I Remember When This Chippendales Job Wasn’t Just About Money — It Was About the Dick

Posted on by Ryan Danley

Back in my day, being a Chippendales dancer meant something. It wasn’t just a paycheck, a gig to pay for acting classes, or an easy way to rack up some extra drink tickets. No, it was about passion. It was about the dick.

And not just any dick — the essence of the dick. The commitment to the craft. The pursuit of perfection in every pelvic thrust, every body roll, every moment of intense, sweat-drenched eye contact with the screaming masses. We weren’t just dancing. We were serving.

These new guys? They don’t have the fire. They waltz in with their fake tans, their pre-choreographed routines, their airbrushed abs, and their overly manicured beards, treating this sacred art form like some high-production Vegas residency. Back in the golden age, you didn’t need a glow-up. You needed presence. You needed confidence. In a nutshell, you needed two things:

1. A mustache thick enough to make Tom Selleck nod in approval.
2. A schlong that filled a male G-string like a sausage casing at max capacity.

That was it. No gimmicks. No unnecessary flair. Just pure, unfiltered man musk.

I remember when the crowd didn’t care about spray tans or symmetry. They wanted non-stop gyration. They wanted a man so oiled up he was practically flammable. They wanted raw, untamed masculinity — an avalanche of chest hair, tight pants that left nothing to the imagination, and a body that looked like it had been sculpted by drinking straight whiskey and wrestling bears.

And we knew exactly why we were there. Not for Instagram followers. Not for “brand deals.” No, we were there for the bachelorette parties, the groups of schoolteachers cutting loose on summer break, the bored Midwestern housewives who needed some new dick gyrated in their faces before going back to their thankless, dickless marriages. We were there to restore faith, to remind them that passion still existed — even if only for three minutes at a time.

It was a time when a Chippendales dancer didn’t need a social media presence, just a commanding stage presence. When you didn’t have to worry about your “skin routine,” just whether or not you could keep up with You Can Leave Your Hat On without tearing a hamstring.

But now? Everything feels sanitized. Polished. Manufactured. The little bowties don’t even feel earned anymore.

Maybe I’ll see what’s happening over at Thunder From Down Under. Those dudes still understand what it means to put it all on the line. And by “it,” I mean their dicks.

Beautiful: Band and Audience Connect Over Desire for Gig to Be Over

Posted on by Frederick O'Brien

PLANO, Texas — An incredible meeting of souls occurred last night as Christian punk band The Chastity Pistols and their audience forged a bond over their desperate need for the performance to end, confirmed sources who had better things to do.

“It was the kind of thing you think only happens to other people,” said showgoer Shenade Moore. “We were just like totally simpatico. The lack of energy in the room was incredible. We all felt it. Too often it can feel like there’s an impenetrable wall stopping us from connecting—really connecting—with the people around us, but that couldn’t have been further from the truth last night. It was impossible to tell where my indifference ended and the band’s began. All I know is we got 45 minutes of our time back to do what we wanted. I, for instance, went to Taco Bell. Perfect way to enhance an already beautiful evening.”

Band drummer Axe Blurn couldn’t agree more.

“So often you find yourself on a totally different wavelength from the audience and it sucks, but last night we felt each other completely. It was a really moving experience,” he said, wiping away a tear. “The opening few songs were total duds, I was tired, Dave the frontman was tired, the bassist, I forget his name, was tired, the crowd was tired. Hell, not even the rats in the bathroom were out in the open. No one was feeling it, and that was ok. In fact, it was transcendent. It was a great moment when Dave said we have one more song and everyone cheered.”

Part-time music scholar and full-time bouncer Clay Smith attributed this moment of synergy, akin to Radiohead at Glastonbury 1997 or Talking Heads’ performance for “Stop Making Sense,” to the openness of all present to feel bad at gigs as well as good.

“At the end of the day we go to concerts to unite,” said Smith. “Sometimes the spark for that is a great performance or a solo that expresses something that we never could with words. And sometimes it’s a shared sense of the night having run its course. Whatever form it takes, it’s a sacred and beautiful thing. There’s nothing more uplifting than hearing a crowd chant ‘no more songs’ after you end your set on an otherwise mediocre night.”

At press time, all involved had further bonded over a desire to never see each other again.

Tradwife Had No Idea There’d Be This Much Anal Involved

Posted on by Rob Ryder

RICHMOND — Devoted tradwife Becky Johanson was reportedly shocked with the amount of anal involved with the lifestyle, reported wide-eyed neighbors and friends.

“I was looking to connect with my husband, Trevor, on a deeper level, personally and spiritually. Honestly, I thought a tradwife just meant adhering to traditional gender roles in marriage, like doing laundry and washing dishes. I had no idea it also meant getting railed night after night from behind,” said Johanson while holding several unusually large homegrown eggplants. “After meeting with other tradwives in the area and getting to know their husbands very deeply, it was clear this was rampant in the community. It’s been three months and he thinks it’s really pulling us closer together, but I just wish I could have a couple weeks to let my anus recover from the constant cornholing.”

Johanson’s husband Trevor seemed unsure about the lifestyle, but appeared to have adjusted to the level of control he’s expected to levy on his wife.

“I didn’t really know what the fuck a tradewife was, and honestly I still don’t care what all the details are,” said Mr. Johanson while browsing the wives in the neighborhood directory. “Becky was going on and on about some shit she read online and suddenly I heard the phrase ‘she shall submit’ in the description and just thought, ‘hey, whatever my wife wants, she’s gonna fucking get it.’ I bust my ass down at the Home Depot and the least she can do is cook the meals, clean the house, raise the kids, and yes, three and half hours of butt stuff on a nightly basis. This is traditionally how couples did things according to the Bible, when men were men and women were women. At least that’s how I think they did it. I’ve never read that thing.”

Gregory Adams of the Family Foundation says the tradwife movement truly captures the essence of the Christian American family structure.

“This is about making communities stronger. It’s not just about the bond between a husband and his wife. It’s about strengthening the bond between a husband, his wife, her friends, her sisters, maybe the babysitter if everyone else is out of town,” said Adams while blacking out all the “F” curse words in his copy of ‘“The Handmaid’s Tale.” “It’s also important for men to connect with their friends on a higher level; too many men end up without a place to share feelings, but in the tradwife movement, they’ll have plenty to talk about with their buddies.

At press time, Mrs. Johanson also revealed that she had no idea that she’d have to post so much content about being a tradwife on Instagram and TikTok constantly as part of the stipulations.

Here’s the Best Sports Gear You’ll Need To Prepare for the Mad Max Apocalypse Six Months From Now

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

Let’s face it: when it comes to athletic competition, you’ll take every advantage you can get. The race doesn’t always have to go to the quickest of feet or the golf round to the whitest of WASP; the right sports gear makes all the difference in the world.

The sports equipment and apparel industry is currently experiencing a boom like never before, which is great because pretty soon their products will be all that you have to survive in the brutal, “Mad Max” apocalypse that’s coming in six months. While guzzaline and aqua cola may be scarce and death lurks around every corner, the real key to survival will be your athletic equipment.

That’s why we’ve broken down the best pieces of sports gear to survive six months from now, when your comfortable office job seems like a dream as you eat dog food from a can and cower from the hordes of the great warlord Vivisectus!

Football Shoulder Pads: As we all know, surviving in the devastation of human civilization that will occur right around your next birthday is a contact sport. You’re going to need some high-quality shock absorption for your upper body, which is why now is the time to invest in a good set of NFL-endorsed shoulder pads to protect you in the Thunderdome. Bonus: they look great festooned with spikes and human bones!

Soccer Shin Guards: These may not be the most glamorous piece of sports equipment out there, but in less than half a year when the country has been burnt to a cinder by fire and drowned in water, you’ll be glad your shins are protected! Guard your soft, moist, delicious flesh and shin bones, lest you be slowed by injury and fall behind the rest of Holy Vivisectus’s horde.

You know what happens to easy prey in the wake of the horde. Or at least you will by late summer, at most.

Lacrosse Transparent Full Body Armor: Some people call lacrosse a “niche sport” or “for asshole preppies,” but one thing is certain: the transparent, vacuum-molded full body that is standard issue for midfield and defense will be very handy in the atomic wasteland you’ll be living in before your latest job is even worth putting on your resume. Not only does it protect you from opposing lacrosse attackmen, but it hides the horror of your irradiated flesh from the world!

Steel Hockey Mask: We won’t even get into why this will help in the Future Times, because we’re sure you already have one hanging in your closet for sex reasons.

Eye Black: When you’re out in the Blasted Lands, just cruising for any wanderers you can cannibalize, you’re going to want to protect your eyes. Look like the cool guys in the former NFL from when times were better and green vegetation still existed by coating your undereye area in light-deflecting eye black, though nothing will protect you the memories of all you’ve done to survive in the last few months.

Razor Boomerang: While most people think of a razor-sharp chrome boomerang as a toy for kids, it actually can have multiple uses in the waking nightmare that you will live in far sooner than you could possibly imagine! You can dig with it! Cut sandwiches! Throw it into the heads of rival marauders from a great distance!

When you’ve got a boomerang and all rules of humanity are out the window, the world’s your oyster. Which also won’t exist anymore in six months, by the way.

Man’s Party Trick Successfully Listing All Black Flag Vocalists in Order

Posted on by Mimi Kenny

BOSTON — Local scene veteran Randy Ragnar amazed attendees at a house party with his seamless recitation of all five lead vocalists of Black Flag, several sources with the same parole officer reported.

“We were celebrating finding out that whatever my buddy Horst had wasn’t scabies,” Ragnar said. “Just when it seemed like things were winding down, I got everyone’s attention and just said ‘Keith Morris, Ron Reyes, Dez Cadena, Henry Rollins, Mike Vallely, Ron Reyes, Mike Vallely.’ As usual, people were mouthing ‘motherfucker’ not only from the fact that I knew the name of ‘the other one’ but also that I remembered the ‘My War’ shows he did with them in ‘03. I swear, even Cronus, in his Wild Turkey-and-Hawaiian Punch-induced blackout seemed to process it long enough to applaud before puking into the freezer.”

Kurt Lawton, a long-time friend of Ragnar’s, admitted to feelings of envy regarding his incredible ability.

“I love Randy, but I know to not even bother with my standby of putting out a cigarette on that one part of my gums that had gone completely numb due to nerve damage,” Lawton said while fact-checking him online. “I could cut off my tongue and swallow it whole and it wouldn’t be half as impressive as what he pulls off. He’s like a modern day Nostradamus. And don’t think you can trip him up by asking him about ‘Flag,’ either. Just take it from me.”

Black Flag founder and only consistent member Greg Ginn was also in awe of Ragnar’s skill.

“I know that people expect that I, the guy who started Black Flag, would be able to at least know the first names of every guy who’s handled vocals for us,” Ginn said. “Let’s see, we had Keith, Henry, and that guy…Rick, is that it? There’s a couple others, aren’t there? Honestly, when the new guy joined, I tried my best to remember but eventually, I just called him ‘Champ’ and ultimately kinda stuck with that. I can’t, however, name a single one of our drummers. Probably doesn’t matter anyway.”

At press time, Ragnar had further stunned guests when he revealed he had listened to Black Flag’s 2013 album “What The…” “at least five or six times.”

Democrats Give Book of the Year Award to “The Let Them Theory”

Posted on by Tim Sheard

WASHINGTON — The Democratic Party announced their plans to respond to recent political upheaval by awarding the Book of the Year prize to bestselling pop-psychology book “The Let Them Theory,” which prioritizes self-care over conflict, sources confirmed while rubbing their temples.

“‘The Let Them Theory’ united us around the idea that there are many situations that the Democratic Party simply cannot control, and chief among them is the fate of the country,” said New York Senator Chuck Schumer. “If we tried to stop the Republicans, it would show them that we care, which is tantamount to giving away our power. At the end of the day, and possibly at the end of democracy, playing hardball is not a productive use of our energy. In fact, to cope with the ultimate demise of democracy, we recommend everyone read ‘The Art of Letting Go.’”

Mel Robbins, who wrote “The Let Them Theory” by lifting its major tenets from a poem written by Cassie Phillips, felt honored that her message had reached Capitol Hill.

“The elected and unelected leaders of this country are absolutely toxic, and as I write in my book, toxic people don’t change,” Robbins explained. “The healthiest thing the Democrats can do to respond to this illegal power grab is draw boundaries, disengage, and protect themselves — and their seats in congress. The worst thing you can do for your mental health is fight fascism for your constituents.”

While the book may be all the rage in the current moment, it’s far from a new idea, according to World War II scholar Gila Pfefferman, PhD.

“Many elected officials throughout history have decided to ‘let them,’ such as the Vichy government in France,” said Pfefferman. “They made the decision to work with the Nazis instead of getting their hands dirty and mounting a resistance, and we’re seeing Democrats practicing the same kind of radical acceptance now. Let’s be real, if ‘The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People’ doesn’t make their way onto their bookshelves some time soon, they may never hold power again.”

At press time, the Trump administration was hard at work reestablishing diplomatic relations with Russia, while the Democrats were reaching across the aisle to hand copies of “The Let Them Theory” to their Republican colleagues.

Opinion: Maybe Annexing Canada Wouldn’t Be So Bad if It Means We Don’t Have To Hear Both National Anthems at NHL Games

Posted on by Stephen Bell

Look, everyone keeps talking about what a stupid idea it would be if the United States were to annex Canada and make it the 51st state. Something something this would cause a massive war and many deaths, something something fascist regime blah blah blah. And look I get that this whole thing sounds scary, but no one talks about the potential positives. Namely that when Canadian and American NHL teams play each other we would no longer have to listen to both national anthems before the game.

I think we’ve all been in that situation in which you come to watch your favorite hockey team filled with Russian and Czech players who are playing for the glory of Columbus, Ohio and you sit down ready to start the game but then you remember that you have to hear a song glorifying America’s loss in the War of 1812. It’s boring and it’s just a cynical ploy to recruit more soldiers into the military. But then that dreadful moment hits you and you realize you’re playing against Winnipeg and bam! Suddenly a rendition of O Canada comes out over the speakers and you’re just so bored that you wish you hadn’t come at all.

If we annex Canada then this situation would never have to happen again. Instead of having to listen to some song about how cool beavers and maple syrup are, you still only have to listen to that one shitty song. Except now it would be a reminder about revenge against Canada for that time they burned the White House. Really rub it in the faces of those people whom we just liberated by annexing their entire nation.

Finally, I should point out that a Canadian team hasn’t won the Stanley Cup since 1993. If the ghost of Lord Frederick Stanley who resides in his cup didn’t want Canada to be part of the United States, then he would’ve used his supernatural powers to make a Canadian team win. No, I think this Canada annexation plan is exactly what he would have wanted.

Highly Recruited High School Metalhead Considering Offers From Multiple Local Pizza Shops

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

SAN ANTONIO — Local metalhead Spencer Leggieri is reportedly being scouted by multiple pizza shops across the city in hopes of securing his talent as a full-time employee after graduation, excited sources confirmed.

“The past few weeks have been overwhelming. Recruiters are calling me, sending me letters, and assistant managers are coming to my house to try to convince me to commit to working for them in the fall. And these aren’t just small pizza shops, we are talking big names like Tony’s, Tony’s II, Main Street Pies, and even St. Pizza,” said Leggieri. “The most important thing to me is the culture of the kitchen. I won’t be able to work in a place where people only play Slayer and Metallica. I need more than that, I need depth. I need to be surrounded by people who can make pizza while listening to metal that runs the gamut from Children of Bodom to Malevolent Creation. And this is the big leagues, I want them to show me obscure metal bands from the ‘80s that only released one demo tape before they all died driving drunk.”

Leggieri’s mother Aubrey is trying to gently push her son in the direction she sees as the most promising.

“I want the best for my son. He’s put in a lot of hard work growing out his hair, sprouting a terrible mustache, and layering his denim jacket with patches. And I hope he chooses Taste of Italy. His father worked there back in the ‘90s, and his brother worked there part-time. It’s our family legacy,” said Mrs. Leggieri. “Plus they have the best breadsticks out of everyone else in town. If Spencer is working there he will get to bring home some leftovers, and we get the friends and family discount. This is a life-changing opportunity and I’d hate to see him waste it.”

Retired pizza shop recruiter Dave “Grimey” Burdette warns that this decision should not be taken lightly.

“I’ve seen so many promising young pizza makers get a taste of the big time and burnout. There is so much more to the job than talking shit about every customer with your co-workers and getting so drunk after your shift you need your stomach pumped,” said Burdette. “These guys tend to forget it’s actually about the pizza. It’s about making a pie so good that most normal people will overlook how filthy the place is because they know the pizza is better than anything else in town.”

At press time, Leggieri was considering taking a gap year to study thrash history in the Bay Area.

Kanye West Interrupts Best Picture Winner On Stage at Oscars to Say “Triumph of the Will” One of the Best Films of All Time

Posted on by Bobby Korec

LOS ANGELES — Controversial rapper Kanye West interrupted the Best Picture winner on stage at the Academy Awards to say the 1935 Nazi propaganda movie “Triumph of the Will” was one of the greatest films of all time, confirmed sources who all said “not again” in unison.

“I’m really happy for the winners and I’ll let them finish, but Leni Riefenstahl had one of the best movies of all time,” said West without breaking eye contact with Ralph Fiennes for some reason. “It’s 2025, so it’s time we finally recognize the filmmaking accomplishments from 90 years ago. Plus, this one wasn’t three and a half hours long like a certain movie called ‘The Brutalist.’ I’ve never even heard of half of the movies in this category, and I refuse to live in a country that acknowledges Timothée Chalamet as a human being. ‘The Substance’ was pretty dope though.”

Fans of West seemed to enjoy him getting air time.

“I’m more upset that he spoiled the ending of that film for those of us who hadn’t seen it yet,” said West fan James Winston. “This reminded me of the time Ye interrupted Taylor Swift cheering her boyfriend Travis Kelce at a Chiefs game while she was on the Jumbotron. Not to mention it’s also like the time he took the mic from T-Swift mid-concert to tell her fans that Beyoncé actually had a better career than her. Man, I just can’t get enough of that guy barging in on famous pop stars.”

Experts were quick to point to other live events that West infiltrated.

“Let’s just say, whenever there’s an award show, make sure you keep Kanye as far away from the venue as humanly possible,” said pop culture blogger Mandy Struve. “Last week at the SAG Awards he interrupted Kieran Culkin during his acceptance speech after winning best male actor in a supporting role to say that Edward Norton in ‘American History X’ gave one of the best acting performances of all time. Before that, he rushed the stage at the Grammy’s to interrupt Chappel Roan and announce that Skrewdriver was one of the best bands of all time. This man simply has no boundaries.”

At press time, West doubled down by rushing the stage yet again to announce that “The Birth of a Nation” was also one of the greatest cinematic masterpieces of all time.

Parents of Oscar Winner for Best Short Film Still Asking if He “Makes His Little Movies”

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

LOS ANGELES — Local parents Greg and Linda Dwyer reportedly continue to dismiss their son’s filmmaking career by referring to his critically-lauded work as “his little movies,” despite him winning an Academy Award for Best Live Action Short Film for “The Unturned Stone,” confirmed sources.

“Oh, he’s still doing that? I’m happy for him, but it’s not like he made a Marvel movie. I can’t find his movies on Netflix,” said the father of two, standing in a kitchen cluttered with unread rave reviews of his son’s film he had sent them. “All I am saying is that it is never too late to apply to law school and make his little movies on the side. I just don’t know how winning the Audience Award at the Toronto Film Festival is going to pay the electric bill.”

Their son, now Oscar-winning filmmaker, Alan Dwyer, immediately returned to his childhood home from the ceremony, where his mother expressed confusion over his continued pursuit of filmmaking instead of settling down.

“I walked through the front door holding a literal Academy Award—the most famous trophy in the world of filmmaking and my mom told me she texted my ex Rachel to let her know I was in town,’” Alan said from his childhood bedroom surrounded by posters of his favorite filmmakers. “My dad said, ‘Neat,’ and let me know the compliance office at his old company is hiring and that I need to start ‘pounding the pavement,’ whatever that means. I literally had drinks with Bong Joon-ho last night!”

Experts say this phenomenon is common among parents of artists, regardless of achievement.

“Many parents fundamentally struggle to recognize creative success unless it results in an easily explainable career and steady paycheck,” said Dr. Madeline Choi, a cinema psychologist at the UCLA film school. “They don’t view ‘Best Short Film’ as a legitimate Oscar because it isn’t something that is played 13 times a day on TBS or sold in a bargain bin at Walmart next to ‘The Hangover 3.’ If want your parents to notice you, you’ll have to try a little harder than making a brilliant 26-minute long cinematic short that captivates the world.”

At press time, Mr. and Mrs. Dwyer were seen explaining to a neighbor that their son “is still finding himself,” while asking if their daughter, a real estate agent, can help get Alan’s foot in the door.