NEW ORLEANS — Local teenager Sam Carter purchased a fully automatic assault rifle after failing to legally obtain fireworks, sources scared for their life confirmed.
“What a buzzkill,” said Carter. “Me and my boys just wanted to buy some sparklers, maybe a couple Roman Candles, for Fourth of July, and now all we have is this ten-pound, ammo-guzzling death machine. I guess having fun is illegal now. At the fireworks stand, the guy kept giving me all these warnings about ‘blowing off my fingers’ and ‘making too much noise.’ I was mad, but I understood why he wouldn’t let me slide. You don’t want such unsafe devices getting in the wrong hands. So, instead I walked to Walmart and bought an assault rifle, 30 magazines of ammunition, and a 12-pack of grenades at self-checkout. The security guard even saluted me.”
Walmart manager Travis Faulkner did everything by the book when selling Carter a firearm.
“Obviously, we ran a background check on the kid a few hours after he had bought the gun and left the store. After all, you have to abide by laws,” said Faulkner. “But this kid only had two accounts of theft, one measly assault and battery charge, and a year in juvenile detention for crashing a tractor into a Denny’s. That’s not enough to refuse the sale of military-style grade weaponry. Of course, I’m disappointed that he tried to buy fireworks in the first place — that’s just not something a kid should mess with. A whole nine innocent people died from fireworks last year. It’s a widespread issue.”
Local politician Barry Schultz had campaigned to ban fireworks in Louisiana his whole career.
“People always tell me ‘fireworks don’t injure people, people injure people,’” said Schultz. “What are those ‘people’ using, then? It’s not rocket science, y’all. If we take fireworks out of the hands of people that shouldn’t have them, we save lives. It works for hundreds of other countries. Now, if there was an amendment in the Constitution specifically mentioning fireworks, that’d be another story. But I skimmed that document once and the Founding Fathers said nothing about the right to bear Roman Candles.”
At press time, Carter was thankful not to have had any firework-related injuries despite accidentally shooting himself in the leg with his new rifle.