Much like TV, ice cream, and porn, pets exist solely to distract us from the inevitability of death. Well, until they die. Then our mortality…
DENVER — Local Weezer fan Andy Chaplin ate mosquitos, lampreys and other parasites off of local Pantera fan Chad Stern’s back yesterday in exchange for…
LOS ANGELES — Local Boy Scout Matthew Bolz allegedly did not realize that the old woman he aided across the street yesterday was actually heavy…
WASHINGTON — Capitol security officials announced this morning that the inauguration of President-elect Joe Biden will be secured by 25,000 National Guard Troops and one…
Alright shithead, listen up. I put on my little song and dance about how much I like your band’s new single. I gushed about it…
I’m hardly alone in saying that 2020 was a less-than-stellar year. Instead of letting disappointment get the better of me, I’m more motivated than ever…
Put down that well-done fillet mignon, king! Sure, it tastes good and isn’t full of foodborne pathogens, but you’re missing out on the greatest health…
Yeah dude, I love going to local shows! I go to at least one show a week, mostly on Sundays in the morning. Wait, we…
CLEVELAND — Four members of Cleveland-based Lynyrd Skynyrd tribute band That Smell were killed earlier this morning in a tragic accident caused by a loss…
With 15 films under his belt, it’s safe to say that M. Night Shyamalan has had a prolific career. This is a problem since most…
It is with a heavy heart that I must announce that I was forced to close my beloved indie movie theater. I’ve done all I…
After watching “Midsommar” for the first time, I told my friends “Man, thank christ Scandinavians aren’t real. That would be terrifying.” He then said to…
Uh-oh! Part-time U2 frontman and full-time mischievous goblin-creature Bono has kidnapped my firstborn son! The only way to get him back is to guess Bono’s…
CHICAGO — Local punk Kyla Waters has spent the past 24 hours trying to decide if her roommate’s new tattoo either looks nothing like Jack…
With many fans online calling it an outright betrayal, the Spider-Man community was up in arms earlier today after discovering that the Republic of Bulgaria…