Escape Room Success Rate Jumps to 100% After Aerosmith Added to Background Music

Posted on by Steve Packosky

MORGANTOWN, W.Va. — The success rate at escape room 7th Avenue Escapes increased to 100% after an Aerosmith playlist was added to its background music, distressed sources report.

“We made a new ‘Escape the 90s’ themed room because that type of nostalgia is all the rage now,” said owner Fernando Cruz. “We adorned the walls with ‘Home Alone’ and ‘Jurassic Park’ posters and incorporated Game Boys and Gak into the clues. It was pretty neat, but I think we missed the mark with the custom Aerosmith playlist, with songs like ‘Crazy’ and that one from ‘Armageddon.’ I should have known something was awry when the players started frantically escaping in a fraction of a time than they previously had, and they had the most sickened and horrified looks on their faces.”

Player Dawn Irvin gave her feedback on the experience shortly after shattering the previously held record.

“What sick fuck put that thing together?” Irvin gasped as she caught her breath. “At first I thought the room was kind of clever. We had to decipher clues to find the correct game cartridge, which then gave us riddles we had to solve after we put it in the Super Nintendo. However, it became evident that the themed music playing the entire time was only going to be Aerosmith. As soon as I figured that out, I had to get out of there as quickly as possible. I’m so happy to have escaped that hell. Had I been in there for another minute, I probably would have vomited all over the place and gotten hit with the cleanup cost.”

Aerosmith singer Steven Tyler didn’t seem to understand the issue with his music’s inclusion in the escape room.

“There’s nothing wrong with adding a little rock ‘n roll to an escape room,” Tyler noted. “The world always needs more Aerosmith in its amusement offerings, especially since our Rock ‘n’ Roller Coaster at Disney’s Hollywood Studios will be revamped to be Muppets themed next year. I always felt like people don’t hear our songs nearly enough on the radio or in movie soundtracks, so the larger presence we have in things like this, the better. I’m hoping to see our music included in more escape rooms going forward.”

At press time, Cruz was forced to remove the music after a safety regulator threatened to shutter 7th Avenue Escapes for placing a hazardous and unnecessary strain on customers.

Venue Marquee Guy Praying King Gizzard and the Lizard Wizard Never Tours With …And You Will Know Us by the Trail of Dead

Posted on by Joe Rumrill

TEMPE, Ariz. — Local concert venue marquee-setter Kenan Vollick was overheard fretting about the possibility of the bands King Gizzard and the Lizard Wizard and …And You Will Know Us by the Trail of Dead ever doing a show together, sources confirmed, while counting the amount of letters that would be.

“Dude, I thought I had it bad when freaking They Might Be Giants burst on the scene. I didn’t know how breezy I had it back then! The thought of Gizzard and Trail of Dead ever joining forces literally keeps me up at night,” said Vollick, the man responsible for signage at Darkstar Tempe. “This venue isn’t prepared for the amount of letters that would take up. I’d have to start fashioning some out of old furniture and papier mache. I don’t have that kind of time and dedication, I just don’t! Doesn’t anyone appreciate brevity anymore? I’d kill for OK Go to tour with Yes. I’d be home in time for lunch that day.”

Vollick’s anxiety over the possibility has led him to pre-emptively seek out the aid of local construction professionals.

“Mr. Vollick brought us in to essentially triple the current size of the outdoor signage, should those two bands ever tour with each other. By the looks of these blueprints, she should be 93% marquee within the week. Basically a big sign with a bouncer in front of it is what we’re looking at,” said local contractor Hesseman Crest, as he dollied over one of the many giant letter Z’s purchased. “Hell, if I owned this heap, I’d probably just go ahead and make the font size smaller, but they’re the ones cutting me the fat check, so I’ll keep my yap shut.”

Unfortunately for the marquee-setters around the world, the nation’s linguists are hard at work in ways that may complicate matters further.

“Well, to make a long story short, we’ve got lots of new letters of the alphabet on the way. If projections are correct, we could be looking at a 76-77 letter English alphabet by the end of the year,” said Kramer. “This could allow indie bands to use all sorts of bloated, self-indulgently drawn-out band names. Names that could be entire passages and paragraphs the likes of which Coachella has never seen.”

At press time, Vollick entered a state of comatose shock after learning of the existence of the band The World Is A Beautiful Place And I Am No Longer Afraid To Die.

So Much for the Tolerant Left: This Liberal Got Mad After I Slept With His Wife and Shit on His Lawn

Posted on by Bobby Korec

It’s a well-known fact that liberals refer to themselves as the “tolerant left” as evidenced by a meme I saw on Facebook. But if that was the case, how come my neighbor Kevin was not very understanding after I slept with his wife and took a dump on his lawn? Every single time that happens, their tolerance is nowhere to be found. If anything, he seems pretty livid right now.

Sure, by “slept with his wife” I mean begged her several times to sleep with me. Unfortunately, she rejected all of my advances to bone, so I did what any upstanding alpha male would do and snuck into their bedroom while they were having sex and sat in a chair in the corner to watch. I think they call that cucking someone. I cucked them real good.

After they caught me, they rudely kicked me out and threatened to call the cops, so I had no choice but to pinch a loaf on his lawn, but that was only because I was eight beers deep and Michelob Ultras always make me have to go potty. He should know that by now. And yet he still avoids eye contact when he sees me. It’s like the entire Democratic party has so little patience for their neighbors’ drunken shit locations.

And hey, If I’m going to crash my car into my “tolerant” neighbor’s begonia garden at two in the morning, he should at least have the decency to understand where I’m coming from. I’m pretty sure empathy is all liberals care about. As a registered Republican, I wouldn’t be caught dead empathizing.

Finally, I’m not going to reimburse Kevin for that time I cut down that tree in my yard, and it just so happened to fall on a portion of his house, either. And now he’s suing me. That’s pretty much the least tolerant thing a person can do. It’s like liberals have no self-awareness.

Mental Health Walk Turns to Mental Health Sprint Thanks to Pack of Rabid Dogs

Posted on by Joe Rumrill

SPOKANE, Wash. — Local anxiety-sufferer Eno Patrice upped his attempt at his daily mental health walk to a mental health sprint after being chased by nine rabies-infected dogs, sources confirmed while running for their dear lives as well.

“Damn that therapist telling me that calming strolls would clear my head and lead to a more enriching life. You call this enriched? It makes me so mad I could rip everything to shreds with my own teeth! In fact, I’m gonna get started on that right now! Grrrrrr!” rasped Patrice, from within his quarantined space. “Once all my wounds heal, I stop my irrational fear of water, and I can start in-person sessions again, I just may bite that guy myself.”

The owner of the dangerous canines, local insane person Harley Toth, didn’t seem to grasp the gravity of the situation.

“Oh, that’s alright, they were just playing. The rabies just give them a little extra ‘oomph’ in the zoomies department, isn’t that right my sweet boys? Isn’t that right? Who’s got a sloppy foamy mouth and vicious glint in their eyes? You do! See? Such sweethearts,” said Toth, while making an infuriating hand flourish as if to say “you’re overreacting.” “At the end of the day, there’s really no harm done. My doggos got their exercise for the day, and he got the privilege of interacting with them. It’s win-win. If anything, I should be billing him for all the fun he got to have.”

Rabies specialists urged Patrice to focus on the upsides of infection.

“Not many people realize this, but the odd rabies infection here or there is actually a highly effective temporary cure for anxiety. One immediately stops caring about such trivial matters as their outward appearance, basic hygiene and legibility of their speech patterns, right off the bat,” offered Dr. Lamitow, while referring to her recently published book “Rabie Steps.” “Take this as a vacation from reality’s harsh plane of existence. As I say in my book, embrace rabid habits, and finally live life to the fullest. Just don’t get near me, please.”

At press time, trouble kept brewing when Patrice’s doctor’s office was revealed to be right next door to the veterinarian treating the rabid dogs.

CNN Premium Subscribers Given News Stories a Week Early

Posted on by Rob Steinberg

ATLANTA — Major media outlet CNN began offering news stories a week early for subscribers to their premium service, confirmed sources who still weren’t interested.

“We feel it’s important for our paid subscribers to get something extra for their patronage,” CNN CEO Mark Thompson explained. “We have our best psychics and precogs working around the clock for the best premium content that our patrons can talk about in our discord. And if that doesn’t cut it, we just kind of guess what’s going to happen based on a hunch. Not to mention we also have subscription tiers! Each month our exclusive members will get personalized articles such as who at their job hates them or how they are going to die. You can also see our anchors try funny foreign snacks!”

CNN’s staff is not exactly excited for the bonus content.

“Oh boy, more work for us to do. Can’t wait!” reported journalist Craig Lowe. “You know how hard it is to get your news reports when your sources are from people who prophesize the future? Sometimes it’s ‘The man in purple will light three fires of metal and blood’ and then my boss just turns to me and goes ‘translate that.’ Next thing I know I’m up all night reading about symbol interpretations. Most of the time though I’m thumbing through old episodes of ‘The Simpsons’ for potential prediction ideas. It almost sometimes works.”

Numbers in subscribers have already gone up by as many as six people since the option was announced.

“I wasn’t interested at first paying yet another company five dollars a month, but then I started feeling left out when I’d hear everyone discussing which country the US is for some reason bombing or who is getting assassinated next week,” new subscriber Susan Friedman said. “And the future sections about business news have been even better for my stock than tracking Nancy Pelosi’s husband. Still trying to figure out the one article that just says ‘THE GREAT HAPPENING IS SOON.’”

In related news, Fox News subscribers will be getting to know a week early which minorities are currently spreading the woke mind virus in advance, and new members will also have their name sharpied on Sean Hannity’s forehead.

My Top Five Favorite Techno Songs and Why They’re All the Mortal Kombat Theme Song

Posted on by Zack Zagranis

Most techno music to me sounds like someone force-feeding a crushed-up mixture of crystal meth and ecstasy to an NES, a cacophony of bleeps and bloops hammering your ears at 150 beats per minute. It’s not my favorite genre, in case you couldn’t guess. There are, however, a few techno songs I not only tolerate but actually go out of my way to listen to. Here are my five favorite techno songs, and by five I mean one, and by one I mean “Techno Syndrome” by the Immortals, aka the Mortal Kombat Theme Song.

5. The Mortal Kombat Theme Song

The Mortal Kombat Theme Song goes hard. If you need to be pumped the fuck up, nothing does the job better than hearing a grown man shouting the name of a 1992 Sega Genesis game at the top of his lungs. While the beginning synth notes get my blood pumping, it’s not until someone screams, “MORTAL KOMBAT!” that the song reaches into my chest and rips my still bleeding heart out of my chest. Fatality, indeed.

4. The Mortal Kombat Theme Song

The Mortal Kombat Theme slaps. Almost all of the lyrics are just the names of the characters repeated over and over. Look, I’m in my mid-40s and only getting older. My memory isn’t what it used to be, and now and then I need to be reminded, “Hey, whose that blue ninja with the ice powers? Freezy McCold or whatever? Oh yeah, Sub-Zero, duh!”

3. The Mortal Kombat Theme Song

This is my favorite techno song because it implores me to test my might. You’re favorite techno song wants you to check out the “funk soul brother.” We are not the same. Violence is cool. I don’t give a shit about dropping the bass, I’m all about dropping motherfuckers, preferably with a fireball or well-timed spear throw. I’ve tried listening to other EDM like Moby and Fatboy Slim, and while I admit the beats are catchy, the lyrics feature a distinct lack of ninjas capable of ripping one’s spine out of their body, skull still attached.

2. The Mortal Kombat Theme Song

Nostalgia is a hell of a drug. I’m a ‘90s kid, and the Mortal Kombat Theme reminds me of a simpler time. A time when men were men and women blew kisses made of napalm that melted the flesh off the bones of those men.

1. The Mortal Kombat Theme Song

The Mortal Kombat Theme Song is the perfect techno song — scratch that, perfect song — for any occasion. Funeral? Who doesn’t want their casket lowered into the ground while someone shouts “Finish him!” over a hard-driving beat? Wedding? You owe it to your spouse to walk down the aisle while someone chants, “uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh, uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh,” in the background. Personally, I like to put it on in the background while I’m having sex and time my climax so that I finish when the announcer says “Scorpion.” No particular reason, it’s just a vibes thing.

There you have it. Proof that the techno genre peaked with 1994’s “Techno Syndrome” by the Immortals, better known as the Mortal Kombat Theme Song. Before I go, I’d like to leave you with a few inspirational lyrics: “Kano, Liu Kang, Raiden, Johnny Cage.”

John Mellencamp Autobiography Contains Four Chapters About Other Things He Likes to Do With Chili Dogs

Posted on by Chris Bowen

BLOOMINGTON, Ind. — Legendary blue-collar rocker John Mellencamp released his autobiography entitled “Hurt So Good: The John Mellencamp Story” in which he dedicated four whole chapters to chili dogs, denim-clad sources report.

“People don’t realize, but ‘Jack’ in ‘Jack and Diane’ is about me, and so is the part about suckin’ on chili dogs. Suckin’ on ‘em is just one of the things I love to do with ‘em,’” Mellencamp explained. “In the past, I’ve been known to huff chili dogs, snort chili dogs, and even boof the bad boys. That part is in chapter 5, the same chapter where I talk about leaving my first true love Lucy on account of her not wanting to incorporate chili dogs in the bedroom. There ain’t nothin’ anyone with a chili dog can’t do, and that includes writing a line in a timeless hit song about ‘em.”

Mellencamp’s editor Eliza Donald had some apprehension about the book containing several chapters on chili con carne-based hot dogs.

“John’s story is an all-American, working class-underdog journey that could inspire so many struggling people these days, but I’m afraid four chapters on chili dogs will most definitely overshadow all of that,” Donald said while visibly frustrated. “I begged him to just put a paragraph or even one chapter, but he insisted on how pivotal they are to his story. I had to draw the line at including an entire epilogue about his highly specific food proclivities. I’ve been an editor for a long time, and this could be the most embarrassing chili dog-related content I’ve ever seen.”

According to some historians, several musicians throughout American popular culture have had suggestive lines in their music that reflect their real lives.

“A lot of popular artists such as Bruce Springsteen and Bob Dylan pen lines in their songs that highlight some sort of bizarre aspect of their lives,” music historian Richard Stapp explained. “‘A Hard Rain’s A-Gonna Fall’ by Bob Dylan is famously known for being about Dylan’s struggle with urinating with kidney stones. Springsteen’s ‘I’m On Fire’? Everyone knows that’s about the time he set his kitchen ablaze by putting a Ramen Noodle cup in the microwave with no water in it. However, Mellencamp’s ‘chili dog’ obsession is a mystery to me, and I can’t wait to read the book and find out!”

At press time, Ocar Meyer and Mellencamp signed a $2 million dollar deal in order to help with his book publicity.

Taylor Swift Announces 151 Date, 5 Continent Wedding

Posted on by Matt Husser

NASHVILLE — Pop megastar Taylor Swift announced her upcoming wedding tour will be a sprawling 151-date, 5-continent celebration and will prominently feature her fiancé Travis Kelce as an opening act, sources confirmed.

“Swifties get ready to cancel your plans for the next year, bank those PTO days, and take out a payday loan because you’re cordially invited to the wedding event of the century: Taylor Swift’s ‘In My Married Eras’ Tour!” announced a press release from Taylor Swift’s PR firm. “A love story like no other deserves the tour for the ages, and that’s why Taylor and Travis are traveling around the world sharing their love in a 3.5 hours wedding extravaganza that’s a retrospective tribute to each of their 24 months together and their corresponding dating “eras.” Who knows, maybe you’ll even catch the bouquet and be the next great Love Story?”

Fiancé Travis Kelce was stoked on the idea of the prolonged wedding tour.

“Hell yeah, this two-year wedding tour is the best idea Taylor has had since you invented singing and playing guitar at the same time! Oh, oh, we are going to do the wedding at Barcelona so we can watch those French guys get fucked up by the bulls, that’s going to be so sick,” shouted Kelce, pretending to be a bull as he charged into the refrigerator. “Oh shit, and we can get those scary New Zealand rugby guys to do the haka for us when we’re down under, and maybe if I’m real good I can dress up as a ninja for the wedding in Japan? This is gonna be the best 151 weddings ever!”

Climate scientists were less thrilled about the amount of CO2 the global travel would emit into the atmosphere.

“We estimate that the North American leg of the wedding tour alone will emit over 500,000 lbs of CO2, not to mention the emissions from the travel of her wedding guests, transportation of decorations and caterers, and the ecological defloration that will occur to supply flowers at each stop,” said Dr. Wendy Brodsky. “We fear that this event alone could finally tip our planet over into irreversible climate catastrophe and melt the ice caps for a millennia. And to make matters worse, the fucking Ticketmaster scalping bots already snapped up all the tickets within 200 miles of me!”

At press time, President Trump was threatening to block the wedding tour unless they paid him 10% of the proceeds to approve the Swift-Kelce merger.

Punk Nurse Asks if Any Patients Want to Play Slap the IV Bag

Posted on by Stephen Bell

SPRINGFIELD, Ill. — Intensive care nurse Harper Schlader was reportedly asking any of her patients currently in the ICU if they wanted to play a game called Slap the IV Bag, reported several witnesses to his erratic behavior.

“What the fuck is up, intensive care unit!” screamed Schlader into a microphone and amp that she brought to the unit. “We’ve got morphine drips for all of you so who’s ready to get this shit pumping fast and play Slap the IV Bag? If that doesn’t sound fun, I’m sure we can get a game of Morphine Pong going. Maybe we can also suck on a couple of alcohol swabs to really get our buzz going. I see you over there, Mr. Johnson, asking to play!”

The patients in this particular ICU were feeling pretty good after participating in Schlader’s shenanigans.

“I have never felt better in a hospital setting until playing Slap the IV Bag,” said patient Karen Conner post-appendectomy. “I mean, I felt good until I got really sleepy and then suddenly was wide awake again after they administered the Narcan. But that was that asshole doctor giving me the Narcan and it gave me a serious hangover. Though I guess it was the equivalent to puking and rallying because I did get more morphine afterwards, though disappointingly it was just a normal drip again.”

Lame doctors at the hospital quickly put a stop to Schlader’s activities in the hospital.

“We did some digging and it turns out that the ‘Misfits School of Nursing’ is not real and there is no professor Danzig,” stated ICU physician William Fraseur. “I suppose we should’ve been tipped off to Harper’s phony credentials though after she insisted on wearing one of those sexy nurse outfits from Spirit Halloween instead of scrubs like the rest of our nursing staff. Part of me is going to miss Harper though once she’s gone. She might’ve represented a major breach in hospital protocol, endangered the lives of our patients, opened us up to multi-million dollar lawsuits, and stole tons of medical equipment, but she was fun. And isn’t that what ultimately matters in the ICU?”

At press time, Schlader could be seen getting escorted off of the hospital premises after reportedly suggesting patients play a game called Edward IV Drip Hands.

Bands Are Just an Excuse for Men To Have Photoshoots

Posted on by Jonah Nink

Are you in need of profile photos for Instagram or Hinge? Don’t want to hire a photographer because the boys might think you’re “gay” or something? Try starting a band!

Starting a band is super easy! All you need to do is find two to four other like-minded dudes with entrenched homophobia and learn to play bass. Once those are ready, it’s time for the photoshoot! In terms of location, any foreclosed building, ideally a Church or fire-damaged Wendy’s, will do. The loading dock of Sam’s Club is a personal favorite. Thankfully, the United States is a failed theocratic oligarchy, so dilapidated infrastructure for band photoshoots is plentiful.

Who takes the photos? As the bass player, it’s your responsibility to get your mom to take the photos for free, since it’s likely everyone in the band works at a toll booth.

Are you a non-man feeling left out? You can join in the fun by looking at the photos (wow!) on Instagram (zoinks!)!

The Beatles were the first men to successfully start a band as a way to get nice photos of themselves. The Fab Four did such a good job that they landed a spot on the Ed Sullivan show in 1964. Ed Sullivan and his producers would not allow four disgusting English river peasants near their expensive cameras if they weren’t in a band. The best part is that musical talent is completely optional; for example, just look at The Beatles.

Since the first caveman used a severed pterodactyl penis to draw a portrait of himself on the slimy limestone walls of a damp cave, men have been obsessed with our own image. We built stone statues in our likeness, and baroque tapestries and paintings immortalizing our great deeds. Hell, we even let Howard Stern star in his own biopic for fucks sake!

But it wasn’t until the band photo shoot that stigma-free straight male vanity was truly democratized. If, for some reason, you can’t find other men to start a band with, you can always put on sunglasses and take a selfie in your truck. And say, why not drive that truck straight into the ocean?

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