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Report: Seeking Revenge Actually Way More Therapeutic Than Self Care

BOSTON — A new study from Harvard University revealed that retaliation and vengeance were far more beneficial to mental health than focusing on personal well-being, sources who couldn’t wait to try it out themselves confirmed.

“After conducting research on several test panels, the participants who opted to take the high road in certain adverse situations resulted in higher levels of agitation, including feeling resentful and irritable,” said Dr. Marjorie Benaiji, Professor of Social Ethics. “Almost all participants reported issues with rumination, particularly at bedtime, so in layman’s terms these folks are literally losing sleep over not getting even. Compared to other, more conventionally known sources of nervous system regulation such as hot tea, bubble baths, or long walks, seeking revenge delivers the satisfaction levels truly needed to move on with one’s life. You’re way better off leaving your former friend’s small business a terrible Yelp! review anonymously than letting your grudge fester. So go ahead and throw away your partner’s leftover takeout. They never do the dishes anyways.”

The study appeared to be accurate when put to the test.

“My roommate kept getting burned by random men. After a while she got fed up and started leaving bags of dog shit at their front doors instead of arguing with them,” said Kaylee Dreyfus, a Boston area paralegal. “I’ve noticed that ever since she’s been seeking revenge, she’s been sulking around the house less, not drinking as much, and a more positive person in general. It’s inspired me to also start getting payback, whenever legal. I work in a law office, and you’d be surprised how many acts of retribution are technically permissible by law.”

The research further revealed that more intense levels of resentment yielded much greater results.

“I have a certification in the Gottman Method which emphasizes couples turning towards each other in times of conflict, specifically when dealing with infidelity, money issues, and parenting,” said Dr. Claire Shoo, resident psychologist at Harvard Medical Center. “But in the last round of couples we studied, there was a wife who went behind the back of her cheating husband, sold his boat on Craigslist, and bought a solo plane ticket to Paris with the profit. She came back a week later with two new Chanel bags, he hasn’t said a word about it, and they’ve never gotten along better. Fascinating.”

At press time, Harvard researchers also discovered that small amounts of narcissism can be beneficial to mental health when compared to a sense of low self-worth.