Dropkick Murphys Bagpipe Player Googles “Puke Bagpipes Clean Help Boston”

Posted on by Chris Bratton

BOSTON — Dropkick Murphys bagpipe player Campbell Webster was seen frantically Googling “puke bagpipes clean help Boston,” confirmed sources who gave him a “good luck with that” look before carrying on their way.

“I swear, if I have to lose another set of pipes due to partially digested food and regurgitated stomach bile I’m going to lose my shit,” said Webster using Incognito Mode. “Ah, here we go. It says right here to carefully cut the bag part open between the tenor drones and chanter using an 18th century single-edged dagger purchased from a guy who sells wares in Termonfeckin, dump the vomit out at a 45-degree angle while reciting the works of James Joyce, and sew it back up using the hair follicle of an Irish hare. Whew, good thing I have all of these items at my disposal or else this really could’ve been a nightmare. I’m not even sure who’s puke this is, but if I had to venture a guess it’d be the mandolin player. He’s always hurling in our instruments. If it’s not his then it’s definitely mine.”

Bandmates seemed all too used to this sort of behavior.

“You should see this dude’s search history,” said Dropkick Murphys singer Ken Casey. “It’s all bagpipe-related, like ‘how to tune that one Irish instrument,’ ‘bagpipery for beginners,’ and ‘do bagpipes still work if you’ve inserted your penis in one of the pipe holes.’ I mean, this guy really wants to know the ins and outs of his instrument. True dedication to the craft. If only our drummer had the same enthusiasm. All of his Google searches are related to Guinness beer and the Boston Celtics. Sure, mine are too, but still.”

Experts were quick to note similar instances among bands.

“Musicians’ browser histories are often very comical,” said music critic Dana Bowsing. “Glenn Danzig’s history is just b-horror movie clips from the 1940s and dark web photos of Marilyn Monroe’s rotting corpse. Slipknot band members’ searches are exactly ‘If I wear a mask for too long does it start to fuse to my face.’ Not to mention, all of Gwar’s searches are just how to get fake blood stains out of various articles of clothing, living room furniture, and pet hair. Nothing but weird stuff.”

At press time, Webster began receiving targeted ads from bagpipe brands, Boston tourism, and puke bucket companies.

How I Finally Got the Courage To Build Myself up by Tearing Other People Down

Posted on by Doug Kolic

Experts say taking care of your mental health is one of the most important things you can do. That’s why this year I finally decided to put myself first and do whatever it takes to build my esteem up, which I’ve discovered is most quickly achieved by tearing others down.

Many self-help gurus say it’s vital to shift your mindset from what you “should” do to what you “must” do, which I interpreted as needing to tell my best friend Todd that his lifelong commitment to helping special needs kids is just a pathetic ploy for validation because he has a God complex. It’s amazing how quickly I felt better about myself after telling him that his life was a sham.

Secondly, I started to practice self-love. I achieved this by being proud of my values, which taught me to embrace my strength which I realized was being a dick to people around me in order to elevate my ego. Such as when I told my coworker Kathy that everyone knew she was crying in the breakroom last week, mainly because I secretly filmed it and showed them. That might seem like a lousy thing to do, but it makes sense after you realize I had to do something to deflect from the fact that I showed up a bit tipsy to work.

Another tool I employed was confronting my fears. I’ve always had bad anxiety, which has stopped me from being my authentic self. But now I just throw caution to the wind and venture into new situations with an open heart, knowing that I can turn fear into something positive. Like when I turned the trepidation of my wife leaving me after she discovered my secret family, into something good when I announced that I had cancer, something which guilted her into staying. The fact that it’s not true is inconsequential.

You might be taking this all in and thinking “My God, these are the hallmarks of an overly aggressive sociopath,” but hear me out — shut up nerd. Is it lonely up there on your pedestal?

In the end, every person needs to embark on their own spiritual journey to achieve contentment. Some may succeed with affirmations and therapy, but for those of us who don’t fall for horseshit like that, it’s much easier to achieve when you’re feeding your spirit flame to reach new heights of joy by extinguishing the spirits of anyone who doesn’t have the benefit of being you, like Todd, my idiot son.

Image of Shane MacGowan Appears in Pile of Guinness-Induced Vomit

Posted on by Chris Bowen

LOWELL, Mass. — Local boozehound Dennis McLaughlin was divinely inspired to continue to drink to the point of incoherence after witnessing an image of former Pogues singer Shane MacGowan in his pile of puke after drinking Guinness for 7 straight hours, sad pasty sources report.

“I felt like I had nothing left to live for or spew up by 2 p.m., that’s how lost I was feeling. But when I looked down at the dark black, fizzing pile of my last barf session and saw Shane’s half-way open, inebriated eyes looking back at me, I was back to annoying people with drunkenly singing ‘Dirty Old Town’ in their faces again in no time,” McLaughlin said. “From that point on, I could tell Shane was by my side keeping me safe, and surprisingly out of the drunk tank, for the rest of the night, and beyond.”

Stacy O’Bright, bartender and owner of “O’Bright’s Bar and Grill,” was bartending the night McLaughlin saw the holy image.

“That guy was a menace. He would periodically keep looking down at the pile of viscous liquid and pickled sausage chunks he barfed up, smile and wink at it, then try starting fist fights with the drunk college kids who were here to do Dropkick Murphys karoake,” O’Bright stated. “This is an Irish bar and grill, you think I want some guy dressed as a leprechaun getting hammered, stumbling all over and causing a scene? I can’t have mine be the laughing stock of all the Irish bars in the area, I have no time for that sort of drunken riff-raff.”

Legendary Boston Irish punk Dennis Sweeny claims Irish punks all over the world have been witnessing Shane MacGowan’s image in the short time since his passing.

“It seems as if wherever there is a drunken Irish punk, Shane is there with them,” Sweeny explained. “As a matter of fact, you don’t necessarily even need to be Irish for him to appear. I have a friend who is originally from Jordan who claims to have seen his face in the toilet bowl during a night of dangerous levels of drinking. He mysteriously started singing ‘A Pair of Brown Eyes,’ after later saying he’d never heard the song before, and continued to drink everyone under the table. It was a St. Patrick’s Day miracle!”

At press time, Irish rocker Bono would inspire those who saw his image in their piles of puke to quit drinking and find rehabilitation immediately.

Confederate LARPer Loser in Real Life Too

Posted on by Vincent J Ives

WILLIAMSBURG, Va. — Local Confederate LARPer Dale McKagney was known around town as a loser in his everyday life which coincided with his role-playing life, confirmed sources.

“The art of live action role playing requires one to have as few friends as possible in order to have the ample amount of time necessary to practice Civil War battle moves by yourself on a Saturday night,” said the 31-year-old McKagney. “Sure, I’ve never had a girlfriend and I’ve only heard about the concept of sexual intercourse through word of mouth, but that doesn’t mean I can’t adeptly wield my custom musket in a field with a dozen other Stonewall Jackson fans. And yeah, ultimately we lose, but that’s just a technicality. Also, these Confederate Flags I hang in my room are only to help get into character. Not to mention, Robert E. Lee wasn’t as bad as the mainstream media portrays him.”

On the other hand, LARPers of the Union appeared to be anything but losers in their real lives.

“I have a wife, three kids, a paid off home, a job that pays handsomely, and my health. I only do this LARPing thing as a hobby because I’m such a history biff. Some of those Confederate nerds take this way too seriously,” said live action role player Anthony Fleur. “These neck-bearded dweebs like to talk about preserving their culture. If only they invested that same energy in their own personal life. But I guess that’s why the Confederates lost in the first place. Too many deadbeats on their team and not enough Ulysses S. Grants on their side. These guys should try seceding from their parent’s basement once in a while.”

Civil War experts provided some context on these types of LARPers.

“Many losers like to glom onto the Confederacy as a coping mechanism,” said historian Peter Dwellor. “I guess losers just naturally relate to Jefferson Davis. When you’re so used to losing in your own life, you find a lot of comfort in unsuccessful historical figures. It’s like when MAGA people refused to accept that they were losers in the 2020 election. Plus, they are always head to toe in Trump and MAGA merch. Only a complete loser would dress like that.”

At press time, a nearby group of losers were LARPing as Nazi Germany during a World War II reenactment.

Help! Bon Iver Won’t Stop Writing Melancholy Songs About My Small Town’s Relationship Drama!

Posted on by Yancy Lee Crawford

I get that everyone else is super excited about Bon Iver’s new album of melancholy love songs, but, buddy, I cannot wait for that creep to get the hell out of Evansville, IN. He milked our town’s relationship drama for a record’s worth of material, and it was exhausting.

When my ex and I broke up in the park, Bon Iver was crouching behind a bush, plucking a guitar, and humming some shit about an astuary king passing through a vertebrae queen without the breeze of love. When he says it like that, the lyrics might as well be, “Jacob Snider is incapable of commitment and will dump you when he gets bored!” What the fuck, man? It was mutual!

And everyone that hangs out at the Peephole is sick of him, too! Bon Iver has been eating fried bologna sandwiches and taking notes in the corner like a fucking psychopath for the last six months. Which also means open mic nights suck now. A Grammy-winning musician wearing a fake mustache over his real mustache basically recites the oral history of our romantic trysts through a vocoder. It’s beautiful and upsetting.

Once, when he went to the bathroom, I looked in his notebook, and that man is unscrupulous. This sad king must be tapping our phones because he’s documented every flirty emoji, late-night DM, and dick pic in Vanderburgh County. I didn’t appreciate accidentally reading who my sister’s been sexting, but it’s nice to know it’s with a decent guy.

And he’s never brought Taylor Swift around—although Aaron Rodgers did come for one horrible weekend. Mr. Football bought a bunch of ditch weed and talked about vaccines with every uncle he saw. It was a boost to the economy, but at what price?

But as embarrassing as it is to have a Shakespearian ghost-lookin’ motherfucker sing about our failed relationships, Evansville should be flattered. Wisconsin could never inspire harrowing songs of emotional disquiet like us. We all knew Justin Vernon would one day be forced to mine Southwest Indiana for its signature ennui.

That said, please don’t come here trying to replicate his success. I hate to admit it, but our dysfunction pairs exceptionally well with Bon Iver’s unique combination of palpable sadness and bespoke instruments.

Battle Rapper Shocked to Learn Mom Slept With So Many of His Competitors

Posted on by Doug Kolic

ATLANTA — Local battle rapper Slim Todd Paulson was apparently surprised that so many of his opponents in a recent competition slept with his mother, according to nearby sources questioning his mental faculties.

“That revelation did throw me off my game a little bit,” admitted Paulson. “When the first guy mentioned her riding his ‘disco stick,’ I thought it must have been a case of mistaken identity because I don’t ever remember her showing interest in going to clubs or drinking Cristal off anyone’s abs like he claimed. But then after the fourth guy dropped a line indicating he also hooked up with her, I knew it had to be more than just a coincidence. She’s a grown woman so she can obviously do whatever she wants, but I feel like she should have at least given me a head’s up. Plus, now I gotta figure out a way to break the news to my dad.”

Competitor Killa Chainz questioned whether Paulson understood the format of the contest.

“This fool for real?” Chainz stated. “Does he not know that we just make shit up about each other as part of this whole thing? Like my dude, nobody here actually knows who your mom is let alone are they sleeping with her. Bless his heart. I don’t think he will last long as a battle rapper, but in the meantime I’m more than happy to continue collecting W’s off of him. Maybe the next time we face off, I’ll put him into a coma by dropping a line about his grandma.”

Professor of Music and Culture Dr. Albert Kenn explained that people trying new hobbies sometimes don’t understand all the nuances involved.

“Many times new participants in rap battles are unprepared for their ferociousness,” said Dr. Kenn. “Roast battles, poetry slams, and even best man speeches can easily give someone a complex if they take them literally. It’s important to understand that the insults that fly are not meant to be taken seriously, but for the uninitiated, they can take years of costly therapy to get over if you believe everything you hear, like a dumbass.”

At press time, Paulson withdrew from the competition and was seen rushing to his accountant’s office after numerous competitors said he was a “broke ass bitch.”

Five Songs We Listened To This Week While Desperately Trying To Save Our Sleep Schedules

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

We’ve made it through yet another week with at least some semblance of sanity left. To ensure you burn off that extra little bit while simultaneously reeling with the damage Daylight Savings Time has done to your circadian rhythm, you might want to start listening to some new music. Here are five new tracks our staff has been listening to while grumbling and falling asleep at their desks.

Feeble Little Horse ‘This Is Real’

If you stumbled upon a VHS tape that had been partially eaten by rats, attempted to fix it with glitter glue, and then popped in a barely functioning VCR, you would probably get close to the sound of Feeble Little Horse’s ‘This Is Real.’ That’s a compliment, by the way. The Pittsburgh quartet’s first single since their incredible 2023 debut album cranks their beloved eccentricities up to a thousand, resulting in some of the nastiest shoegaze you’ve heard in your life.

Propagandhi ‘At Peace’

OH SHIT! Propagandhi is back! It’s been eight years since we’ve felt so lectured by a band, and goddamn did we miss it. ‘At Peace,’ the lead single and title track from their forthcoming album, is a blistering and triumphant return for the Canadian punk legends. The riffs are so sharp you’ll feel like you got a papercut from an anti-capitalist pamphlet. Play this one loud while thinking of ways to massively disrupt your local city council meeting.

Stander ‘Exhaustion’

If you’ve been finding yourself awake at 3 a.m., brain buzzing with dread, thinking the only thing that can help you is depressing post-hardcore music, then Stander’s “Exhaustion” is here to validate your worst instincts. It’s a relentless, churning mess of jagged riffs and raw-throated vocals – the perfect soundtrack for pacing around your apartment while your neighbors wonder when you started running an unlicensed fight club. By the end, you’re either cathartically drained or ready to punch through drywall. Either way, progress!

Lauren Mayberry ‘Sorry, Etc. Etc. feat. Joe Talbot’

You wouldn’t think that combining the worlds of CHVRCHES and IDLES would work, considering the only aesthetic similarities between the two are the unnecessary all caps spelling of their names, but yet, here we are. ‘Sorry, Etc. Etc.’ first appeared on Lauren Mayberry’s debut solo album in December, and was selected for a grittier rework after a proposed collaboration with Joe Talbot. It’s a more urgent version of the original, and plays out like a rom-com in which the main characters spend the first half of the movie arguing with each other.

Ty Segall ‘Fantastic Tomb’

Imagine someone remade the movie ‘Speed.’ Instead of having to keep the bus going at 50 mph, though, the protagonist has to keep recording music or an unrelated bus somewhere will explode – the plot isn’t great, but anyway. The star would likely be Ty Segall, who seems incapable of not churning shit out. After releasing two albums last year, he’s back with another: ‘Possession.’ The lead single ‘Fantastic Tomb’ is a ‘70s style doozy, which should surprise no one.

If you’re still looking for a jolt of new music to blast while having no idea what it, like, ‘really even is, man,’ look no further! We’ve compiled all of these and others into a handy playlist so you can be even more sluggish for the next few days. Check it out below:

Democratic Congressman Travels Back in Time to Hold Up Tiny Sign Near Baby Hitler

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

BRAUNAU AM INN, Austria — Democratic Congressman David Eastlund of Nevada bent the rules of time and space as we know it to go back in time and hold up a tiny protest sign within the vicinity of Adolph Hitler as a newborn baby, multiple confused sources report.

“I spent hours in my lab and finally created a device that would bring me right to the moment Hitler was born so I could give that baby a piece of my mind and change the course of history,” said Representative Eastlund while enjoying a delicious plate of apple strudel at a quaint Austrian cafe. “I didn’t want to be rude when I arrived at Hitler’s place so I stood in the doorway and held a sign that said ‘Save Medicaid’ as high as I could. I’m pretty sure baby Adolph saw it, but he may have been sleeping. After about 15 seconds a man with a very thick mustache escorted me out of the building, but my message was pretty clear. I’m excited to see how much better the world is once I go back to the present.”

Klara Hitler, the mother of the newborn baby who would grow up to be a genocidal madman, spoke of the incident through a translator.

“I was trying to rest when there was a soft knock on the door. There was a man in strange clothing standing completely silent holding a paddle like he was at the sausage auction. He didn’t say a word, but he seemed quite nervous,” said Mrs. Hitler. “I kept asking if he wanted to come in for some tea but he wouldn’t respond. Eventually my husband had to intervene and ask the man to leave. Strange things keep happening ever since baby Adolph was born, just last night another man with a gun came into our home and threatened to shoot our baby, but he didn’t pull the trigger and then fled through the window.”

Historian Jane Plumber says nothing will change until someone is actually brave enough to commit infanticide.

“It’s clear that time traveling back to April 20, 1889, in Austria is getting easier and easier. But you can’t just go and give baby Hitler a lecture on why genocide is bad. You need to pick the kid up and spike him on the ground like a football,” said Plumber. “And killing the baby isn’t even the worst part, you will most likely get arrested for killing this kid and nobody will actually know you’re a hero to millions. You are just some psycho who turned a healthy baby into a puddle of blood and guts. Unfortunately, that’s the only way to make a difference.”

At press time, Rep. Eastlund returned to 2025 and realized he failed to make a difference, but intends to travel back once again and stand up to baby Hitler by wearing a pink tie.

We Asked AI To Make a Tom Waits Song and It’s Six Minutes of Skeleton Bones Falling Into a Pile

Posted on by Bob Kerr

We’ve listened to a lot of AI-generated songs in our time, and let’s be honest, it’s been laughably bad. To think, we’ve been so worried about AI taking over music! “Ha ha!” We chortled, mocking dumb ol’ AI.

Well, now we’re not laughing, because we asked AI to make up a Tom Waits song and it gave us a six-minute track of skeleton bones falling into a pile. It was so convincing, it made our actual human flesh curdle.

As we continued listening to the melodic clatter of human remains falling on top of more human remains, our boss barged in: “Why the hell are you playing Swordfishtrombones right now? It’s not even noon!” We told him that it was actually AI. “You’re fucking with me.” I slowly showed him my laptop.

His face went pale. “That’s it, then. They’ve done it. This is the beginning of the end.” The hollow click-clack of a skull tumbling over a ribcage punctuated his point.

Just then, we heard a loud clang of a metal trash can falling over in the alleyway. I went to investigate and realized we don’t have a trash can in the alleyway. My blood ran cold. It was the AI-Tom Waits song.

Our intern walked in and started singing: “The Earth died screaming, as I lay dreaming!” Our boss punched him in the mouth.

We heard a frightening mewling of a cat in heat. AI Tom Waits. Chains being dragged across more chains. AI Tom Waits. The sound of a circus tent being erected. AI Tom Waits. Some of us had to leave the room to trauma-vomit.

That night, I went home and curled up in bed. Music was dead. I wanted to be comforted but I didn’t know how. So I asked AI to make a lullaby in the style of Bjork. It started playing seagulls screeching inside a kaleidoscope.

That’s the stuff.

Bruce Springsteen’s Grandkids Exhausted After Lullaby Last Four Hours, Two Encores

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

COLTS NECK, N.J. — The grandchildren of legendary musical artist Bruce Springsteen are reportedly exhausted after being serenaded with a soul-scorching series of lullabies that made them believe in the power of rock and roll but also just want to fucking sleep, confirmed sources.

“I love Grandpa, even though he makes us call him The Boss,” Wendy Springsteen, 7, said while yawning heavily. “He has all these funny stories about growing up in something called ‘The Working Class’ and hanging out with magic rats, but I really hate it when he sings us to bed. Me and my sister Mary and my brother ‘69 Chevy been wanting to sleep for hours now and he brought in some guy who he says is the nephew of a guy who used to play saxophone for him and now there’s another 20 minutes of solos.”

Springsteen himself was ready to keep going between lullaby encores.

“These kids are in for a show,” Springsteen said. “A number like ‘Itsy Bitsy [Spider]’ can’t be summed up in a 15 or 40 minute performance, you know? When people or my own grandchildren sign up for a Springsteen show, they know they’re getting an experience that they’ll remember for a lifetime and I can’t let them down. If I only did one encore during this lullaby, what’s next? A 15-minute set at my nephew’s bris? A half-assed Tom Waits cover during my neighbor’s cousin’s daughter’s junior high school graduation? Rock and roll doesn’t die, no matter how sleepy someone is.”

Behavioral therapist Martha Carter says that the tendency of legacy rockers like Springsteen to keep their progeny up at night is indicative of a troubling trend.

“It is typical for musicians like Mr. Springsteen to feel like they need to perform for hours for paying customers,” said Carter. “And that can bleed over to lullabies, voicemails, even takeout orders. Pearl Jam has been known to do six hour sets to commemorate savings time and Red Hot Chili Peppers once spent two and a half days going ‘ring a ding dingy dang’ when Flea’s niece won a spelling bee. In other words, musicians need to get a fucking grip.”

As of press time, Springsteen’s grandchildren burst into tears as he interrupted a lullaby to introduce a guest performance of “Rock-a-bye-Baby in the Free World” by Neil Young.