We Look Back on Ween’s “Chocolate and Cheese” Because They Banned Pornhub in Our State

Posted on by Drew Drevyanko

In 1994, two charming idiots from New Hope, Pennsylvania, Aaron Freeman and Mickey Melchiondo (a.k.a. Gene and Dean Ween), gave us one of the most defining alt-rock albums of our generation, Chocolate and Cheese. Abandoning their signature lo-fi aesthetic for a professional studio, Ween proved they were ready to take their absurdist pop genius to the big leagues, creating a masterpiece that includes 60s psych-pop melodies, 70s funk rhythms, and an album cover that I am once again masturbating to.

Republican lawmakers can take away my God-given right to Pornhub, but they can’t take away my rights to pleasure myself while my wife and kids are at the grocery store. Speaking of, the first track “Take Me Away,” is a sweaty, Vegas-inspired jam that highlights Freeman’s impressive vocal range and showman skills, while Melchiondo’s fuzzed-out solo perfectly rounds out this opening ripper. You know what else is perfectly round? That set of boobs on the cover.

My lord, that underboob! It’s somehow even better than seeing regular, naked boobs. It leaves so much more to the imagination, like that time in college when Kimmy DeLuca almost had a nip slip at a car wash fundraiser for the field hockey team.

“Freedom of 76”, one of the most powerful tracks on the album, is a soulful nod to the city of Philadelphia. The jazz minor 7 chords by Dean, and the stirring falsetto vocals by Gene combine to create the quintessential soundtrack to rubbing one out to the sexiest headless woman I’ve ever seen.

With one hand on my penis, and the other on the Boognish, I’ve gotta say, I’ve never been this turned on by a belt before. I’ve experimented with belts in the past, but never thought of simply putting it around the waist.

In the Beatles meets Elliot Smith flavored “Baby Bitch,” Gener softly serenades us with the painful and vulgar, “Fuck you, you stinkin’ ass ho” which happens to be the opening line to the voicemails I’m leaving my state representatives until they bring Pornhub back.

Chocolate and Cheese cemented Ween as cult heroes and helped define their beautiful, fucked up universe for all of us to live in. With songs like “Spinal Meningitis (Got Me Down)”, “Buenos Tardes Amigos,” and “The HIV Song,” it’s probably the only album that can give you an aneurysm and an orgasm at the same time. For any fan of good music and even better tits, it’s an important album to have in the collection…until you can find a VPN to connect you back to Pornhub.

Merch Guy Rehearsing Not Making Eye Contact in Venue Bathroom Mirror

Posted on by Evan Vest

SANTA CRUZ, Calif. — Merch guy Darren Byrum for touring band Hung Jury was found rehearsing his lack of eye contact in the bathroom of The Catalyst, confirmed sources who skipped washing their hands to avoid disturbing him.

“As a merchandise coordinator, there’s a real fine art when it comes to being unaffected by your customers,” said Byrum. “The busiest time of any night is after the band’s set. The music sells the merch, and it’s extremely important to not let these alt-kids walk all over you with their simple questions and requests for a bundle deal. Showing these kids your eyes is akin to a dog showing its belly. That’s why I need to practice looking at anything except for my own eyeballs in the mirror. I do this for about two to three hours before showtime to really get myself in the right frame of mind.”

The band’s lead singer Terry Priors explained how this lack of customer service helped Byrum secure the job.

“Oh man, Darren didn’t even look at me the first several times we met,” Priors said while rolling a spliff with dirty hands. “I was impressed with the lack of enthusiasm for almost everything, so I sent him a text asking if he would like to jump on the road with us for the next tour. After three days he finally replied by sending back a message that just said, ‘k.’ I knew right then we had the right guy for the job. I don’t even know what his last name is and that’s how it should be. You should never get too close with your merch guy.”

Hung Jury fan Mike Stills recounted his experience in finding Byrum in the restroom.

“The first thing I found jarring was walking into the restroom to find somebody standing by the sink,” said Stills. “I quickly realized it was the merch guy rehearsing in the mirror. He was scrolling on his phone and any time he would glance up at his reflection he would verbally admonish himself. I also heard him repeatedly saying the mantra ‘Sorry, we’re out of mediums’ over and over.”

At press time, Byrum’s run as merch guy came to an end that night, as the band agreed to let him go after word spread that he laughed at a customer’s joke.

Six Songs We’re Listening To This Week That Aren’t Nearly As Chaotic As The State of World Right Now

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

New music might not save the world or even help to change the minds of the roughly 40% of Americans who still don’t believe climate change poses a threat to modern society. Alas, despite its limitations, new music continues to be made. Why not take a break from the horrors and escape into your headphones for a few seconds before you start compulsively scrolling through all the horrors again? Here are six new songs to help you forget before violently remembering again.

L.S. Dunes ‘Violet’

L.S. Dunes are releasing their long-awaited second album at the end of the month. After a slew of excellent singles, they’ve released the epic title track ‘Violet.’ Anthony Green’s vocals soar over a wash of Frank Iero-led guitar fuckery, resulting in a three-minute ride straight into the early aughts and back out through the future of the genre. You can tell this is an honest approximation of the song by how verbose and seriously it is written.

PUP ‘Paranoid’

Your roommate has recently been moshing throughout the apartment to the point that you’re worried about the security deposit. You’ll have to forgive them because PUP released their new single, ‘Paranoid,’ after a two year silence. 730 days is a long time to wait for something this heavy, and all that pent-up energy has built up like a powder keg. They’ll eventually get it out of their system, but you might consider taking them out for a long jog to speed up the process.

Great Grandpa ‘Junior’

It’s been over half a decade since beloved indie-rock outfit Great Grandpa released their widely revered album ‘Four of Arrows.’ Despite being set to explode, many feared the group had disbanded. That is until they released two incredible singles toward the end of last year. Now they have formally announced a new record, aptly titled ‘Patience, Moonbeam.’ Their latest single ‘Junior’ is infinitely more exciting than the reunion album your band has been talking about making for like, six years.

Bob Mould ‘Here We Go Crazy’

If anyone deserves to retire, it’s hardcore progenitor Bob Mould. Yet, miraculously, he is still fucking out here continuing to push the boundaries of a genre he more or less catapulted into the zeitgeist. ‘Here We Go Crazy’ is the title track of his freshly announced 15th solo album. It’s also his first new music in almost five years. The track finds him sounding fresh, layered, and intense as ever, and you’d have an easy time mistaking for some forgotten early gem from the artist.

Runnner ‘Coinstar’

After briefly detouring into heady ambient territory last year, Runnner – the largely DIY project of Noah Weinman – has tread back to familiar territory. While ‘Coinstar’ certainly borrows from the larger soundscapes Weinman previously explored, the track is largely a return to form. Wistful lyrics wash in and out massive steel guitar. Overall, the entire song proves the old adage: it is never too early or too late to quit making ambient music and go back to stuff people will willingly listen to.

Lambrini Girls ‘Cuntology 101’

Since their debut EP in 2022, UK punk duo Lambrini Girls have been turning heads with their frenetic and urgent politically charged style. Their debut album ‘Who Let The Dogs Out’ finds them poised to become one of the brightest and most powerful acts of the genre. Whereas the majority of the album delivers the breakneck punk the duo is known for, closer, ‘Cuntology 101,’ brings their myriad influences together in a disco-goes-to-hell style banger that will make you want to kick a hole through the floor.

Still looking to soundtrack your front row seat to the world’s demise? Check out our playlist. We’ll update it every week – or bi-weekly if we get too lazy – until it becomes so sprawling and disorienting it develops self-awareness and updates itself. Click here to listen and never run out of new music again.

Self-Described “Free Spirit” Gets Suspiciously Irritable When Asked How They Pay Rent

Posted on by Frederick O'Brien

BOISE, Idaho — Independent thinker and free spirit Bodun Haze became mysteriously defensive when conversation at a house party shifted away from his latest yoga retreat and towards how exactly he financed his lifestyle, sources confirmed.

“That’s exactly the kind of superficial question society has us asking each other. Capitalism has destroyed our ability to connect with each other,” Haze, 34, real name Theodore Smithfield, said after brusquely leaving a group of his peers. “Step back and look at the bigger picture. I’m a human being not an ATM. Life’s about inner change, not small change. All of this focus on monetary matters indicates a profound lack of wellness in the human spirit. For those that insist on asking how I live: I like to think I live for my art.”

A witness to the exchange said things got rather heated when attendees continued to press Haze on how, exactly, he paid the bills while still having the time and money to travel most of the year.

“The whole zen vibe really started to go downhill at that point,” said Jane Rowe, who works two jobs and lives paycheck to paycheck. “We didn’t mean any harm. He was just so adamant about how we were wasting our lives being part of the ‘rat race’ that we were curious how it was possible to have such a nice apartment and a vacation home in Utah. Eventually he just burst into tears, saying we sounded just like his parents, pushing and pushing him to make something of himself. He wound up locking himself in the bathroom to call his ‘guru.’ We still didn’t get an answer. Maybe he got hit by a city bus when he was a kid and he’s still getting paid out for that.”

The wellness guru in question, Cthulo Remar, said people ought to be more conscientious of people’s auras when discussing personal finances.

“It really messes with one’s energy when people fixate on trivial things like trust funds or allowances or stock portfolios. I like to believe that one’s true value lies within” said Remar. “These things don’t define my clien– I mean my brothers and sisters in love. There is so much more to them than their exorbitant wealth. It’s just a happy coincidence that the most beautiful souls I’ve met also have the biggest bank accounts.”

At press time, Haze’s state has mellowed after drinking some ayahuasca and booking a trip to Cambodia.

5 Keys to a Successful Marriage That Are All Just Eating Burger King in Your Car at 3 p.m. Because You Just Just Fucking Can’t Right Now

Posted on by James Knapp

As anyone who has been married for any span of time knows, there are some days when you just gotta get the fuck outta there. Call it self-care or relationship maintenance or just plain survival, whatever you want—it all just means that in order to continue being in love with your partner you need to be anywhere away from them for a couple of hours.

A great way to get some much-needed alone time and improve your overall physical and mental health is to go on a refreshing nature walk! But, since you’re not going to do that, here are our tips for cramming copious amounts of Burger King into your food hole.

5. Don’t Savour It. This Is Not Something That You Enjoy, It’s Just Something You Have To Do.
In many ways getting through a marriage-stress-related BK binge is a lot like getting through a marriage itself. Just keep your head down, don’t make eye contact with anyone, and barrel your way through that second Bacon King burger with zero emotion left behind your glazed-over, soulless eyes.

4. Always Get a Milkshake.
If you’re gonna go, go hard. There is no point in moderation right now. You don’t want to go back to deal with your soul-crushing sham of a marriage AND deal with the fact that you haven’t had a milkshake in like, forever. Get the damn milkshake.

3. Fuck Napkins! For the Next 20 Minutes, You’re a Goddamn Wild Animal.
That’s right! No gods, no masters! Just excessive amounts of honey mustard sauce coating every surface of your shitty Camry. If your spouse tries to call you out on the stains, just tell them it’s lipstick from a sex worker.

2. Eat Everything. Every Last Fry. Leave No Evidence That This Is How You Spent Your Afternoon.
At a certain point the inherent shame you feel from this activity will urge you to attempt to eradicate all signs that you’ve been inhaling chicken fries in broad daylight. Do not resist this urge, it is all a part of the process.

1. Never mind. Get an Extra Milkshake To Bring Home.
Much like the clarity that often follows a successful ejaculation, consuming enough calories to kill most equine species alone in a parking lot can help give you some perspective. Now that you’ve put in the work you need to do for yourself, go back for another milkshake to bring home to your partner. You’ll be amazed by their gratitude, lack of follow-up questions, and willingness to ignore your many, many flaws for the rest of the day.

Sadistic Dom Doesn’t Let Sub Finish Season Finale

Posted on by Tim Sheard

EUGENE, Ore. — Local dominant Lucille Bellweather didn’t allow her submissive Craig Walters to finish the season finale of the show he was watching, confirmed sources who were sexually aroused just thinking about that scenario.

“He said he liked things rough,” said Bellweather while stepping as hard as she could with her eight-inch black heels on the Roku remote. “The usual stuff, like whips and everyday bondage, wasn’t getting him horned up, so I had no choice but to step it up a notch. That’s why I forbade him from watching the season finale of his all-time favorite show ‘Ghosts.’ Sure, he was a little behind on the program, but that just made things all the more sexually pleasing for him. It’s like he was edging primetime CBS television, which is how it’s intended to be consumed.”

For what it’s worth, Walters was all about the erotic form of punishment.

“It was borderline inhumane and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy, but I had such a raging boner. In the end, that’s all that matters,” said Walters. “My former dom never got that creative. It was always ‘tie me up this’ and ‘strap me to a pole that.’ It’s like she was just going through the motions of being my sexual master. At some point, you have to bring me carnal pain or at least a little bit of humiliation. That’s why Lucille also forced me to confess to my friends that I regularly watched ‘Young Sheldon’ when it aired on Thursdays. It was embarrassing as hell, albeit hot.”

Experts have noted an increase in extremely particular sexual proclivities.

“Fetishes and kinks are getting rather specific as we evolve beyond the limitations of the missionary position and butt stuff,” said sex counselor Julianne Bowstar. “Some doms are not allowing their subs to watch television shows they love. Others are forcing them to watch TV they hate. For example, one dom recently forced their sub to watch 24 consecutive hours of ‘Ridiculousness.’ That’s why MTV plays it literally all the time. Their only viewership demographic is doms and subs nowadays.”

At press time, Bellweather finally allowed Walters to watch the season finale but only through a streaming app that had a subscription with commercials.

Opinion: The Next Champion of the Working Class Needs To Take Out Whoever or Whatever Is Keeping Jimmy Fallon on My TV

Posted on by Chris Bowen

Working people unite! Now is the time to seize the moment! Now is the time to stand up against the wealthy elites who have dictated our lives, dictated our endless struggles, and worst of all, have been enabling that asshole Jimmy Fallon to continue being on TV after all these years!

Talking over guests, breaking character during skits, that fucking fake laugh, etc. The working people of this country don’t deserve this, and we are fed up. NBC pays him $16 million annually to further tarnish the sanctity of the “Tonight Show” night after night, while a single mother of 3 in Detroit busts her ass on an assembly line just to barely afford a slice of whatever they consider to be “pizza” in Detroit on her lunch break. And that same woman should be able to enjoy the “Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade” with her children without being subjected to his phony ass lip-synching to Mariah Carey songs. Alas, she among millions of other hard-working Americans fell victim and continues to fall, victim, to his vile charade.

By all accounts, Fallon is a scourge on everyone around him. He’s abusive to his staff, a drunkard. Given the opportunity, I’m willing to wager he’d most certainly rely on child labor to hold his cue cards, and to write jokes just to have him butcher the delivery if he thought it would improve his “I’m just a cutesy giggly sensitive guy” image.

Sure, he “apologized” for creating a toxic work environment for several former staff members, but what he didn’t do was the right thing and step down from “The Tonight Show.” He didn’t because his bottom line is more important than your well-being. You’re just a number to Jimmy, don’t you forget it.

I’m not trying to say the over-saturation of a comedian I don’t like is on par with wage theft or election tampering. I’m saying it’s directly under those things in terms of importance. Besides, unlike those other two problems, all we need to do to fix it is get a TV show canceled, this is one we can win people!

Just imagine a world in which there were no more Sunday afternoon TV broadcasts of “Fever Pitch,” no more furiously bad celebrity impressions, or a world free of any more “oh my god, that’s sooooooo crazy!”s during interviews. Can you picture a world in which a place like, I’ll say, Peoria can be free of the shackles of wage slavery AND having to see that giddy class traitor trying desperately to play to them? This is the future we owe to ourselves, our children, and to Johnny Carson’s legacy. Move on over Jimmy, or we’ll move on over you.

Local Baker Watches in Horror as Steve Aoki Throws Cake They Worked on For Hours at Influencer

Posted on by Evan Vest

LAS VEGAS — Local baker Phillip Throgmorton watched in horror as a beautiful cake he had worked on for hours was carelessly thrown into the face of a popular influencer by renown DJ Steve Aoki, sources close to the incident report.

“I just can’t believe I worked three hours on that masterpiece,” said a devastated Throgmorton, who was standing outside of Omnia Nightclub in Caesars Palace. “When I received the order, I had figured it was the birthday of one of the nightclub employees or something. The manager included a free pass to get in tonight, and I was so excited to see my work lit up with candles and enjoyed by the staff. Instead, I see this doofus on stage pick up the damn thing and throw it like a football into the face of some poor girl who probably had her night ruined. His precision was highly impressive though.”

Social media influencer Savannah Desmond couldn’t be more excited to be covered in sugary ingredients.

“Best night of my life! Vegas, baby!” said Desmond, in between selfies and scooping cake out of her bikini top. “I spent hours making a sign asking Steve to throw a cake my way and I’m so stoked he saw it. The engagement on my post is at an all-time high and this is a huge moment for my personal brand! Steve even put my post in his Instagram story too. The only thing that could’ve made this night better is if this cake was less dry. It’s going to take weeks to get this fully out of my hair.”

Venue security appeared to side with Aoki.

“I’ve worked this show in the past, but tonight was definitely different,” explained Head of Omnia Security Kevin Stolz. “We knew it was about time for him to start throwing the desserts, which is when you really need all hands on deck. Everybody starts swarming to the front to hopefully get a piece of the action, no pun intended. But all of a sudden we saw this man in a baker’s apron hop the security rail, storming the stage and talking about his hard work going down the drain. We decided it was in the best interest if we removed him from the show and roughed him up a bit in the meantime. No one stops Steve from hurling delicious treats at the audience. No one.”

At press time, Throgmorton revealed that he was also a former watermelon farmer, who switched careers after watching a Gallagher special from the ‘80s.

Black Teenager Sentenced to Life Without Possibility of Parole After Making Hush Money Payments to Stormy Daniels

Posted on by Dan Rice

NEW YORK — Judge Juan Merchan made a second high-profile ruling earlier today when he gave 17-year-old Shawn Thomas, tried as an adult, life in prison without the possibility of parole after the teenager was found guilty of making hush money payments to adult film star Stormy Daniels.

“The nature of your crimes and abuse of power displayed in covering them up represents an unforgivable betrayal of the public trust and indicates a total impossibility of reform,” declared Merchan during the sentencing. “It has been proven beyond doubt that you offered Ms. Daniels $40 and some Burger King to keep your tryst ‘on the DL,’ so as not to jeopardize your chances of a shift supervisor promotion and $2 per hour raise at an Amazon warehouse. It is my hope that this sentencing will show the American people that such a lack of ethics will not be tolerated in the lower-mid echelons of our nation’s great privatized shipping and receiving companies, may God have mercy on your soul.”

Conservative media pundits were swift to praise the sentencing as a victory for the American Justice system.

“It’s good to know that a broken clock like Merchan can still be right once in a while,” said Tucker Carlson on social media moments after the sentencing. “The fact that Trump is entering his second Presidency with the stigma of a hollow conviction is one of the greatest miscarriages of justice in this or perhaps any century. We all know Trump should have been sentenced to receiving a medal with a bird on it representing freedom. I will, however, rest a little easier at night knowing that this 17-year-old thug is behind bars where he belongs.”

Despite being convicted of the exact same crime to a much lower degree and without any of the political implications that make the payment an actual crime in the first place, President-elect Trump was extremely short of sympathy for Thomas.

“This is why we need the death penalty,” said Trump during a rambling press conference. “Let this be a lesson to anyone out there even considering such a heinous trespass against our great nation without the Supreme Court in their back pocket. Especially if they wear hooded sweatshirts. ”

Thomas tried desperately to communicate with reporters as the gurney he was strapped to was wheeled from the courthouse to a prisoner transport vehicle, but the Hanibal Lecter-style face mask, unfortunately, muffled his words.