Five Songs We Listened To This Week While Loudly Complaining About Every Festival Lineup

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

Spring is in the air, which means festival season is upon us. It’s a glorious time to gather with friends, get violently dehydrated, and leave scathing comments on social media about how upset you are that your fest of choice doesn’t have every band from your ‘recently listened to’ section on the lineup. While we’re excited to see the Beach Boys at – checks notes – Riot Fest this year, here are some songs we listened to instead this week.

Lung ‘The Mattress’

Dayton, Ohio’s genre defying cello/drum duo, Lung, announced their new record ‘The Swandiver.’ Lead single ‘The Mattress’ is the musical equivalent of the panic attack you just had while reading a random infographic. If they ever make a movie about a sinking Titanic-style cruise liner that symbolically represents America in 2025, we recommend that they tap Lung to fill the role of the string-quartet that keeps playing as the ship cracks in half before meeting its demise.

Tropical Fuck Storm ‘Dunning Kruger’s Loser Cruiser’

Not so long ago, ‘Dunning Kruger’s Loser Cruiser’ was the oddly specific and insulting name your friends would call your ‘94 Corolla behind your back. Now it’s the latest single from Tropical Fuck Storm. What a turnaround. Not only is the track as loud as that car was, it will also invoke that borderline bad acid trip feeling you used to get from the exhaust fumes during long drives. At this rate, we expect the band’s forthcoming album to come with a warning that you shouldn’t operate any heavy machinery while listening.

Planning For Burial ‘You Think’

About halfway through Planning For Burial’s new single ‘You Think,’ ‘you’ might ‘think’ that your speakers have blown. It’s a fair assumption given the fact that nearly every device you own is in a broken and nearly unusable state, but this time it’s just the unforgiving guitar tone and production style of the one man band’s progenitor, Thom Wasluck. You might be saying to yourself, ‘Wait, that’s just one dude? How on earth is he making that much noise?’ We don’t want to spoil the magic by explaining drum machines and overdubbing, so just listen without investigating any further.

Cut Cult ‘Lame Horse’

Wake up, babe. Another Holy Fuck side project just dropped. Cut Cult – featuring current and former Holy Fuck members Brian Borcherdt, Loel Campbell, and Matt McQuaid – just dropped their debut single ‘Lame Horse.’ Notably, this comes on the heels of new music from Noble Rot, which features Holy Fuck’s Graham Walsh. Suffice to say, fans of the band have a lot to dig into this summer. As a bonus, if this pattern of side project formation holds, we are only three new bands away from the members of Holy Fuck accidentally recording a new Holy Fuck record under an entirely different name.

Dave Heatwave ‘Star City’

If you’re anything like us, you’ve always wondered what it would sound like if Orville Peck traded in his famed fringed mask for a Luchador mask and went to space. Turns out, it sounds like Dave Heatwave. His latest single, ‘Star City,’ is reminiscent of a celestial lounge act in which all of the stars in the sky have been replaced by ‘80s synths. As you float through the lush – yet somehow sparse – arrangement, you’ll start to wonder how much time has passed on Earth. Unfortunately, the track does end and shatters the illusion, thrusting you back into your normal time continuum where rent is still due next week.
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Want the chaos and confusion of your favorite festival from the comfort of your own home? Check our official playlist. It’s got every song we’ve listened to this year, and all of your favorites are set to play simultaneously on separate stages that are too far to walk to. Like, follow and listen below:

Conservative Wants Guarantee None of Girls’ High School Lacrosse Players He Creeps on Are Trans

Posted on by Tim Graham

ABILENE, Texas — Local school sports fan Steven Flick will no longer offer his support if there’s a chance he could accidentally ogle a trans girl, according to the vitriolic YouTube Short he recorded in his pickup truck.

“I faithfully attend every Abilene Armadillos game, home and away. I even go to their practices to root them on,” said Flick as he waved a giant foam finger from the empty bleachers. “I’m their biggest supporter. These girls are just amazing, running up and down the field on their tanned, muscular legs. But now there’s all this talk about trans girls competing in girls’ sports. That’s not cool. I’m out here to encourage the team and admire these young athletes at their peak physical condition. But if any of them turned out to not be biologically female, well that would be a total betrayal.”

Armadillos’ midfielder Alyssa Porter says she and her teammates are put off by Flick’s constant presence.

“At first, coach asked us to just ignore him because he donates so much money to the school during fundraisers,” said Porter. “But honestly, we don’t feel comfortable with him sitting there, staring at us with binoculars all the time. He definitely gives off a creepy vibe, especially when he wears a trenchcoat. Recently he posted on Facebook about how there should be locker room inspections to make sure we’re all AFAB. Coach said he’d crossed a line and promised to ban him from school grounds or beat the shit out of him. Or possibly both.”

Flick’s behavior is familiar to those who study abnormal psychology.

“What I believe we’re seeing played out is called ‘reaction formation,’” explained clinical psychologist Emma Chen. “It’s likely that Mr. Flick has conflicted feelings about trans women that make him extremely uncomfortable. Rather than admit to and confront these feelings, he makes a public spectacle about how abhorrent he finds the subject of his secret fascination. It’s a tale as old as time. We often see a similar dynamic in regard to homophobic pastors who are themselves gay, for example. I do acknowledge it’s unethical to publicly diagnose someone who isn’t even my patient, but on the other hand, fuck that guy.”

At press time, Flick was reportedly standing guard inside his local Olive Garden women’s restroom, purportedly in an effort to “protect women from creeps.”

Big Win! Guy Manages To Take Off Sweatshirt Without Exposing Nipples

Posted on by Kyle Donley

Are you a man over 30 with a little tummy and weird patches of overgrown body hair sprouting from your torso? Are you tired of showing these parts of your body off to the entire waiting room at Pep Boys because you thought you could just nonchalantly remove your sweatshirt? We’ve been led to believe that this is simply the way the world works. Your nipples will be readily available to all passersby. One man, however, dared to dream differently.

Blake Kidder is a man of simple means. The Duluth, MN native and elevator repairman took his sweatshirts off 2 nipples at a time just like the rest of us. As he puts it, “There was a time when sweatshirt issues were ruining my life. Whether it was a job interview or volunteering at St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital, sooner or later my shitty little tummy and hairy nips would be on full display again.”

Blake officially hit rock bottom in the Fall of 2024, when he got into a fist fight with his waiter at Bob Evans, who assumed he was coming onto him when he tried to remove his sweatshirt in the middle of ordering his meal. Facing misdemeanor assault, he was running out of options. He could tuck his t-shirt into his pants when he wears sweatshirts but then he’d look like a total fucking idiot. He could try dieting and exercise to mitigate the shame but that sounds like it would fucking suck! Of course, he could stop wearing sweatshirts altogether but as a 38 year-old man wearing sweatshirts is all that he had left.

Then, the unthinkable happened. March 21st, 2025. It was the day of Blake’s hearing and he was feeling a little warm. With nothing left to lose, he began to remove his best Volcom sweatshirt to a hushed courtroom. With a series of choreographed hand maneuvers and furtive shirt-tugs, Blake successfully removed his sweatshirt without baring his breasts and in under four minutes no less. The courtroom erupted in applause as the Bob Evans waiter was escorted out in handcuffs. Case dismissed.

Bob is currently serving an 18 month prison sentence for his assault, but let’s separate the art from the artist here. Bob, you’re a hero to self conscious men with nipples everywhere, and they can never take that from you!

Archaeologists Close to Uncovering Different Song by Jet

Posted on by Tim Sheard

MELBOURNE — Leading archaeology authorities excitedly reported they’re narrowing in on finally unearthing a song by Jet that isn’t “Are You Gonna Be My Girl,” skeptical sources confirmed.

“Despite decades of widespread belief that Jet only had that one song, my findings are inching closer and closer to disproving that theory. Everyone called me a quack and a madman for believing they had more songs, but I’ll show them. I’ll show them all!” said University of Melbourne archaeology professor Dr. Clement Q. Tarraway, with a psychotic gleam in the eye not covered by the eyepatch. “Soon my grand plan will come to fruition, and we’ll all be bopping our heads to a previously unheard-of neo-garage-rock-revival track that will have the entire world saying, ‘Yeah, it’s fine, I guess. Sure, whatever’ at last!”

The primary guy from Jet, whose name even top researchers couldn’t manage to drum up from their memory banks, was even dubious of Dr. Tarraway’s claims.

“Look, this is coming straight from the main guy from Jet’s mouth, ok? Even I don’t think we had any other songs than the ‘Be My Girl’ one. Not even any ideas for them, in fact,” said that guy from Jet. “Even the song we did have was just lifted from the riff from Iggy’s ‘Lust For Life’ which, come to think of it, was jacked from a Supremes bassline. How the hell did we manage to get on the charts in the first place? Anyway, I’ll go to my grave knowing we just had that one song, or my name isn’t, um…aw hell, what is my damn name? Hold on here.”

University President J. Hallickson Mandrill echoed the professor’s optimism, hoping that it could lead to big things for the school.

“Imagine the possibilities in the realm of one-hit-wonder expanded universes that could lead to. Why, if a band like Jet could have another song, there could be others just like it! We could be standing on soil that could be hiding another song by B*Witched, Wheatus, or even the legendary second Venga Boys single!” exclaimed an exuberant Mandrill, with a giggle. “Any one of those could get our fair alma mater funded for years to come. Are we playing god by treading into areas mankind wasn’t meant to? Perhaps. But that’s a risk we’re willing to take.”

At press time, Dr. Tarraway was dismayed to find out that what he was actually unearthing was just another in a long line of new dinosaur species before uttering, “back to the drawing board.”

Supreme Court to Release Opinions Early for Patreon Subscribers

Posted on by Max Barth

WASHINGTON — Justices of the Supreme Court announced that they will release their opinions early to select subscribers of a new Patreon account for die-hard fans, confirmed sources.

“SCOTUS+ subscribers at every level will receive exclusive access to our decisions as we overturn decades of jurisprudence. Plus, one actual Court decision each term will be crowdsourced directly from our highest tier supporters, members of the Harlan Crow Premium Plus Robing Room,” said Associate Justice Brett Kavanaugh while drinking Rumple Minze from a shoe in the parking lot of a 7-Eleven. “We know people hate all the undisclosed gifts from billionaires, the jet travel, fancy vacations…using court employees to sell our books. But two hundred and seventy-whatever thousand a year doesn’t go as far as it used to. Hence the Patreon.”

So far, subscribers seem to be happy with the service.

“I dig it. For five bucks a month I get this unreleased and rare stuff directly in my inbox,” said Zac Ward. “I’ve been a SCOTUShead since ‘93, when my dad gave me a tape of Justice Scalia’s confirmation hearings in mono. I can’t quite swing the $4 million to get into the Harlan Crow Premium Circle thing where you get the signed Nazi memorabilia and all that, but man, I’d love the chance to go on a safari with those guys. Especially Kavanaugh.”

Court watchers noted that the proposed Patreon could violate the first written Supreme Court Code of Conduct which was released in 2023.

“The problem with the ethics pledge is that it doesn’t specifically say that you can’t make a Patreon at the highest court, and even if it did, there’s no mechanism to enforce it. The 2023 code is more like a glorified Notes app apology after a few of them got caught being shady,” said Tatiana Hall, Professor of Ethics at Princeton University’s Bezos School of Communications. “SCOTUS+ is an entirely different model. It’s about promoting public confidence in the Court by transparently giving ‘We The People’ what we want: early access to an opinion which explains what Gouverneur Morris would think about Plan B.”

As of press time, Congressional leaders from both parties were outraged that they weren’t being cut into the action.

All Grown Up? A Boy Named Goo Goes By Goobert Now

Posted on by Jason VanSlycke

Bro, you know that guy I work with? The one who is always taking off his clothes and smearing his face with blackberry juice? It turns out he’s the baby on the cover of that Goo Goo Dolls album, A Boy Named Goo. He’s gonna be at this party tonight. Oh, and he goes by Goobert now. He thinks he’s all grown up!

I think he’s getting a promotion at the office. His productivity has been through the roof. HR keeps telling him to clean his face and put on a shirt, but he just doesn’t listen. The higher-ups can’t argue with Goobert’s track record. It’s like he’s made of blackberry-stained Teflon. So we have to make a good impression at this party. Goobert may be my boss soon.

If he gets a promotion, maybe he’ll get his own office. He sucks to share a cubicle with. Sometimes he’ll just blast that Goo Goo Dolls song “Name” in the office and point to the vinyl copy of A Boy Named Goo that sits on his desk. He did write on it with paint markers so it now reads “A Boy Named GooBERT.” I swear I saw a Johnny Rzeznik wig in a drawer once. But don’t forget, he doesn’t let people call him Goo anymore, only Goobert.

I was up for that promotion, too. But they told me I play it too safe, I follow the rules a little too much. I get what they see in Goobert; he’s a man who knows what he wants, which is taking off his shirt and staining his face with blackberry juice. It’s a good power move in meetings. But the carpet at work looks like a murder scene. When he moves out of the cubicle, I’m gonna look like a serial killer.

If we see him at this party Goodbert may tell you blackberry juice has nootropic properties and that he gets a rash if he wears a shirt but I think he’s just wants you to go, Oh, you’re the kid on the Goo Goo Dolls album, A Boy Named Goo,” and he’ll go, “It’s Goobert now.”

And he’s in the running to be my manager. If only I’d been the Bee Girl from the Blind Melon album, she’s moving up the corporate ladder. It’s too bad I’m just the cigarette-smoking angel baby from Van Halen’s 1984 album.

Right-Wing Rage Against the Machine Fan Wishes We Could Go Back to the America That Existed When He Was Too Stupid to Understand the Lyrics

Posted on by Reuben Blanchard

PROVIDENCE, R.I. — A life-long fan of the political rock group Rage Against the Machine expressed outrage that the band’s politics had changed from how he remembered them in high school, confirmed sources.

“It wasn’t like this when I was young, but now everyone is woke. People are claiming that a song like ‘Take the Power Back’ has some sort of political message. What message?! Is it recorded backward or something? Because I don’t hear it,” said fan Trent Linden, who claims the band needs to go back to their apolitical message they espoused when he was a teenager. “Or in ‘Killing in the Name,’ when they said ‘Fuck you I won’t do what you tell me,’ that was just about telling your mom you don’t want to clean your room. That’s why we all related to that song back then. Now everything has to be political. What’s next? Collaborating with someone like Michael Moore?”

Emily Sortënsussön, Trent’s former girlfriend of four months, said she thought he was joking when he first brought up the band’s stances.

“He’s a funny guy, so I thought he was just like, doing a bit,” said Sortënsussön. “But when I asked him what he actually thought ‘Bulls on Parade’ was about, he just stared at me for a minute and said, ‘I don’t know. Running of the bulls?’ He’s even considering burning all of his Rage Against the Machine CDs to protest. Seriously. I can’t believe I used to have sex with him.”

Francis Bennington, professor of political science at Brown University, says Linden’s confusion over the band’s overt lyrical content has become a trend with people who grew up listening to them but are now conspiratorial suburbanites.

“There’s a real uptick in people who struggle with the same misunderstanding of RATM as Trent. It seems to be based on a need for the comfort of nostalgia mixed with a definite effort to push the idea that the songs have apolitical or even right-wing meanings,” said Bennington. “There’s an entire Reddit page dedicated to the idea that ‘Down Rodeo’ is actually about going down south to a rodeo. A popular TikToker, @NoVax4ThisBlessedMama, put out a video saying ‘People of the Sun’ is about how people just need to give their children lots of sunlight to help cure measles and that sunscreen is the reason people get skin cancer.”

At press time, Linden was overhead in his office wondering if Bad Religion was going to go woke next.

Inconsiderate Grandmother Has Funeral on Same Day as Anthrax Concert

Posted on by Steve Packosky

ANAHEIM, Calif. — Recently deceased grandmother of six Dorothy Roddenbury selfishly had a funeral on the same day Anthrax was scheduled to play at City National Grove of Anaheim, disgruntled sources report.

“Ugh, this is just like her,” grandson Jason Roth complained. “I’ve been looking forward to this show for the past year, and now I have to miss it. The funeral ends at 8 tonight, so it’s entirely possible for me to still make the show, but my mom refused to drive me because it would be inappropriate. I’ve been dreading this happening ever since Nana Dorothy got sick a couple months ago, and it’s so selfish of her to not have held out for one more week so I could finally mosh to ‘Efilnikufesin.’ She was always going on about how much she loved her grandkids, but I see now that that was a bunch of bullshit.”

Anthrax guitarist Scott Ian reacted to his fan’s plight.

“Wow, that’s really messed up,” Ian said. “My grandmother never would’ve done something like that to me. She actually took herself off life support when I was 15 to make sure she died a month before a Rainbow show in New York City. It’s the job of grandparents to make sure their grandkids never miss the opportunity to thrash. If I were this kid, I’d skip the funeral and come out to our show instead. His parents will probably be pissed, but fuck it. We don’t come out to Anaheim all the time, so it’ll be worth getting grounded.”

The ghost of Roddenbury appeared contrite after having been summoned through a seance for her input.

“I really thought I could hold on for a little bit more,” Roddenbury confessed through a hired medium. “I know how excited my poor Jason was for his rock concert, and I feel awful that I ruined it. Preventing my grandson from seeing an evil heavy metal band is actually what got me into Heaven, but it’s really not worth it. I would’ve gladly endured the eternal flames of Hell if it meant I could’ve made my handsome little angel happy for one night. If you see him, can you tell him his Nana Dotty is sorry and will always love him?”

At press time, Roth was further aggravated when his father inconsiderately had an open-heart surgery scheduled on the same day as an upcoming Megadeth concert.

We Look Back on Kid Rock’s Performance at the 1999 VMAs Because It’s Been Added to Our Kids’ Music Curriculum

Posted on by Steve Packosky

We remember elementary school music class as a really informative and interactive experience where we learned the basics of sheet music and how different instruments worked. For some of us, it even initiated a love of music that ultimately culminated in writing for a punk news website. Fast forward 30 years or so, and it seems our nation’s approach to introductory music education has changed pretty drastically.

It was concerning, to say the least, when we found out the entirety of our kids’ music literacy class was comprised of a Kid Rock live performance, but we figured we might as well twist an article out of the report they have to do. Apparently the Missouri Department of Elementary and Secondary Education now considers a thorough knowledge of Kid Rock’s live collaboration with Run DMC and Aerosmith to show sufficient understanding of the concepts of rhythm, pitch and harmony. By no means are we Berklee graduates ourselves, but this really doesn’t seem right. Nonetheless, here’s our rundown of the performance.

So Kid Rock starts the performance with a little rap alongside Joe C., whom we had completely forgotten up until now, but RIP nonetheless. So Joe C. then introduces Run DMC, and we’re sorry, why are we doing this again? Oh right, we’re just piggybacking on our kids’ report so we can knock out an article. Yeah, we’re still not getting what’s so educational about this, but whatever.

So Run DMC comes out, which is cool. We’re not sure why they decided to do a performance with Kid Rock, but they probably made some decent money out of it. Still, we hope they wouldn’t have done this had they known how much of a pathetic MAGA chud he would turn out to be, but we digress. So, they rap for a little bit over Kid Rock’s backing band, which we get. It was 1999, after all, and that style was all the rage. Then Kid Rock comes back out on a literal red carpet and goes into the opening of “Bawitaba,” and Jesus Christ, how did the Missouri State Board of Education approve this?

We know it’s Trump’s second term and our country is hopelessly and irrevocably fucked, but this still seems like a stretch. Anyway, “Bawitaba” is just the stupidest fucking song we’ve ever heard, and we’ve given our kids carte blanche to write that in their reports if they so desire.

Ugh, here comes Aerosmith, as if this couldn’t get any dumber. So Joe Perry, Steven Tyler, and Steven Tyler’s mouth all walk to the stage and everyone sings “Walk This Way” as if the world needed to hear that again. At least it wasn’t that putrid Armageddon song we all got beaten over the head with in the late 90s, but we’re just grasping at straws for things to be thankful for at this point. Anyway, the performance then comes to a merciful close.

The worst part about this is that it isn’t even our top contention with our kids’ education right now. While we fully plan on voicing our displeasure at the next school board meeting, it’ll have to come after we contest our district’s social studies classes having been replaced with the “God’s Not Dead” movies. Wish us luck.

Report: Woman Shows Early Signs of Settling

Posted on by MJ Elliott

BALTIMORE — A new report issued by John Hopkins University revealed local woman Cassie Maloney is showing early signs of settling for a partner that does not even come close to meeting her expectations, confirmed horrified sources.

“All of our evidence points to Cassie living below her relationship means earlier than is typical,” said researcher Abby Gomes. “She’s been demonstrating unsettling signs too. For instance, she simply wants someone who will ask her how her day went, but she seems to have settled for a guy who would rather give a 45-minute rundown of the latest Joe Rogan podcast episode, even though he ‘only listens to him for the guests.’ It’s one thing if this is occurring 20 years into the relationship, but we have observed this happen on their third overall date. And yet she hasn’t ghosted him yet nor posted a six-minute exposé about the atrocious dates on TikTok. Troubling behavior.”

Maloney seemed to have no shame in settling.

“Sure, my wants, needs, expectations, sexual urges, and deepest desires aren’t being fulfilled, but it’s nice to have someone to talk to, even though he does most of the talking and it’s about his crypto investments,” said Gomes. “Hey, it could be worse. I could be in one of those loveless marriages for decades. At least Kevin and I have a few things in common, like we both enjoy watching ‘White Lotus.’ Well, I mean, I do while he stares at his phone the whole time and occasionally asks me what’s going on. It may not be perfect, but it’s conveniently adequate.”

Relationship experts didn’t think settling was so bad in the modern dating world.

“There are some unique benefits to settling, especially so early,” said psychologist Faye Dunning. “For example, you no longer have to go through a rigorous dating process. Just pick a partner and roll with that until it overstays its welcome five years longer than it should. Also, at one point you’ll have dual incomes which should be almost enough to afford rent and maybe even some groceries. And finally, if you value alone time, you’ll surely have a lot of that since even being around this person will make you feel completely alone in this world. Such a relief.”

At press time, Maloney revealed that she was breaking up with her partner, claiming that she can surely “settle for someone slightly better.”