Report: Statistically Elon 3-4 Children Away From Having One Who Actually Loves Him

Posted on by Reece Napierski

BOSTON — Researchers at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology determined that billionaire and father of 13 Elon Musk is statistically three to four children away from having one who actually loves him.

“Love and the likelihood of its occurrence is a difficult thing to quantify,” said lead researcher Patricia Turkington, PhD. “But we’re all pretty convinced that after siring a few more children or so, one of them is bound to at least tolerate Elon. And our computer models suggest that, from said tolerance, a vaguely positive feeling of affinity that could generously be classified as affection bordering on love could hypothetically follow. And if that number isn’t correct then unfortunately science has failed us.”

Musk’s son Kai seemed to develop a distaste for his father.

“I think it would help if he would stop naming his kids after Steam product keys and making verifiably untrue claims like he invented the baking soda volcano,” said the young Musk. “One time he asked if I wanted to have a catch. I agreed, so he arranged to have one of his companies build a robot that can do that. He never even taught me how to drive. He just sat me down in one of his self-driving vehicles and said I’d get the gist. He’s so weird.”

Musk characterized MIT’s study as baseless and deeply hurtful.

“I have an incredible relationship with all of my many children with the exception of a few bad eggs, who I might add have the physiognomy of hysterical tavern maidens,” said Musk. “I should remind MIT, the media, and my children, some of which I can’t remember their names right now, that I am not only super rich, a world-class gamer, inventor, magician, and great in bed, but I am also one of the top fathers worldwide. I implore any ‘skeptics’ to check the leaderboards on TopDads.X.Com. I dominate the North American region, spending more than 1,000 dad-hours this month alone on fathering and accruing over 1.5 million pop-pop tokens in the process. These are the indisputable facts that confirm I am an exceptional father.”

At press time, researchers also concluded that Musk was five or six more baby mamas away from one that can actually stand to be around him.

Opinion: This Can’t Be the Country I Grew up In, Because There Used To Be Way More Pizza Huts

Posted on by Ben Friedman

Not to sound like a bitter old man but things truly were better back in the halcyon days of the 90’s, rose colored glasses be damned. That’s when I remember America being great, when my frontal lobe wasn’t fully developed and the world wasn’t backward like a stuffed-crust pizza.

Something has changed, and definitely for the worse. I look around and no longer see the country I was born and raised in because I could swear there used to be way more Pizza Huts around.

You might think it’s a weird metric to measure how far down the USA has been flushed down the shitter, but the last time the federal government had a consistent surplus, Mr. Pizza Head was on our TV’s every other commercial break. Coincidence? I think not!

There’s no hiding the fact that our rights have slowly been eroding for decades, culminating in the country collapsing in on itself like a dying star. Many people will blame the ruling class, I blame the dipshit at Yum! Brands who thought it would be a good idea to ditch Pizza Hut’s iconic roofs and make them look like banks. If you want to know where America’s soul went, it died when fast casual pizza joints stopped looking like they were wearing wide brim hats.

It was not too long ago that you’d have family-friendly chain pizza restaurants in every town with aesthetics reminiscent of a 1980’s basement. And they were endorsed by the Ninja Turtles for God’s sake! You couldn’t get a better stamp of approval than that, especially since I thought they were real until I was eight years old.

This has the deep state’s greasy fingers all over it. Just follow the breadcrumbs: Bush passes “No Child Left Behind”, literacy rates plummet, the “Book It!” program gets scrapped so then nobody is getting personal pan pizzas, and next thing we know Pizza Huts start disappearing and media literacy is extinct. Checkmate, America.

Was the Hut out-pizza’d overnight, or were we just not paying attention? I always knew the unchecked proliferation of Papa John’s and Murphy’s would lead our nation astray. They’re not my real (pizza) dad!

Well, it was nice while it lasted. At least I have the memories and these Land Before Time hand puppets to remind me that at one point, life made sense.

Five English Majors Form Remedial Math Rock Band

Posted on by Amy Ash

SAN DIEGO — A local group of five CSU San Marcos English majors formed a remedial math rock band to bone up on their algebra skills, confirmed sources.

“We knew bit off more than we could chew when we all barely passed Trigonometry 101, so we formed Alpha Asphalt,” said bassist and creative writing minor Mike Singh. “Complex and unusual time signatures are a major hurdle for us. Steve Albini had a journalism degree and he crushed it in this genre so I figured we’d be OK. Turns out you have to be a goddamn ‘Good Will Hunting’ to do this shit. You think Albini ever punched ‘13/8’ into a calculator to try and make sense of it, only to get more scared and confused when ‘1.625’ popped up? Hell no, but that was my Saturday night.”

Friend of the band Kate Flores admires the musicians’ commitment and lofty goals but admits it’s been painful to watch them contend with numbers higher than four.

“It’s not easy to witness five adults angrily counting on their fingers,” Flores said. “When they practice it feels like they’re all taking a math test while somebody else yells out random numbers to mess them up, and whenever one of them goes out ‘for a smoke’ I know they’re crying. They’ve tried to hire a tutor to help improve their chops but couldn’t get anyone from Slint. At some point, they’ll probably realize that they should switch to being an advanced level indie band. We all know English majors thrive at making indie music.”

Rachel Radner, whose unlikely rise to stardom in the AP math rock band Shin Splint included no formal calculus training, believes these young musicians are not alone in their struggle.

“A lot of people think atypical structures mean playing math rock is totally freewheelin’,” said Radner. “In reality, it requires intense focus and it may not be for the faint of heart, or for most people with Emily Dickinson tattoos. It takes a lot of studying and midnight cram sessions to write an album as good as American Football. You simply can’t get good at this genre if you’re reading Shakespeare and writing essays about deconstructing post-modernism.”

At press time, the band devised a fallback option to just call it noise rock if remedial math rock doesn’t work out.

Trump to Meet with Putin for His 90-Day Review

Posted on by Ben Friedman

WASHINGTON — Donald Trump announced that he would be meeting with Russian President Vladimir Putin to discuss a number of international policies for his 90-day foreign asset probationary review, the White House has confirmed.

“We’re going to have a great conversation, a perfect conversation. Some are already saying it’s going to be the best two guys talking and the history books will remember it as amazing. I know Putin is going to love how I’ve convinced so many Americans to love Russia. Because Russia used to be the bad guys, but now they are the good guys and Canada are the bad guys. I know he was very proud when the Vice President and I lectured Zelenskyy at the White House, that was a beatdown, and when I halted sending weapons to those pesky Ukrainians I certainly set myself up for being his top guy,” said Trump while in route from Mar-a-Lago to Washington for the ninth time this week. “Putin was very specific about the job requirements this time around, that I needed to deliver more wins for Russia than my last term. He said ‘we’ll push you out of a window, we’ll poison your Big Macs’. But here I am with two feet on the ground in the best of health so I must be doing a terrific job. As soon as I can hand Crimea to Russia he said we can start building casinos and he’ll start contributing to my HSA. The winning will never end!”

As of press time, Kremlin officials stated if the review goes well, going forward Trump will report directly to Elon Musk regarding his progress in upending the stability of Western civilization.

Dropkick Murphys Bagpipe Player Googles “Puke Bagpipes Clean Help Boston”

Posted on by Chris Bratton

BOSTON — Dropkick Murphys bagpipe player Campbell Webster was seen frantically Googling “puke bagpipes clean help Boston,” confirmed sources who gave him a “good luck with that” look before carrying on their way.

“I swear, if I have to lose another set of pipes due to partially digested food and regurgitated stomach bile I’m going to lose my shit,” said Webster using Incognito Mode. “Ah, here we go. It says right here to carefully cut the bag part open between the tenor drones and chanter using an 18th century single-edged dagger purchased from a guy who sells wares in Termonfeckin, dump the vomit out at a 45-degree angle while reciting the works of James Joyce, and sew it back up using the hair follicle of an Irish hare. Whew, good thing I have all of these items at my disposal or else this really could’ve been a nightmare. I’m not even sure who’s puke this is, but if I had to venture a guess it’d be the mandolin player. He’s always hurling in our instruments. If it’s not his then it’s definitely mine.”

Bandmates seemed all too used to this sort of behavior.

“You should see this dude’s search history,” said Dropkick Murphys singer Ken Casey. “It’s all bagpipe-related, like ‘how to tune that one Irish instrument,’ ‘bagpipery for beginners,’ and ‘do bagpipes still work if you’ve inserted your penis in one of the pipe holes.’ I mean, this guy really wants to know the ins and outs of his instrument. True dedication to the craft. If only our drummer had the same enthusiasm. All of his Google searches are related to Guinness beer and the Boston Celtics. Sure, mine are too, but still.”

Experts were quick to note similar instances among bands.

“Musicians’ browser histories are often very comical,” said music critic Dana Bowsing. “Glenn Danzig’s history is just b-horror movie clips from the 1940s and dark web photos of Marilyn Monroe’s rotting corpse. Slipknot band members’ searches are exactly ‘If I wear a mask for too long does it start to fuse to my face.’ Not to mention, all of Gwar’s searches are just how to get fake blood stains out of various articles of clothing, living room furniture, and pet hair. Nothing but weird stuff.”

At press time, Webster began receiving targeted ads from bagpipe brands, Boston tourism, and puke bucket companies.

How I Finally Got the Courage To Build Myself up by Tearing Other People Down

Posted on by Doug Kolic

Experts say taking care of your mental health is one of the most important things you can do. That’s why this year I finally decided to put myself first and do whatever it takes to build my esteem up, which I’ve discovered is most quickly achieved by tearing others down.

Many self-help gurus say it’s vital to shift your mindset from what you “should” do to what you “must” do, which I interpreted as needing to tell my best friend Todd that his lifelong commitment to helping special needs kids is just a pathetic ploy for validation because he has a God complex. It’s amazing how quickly I felt better about myself after telling him that his life was a sham.

Secondly, I started to practice self-love. I achieved this by being proud of my values, which taught me to embrace my strength which I realized was being a dick to people around me in order to elevate my ego. Such as when I told my coworker Kathy that everyone knew she was crying in the breakroom last week, mainly because I secretly filmed it and showed them. That might seem like a lousy thing to do, but it makes sense after you realize I had to do something to deflect from the fact that I showed up a bit tipsy to work.

Another tool I employed was confronting my fears. I’ve always had bad anxiety, which has stopped me from being my authentic self. But now I just throw caution to the wind and venture into new situations with an open heart, knowing that I can turn fear into something positive. Like when I turned the trepidation of my wife leaving me after she discovered my secret family, into something good when I announced that I had cancer, something which guilted her into staying. The fact that it’s not true is inconsequential.

You might be taking this all in and thinking “My God, these are the hallmarks of an overly aggressive sociopath,” but hear me out — shut up nerd. Is it lonely up there on your pedestal?

In the end, every person needs to embark on their own spiritual journey to achieve contentment. Some may succeed with affirmations and therapy, but for those of us who don’t fall for horseshit like that, it’s much easier to achieve when you’re feeding your spirit flame to reach new heights of joy by extinguishing the spirits of anyone who doesn’t have the benefit of being you, like Todd, my idiot son.

Image of Shane MacGowan Appears in Pile of Guinness-Induced Vomit

Posted on by Chris Bowen

LOWELL, Mass. — Local boozehound Dennis McLaughlin was divinely inspired to continue to drink to the point of incoherence after witnessing an image of former Pogues singer Shane MacGowan in his pile of puke after drinking Guinness for 7 straight hours, sad pasty sources report.

“I felt like I had nothing left to live for or spew up by 2 p.m., that’s how lost I was feeling. But when I looked down at the dark black, fizzing pile of my last barf session and saw Shane’s half-way open, inebriated eyes looking back at me, I was back to annoying people with drunkenly singing ‘Dirty Old Town’ in their faces again in no time,” McLaughlin said. “From that point on, I could tell Shane was by my side keeping me safe, and surprisingly out of the drunk tank, for the rest of the night, and beyond.”

Stacy O’Bright, bartender and owner of “O’Bright’s Bar and Grill,” was bartending the night McLaughlin saw the holy image.

“That guy was a menace. He would periodically keep looking down at the pile of viscous liquid and pickled sausage chunks he barfed up, smile and wink at it, then try starting fist fights with the drunk college kids who were here to do Dropkick Murphys karoake,” O’Bright stated. “This is an Irish bar and grill, you think I want some guy dressed as a leprechaun getting hammered, stumbling all over and causing a scene? I can’t have mine be the laughing stock of all the Irish bars in the area, I have no time for that sort of drunken riff-raff.”

Legendary Boston Irish punk Dennis Sweeny claims Irish punks all over the world have been witnessing Shane MacGowan’s image in the short time since his passing.

“It seems as if wherever there is a drunken Irish punk, Shane is there with them,” Sweeny explained. “As a matter of fact, you don’t necessarily even need to be Irish for him to appear. I have a friend who is originally from Jordan who claims to have seen his face in the toilet bowl during a night of dangerous levels of drinking. He mysteriously started singing ‘A Pair of Brown Eyes,’ after later saying he’d never heard the song before, and continued to drink everyone under the table. It was a St. Patrick’s Day miracle!”

At press time, Irish rocker Bono would inspire those who saw his image in their piles of puke to quit drinking and find rehabilitation immediately.

Confederate LARPer Loser in Real Life Too

Posted on by Vincent J Ives

WILLIAMSBURG, Va. — Local Confederate LARPer Dale McKagney was known around town as a loser in his everyday life which coincided with his role-playing life, confirmed sources.

“The art of live action role playing requires one to have as few friends as possible in order to have the ample amount of time necessary to practice Civil War battle moves by yourself on a Saturday night,” said the 31-year-old McKagney. “Sure, I’ve never had a girlfriend and I’ve only heard about the concept of sexual intercourse through word of mouth, but that doesn’t mean I can’t adeptly wield my custom musket in a field with a dozen other Stonewall Jackson fans. And yeah, ultimately we lose, but that’s just a technicality. Also, these Confederate Flags I hang in my room are only to help get into character. Not to mention, Robert E. Lee wasn’t as bad as the mainstream media portrays him.”

On the other hand, LARPers of the Union appeared to be anything but losers in their real lives.

“I have a wife, three kids, a paid off home, a job that pays handsomely, and my health. I only do this LARPing thing as a hobby because I’m such a history biff. Some of those Confederate nerds take this way too seriously,” said live action role player Anthony Fleur. “These neck-bearded dweebs like to talk about preserving their culture. If only they invested that same energy in their own personal life. But I guess that’s why the Confederates lost in the first place. Too many deadbeats on their team and not enough Ulysses S. Grants on their side. These guys should try seceding from their parent’s basement once in a while.”

Civil War experts provided some context on these types of LARPers.

“Many losers like to glom onto the Confederacy as a coping mechanism,” said historian Peter Dwellor. “I guess losers just naturally relate to Jefferson Davis. When you’re so used to losing in your own life, you find a lot of comfort in unsuccessful historical figures. It’s like when MAGA people refused to accept that they were losers in the 2020 election. Plus, they are always head to toe in Trump and MAGA merch. Only a complete loser would dress like that.”

At press time, a nearby group of losers were LARPing as Nazi Germany during a World War II reenactment.

Help! Bon Iver Won’t Stop Writing Melancholy Songs About My Small Town’s Relationship Drama!

Posted on by Yancy Lee Crawford

I get that everyone else is super excited about Bon Iver’s new album of melancholy love songs, but, buddy, I cannot wait for that creep to get the hell out of Evansville, IN. He milked our town’s relationship drama for a record’s worth of material, and it was exhausting.

When my ex and I broke up in the park, Bon Iver was crouching behind a bush, plucking a guitar, and humming some shit about an astuary king passing through a vertebrae queen without the breeze of love. When he says it like that, the lyrics might as well be, “Jacob Snider is incapable of commitment and will dump you when he gets bored!” What the fuck, man? It was mutual!

And everyone that hangs out at the Peephole is sick of him, too! Bon Iver has been eating fried bologna sandwiches and taking notes in the corner like a fucking psychopath for the last six months. Which also means open mic nights suck now. A Grammy-winning musician wearing a fake mustache over his real mustache basically recites the oral history of our romantic trysts through a vocoder. It’s beautiful and upsetting.

Once, when he went to the bathroom, I looked in his notebook, and that man is unscrupulous. This sad king must be tapping our phones because he’s documented every flirty emoji, late-night DM, and dick pic in Vanderburgh County. I didn’t appreciate accidentally reading who my sister’s been sexting, but it’s nice to know it’s with a decent guy.

And he’s never brought Taylor Swift around—although Aaron Rodgers did come for one horrible weekend. Mr. Football bought a bunch of ditch weed and talked about vaccines with every uncle he saw. It was a boost to the economy, but at what price?

But as embarrassing as it is to have a Shakespearian ghost-lookin’ motherfucker sing about our failed relationships, Evansville should be flattered. Wisconsin could never inspire harrowing songs of emotional disquiet like us. We all knew Justin Vernon would one day be forced to mine Southwest Indiana for its signature ennui.

That said, please don’t come here trying to replicate his success. I hate to admit it, but our dysfunction pairs exceptionally well with Bon Iver’s unique combination of palpable sadness and bespoke instruments.

Battle Rapper Shocked to Learn Mom Slept With So Many of His Competitors

Posted on by Doug Kolic

ATLANTA — Local battle rapper Slim Todd Paulson was apparently surprised that so many of his opponents in a recent competition slept with his mother, according to nearby sources questioning his mental faculties.

“That revelation did throw me off my game a little bit,” admitted Paulson. “When the first guy mentioned her riding his ‘disco stick,’ I thought it must have been a case of mistaken identity because I don’t ever remember her showing interest in going to clubs or drinking Cristal off anyone’s abs like he claimed. But then after the fourth guy dropped a line indicating he also hooked up with her, I knew it had to be more than just a coincidence. She’s a grown woman so she can obviously do whatever she wants, but I feel like she should have at least given me a head’s up. Plus, now I gotta figure out a way to break the news to my dad.”

Competitor Killa Chainz questioned whether Paulson understood the format of the contest.

“This fool for real?” Chainz stated. “Does he not know that we just make shit up about each other as part of this whole thing? Like my dude, nobody here actually knows who your mom is let alone are they sleeping with her. Bless his heart. I don’t think he will last long as a battle rapper, but in the meantime I’m more than happy to continue collecting W’s off of him. Maybe the next time we face off, I’ll put him into a coma by dropping a line about his grandma.”

Professor of Music and Culture Dr. Albert Kenn explained that people trying new hobbies sometimes don’t understand all the nuances involved.

“Many times new participants in rap battles are unprepared for their ferociousness,” said Dr. Kenn. “Roast battles, poetry slams, and even best man speeches can easily give someone a complex if they take them literally. It’s important to understand that the insults that fly are not meant to be taken seriously, but for the uninitiated, they can take years of costly therapy to get over if you believe everything you hear, like a dumbass.”

At press time, Paulson withdrew from the competition and was seen rushing to his accountant’s office after numerous competitors said he was a “broke ass bitch.”