NEW YORK — Critical darling indie group The Neon Permanent is taking approximately 9 months out of their touring and recording efforts to compose music for a completely unwatchable, pretentious, shitty short film, much to the chagrin of fans.
“After three wildly successful albums, The Neon Permanent are about to embark on something even more exciting for our fans,” said frontman Sven Oligood, after a mysterious counter on their website ticked down to zero. “We are working with longtime friend and visionary director Karl Almendinger to soundtrack his short film ‘Dank Chrysalis.’ We hope to screen it at the Antarctica Film Festival in 2024, so get your tickets now. It may be your last chance to see us before we announce a slew of side-projects which will occupy our time for the next eight years.”
Fans of The Neon Permanent offered a variety of reactions to the announcement.
“Every fucking indie band does this. They write a handful of good albums then just fuck off and accept every bullshit, waste-of-time offer that comes their way,” complained diehard fan Haley Laredo, who has the chorus of the band’s song “The Lights, So Bright” tattooed on her calf. “No one is going to even be able to watch the film, which will suck absolute dog dick anyways. I watched one of Almendinger’s other films to see what he’s about, and he’s just a third-rate MICA dropout Jodorowsky ripoff. From now on I’m only listening to ska where at least the bands know they suck.”
Karl Almendinger is setting lofty expectations for his vision of the upcoming “Dank Chrysalis.”
“My film will explore the void between life and death. The gap between ecstasy and pain. The struggle between knowing and not knowing,” said Almendinger in an absolutely eye roll-inducing PR statement. “I don’t want to share too much, but Fred Armisen will be taking part in the film in a non-speaking role, and the opening 12 minutes feature a static shot of a ceiling fan. The Neon Permanent is making the soundtrack, and I am restricting them to only record the sound of power tools.”
At press time, the last remaining fans of The Neon Permanent are abandoning ship after the band announced a collaboration with marijuana retailer MedMen to create a special sativa blend.