention: FFS (2015)

When Franz Ferdinand first broke through American airwaves around 2004, they caught the attention of the legendary and elusive art-pop duo, Sparks. Immediately a mutual admiration society was fostered, as both acts began sharing demos back and forth from across the pond. Talks of collaboration quickly followed, though conflicting schedules would prevent the culmination of a proper album for almost 11 years. To make up for lost time their collaborative project ‘FFS’ was put to tape in a mere fifteen days, which makes that album you’ve been recording for three years even more embarrassing to talk about. Because this is essentially a split release, we can’t in good faith include this one in the official rankings, but that by no means is a reason to not include it in your next Franz Phase.

Play It Again: “Little Guy From The Suburbs”
Skip It: “Call Girl”

1. Tonight (2009)

The cover of Franz Ferdinand’s ‘Tonight’ depicts a crime scene in which the band appears to be attempting to revive the lifeless body of bassist Bob Hardy. Upon hearing the opening bars of opening track ‘Ulysses,’ it’s easy to imagine his heart gave out after carrying the entire goddamn record. Not to say the other members didn’t contribute, but fucking damnit Hardy, save some for the rest of them. In addition to absolutely stellar bass lines, ‘Tonight’ showcases a darker side of the band. A side that is suddenly obsessed with murky analog synths and understated but heavy rhythmic backings. It’s also the band’s tightest record thematically and lyrically. The tracks on this album loosely revolve around the theme of a single chaotic night on the town as Kapranos and company take us down darkened alleys that previous records quickly ran by. All of these elements weave together to make an outing stronger than anything the band has released before or since. Put this one on and pretend you have some seductive mystique for once in your life.

Play It Again: If you aren’t done simultaneously crying and dancing yet.
Skip It: You would, you tasteless asshole.