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Weezer Fan Eats Parasites off Pantera Fan in Exchange for Protection

DENVER — Local Weezer fan Andy Chaplin ate mosquitos, lampreys and other parasites off of local Pantera fan Chad Stern’s back yesterday in exchange for protection from other aggressive metal dudes, sources reported.

“I would’ve been torn apart by that pack of Mudvayne fans if Chad hadn’t stepped in and charged three of them. He offered to keep protecting me so long as I agreed to live on his back and keep his skin clean. How can you say no to free protection, no rent and an endless food supply?” said Chaplin, while scanning Stern’s neck folds for fly larvae. “Sure, he loves Pantera and has an arrest record, and I like Weezer and can’t eat cream without my insides boiling, but we’re made for each other.”

“Yeah, I have to eat a few leeches and the occasional burrowed Sum 41 fan, but it’s a pretty laid back life… save for that one time we went and saw Phil Anselmo,” he added. “I really had my parasite-eating work cut out for me that night.”

Stern is also reaping the benefits of his symbiotic relationship with Chaplin, but noted that it would end the minute he ever felt hungry.

“There’s a constant urge to take that twerp off my back, shake off his cardigan and take a bite out of his skull, but I suppress it since he’s actually pretty useful. I used to spend hours picking bugs off my back, but since Chaplin eats them for me I can focus on learning the drum part to ‘Becoming’ and committing arson,” said Stern. “That being said, we do have a few ground rules: if I hear anything off ‘Pinkerton’ or run out of Slim Jims, I’m going to eat Chaplin without hesitating. But that hasn’t happened yet, so I guess he’s here to stay.”

Chaplin and Stern’s case is the latest in a long tradition of mutually beneficial pairings of different types of music fans.

“The cooperation between these two is novel, but nothing new,” said music fan mutualism expert Ava Riggs. “Happens all the time, in fact: Pavement fans live inside the stringy, blonde dreadlocks of Primus fans; KISS fans will often disguise themselves as Juggalos for acceptance, and vice versa. Even Slayer fans will keep around a John Mayer fan or two in case their weed guy isn’t picking up.”

At press time, Stern was pretending to understand what a Joe Rogan fan was talking about.