FDA Warns Against Viral “Kill Yourself Challenge”

Posted on by Matt McInerney

SILVER SPRING, Md. — The U.S. Food and Drug Administration is warning against a new challenge that has gone viral on TikTok, pressuring teens to “unalive themselves” in a variety of ways that admittedly look pretty cool on camera.

“Good to see you all, here we go again: I’d like to issue a warning against what is being called the ‘Kill Yourself Challenge.’ Also, while I do understand that nothing matters anymore, it is not clear to me why this is my jurisdiction and not the CDC’s,” sighed Mina Bowman, FDA spokesperson, as she waved to familiar journalists. “I feel like the title of said challenge explains why this is a bad idea. We just don’t want to see anyone get hurt fighting a tiger in a meat suit. Or butt-chugging lighter fluid on a hibachi grill. Or jumping a dirt bike into helicopter blades, even if it looks ‘rad’ in slow motion. So, America, please, just skip this one.”

Kaylie Hickman, a local teen and avid TikTok user, has been debating whether to give this a shot.

“Yeah, I’m thinking it over. On the one hand, it does sound dangerous to jam your face into a woodchipper or take 37 Tylenol then have a heavyweight boxer hit you with body shots. But on the other hand, my friends have all tried at least one of these, and they seem mostly fine,” said Hickman as she stared across the street at a roadside memorial. “Also, my Dad says we can’t trust the FDA. Or the government. And also that the lizard people are coming to take the flat earth. So if that’s true, it’s probably fine to do what all of my friends are doing, which is jumping off a bridge.”

Ira Cooper, a White House medical advisor, is fucking done.

“Oh my fucking god. Get your fucking vaccine, don’t cook with NyQuil, don’t eat horse dewormer. And Jesus fucking Christ, don’t just straight up kill yourself in increasingly bizarre ways,” said Cooper. “How the fuck is my job real? I went to medical school, specialized in infectious diseases, practiced for three decades, and I’m really fucking good at medicine. And I’m smart as shit. But all I do is beg idiots not to die for internet attention. That’s all I do! I’m gonna be the one killing myself if this keeps happening.”

At the conclusion of the press conference, everyone was too tired to tell you not to cut your thumb off, so, like, go ahead or whatever.

Coming on Too Strong? This Waitress Just Asked if I Wanted a Drink

Posted on by Doug Kolic

I guess it’s asking too much to have a nice quiet meal with my family at this restaurant without being hit on every second. Why can’t this waitress, who’s totally my type, just do her damn job without trying to get into my pants? Lady, you’re coming on way too strong and, no, you can’t buy me a drink. But, yes, we would like to hear tonight’s specials.

Maybe it’s my fault for being an irresistible alpha who’s deep into crypto, but it’s stuff like this that gets me in the doghouse with my wife. She’s always accusing me of flirting and cheating on her with dozens of women over the years, causing her to “have trust issues” and wonder if “marrying me was the single worst decision of her life.” So I’m glad she’s here to see for herself how chicks are always trying to set me up with their incessant sexual advances.

Wow, now the server wants to know how I’d like my steak. That’s a bit personal and quite frankly crossing the line. She might as well just come out and ask me how big my penis is because it’s obvious that’s what she really wants to know.

I gotta get give this hot-to-trot seductress something to get her off my back. For the sake of my family maybe I’ll just show her a dick pic on my phone. If that doesn’t work I’m definitely going to have a word with that female manager over there, who’s also pretty hot.

To be honest I’ve lost my appetite. I’m just going to avoid eye contact, pay, and go home. But of course, now she’s drawn a cute little happy face on the bill which is a clear sign she intends to stalk me for as long as it takes to get me into bed. But if that’s what it takes to end this nightmare, I better just nut up and show my kids what a real man does for his family.

Review: Circa Survive “Two Dreams”

Posted on by Bobby Korec

Circa Survive are back with their double EP “Two Dreams” and we’re here to break it down for you whether you like it or not.

This new Circa Survive release is simply tremendous. From songs like “Imposter Syndrome” to “Electric Moose,” they really know how to play instruments and string together words. As you may know already, this thing is actually marketed as two EPs packaged as one whole release. Very sneaky, Circa.

While we’re at it we might as well note that this is also technically 15 separate singles all cemented on one offering. It all depends on how you look at it.

But it doesn’t stop there. It’s also approximately 45 verses and 15 choruses pressed on vinyl. Or if you really want to get pedantic, it’s 124 riffs, 3,450 words, and six total baselines compiled onto one digital download code, assuming it comes with one of those.

It’s also worth noting that this is 15 pre-choruses, 12 bridges, and another 11 outros together in one collection of music. And for all those who don’t mind spoilers, it’s exactly 352 G sharps, 426 A flats, 566 C sharps, and 201 A minors together at last on a single release.

We’d also be irresponsible if we didn’t mention that this album is essentially an amalgam of thousands of musical influences all wrapped into one band.

Not to mention, this entire piece of art is the result of 4.5 billion years of planetary evolution. After all, if it weren’t for Earth there would be no Circa Survive. And if there was no Circa Survive, this in-depth review would never have unfolded.

Long story short, there’s a whole lot going on in Circa Survive’s latest release and it’s far beyond what you might think, hear, or see with the naked eye. This release is just that good.

Score: 2 out of 2 EPs

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Tegan and Sara Show Sabotaged Again by WaTegan and SaraLuigi

Posted on by Ben Friedman

TORONTO — A recent Tegan and Sara show was allegedly sabotaged by their mischievous doppelgangers WaTegan and SaraLuigi, event coordinators reported.

“They think they’re so cool with their pop hooks and LGBTQ+ icon status, while my sister and I get punished for being straight sousaphone players. And now they also get a TV show when we went to the same high school too! It’s only natural that we fuck with them over and over,” said evil twin WaTegan. “Our plan has been to follow their tour and mess with every aspect of the show, like improving their posters with mustaches, locking roadies in cases, and programming every keyboard to only play the Marimba presets. I’m-a WaTegan and I’m-a gonna win! Wahaha!”

Tegan and Sara have been attempting to stave off their prankster adversaries for years without any luck.

“I always thought we were just having run-of-the-mill, Spinal Tap-esque touring mishaps because you know, that’s show business. But it was when we were touring for The Con we realized those dickriding copycats from senior year were fucking with us. Like the time in Philly we were playing the Electric Factory, and they were out front telling people the show was moved to an abandoned warehouse,” said Sara Quin. “They crossed the line at the last gig though, they set up a fake meet and greet and straight up berated our fans for 20 minutes before robbing them. Like, get a fucking life!”

Veteran showrunner Anne Jaeger has developed contingency plans for bands dealing with passionately dedicated troublemakers.

“Fans and trolls are always trying to sneak into shows for a thrill. These interlopers are pretty damn crafty, I mean they look like the real twins but with mustaches. We all thought Tegan and Sara were doing a bit until we heard them laugh like maniacs in a supply closet,” said Jaeger. “This is why we make sure we have our eye on the real talent at all times. I learned my lesson the hard way after the Shadow Ted Leo incident. It took us hours to powerwash all his graffiti off the rafters.”

Midway through the show, WaTegan and SaraLuigi burst onto the stage and challenged their rivals to final, winner-take-all matches of tennis, golf, and go-karts.

Opinion: Ska Is Still the Best Music Genre To Be Chased by Mall Security While Rollerblading

Posted on by Chris Bowen

Ska music seems to be the proverbial “whipping boy” of the counterculture music scene, but there is one vibe that ska is absolutely the best at capturing. Say what you will about the cheesy horns and even cheesier lyrics, ska provides the perfect soundtrack to when you’re in a race for your life with a rent-a-cop through a crowded shopping mall.

Don’t believe us? Just picture it. You and a couple friends are already in a fierce race with a rival rollerblading gang—who also love ska—and some bozo mall cop tries to step in and put a halt to all the zaniness. Not on your watch. And once those trumpets and upstrokes hit, you know that security guard will end up splashing around in the mall fountain while you blade away.

I guess you could outrun the mall Gestapo while playing punk or heavy metal, but to me, it just wouldn’t be the same. There’s no fun being chased to a song like “City Baby Attacked by Rats” or “Number of the Beast.” Where are the walking basslines? Where are the trombones? You need this happily bombastic, musical silly-string of a genre to successfully maintain innocence while also defying the law of the land.

So next time you or someone you know happens to be stuck in a situation where they are rollerblading in a mall that people still actually go to and a shithead mall cop tries to put a damper on your fun, just remember that the only proper way to escape the wrath of the bloated, tyrannical pseudo-gumshoe is to do it in style. The checkered, odd, geeky-yet-fun oriented style that comes with ska music.

We Caught up With the Forgotten Fifth Bar in Black Flag’s Logo

Posted on by Zachary Wolf

The Black Flag logo is one of punk’s most iconic images. It’s four simple bars that any drunk punk could quickly spray paint on a cop car. But behind those bars is a secret that not many people know. The original Black Flag logo featured five bars, not four.

After years of loose ends, sleepless nights, and ruined marriages, we finally tracked down the fifth bar. To protect its anonymity, let’s call it “Ricky.”

The Black Flag logo was created by Raymond Pettibone, a prolific graphic artist and brother of guitar player Greg Ginn. “Ricky” had collaborated with him on previous art installations, mostly as parts of letters with long straight pieces. Pettibone hired Ricky for the new logo, apparently, Ricky was never on board with the band’s iconography.

The Hard Times: Thanks for taking the time to talk with us. You’re not an easy bar to track down.
Ricky: No problem. No problem. It’s about time I tell my story.

Okay, so what exactly happened with you and the rest of the logo?
Back then you to be fucking hardcore to hang out with the ‘Flag, you know? I wasn’t about any of that weak shit, unlike bars two and four.

Was is that simple? Just a difference in lifestyle?
Hell yeah, brother. Lifestyle is everything in hardcore. What’d you think it was about, the music?Posers.

So what have you been doing since the split?
Same thing as always. Living real. I ain’t no theater kid who wants to jump around a stage playing rockstar. I’m real art.

Do you ever speak to any of the bars anymore?
I saw bar three a few years back. He’s in bad shape since they replaced him with some generic vector. Fuckin’ scab.

Thanks again for the time. Any plans for the future?
Hell yeah. Word has it that Bad Religion is looking to hire a new cross part of their logo, so you might not have seen the last of old Ricky after all!

Punk Clairvoyant Sees No Future

Posted on by Chris Bowen

RICHMOND, Va. — Local clairvoyant Brian Tilton allegedly possesses the ability to perceive one’s destiny but ultimately turns up seeing no future at all, multiple curious sources report.

“It seems as if every time I try to gaze into the future, I see none whatsoever because all evidence shows we are a damned species on a dying planet,” Tilton said before reiterating that he prefers to go by his professional name of Punk Rock Edgar Cayce. “As I peer into the vomit-filled toilet bowl of mystery, all of what I see is dire and bleak. It could be the fact that the current world climate is nothing but a cesspool of melancholy and despair that makes the future seem so shitty, or maybe it’s because I’m drunk right now and seeing doubles of everything and the room won’t stop spinning. Either way, I’ve been given this gift, and I aim to use it for the good of mankind.”

Rachel Reynolds sought out the services of Tilton in order to get some mystical insight into her future endeavors.

“I was at one of those psychic fairs at the Holiday Inn and that’s where I met Brian,” Reynolds explained. “I was feeling pretty good about my new job, new place, and new relationship, but that dude really made short work of that. Basically made me feel like shit about everything. He just kept singing ‘no future for you’ from that one Sex Pistols song over and over. I’m beginning to think he’s not a clairvoyant at all. I mean, I paid him 70 bucks for that bullshit! Thanks, douche.”

Local expert on prophets and seers John Rourke revealed that clairvoyants are often not who they make themselves out to be.

“Many alleged soothsayers of past and present haven’t actually predicted anything,” Rourke said in a clearly fake European accent. “A so-called seer by the name of Baba Venom claimed to be the world’s first heavy metal clairvoyant, but mostly just told you if you are or are going to be a poser based on what you were wearing at the time. Also, a clairvoyant who was really into ska was said to have foreseen the Less Than Jake song from that ‘Good Burger’ movie, but only made the prediction years after it came out. Last I checked, you can’t predict the past.”

At the time of press, Tilton was seen making the wildly accurate prediction that the girl you like won’t make it to your show.

Ska Band Roadie Sick of Having to Untangle All the Trombones Before Every Show

Posted on by Joe Rumrill

TULSA, Okla. — Local Hankerin’ For a Skankerin’ roadie Yancy Reynolds is reportedly sick and tired of constantly having to untangle the band’s jumbled trombones before each set, exasperated sources confirmed.

“I can’t believe I used to complain about having to untangle messes of cables. This is a thousand times harder. Why can’t they just put their trombones back neatly after they’re done?” said the long-suffering Reynolds. “The brass of the horn is so un-malleable, it takes me about two hours every night to separate them, and I can feel the crowd getting angry with me. It’s not my fault.”

Band members on the other hand had no plans to alter their post-show rituals, even if it would lead to streamlining the process.

“Look, I’m only one of nine trombonists in this band. If I’m expected to end my set and not just toss my ‘bone into a pile with the others, then the other eight are going to have to agree to that too. And those guys party even harder than me!” said Hankerin’ For a Skankerin’ trombone player Tabor Whitley. “The guy knew the job was dangerous when he took it. Try to find me a ska roadie that says they aren’t constantly untangling brass instruments I’ll show you a liar.”

Reynolds has reportedly taken his complaints to the top of the chain, sending his pleas to the Mayor of Ska Rudy “Rudeboy” Guiliskani.

“I have looked over the roadie’s appeal and let me state, for the record, that I am denying Mr. Reynolds’ motion to make Hankerin’ For a Skankerin’ a hornless band,” said Guiliskani. “I will see to it that something like that never, ever happens under my regime as Mayor of Ska. The notion has rocked me, and my community, to its core. So let it be known, if Mr. Reynolds sees a jumble of trombones lying on the dressing room floor before a show, he will have to do what we in the ska community have been doing for centuries. And that’s pick it up.”

At press time, Reynolds decided to quit the group entirely after hearing the band discussing adding 12 sousaphone players to fill out their sound.

Band Playing House Show Being Upstaged by Terrarium

Posted on by Joe Rumrill

WEST ORANGE, N.J. — Sullen members of stoner metal group Doom Daddies played to a nearly basement Friday, as the majority of the crowd went upstairs to gawk enthusiastically at the house’s sick terrarium, dispirited sources confirmed.

“It’s a pretty bad sign when the ‘oohs’ and ‘aahs’ coming from people looking at a damn lizard or whatever are louder than three Orange amp stacks. Only three people watched our set, meanwhile the terrarium had a mosh pit going in front of it any time the salamander poked it’s head out,” said Doom Daddies drummer Cary Pomerantz. “And the worst part of it all is, by the time we had finished and gone upstairs to check it out, all the animals were hidden inside the little castles in there, asleep. We wanted to see too! Worst show we’ve ever played by a long shot.”

Attendees of the house show reported being so zealous for the reptile enclosure that most didn’t even know there was a band playing downstairs.

“Dude, we were so fuckin’ pumped on that terrarium. Skinks, geckos, chameleons, even a bunch of little anoles skittering around puffing out their neck dewlaps…everyone was going nuts for it. At one point, someone brought out a bag of crickets to feed them, and people were bouncing off the walls. It was really something special,” said showgoer Latoyah Philips. “I heard later that there was a band playing downstairs the whole time, but lucky for us, you couldn’t hear them too much. Best show I’ve ever gone to by a long shot.”

Professor of Herpetology Dr. Timothy Milsap says it’s no surprise that a crowd of people would flock toward a terrarium over a band.

“It’s a proven scientific fact that even the suggestion of possibly seeing a reptile in the flesh releases a flood of endorphins to the brain, equal to a full body massage. It’s little wonder why nobody wanted to watch the band. I mean, c’mon…there’s a terrarium!” said Kramer. “It’s no contest, and the human brain knows that. It’s just plain instinct.”

“The power of music is certainly a palpable thing,” Kramer added. “But it will always lose out to the power of gawking at an iguana.”

At press time, Doom Daddies decided to let bygones be bygones and join the terrarium on a three-week West Coast tour this winter as its opening act.

If Buying Booze for Underage Kids Is Wrong Why Am I Suddenly the Coolest Teacher in School?

Posted on by Doug Kolic

I’d like to start off this hearing by stating for the record that this is an absolute witch hunt. The faculty members and parents who’ve been complaining about my behavior are nothing more than a bunch of haters. Look, people. If buying booze for my students is so wrong, then why the hell am I suddenly the coolest teacher in school?!

If thinking outside the box gets our students excited to come to class, what’s the problem? Sure, some of them may be there strictly for the booze, but I made sure to give those students C’s so it’s all good. And so what if it’s technically illegal. I’ve got the lowest truancy rate in this school and, more importantly, these kids think I’m a legend. Nobody gets as many compliments slurred at them in the hallway as I do.

I didn’t become an educator because I care about things like math or science. I got into it after I watched “Dangerous Minds” and realized I could make a difference by wearing a leather jacket and doing sick martial arts. Michelle Pfeiffer became a hero in that movie for bribing her students with candy bars and amusement parks and I did the same thing only with peach schnapps and vodka. Yet Pfeiffer won a Blockbuster Entertainment Award, yet the only thing I’m being asked to accept right now is loss of employment and possible jail time.

What, you want me to be like all these other boring, loser teachers at this school? You ever see Mr. Johnson get hoisted up on his students’ shoulders in celebration? Sure, those drunk teenagers stumbled and dropped me pretty hard, but fortunately I was blacked out so it didn’t hurt until the next day.

We owe it to our students to try new methods to get through to them. And if those methods involve a classroom kegger every now and then, who are you to judge? Your honor.

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