“What Does Billy Corgan Think About All This?” Wonders Billy Corgan

Posted on by Ryan Werner

CHICAGO — Smashing Pumpkins singer and National Wrestling Alliance owner Billy Corgan suddenly wondered what Billy Corgan thought about all that was going on in the world, confirmed the man himself.

“Politics, for example. What would the man who famously wrote the line ‘the world is a vampire’ have to say about that?” said Corgan in the mirror. “I’m sure William Patrick Corgan, Jr. has a lot on his mind regarding Trump’s presidency, foreign wars, and the TikTok ban. It’s not unlike band politics, which I know all about. But do people ask me about it? No, which is messed up because I’m sure they’d want to hear from the guy who once released a double album called ‘Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness.’ And don’t even get me started on religion. I lived through Nirvana once already.”

Those close to Corgan were not really wondering what he, in fact, thought about all this.

“I’d be trying to get through soundcheck so I could do almost anything else, and he just wouldn’t stop talking,” said former guitar tech for Smashing Pumpkins Craig Drake. “They’d play a song and Billy would want to try a different guitar, which is no problem. What is a problem, though, is having to hear him talk about some sort of current event that always ended on some sort of tangent about him not wanting to include any hits in the band’s setlists. I think one time he compared Zwan to the United Nations.”

Rock historian Marty Merfeld revealed that this isn’t something specific to Corgan.

“So many rockstars have this sort of center-of-the-universe way of thinking. They get caught up in the everything of it all, in a way,” Merfeld said. “The stories I’ve heard about Paul Simon talking about Iran-Contra. Sting and the collapse of the USSR. Gene Simmons and the late-aughts recession, obviously. They think people want to hear what they think because their music is popular. What they’re forgetting is that news and reporters exist already. Walter Cronkite never made an album, and Billy Corgan should maybe consider that when he starts telling a barista about the US transportation budget.”

At press time, Corgan was reportedly telling an uninterested gas station clerk his opinions on the previous week’s WWE Monday Night Raw.

Harvard Lab Makes Breakthrough Discovery of First Attractive Polyamorous Couple

Posted on by Tim Sheard

BOSTON, Mass. — Harvard scientists studying modern American relationship dynamics made a breakthrough discovery by identifying the first conventionally attractive polyamorous couple.

“The lack of hair grease was the first indicator,” opined anthropologist Dr. Heather Tingle, who led the highly secretive study from a concrete lab basement. “We’re overwhelmingly delighted with this breakthrough. A healthy couple, with a sense of style and facial symmetry, is such a rarity in the polyamorous space. This couple’s exposure to sunlight is off the charts, not to mention their robust social circles. What is remarkable is that neither member of the couple lives in a co-op. This sample was found outside our normal coastal urban polyamorous hubs. For example, we’ve completely stopped looking at sample couples from the Portland, Oregon metro area.”

Oklahoma models Tess Markham and Tanner Figlio celebrated being singled out by the study.

“We’re just happy to be recognized,” said Figlio sitting on his fitness bench while Markham swiped through Raya. “Tess brought this idea up in the first place, and I’ve slowly learned the joy of opening up our relationship. But it has been difficult to meet other attractive couples out there in the poly sea. We’ve made exceptions for less ‘conventionally attractive’ people, sure. Tess draws the line at stretched earlobes from ear gauges. I tend to prefer full teeth intact. Still, we’ve found success cruising Ren Faires, neighborhood art markets, and mall cell phone kiosks.”

Longtime popular sex columnist Stan Devage weighed in from his Seattle office.

“This is a case of vanilla normies stepping out for extra tail, nothing special,” decried Devage while scanning emails. “The poly ‘community’ has been crusty and scrappy for some time, but that’s any urban performance art cabaret scene. The artistic DIY world is so incestuous. It has to be polyamorous, like a forgotten tuna sandwich 69ing its own mold. Hotties joining the fray is appropriation. Got a model to suddenly ball? Old hat. There are many attractive poly people. Sure, couples are rarer, but I don’t think the study looked far enough. What about suburban samples? Plenty of emotionally devastating affairs every day, without the obnoxious lifestyle-signaling.”

At press time, the study also identified the first ever couple that opted to avoid unprompted mentions of their polyamory in casual conversations.

Damn It! I Watched Your Instagram Story So Now I Have To Respond to Your Texts

Posted on by Alex Vlahov

I keep getting your texts, but listen: you have no idea how busy I am online. There are so many podcasts to catch up on. New memes and TikToks every day. My hands are pretty full, ok? You understand.

Shit. I just saw your Instagram story. Looks like I gotta finally respond to your texts. Might as well, it has been a few months.

I tried to undo the view cuz it’s easier overall, but Instagram gives you away on the story view – thanks, Zuck! I considered blocking but that just makes everything weird. Maybe if I throw my phone in the ocean, I won’t have to respond to your texts? Ah, but then I’d lose those daily McDonald’s app deals. Wow, this social pressure is overwhelming.

I had been meaning to text you back, my dude, but social media has just been so nourishing lately. Why do my friends bother me IRL? It’s like they want my continued meaningful companionship or some shit. Lame! I’m busy, ok?

it actually might be easier if I just finally text you back. Address the awkwardness head-on. One word responses, that’s all you get.

Aaand, fucking great. Just as I text back, your over-eager ass responds and now I got these consecutive haptic ‘dings’ on my phone as you flood our chat. Don’t you know this is bad for my anxiety? These attempts at emotional bonding and connection are eating into my Snapchat time, my dude.

OK, I responded to your joke with a Shaq gif. I reacted to the link you shared with an upside-down smiley face. Also I gave a non-committal answer (“would love to!”) as to when we can hang next. Boom, I’m done here.

Ugh, you’re calling me now? When did you become a “phone call” person? I’ll ignore it and instead fire up Instagram. Looks like you shared a funny meme, I’ll just give it a Like and—fuck! Ah, fuck, well.. Fine, I’ll answer your call, but only for thirty seconds, I’m too busy generating my own AI porn. This is the future, my dude. The world needs to see my “Monica Belluci as an old sea captain but hot” artwork. Leave me alone with your sad human friendship!

Punk Comes to Sudden Realization That Moshing Pretty Stupid

Posted on by John Danek

CHARLEROI, Pa. — Lifelong punk Hunter Burchuk experienced the startling epiphany that moshing is “dumb as hell” during a recent local hardcore show, concerned friends reported.

“I was two-stepping during a breakdown when a rogue foot smashed into my face. Time stopped, and for the first time I could see exactly how fucking stupid I looked,” recounted a bruised Burchuk, who has since enrolled in philosophy courses at Westmoreland County Community College. “Moshing is completely unrelated to the enjoyment of a musical performance. It’s like ‘Fight Club’ without the anti-capitalist messaging. In fact, it’s pretty pro-capitalist once you factor in merch prices these days. Moshing is exclusionary to many sects of people, most of all those intelligent enough to not want a fist to the face.”

Burchuk’s peers in the Southwestern PA scene are experiencing difficulty in relating to his newfound sense of enlightenment.

“I am going to kick Hunter’s ass for talking like such a dweeb as of late,” expressed Scott “Scotch” Donarelli, who is entering his 19th consecutive year of claiming to be starting a new band. “Moshing is essential to punk because, like… I don’t know, it just is. It’s like fighting in hockey. No one can explain why it happens, but we all just like it. It means you’re not a wimp. And it’s important to prove your lack of wimp-ness to strangers you’ll never exchange names with or ever see again.”

Anthropologists struggle to find evolutionary meaning in the punk subculture’s violent tradition of slam dancing.

“I have embedded myself in the greater Pittsburgh punk scene for 6 years now to better understand these customs and traditions, but all I have gained is a worsening case of CTE,” stated Dr. Leslie Tucker, dean of anthropology at Duquesne University. “Although punks are ostensibly homo sapiens, their customs more closely resemble the primitiveness of homo heidelbergensis. These violent dances often stand in opposition to their stated values. So far the only consistent principle I’ve observed is that it’s unanimously agreed upon that farting in the pit is a ‘dick move.’”

Burchuk is reportedly considering quitting skateboarding, as he recently realized that falling on concrete and metal hurts a lot and that skateboarding is a far less efficient mode of transportation than walking.

Judge at Custody Hearing Deeply Moved by Dad’s Acoustic Bass Solo in Closing Arguments

Posted on by Courtney Hill

KEENE, N.H. — Family court judge Deanna Westcock was unexpectedly persuaded to reconsider a tense custody battle following a stirring acoustic bass solo by the defendant in closing arguments, sources close to the case reported.

“In 30 years on the bench I’ve seen grown men beg, grovel and weep for my mercy, and none of it has had a fraction of the impact that that acoustic bass solo had on me,” Judge Westcock remarked while removing her robe to reveal a Jill Sobule shirt. “It started like any other acoustic bass solo; a random sequence of Dorian arpeggios drowned out by string noise and fret buzz. But gradually it bloomed into this moody meditation on personal flaw, the weight of shame, and the grace of redemption. The sheer humility of it all was undeniable. Clearly this man had already begun the transformation into the father and husband he was always meant to be.”

Defendant Aaron “Stash” Gavin, who acted as his own attorney, shared what inspired him to choose such an unconventional closing argument.

“Acoustic bass is what got me into this mess, so I knew it was the only way out,” Gavin explained while using flashcards to relearn his kids’ names. “The judge was just staring at me so I played what I felt, and what I felt was the sense that my family is more important than playing in three Dispatch cover bands. The deeper I went into the solo the more it dawned on me that jamming along to ‘Days of the New’ is no replacement for going to my kids’ baseball games and dance recitals. At one point I went completely out of body into arpeggio oblivion, but when I came back it was clear to me and everyone else in the room that I would never let acoustic bass come between me and my family again.”

Law professor Vernon Twack illustrated just how make-or-break a courtroom musical performance can be.

“An intimate rendition of ‘Justifiable Homicide’ by Dying Fetus is a classic tactic in capital cases to sway a jury heading into deliberation,” Twack explained while letting AI grade term papers. “But it can easily backfire. In one high-profile jaywalking case a defendant played ‘Stairway to Heaven’ not realizing the judge paid for law school working at Guitar Center. He overruled the jury’s not guilty verdict and gave the guy a life sentence. As for Judge Westcock’s change of heart, it turns out acoustic bass can do more than make a campfire jam even lamer.”

At press time, Gavin and his two kids were spotted outside Trader Joe’s performing as a Rusted Root cover trio.

Oh, You’re Into Rockabilly? Name Three People Who Might be Interested in This ’32 Roadster I Need to Sell Before the End of the Month

Posted on by Mac McCarthy

Yo there, Daddy-O, you seem like a mighty hep cat! I dig your pompadour and that vintage leather jacket. And are those 501s rolled up to show off your creepers? I’ll bet you’re pretty keen on Rockabilly music, aren’t you? Well If you’re so into Rockabilly, you can probably get three people on the horn who would all love to cruise home from this bash in a cherry ‘32 Ford Roadster. Seriously though, you must know somebody who wants to buy this car, right? I need to get rid of it like yesterday or my wife is taking the kids and scadaddling.

I thought I’d spend every night leaning against my souped-up high body outside the diner like James Dean. I’d run a comb through my hair while I decided whether to take this ragtop out for a drag, or to take my sweet Betty to the drive-in for a little backseat bingo.

Instead, my wife told me to stop calling her “Betty,” and the night manager at Denny’s demanded I buy something if I was going to loiter in their parking lot all night trying to race the customers. And it turns out the 1932 Ford Roadster doesn’t even have a back seat for me to “bingo” anyone in!

I was only able to get the Roadster to run a few times before it died and I had to have it towed home from Denny’s, and I honestly don’t know shit about fixing cars. But even if I did, have you seen how expensive it is to maintain a 90-year-old hot rod? I can’t afford to own this thing anymore! It’s been in my garage gathering dust for months. Surely one of your cool greaser friends could get it running again?

I thought maybe I could turn my garage into a ‘50s-themed hangout space around this old car, but none of my friends wanted to listen to the Stray Cats in a room covered with pinup posters and watch me smoke unfiltered cigarettes and use outdated slang. So I tried reaching out to the company that makes the pinups to see if any of the models in them wanted to come check out my Roadster, but they threatened to call the cops if I contacted them again.

It’s time to move on from this phase before the missus makes me move out of our house. I wore out her patience when I quit my job to focus on my music. She’s given me the rest of this month to get rid of the Roadster and get a job or we’re through. You can take the damn thing for free as long as it’s gone by the 1st.

Explosions in the Sky Derides Nation’s Recent Drop in Stirring Sports Movie Output

Posted on by Jason Clemence

AUSTIN, Texas — Members of the instrumental post-rock band Explosions in the Sky condemned Hollywood’s current lack of emotionally resonant sports movies that would be enhanced by a score consisting of the group’s signature musical aesthetic, confirmed sources.

“Most of our album and ticket sales come from people who wept like a baby at the end of the OG ‘Friday Night Lights’ film,” said guitarist Mark Smith. “Sure, the movie can’t seem to decide whether it’s about the glory or dangers of high school football, but the vast majority of our fans are happy to give us money while they gush about how that ending scene actually made them feel something for the first time since their grandmother’s funeral. But anyway, how are we supposed to move albums if people aren’t going to associate our big emotional crescendos with underdogs persevering on an athletic field? It seems like everything that comes out now is some sort of sad indie flick or a slasher film. The crushing elegance of a song like ‘Six Days at the Bottom of the Ocean’ just isn’t going to work with a ‘Terrifier’ movie.”

Explosions in the Sky fan Dwayne Marsh sympathized with Smith’s perspective.

“I love this band, but let’s face it: all their albums have the same loud-quiet-loud dynamic, and then finish up with a wall of distorted power chords,” said Marsh. “If I’m going to buy a new album, I’ve got to at least associate it with a moving depiction of hardworking and selfless athletes defying the odds. Otherwise, it’s just gonna sound like the last album and every other one in their discography. Hell, I’d even take a soundtrack from a baseball movie at this point.”

Music critic Dave Goldman believed the band needed these types of sports movies to succeed.

“Many people say they’re an Explosions in the Sky superfan, but they barely seem to listen to them outside of what they hear on film,” Goldman explained. “But when anyone puts on ‘Friday Night Lights’ or ‘Blue Mountain State’ or even the teaser for ‘Street Fighter V’ suddenly they start staring into the distance with a tear rolling down their cheek, quietly whispering about how they haven’t called their dad recently. I mean, yeah, it’s easy to get sucked into all the pathos. Unfortunately, bands without singers require a sports movie to be played over it to fully enjoy.”

At press time, Explosions in the Sky announced their own newly founded movie studio, the debut release of which will be about a one-legged runner who wins the Boston Marathon.

United Airlines Rolls Out New “24 Years Without a 9/11” Ad Campaign

Posted on by Tim Sheard

CHICAGO — United Airlines unveiled a new ad campaign that will emphasize the length of time that’s passed since the coordinated attacks on the United States by members of al-Qaeda on September 11, 2001, sources report.

“United Airlines is aware that its reputation has suffered over the years, and this new campaign will attempt to remedy that,” representative Shirley Reddle said. “What better way to do this than by highlighting the fact that it’s been well over two decades since one of our flights was hijacked by terrorists and flown into a New York City skyscraper? We here at United Airlines like to focus on the positives in every situation, and this series of advertisements will remind our customers that whatever complaints they may have with our services are inconsequential in comparison to what transpired on the darkest day in our country’s history.”

Passenger Jake Rothski was uneasy about the new campaign.

“I mean, it’s obviously a good thing that we haven’t had a 9/11 in two and a half decades,” Rothski offered. “I just don’t know if that’s the best message for a company to put forth in its advertising. Isn’t keeping your customers safe from radical militants kind of the bare minimum for an airline? If that’s the best they can offer, I’ll just have to take my business elsewhere. After all, there are plenty of other airlines that can make the same claim while also offering much better customer service and more legroom. As far as I can tell, Delta wasn’t involved in 9/11 at all, and they’ve never lost my luggage like United has.”

Advertising expert Raul Huppman weighed in on the situation.

“Companies will often bring up tragedies in their commercials in lieu of actually taking measures to improve their performances and reputations among their customers,” Huppman provided. “Jack in the Box recently released an ad bragging that their food has not caused any deaths from E. coli outbreaks since the early nineties, and we can totally anticipate Boeing mentioning that no holes have recently formed in the sides of their planes within the next few years. Unfortunately, this is as close as companies get to accountability in late-stage capitalism, so consumers will just have to live with it.”

At press time, Ford had also released an ad campaign celebrating 31 years without one of their trucks being used to bomb a federal building.

False Advertising? I Ate All My Dog’s Joint Supplements and if Anything I’m in Even More Pain

Posted on by Ben Friedman

I won’t lie, I definitely take better care of my dog’s health than I do my own. I want to ensure that he lives as long and as comfortably as possible so I don’t mind spending a little more money on his vitamins and minerals. However, I’ve neglected my aging body for so long that my knees sound like rusty hinges every time I bend down to pet him. I figured fuck it, I already dropped $90 for his fancy joint supplements so I might as well partake and save myself a trip to Walgreens.

I believe I need to have a word with the manufacturer because overall I’m in ten times more pain than I was before I ate this entire bag of doggie joint meds.

With all these vitamins and miracle cures on the market, you’d think at least one or two of them would be safe for dog and human use. I assumed all bones and joints are pretty much the same across the animal kingdom, at least according to the two medical sites I found on page 12 of my Google search.

Taking animal meds like ivermectin is dumb and dangerous, I get that. But this is different because I’m bigger than a dog but smaller than a horse, so I figured there’s no way eating this whole bag would have me writhing on the floor. They’re practically advertised as cookies! As soon as I regain my strength I’m going to send them a strongly worded comment on their Instagram page. Anyone want to go halfsies on a class action lawsuit?

I cannot be the only one who has fallen for this. The ingredients kinda looking like normal supplements in that they’re all big words, but I couldn’t be fucked to look up them because science is for dorks. They should’ve specified somewhere on the packaging that non-canine consumption would lead to internal bleeding.

All this because I didn’t want to pay more money for some bullshit like fish oil and have non stop diarrhea, which ironically is great for giving dogs a healthy coat. Well the joke is clearly on me because I have been shitting my brains out for two days straight and I’m blind in one eye.

On the upside, the intestinal trauma is a nice distraction from my aching joints. You win this round, PetSmart.

Shoegaze Guitarist Plans to Learn to Play Once Pedalboard is Perfect

Posted on by Tim Graham

GREAT BEND, Kan. — Neil Stamp, guitarist for local shoegaze band Quavver, intends to work on playing the guitar as soon as he settles on the ideal configuration of pedals, according to clerks at his local music shop.

“I think my pedalboard setup is almost ready,” said Stamp while putting velcro on the bottom of a newly purchased $300 delay pedal. “If Quavver wants to be taken seriously alongside all the nu-gaze bands that are blowing up, we’ve got to have the perfect sound. Once I’ve got the guitar tone dialed in, I’ll sit down and really figure out how to play chords and what the lines and dots on the neck-thingy mean. I don’t actually have a lot of time to think about guitar anyway because of the night job I got to help with my pedal bills.”

Drummer Craig Cartwright says Stamp asked him years ago to join the nascent band but they have yet to get together to practice.

“We’ve made plans to meet up, but Neil always cancels at the last minute,” said Cartwright. “The issue is usually that he just got some fancy new pedal and needs to figure out how to incorporate it in the signal chain. One time I was hanging out over at his place and he was showing off his pedalboard, but never played a single note. I’ve never actually heard him play, come to think of it. That giant board is crowded with expensive pedals from all these little boutique makers. I swear the board is worth more than his car.”

Guitar pedal manufacturers exploit the fact that their customers have an almost addictive compulsion to buy new gear, according to whistleblowers.

“Companies are very aware that guitar pedals destroy lives,” said an industry insider who wished to remain anonymous. “Pedal addiction can end marriages. Some companies actually hire tobacco and gambling industry consultants to maximize the addictive nature of pedals and sell more units. They really bleed their customers dry, pumping out pedal after pedal with minor updates that do the exact same thing as 100 others already on the market, knowing full well most of them will be played through once, if that.”

At press time, Stamp had cashed out his 401k in order to purchase a vintage Klon Centaur overdrive at what he described as “a really great price.”