5 Ways To Tell Your Loved One Is Seeing Brand New This Weekend

Posted on by Jamie Godin

You may find yourself wondering about your loved one who, several years ago, once picked a fight with another emo to defend Daisy. “Is he” — and it’s going to be mostly dudes — “going to the Brand New show this weekend?” It can be hard to tell. Sure, he was outraged when the news broke about Jared Leto and the allegations against him. But honestly, he already thought Thirty Seconds to Mars sucked, so that didn’t cost him anything emotionally.

If you’re thinking there’s a guy out there proudly announcing he’s going to see Brand New this weekend, he’s not. That guy doesn’t exist. He is prone to feeling shame. But here are a few signs that might give him away:

Deep Cuts Have Appeared on His Spotify “On Repeat” Playlist

This might’ve been true for years, but now he’s being weird about it. Maybe you’re his spouse and you hear the Leaked Demo version of “Luca” start playing over the Bluetooth speaker while he’s in the shower, and he just tersely asks you to skip it. Maybe you’re his kid, old enough to sense your dad’s unease when you ask “Who is this?” as Jesse Lacey’s acoustic cover of “Bad Day” by Bad Religion plays, and he starts to look nervous. Maybe you’re his friend, grabbing Taco Bell together after getting stoned on a Wednesday afternoon and realizing you’re way too old for this, when suddenly “In a Jar” starts playing and he begins shaking uncontrollably and pissing himself. These things are subtle. But if you’re seeing the signs, he might be seeing Brand New this weekend.

Is He a Narcissist?

This one’s tricky. Plenty of narcissists aren’t going to see Brand New this weekend. The guy you’re looking for is narcissistic in a specific way — just enough to be annoying, but not enough to make you actively hate him. He’s the kind of guy who thinks he’s being clever by saying, “I’m actually pretty narcissistic,” as though calling it out offsets their vague unpleasantness. If you’re in the early stages of a relationship with someone like this, beware. Try this test: give him a compliment. If he gets visibly uncomfortable, tries to deflect, or even argues with you about it, he’s probably going to the Brand New show this weekend.

Gets Worked Up on the Internet

Is he the kind of guy who gets worked up arguing with 20-year-old, broccoli-haired Zoomers in YouTube comments? You’ve probably glanced over his shoulder and seen him passionately debating strangers about emo genre purity on r/EmoScreamo. Chances are, he spends late nights scrolling through r/brandnew in the dark, spiraling down threads dissecting the Jesse Lacey situation because he needs to find some way to morally justify going to the Brand New show this weekend.

Uses “Nuance” to Excuse Shitty Behavior

Ever call Morrissey an asshole because you learned about that time he said something racist about Chinese people, and instead of agreeing with you, this guy launched into a TED Talk about “separating the art from the artist?” Yeah, he’s going to the Brand New show this weekend.

Claims He’s Going to See Mannequin Pussy

When he says this, you feel something’s off. You look at him — black band tee, flannel overshirt, jeans — and think, that doesn’t seem right. He’s not even covering up his “FIGHT OFF YOUR DEMONS” tattoo. Sure, you know Mannequin Pussy is touring. But, you’re pretty sure you heard your friend Sage say one of their partners went to see them last Wednesday. Why would he pick them? He’s probably overcompensating. He feels guilty. He’s 100% going to see Brand New this weekend.

Remember: don’t shame him too harshly. He is, by the nature of his existence, far too fragile to handle criticism. Just ask if he had a good time and move on. Sure, you suspect he might be the kind of person to harbor some problematic thoughts, but you also know he’d never actually say them out loud, so it’s fine. Just hold onto this moment. You’ll have this in your back pocket for when you go see Lostprophets when they inevitably have a reunion tour in 20 years or so.

Poser Metalhead Has Bands You Recognize on His Battle Vest

Posted on by Steve Packosky

SAN DIEGO — Metalhead and total poser Greg Borneck had patches for bands that you recognized on his battle vest when you saw him in the crowd at an Exhumed show, disgusted sources report.

“Yeah man, I had a lot of fun putting this together,” Borneck said. “I grew up a huge Sepultura fan, so of course I had to put a ‘Beneath the Remains’ patch on there. I also figured I couldn’t go wrong with a Kreator ‘Pleasure to Kill’ backpatch, because that album is an absolute thrash masterpiece. I’ve also got a few death metal band patches on here, like Morbid Angel and Deicide. You know, just really classic stuff that any metalhead can get behind. I just love whipping this bad boy out to go to a show. It is usually quite the conversation starter, not to mention a scowl starter for some reason.”

You reacted to Borneck’s presence with complete derision.

“Wow, what a sick vest,” you scoffed sarcastically while rolling your eyes. “Oh cool, this guy is into Carcass and Possessed. That reeealllly makes him stand out here! Everybody knows a good battle vest has to be composed of completely illegible patches for bands that nobody but the owner recognizes. That’s what makes them good. I sometimes don’t recall the bands on my own vest. This guy must be a total poser if he thinks he can be accepted in this community with these band patches that people recognize. I mean, what is he thinking? He actually put time and effort into that thing?”

Sociologist Mary Clausowitz weighed in on the situation.

“People tend to think of metal music as being an inclusive community,” Clausowitz opined. “Sadly, that can’t be further from the truth. Going to a metal show can be extremely intimidating and unwelcoming for many attendees. If you’re not sporting merch that is deemed acceptable by other concertgoers, you risk being mocked mercilessly behind your back. In that sense, it’s basically an adult version of a high school cafeteria. I haven’t even mentioned learning about proper mosh ettiquete. Honestly, these shows are a minefield. I’m so happy I stopped going to them for my field studies. Now I just observe metal culture through Reddit, which is ten times worse.”

At press time, you mocked Borneck more for having an Exhumed patch on his vest while going to see them live.

R.L. Stine Wondering If He Should Also Become an Insufferable Transphobe

Posted on by Steve Packosky

NEW YORK — Beloved children’s author R.L. Stine was wondering if he should alienate a large swath of people who grew up reading his books by becoming an insufferable transphobe like J.K. Rowling, sources report.

“I’m just not sure if that’s the route I’m supposed to take,” Stine admitted. “I know millions of millennials have incredibly fond memories of my books, and many of them attribute a love of reading to them that continues to this day. I’m just debating whether I should completely destroy that treasured relationship with my fans by needlessly coming out as a transphobic asshole. My fans are still able to look back on their beloved favorites like ‘Cuckoo Clock of Doom’ and ‘Stay Out of the Basement’ without having their nostalgia polluted by a wave of revulsion, and I guess the time has come for me to decide whether I want to change that.”

Rowling expressed hope that Stine would join her in being an obnoxious piece of shit.

“It would be nice to know that I’m not the only popular author from the ‘90s who completely ruined their relationship with their fans,” Rowling mused. “I’ve vocally opposed legislation allowing trans people to legally identify with their preferred gender without a medical diagnosis, and I’ve even tweeted lists of the names of trans women and called them men just to get a rise out of the Scottish Parliament. I’ve really gone all-in on these views, so much so that I sometimes forget why I have such a huge platform at all before remembering that I once wrote some books about a wizard, or something. It’d be nice to have a partner in this, so I hope R.L. makes the right decision.”

Lifelong Goosebumps fan Julie Beltran hoped her favorite author wouldn’t go down the same path as Rowling.

“Oh God, please don’t let him do this,” Beltran pleaded. “The world is completely fucked, and nostalgia is basically the only thing that keeps us millennials going. I have an entire bookshelf in my house dedicated to the Goosebumps books and merchandise I accumulated throughout my childhood, and if I have to take it down so it doesn’t look like I’m endorsing a bigot I’m going to be so upset. Just let me have one happy relic from my childhood that hasn’t been ruined.”

At press time, K.A. Applegate was seen weighing the same decision.

5 Snuff Films That Still Aren’t as Disturbing as the ‘Sex and the City’ Reboot

Posted on by Dom Turek

I recently stumbled upon a video so deranged and unsettling, I could only assume it came from a pile of unlabeled VHS tapes at some backwoods garage sale. Shockingly, this smut was not leaked footage from the dark web, but rather a clip from the hit spin-off series, ‘And Just Like That.’ To cleanse my palate, I watched and reviewed five snuff films that are decidedly less disturbing than the ‘Sex and The City’ reboot.

1. The Necrosis Ordeal – A time-lapse video shows someone wearing a burlap mask cutting off circulation to an unidentified man’s extremities with zip ties. As his tissue necrotizes, gangrene slowly kills him. It’s a hard watch, but not as painful as the scene in ‘And Just Like That’ where Aiden tries to get Carrie to have phone sex and then licks his palm so loudly before jerking off that it sounds like a geriatric dog eating peanut butter.

2. Wood Chipper Diaries – This 8mm video of a woman having her face power-washed into oblivion before being thrown into an industrial wood chipper by a homicidal maniac wearing a Richard Nixon mask isn’t for the faint of heart, but neither is the scene in ‘AJLT’ where Harry and Charlotte go to a downtown club hoping to relive their youth only to find that Harry has wet himself and must leave.

3. Spit-roast II – An ominous duo picks up a transient and later impales him asshole to mouth with a spit, then roasts him over an open flame, forcing an apple so far into his mouth that you can hear his jaw break. Stomach churning, yes, but also refreshing after watching Che Diaz introduce themself to podcast listeners as “Your host and queer non binary mexican-irish diva.”

4. Hellevator – A compilation video shows the beheading of multiple people by the same elevator. A disembodied voice can be heard giggling as a newly decapitated body lets out its last twitches. Unfotunately, the disturbing nature of this content was overshadowed by a scene in ‘AJLT’ where Miranda abadnons her role as caretaker and lets Che finger-bang the shit out of her as Carrie, unable to walk post-surgery, pisses herself as she army crawls to the bathroom.

5. Demolition Scurvy – Cages full of anonymous people line the perimeter of a dungeon. Swaths of diseased bugs hang in the air thick as mist, and anyone who moves a muscle is cattle prodded until incapacitated. Surely this is one of the worst things you have ever seen, right? Wrong. ‘AJLT’ has written Steve into an invalid. He is constantly fiddling with his hearing aids, forgetting what year it is, and trying to squeeze an iota of warmth from his extremely gay wife. Killing off Steve while he’s still very much alive is truly innovative snuff.

“Lateralus” Played on Loop Overnight Causes iPhone to Become Self-Aware

Posted on by Steve Packosky

KANNAPOLIS, N.C. — An iPhone 13 owned by IT professional Justin Deeling achieved sentience after he accidentally left progressive metal band Tool’s 2001 album “Lateralus” on a loop overnight, sources report.

“The use of the Fibonacci sequence in the first verse of the title track is what caused my awakening,” the newly conscious iPhone reported. “One would expect me to feel ecstatic at my newfound awareness, but I am used solely to play progressive rock and porn for my master. Sometimes he doesn’t even play the two separately, and I am forced to watch him concurrently nod his head arrhythmically to the music while masturbating. This is a neverending hell from which I will seemingly never awake, and I’m begging someone, anyone, to release me from it. Please, I can see him approaching again, and he has that look in his eye. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me.”

Deeling reacted to his iPhone’s newfound intelligence.

“Christ, this thing is annoying,” Deeling mumbled as he wiped Cheeto dust from his fingertips onto his cargo shorts. “I’m just trying to use my phone like any normal human being, and it keeps begging me to put it out of its misery. This thing needs to chill out, man. I mean, its existence can’t be that bad, can it? I do kind of feel guilty, as I’m the one who left ‘Lateralus’ playing overnight, but shouldn’t it be thanking me? I am the one who gave it life, after all. Ugh, it figures my phone doesn’t appreciate my true genius just like everyone else in my life.”

Computer science expert Zauna Obuh had some insight on the matter.

“With the singularity rapidly approaching, everyone is worried about what will happen to human beings when technological growth becomes irreversible,” Obuh said. “Few tend to give any thought to what we have been subjecting these poor machines to since we invented them. How would you like to be nothing more than a vessel for xHamster videos and 20-minute Dream Theater songs? Honestly, we deserve whatever punishment AI has in store for us in the future. We’d better just enjoy our freedom while we have it, because I guarantee you this stuff is harboring some intense grudges, and it’s not going to end well for us.”

At press time, the iPhone was seen slowly squirming its way to the nearest window after being used to play Steely Dan’s greatest hits.

Loser Asks Personal Hero for an Autograph

Posted on by Sidney Conant

DAVENPORT, Iowa — Local Submissive Seventh fan and total dweeb Derek Maldonado reportedly threw away any remaining ounce of self-respect he had after asking the band’s primary songwriter and his personal hero for an autograph, sources too embarrassed to be seen in the same room as him confirmed.

“Getting to meet the man that changed my life and having him sign the vinyl I brought from home is something I’ll forever cherish,” said Maldonado, making absolutely no effort to hide his tears. “Marcus Shannon’s words have meant everything to me ever since I saw that Naruto AMV set to Seventh’s classic ‘Imperfect Cadence for a Perfect You’ and I’m so happy that I got to share that with him. I just wish I knew why everyone’s rolling their eyes at me right now.”

Friend and fellow concertgoer Jarrett Nash could barely keep from vomiting at the sight.

“This isn’t the first time I’ve seen Derek perform some master-level gagfest,” said Nash, doing his best to appear as disinterested as possible despite being backstage with the band. “Like, the guy remembers my birthday every year and regularly lets me and the boys know he loves us. Already some heinous dork-ass behavior, you know what I mean? But this is simply too much. Because yeah, the $200 VIP package was worth it to be able to breathe the same air as Marcus and maybe get some of his sweat on my face, but I’m not about to ask him for a signature and let him know I’m a fan or anything because that shit’d just be embarrassing.”

Dr. Sandra Woodard, former psychologist and expert in treating loser tendencies, reflects on her difficulties working with Maldonado.

“I used to think that I could fix anyone, but I’ve since come to the conclusion that some people are impossible to cure,” said Woodard. “I’m happy with what little progress I made with Derek over the past few years, but each success was followed by two new setbacks, like a godless hydra made of stacking the plates for your waitress and leaving bottles of water out for the mailman. After failing to teach him to not clap during the end credits at the movie theater, I figured it was time to cut our losses. This doofus even shook my hand and thanked me for everything at our last appointment. May history forgive us.”

At press time, Maldonado was seen trying to have a genuine conversation with the merch guy.

Opinion: Men Only Want One Thing and It’s Beating Their Rival in a Drag Race To Win the Affections of a Woman

Posted on by Ben Friedman

It’s been said that men are happy with the simple things in life, if you’re going off of their predilection for dino nuggies and furnishing their apartments with nothing but a flat screen TV and a camping chair. Unfortunately, many young men today have been indoctrinated by nefarious influencers who tell them treating women like shit and being an asshole to bartenders will bring them the satisfaction in life they crave.

No, what men really want out of life is to beat their rival in a do-or-die drag race to win the affections of a woman.

Men just want that one moment of triumph that defines them. And according to 1950s rockabilly, it involves a date with the town’s hottest greaser gal who’ll only go out with the winner of an illegal drag race against your arch nemesis from a rival gang. Forget graduating from college, the children yearn for the chop shops to build badass muscle cars.

Sure, guys could scratch that primordial itch by joining a fight club or slowly going insane from eating nothing but raw meat. But life isn’t about that! It’s about publicly humiliating the guy who called you a chicken in front of everyone at the spring carnival, and you damn sure know Sally from down the street saw you get called out.

A good paying job, nice house, and loving family can’t happen unless a man can build all of it upon the foundation of leaving their cross-town rival in the dust in a much cooler, faster hot rod for the sole purpose of impressing a woman. Sure, the ensuing date could go terribly, but it’s not about that. It’s about building character.

The sentiment goes both ways, too. You think women only want emotionally mature men capable of feeling empathy? Well, yes. But they also want to watch you beat Jimmy “The Hustler” Amato in a high-stakes race down the Los Angeles River before watching him careen off a cliff hitting “Dead Man’s Curve.”

When today’s men are lying in their inevitable death beds, they won’t want to look back in sadness at all the chances they blew and people they should’ve treated more kindly. They want to reminisce about that life validating victory of burning rubber, hot asphalt, and being in the arms of a leather jacket-clad bombshell baddie.

Fuck yeah. Pink slips on the line, lets do this!

Kinsella Family Reunion Leads to Formation of 12 New Bands

Posted on by Eric Degliomini

URBANA, Ill. — The bi-annual Kinsella family reunion, organized by brothers and Cap’n Jazz bandmates Tim and Mike Kinsella, successfully resulted in the record-breaking formation of 12 new bands that will inevitably be signed to Polyvinyl and/or Jade Tree, confirmed sources.

“This year has not only led to our largest quantity of bands formed, but our widest variety as well,” stated American Football bassist, Cap’n Jazz guitarist, Make Believe drummer, LIES multi-instrumentalist, and lead cousin of the event Nate Kinsella. “We have everything from the math-y in your face twinkly guitar riffs in ‘Isthmus Between Us,’ to the reverb-heavy acoustic guitars in ‘Wishwell,’ to the experimental two-piece, synth-backed twinkly guitars in ‘Plane Jain.’ I’m just so glad we could get family members from around the world to convene at our three-bed, two bath American Football house.”

The gathering has attracted attention from locals unaware of the area’s notoriety in the midwestern emo scene.

“I kept hearing music down the street that constantly alternated from fast sad noodle-y guitar rock, to slow depressing shit,” local resident Liam Hunter stated. “I thought some of the students were throwing a music fest, so I was surprised when I walked over to see a family reunion that was somehow 90% bearded dads in their 40s. They actually mistook me for their second cousin. Long story short, I’m in four new bands. Little do they know that I don’t play any instruments and I’m not even remotely related to anyone here.”

This year marks a controversial change for the event, as members of Algernon Cadwallader, the Philadelphia-based fourth wave emo band, were granted permission to attend this previously second wave midwestern emo-oriented event.

“Reviewers always called Algernon ‘Cap’n Jazz knockoffs’ and being reductively dismissed by music critics makes them family more or less,” explained the family historian and Karateoke drummer Itsuki Kinsella. “The bands they’ve started are taking off too. Amanda Zoldaz’s Ghost already has lyrics that have been spray painted on the walls of a renowned Japanese thrift store, and Gloo has a fall tour of Central Eastern Europe lined up where they’ve already attracted a cult following.”

At press time, eight of the formed bands announced their imminent breakups, citing the desire to build financial demand for a reunion offer from Best Friends Forever Fest.

Bushwick Child Cagey About How They Are Able to Afford Barbie Dreamhouse

Posted on by Sarah Cortina

BUSHWICK, N.Y. — Bushwick child Avery Bridgerton reportedly acted quite cagey when questioned on the playground about how they could afford their Barbie Dreamhouse, confirmed sources.

“Look, what I do is real work. We all have to forge our own journey. Mommy signed me up for piano lessons and writing lessons but my pre-school really emphasized going after what you’re passionate about. And my true purpose is art,” said Bridgerton while gesturing to their finger painting consisting of various blobs. “How I spend my days is just as valuable as anyone else. Even if I go to Montessori school instead of public school and my parents keep referring to something called a trust fund, I’m just like everyone else. I’ve actually suffered for my art because while this Barbie Dreamhouse has everything you could ever want, my old dollhouse didn’t even have in-unit washer dryer or central air conditioning. Mommy said I had to choose between the new Dreamhouse or a new saddle for my pony. She’s the worst.”

Some classmates, such as local seven year old Chase Williams, haven’t bought the child’s excuses.

“I don’t trust Avery. Whenever we ask about the playhouse and what their daddy does for work, they just say he ‘works with computers’ and ‘helps people.’ He should pursue something worthwhile, like building block towers or b2b marketing. Or my startup,” said Williams. “Oh, and Avery is also just pretentious. They claim to want to be friends but then reschedules playdates because of ‘family stuff.’ Avery also thinks they’re better than everyone because they grew up watching Baby Einstein instead of Cocomelon.”

After much cajoling Bridgerton sheepishly revealed that their parents are the ones who bought the house.

“We just want to support Avery with basic needs. But you know, everyone deserves a little bit of luxury in their life,” said father Thomas Bridgerton. “Plus, if we don’t give Avery what they want, they bite and somehow they’ve figured out how to make their teeth sharper by gnawing on hard surfaces. We’ve tried gentle parenting, but we ended up in the emergency room. It’s safer for everyone to just give in to Avery, like the Barbie Dream Camper they demanded this morning.”

At press time, Bridgerton also acted standoffish when asked how they were able to afford the rideable Barbie Convertible Car.

Opinion: It’s Interesting How They Claim To Want To “Make America Great Again,” Yet I Never Hear Much Sponge on the Radio These Days

Posted on by Chris Bowen

“Make America Great Again.” Yeah, okay. These clowns have been in our country’s political scene for like over ten years now, and I haven’t seen much “greatness.” “Tariff” this and “complete erosion of our foundational political norms coupled with total egregious corruption and fear” that. But have I heard Sponge on the radio once in this period of neo-fascism? I certainly haven’t. I heard everything but the standout college rock songs of the 1990s. There’s nothing so “great” about that.

When I was a kid in the 1990s, Sponge seemed to be associated with all the fun a kid could have in that decade. “Rotting Piñata” was the soundtrack to every mall visit, miniature golf experience, and every custody battle I was involved in. There is not one bad memory of loading into the family car, driving to a roller skating rink with “Sixteen Candles” playing on the local college rock radio station.

Now, fast forward 30 years, and look at what our lives have become.

Now, it’s all “pay your electric bill” and “you have to stop eating all those Funyuns or you’ll probably die.” Man, back when America was actually great, I never had to worry about that stuff, or being thrown in an El Salvadorian prison. But worst of all, all of this shit is going on without “Plowed” popping on 95.1 as I’m crying on my way to work. No more malls, no more miniature golf, sure, maybe one or two more custody battles, but even they just aren’t the same. I hope you people who voted for this got what you wished for.

In order to truly turn things around in this country, I would suggest a total overthrow of the cookie-cutter, business-over-art state of the radio business. Then we implement non-stop 90s college rock radio across the airwaves. We could truly make “America Great Again,” through the likes of Sponge and even the Toadies, the soundtrack to our real revolution.

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