Mark Wahlberg Claims Elon Musk’s Botched Penis Implant Wouldn’t Have Gone Down Like That If He Was Attending Surgeon

Posted on by Matt Husser

BOSTON — Mark Wahlberg sparked controversy after claiming that Elon Musk’s botched penis implant “wouldn’t have gone down like that” if he was the attending surgeon, sources confirmed.

“It’s a total tragedy how those surgeons fucked up Elon’s cock, I mean look at that worthless piece of shit—it looks like a scared little toad peeking out of a mudhole. Well it wouldn’t have gone down like that if I was performing the surgery, I can promise you that much,” said Wahlberg. “I would have taken control in that operating room and implanted a rod so big it’d make the Hancock Tower look like a Slim Jim, instead of that gross red dog dick thing he’s got going on now. Then Elon would be like ‘thanks so much for this massive hog, Mark’ and I’d be like ‘hey no problem guy, enjoy impregnating all those weird ladies with your huge cyberpenis.'”

Musk’s plastic surgeon responded to Wahlberg’s claims, alleging that the scope of the male enhancements the SpaceX founder asked for was “not medically possible.”

“I tried my best to make the augments that Mr. Musk requested, but what he was asking for was simply not realistic based on the state of his original member—you try surgically transforming wet hamburger in a baby sock into the Washington Monument,” said Dr. Kaminski. “Then he insisted on being awake during the procedure so he could micromanage the implant process, and when I told him that if we attached any more of the ‘cyber-enhancements’ he brought with him the penile structure would collapse on itself like a pubic blackhole. Then when it fell apart like all of his other ideas, he went on X and called me a pedophile.”

Following the botched surgery, Musk reportedly turned to fertility expert Dr. John Marley in his quest to impregnate a small army of female employees.

“At first I was honored that Mr. Musk chose me to support his quest to staff the federal government entirely with his offspring, but I didn’t realize how challenging the process would be—it was kind of like milking an earthworm but with much, much more sobbing,” said Dr. Marley. “And then he started bringing in a phrenology chart and calipers and demanded I discard any sperm absent of his ‘desired caucasoid features.’ I finally told him to find a different fertility doctor after he asked if it was possible to load a blowgun dart with his sperm to impregnate women from afar.”

At press time, Wahlberg claimed that JD Vance killing the Pope wouldn’t have gone down like that if he was at the Vatican.

Avoidant Attachment? This Woman Can’t End a Relationship So She Robs Them Instead

Posted on by Rachel Hein

A relationship has been confirmed as “officially over” when a woman robbed her former lover at gunpoint. This is a repeat offender who has pillaged the home of every man she’s dated upon being questioned about “defining the relationship.” She is a risk to her community and specifically to any man who thinks he can be the one to tie her down, as she may steal his heart but she will also steal all his belongings.

“I don’t know, man, I thought things were good. She’s hot. We liked all the same things, like food and TV, and stuff. She listens to my music and doesn’t make me listen to hers. I was like damn I need to make this girl wifey.” Jay Keeting told reporters. “So I asked, ‘What are we?’ She muttered something about all the stuff I owned, and did I really need to own her too? Next thing I know, there’s a gun in my face and she’s telling me to get on the ground. She took so much shit, man! My Theragun, my Samsung frame, my turntable.”

Philippa Peete was quick to confirm the incident. “No, it’s so bad I know. But listen, this doesn’t happen when I date women, only men. As soon as they get all weird and commitment-y, I panic, and the adrenaline gives me the urge to rob them.” When asked if anything else had provoked this, she added, “I mean, no. I guess it’s just easier to rob them. And the more time I spend with a man, the less I like him, and the more I like his stuff. It’s science or something, I swear.”

Upon further investigation, Philippa’s ex-boyfriend, Carl Ludwig, evidently took precautions against her burglary habit, “She’s fucking crazy, dude. And like, all my exes are crazy, but she’s extra crazy. We broke up and got back together so many times, I had to start padlocking my cabinets and drawers. But then she got a bolt cutter and that was the end!” He did, however, assure us that she does not carry a gun. “It’s not a gun. It’s a power drill that kind of looks like a gun, so she can unmount stuff on your walls.”

At press time, Philippa is dating a woman and enjoying what she refers to as the “fruits of her labor” in trying to date men.

Guy Tasked With Censoring British Rap Song in Way Over His Fucking Head

Posted on by Steve Packosky

WASHINGTON — Federal Communications Commission (FCC) employee Joshua Boyd found himself in way over his fucking head after being tasked with censoring a single by popular British rapper Dodgy Chaz, sources report.

“I’ve gotta be honest, I have no fucking clue what I’m doing here,” Boyd said helplessly as he combed through the lyrics to the song “Hasslin’ Grassers.” “Not only do I have to find the swear words, but I also have to discern their severity to see if they need to be blocked out. I mean, ‘plonker’? ‘Chav’? Are these bad, and if so, how bad? We can say ‘hell’ and ‘damn’ here, but we can’t say ‘shit’ or ‘fuck,’ so how do these British words compare to those? My boss needs me to have this done by tomorrow, so I’m at a total loss as to what I’m going to do.”

Chaz wasn’t sure what the challenge was in deciphering his lyrics.

“Oy, so that bloke’s not bloody well chuffed at me tunes, right?” Chaz apparently questioned. “Is he taking the piss, or just an eejit? I’m known to be a bit of a lairy gobby, but the lad’s havin’ a strop. He must be a proper saddo, or a total prat. Under the cosh from his gaffer, is he? Well, I can’t muck in. I was on the lash with me blud last night, and I’m dead knackered. Gonna go for a slash then run to uncle ned for a smidge.”

Fan Tory Rodriguez commiserated with Boyd.

“I’ve been a huge fan of British rap for a while, but I never have any clue what they’re saying,” Rodriguez admitted. “I started listening to stuff like Roots Manuva and Kano in high school, and now I’m really into Cult of the Damned and Lee Scott. I listen to stuff like that all the time, and it always goes over my head. They could be rapping about what they had for breakfast, or they could be saying problematic stuff and I wouldn’t be able to tell. I know this isn’t the most socially conscious move, but I just ignorantly enjoy the music and hope that they’re not railing against women or immigrants. I guess I understand what leftist fans of black metal go through, now that I think of it.”

At press time, Boyd just decided to censor every third word of the song and hope for the best.

Trump Justifies PBS Funding Slash With Claims That Sesame Street Is Sponsored by the Letters M, S, and the Number 13

Posted on by Zack Zagranis

Washington — President Trump took to Truth Social to defend his recent executive order to cut federal funding for PBS with a diatribe against the channel’s flagship children’s program, Sesame Street, citing a recent episode’s connection to the notorious gang, MS-13.

“Sesame Street or MS-ame Street as I call it, this show is bigly tied into the nasty, horrible, terrorist gang known as MS-13. It’s been brought to you by the letters M, S, and the number 13, they admit that! They’re proud of it! You got radical Marxists like Elmo (notice he’s colored red) making gang signs with his hands while showing a Spanish child, probably not even in this country legally, by the way, how to count. Who needs to count? Drug dealers, that’s who. Then we got a giant bird, huge bird, teaching a group of DEI kids about pronouns! PBS has been brainwashing our children for years, some say many years, with radical left shows. There was that famous communist Mr. Rogers, he wanted everyone to share, remember that? Then there’s Clifford the Big Red Dog, have you ever seen a red dog in your life? Maybe in China they have them, I don’t know.”

As of press time, United States Secretary of Health and Human Services RFK Jr. was scheduled to give a press briefing on the link between Cookie Monster and the childhood obesity epidemic.

Report: Band Too Ugly To Be in Own Music Video

Posted on by Neel Bhakta

DENVER — A recent report from social psychologists at the University of Denver revealed that members of the local ska band Bug Wife are regrettably too ugly to appear in their own music videos.

“We’ve got a combined academic career spanning over 60 years, specifically researching interpersonal attraction in niche local music scenes and I feel like we’ve finally made a massive breakthrough,” said tenured professor Victoria Skaggs. “I mean, these guys are talented and confident, which is usually enough for listeners to get over the whole acne ridden pug-like faces thing, but nope! Not the case here. Sure, it’s probably heartbreaking for the band and all but I think from an ethics standpoint, the general public should be spared from looking at these freaks. It’s just the most humane thing to do.”

Meanwhile, members of Bug Wife are struggling to come to terms with their negative public image.

“This sucks. As a band, all we wanted to do was rent out a sick ‘66 Thunderbird, engage in quirky yet relatable scenarios across town, and end up laying down on the beach at dusk. But, I guess we’re too hideous for that,” said rhythm guitarist and notable uggo Robert Thines through the brown paper bag over his head. “Sure, we’re not the second coming of Beatlemania or whatever, but we don’t care about that. Our audience doesn’t judge our music based off our album covers, which just, by pure coincidence, don’t feature any of our faces.”

Alonso Jiménez, the music video director who was slated to direct Bug Wife’s latest video, also came out against the band.

“Look, I’m not going to sugarcoat it. These monsters are grotesque. There’s no amount of lighting, makeup, costuming, editing, manipulation, or gaslighting that we can do to make these rubber halloween masks come-to-life look fuckable,” said an exhausted Jiménez rocking back and forth. “We need to hire actors, or honestly, anyone besides these guys. One of them even suggested a lyric video with handwritten words on the screen, which I thought could work. But no, somehow I could still feel their nauseatingly deformed faces behind the words.”

At press time, Bug Wife’s manager posted a casting call for “solid 5s or 6s” to stand in for the band when performing live on their upcoming tour.

Opinion: Society Really Started Going Downhill Once They Stopped Making Rich People Villains in Kids Movies

Posted on by Zachary Wolf

There’s no denying that the world is going to hell in a handbasket, and everyone has their opinion on why that is. Well, I’m here to tell you the real reason: they stopped making rich people the bad guys in kids’ movies.

Remember in movies like Newsies when the kids were trying to unionize and to get their fair share of the child labor economy? That movie would never get made today, as A) unionizing would never be shown in a positive light, and B) rich capitalist media moguls would never greenlight a movie about rich capitalist media moguls screwing over everyone.

Then there was the Little Rascals. Adorable scamp Alfalfa was trying to woo Darla, whose attention turned to Waldo, a preppy new rich kid who came from big oil money. Granted, Alfalfa’s membership in the He-Man Woman Haters Club probably didn’t help things.

But even so, if that movie were made today, it would be about “poor” kids whose parents only made $100,000 per year, and the bad guy would be a vulnerable immigrant kid or something.

Nowadays rich people are never the bad guys in kids movies. Because in movies, as in real life, the only metric of success people comprehend is wealth. So by default, if you’re not wealthy, you’re a failure in life and unworthy of love and happiness.

As a matter of fact, you don’t see poor — or even middle-class people — in movies anymore. Unless it’s weird poverty porn like Shameless or Hillbilly Elegy. While those aren’t kids’ movies, or even movies at all, you still get the idea.

Some people would point to Richie Rich as being an example of rich people being the good guys in a kids’ movie. On the surface, they’d be right. However, a closer look reveals that Richie Rich wanted to share his privilege with his working class friends, including that girl whose mom looked like Rosie O’Donnell.

Plus his parents’ vault contained treasured keepsakes from Richie’s childhood and not jewels, diamonds, and other spoils of rampant capitalist domination. This facet of the movie is highly unrealistic, as it proved that Mr. and Mrs. Rich actually had a heart, unlike real rich people.

So if we’re going to get the world back on track, the only way to do it is to start teaching kids that rich people are inherently evil and should be ridiculed and humiliated at every opportunity.

Hardcore Drummer Kindly Asks Singer to Put Shirt Back on Since Being Shirtless Was Sort of His Thing First

Posted on by Char Byram

BALTIMORE — Corey Cruz, drummer of hardcore band Maximum Output, reportedly told lead singer Devin Altman to please put his shirt back on during a show, as being shirtless was kind of specifically his department to begin with.

“I’ve always been the shirtless one,” said Cruz, as Altman was seen sulkily pulling his own tee back over his head. “It’s kind of my whole deal. I get sweaty back here pummeling away at the drums, so I need to let my skin breathe, you know? I was born to be shirtless, and it’s become part of who I am as a drummer and performer. It’s important that I have this bit to express my individuality in the band. I just gotta be myself, and also not let Devin do it. Next he’s going to have a giant box fan blowing on him the entire time and it will totally steal my thunder.”

Altman attempted to explain what prompted this sudden behavior of wanting to strip down while singing.

“I get hot up there in the front under all the bright lights. Corey just sits there on his comfortable little drum chair while I’m getting my steps in and putting on the show of a lifetime,” Altman said, pouting. “How come I can’t pop off my clothes every once in a while, too? Just because Corey has a leaner, more toned physique and isn’t highly visible to the crowd doesn’t mean I don’t also want to show some skin every now and then. This is like, discriminatory, man.”

Audience member Terry Balzac thinks the band members should find a compromise.

“They can both be shirtless. Hell, I think I should be shirtless as well. I’d want the freedom to pull off this sweaty garment and be unburdened by norms and expectations,” Balzac rambled, unprompted. “In fact, I think it’s ridiculous that society doesn’t allow us all to throw off these shackles we call clothes and be completely free, allowing ourselves to bare all. I’m gonna do it! I’m taking my fucking shirt off!”

At press time, Altman was seen putting on a leather vest in place of a shirt and leaving it open while Cruz shook his head doubtfully.

World’s Dipshit Concertgoers Announce Plans to Scream “Crazy Train” at Upcoming Black Sabbath Reunion Show

Posted on by Steve Packosky

BIRMINGHAM, England — A large number of the attendees of Black Sabbath’s upcoming reunion show at Villa Park announced their plans to yell “Crazy Train” during the band’s set, annoyed sources report.

“I can’t wait to get shitfaced and scream my request for my favorite Black Sabbath song. I’m going to throw in a ‘Free Bird’ too for good measure,” dipshit Jonathan Wright said. “I’m a really big fan of that show ‘The Osbournes’ that was on MTV, so I figured I would go see the band that Ozzy was in if this is the last time they’re playing together. I don’t really know anything about them except for that one song, but I bet they’re going to be great. I hope Sharon gets on stage to scold Ozzy while they play. That would be hilarious!”

Actual Black Sabbath fan Francesca Anguiano looked forward to the concert with mixed feelings of excitement and dread.

“Sabbath is my favorite band, so obviously I can’t wait,” Anguiano mentioned. “It’s just that other people at their concerts are always so fucking obnoxious. I know I’m going to be surrounded by drunk idiots screaming requests for songs that aren’t even by them or starting ‘Ozzy’ chants even though he’s the least talented person who was ever in that band. I know they’re obviously not going to play any deep cuts from the Dio or Tony Martin years, so I just want to hear ‘Snowblind’ or, if I’m really lucky, ‘Megalomania’ without a bunch of posers ruining it for the true fans.”

Music expert Ji-ho Kim provided some insight into the phenomenon.

“Casual concertgoers have a long history of annoying the shit out of actual fans,” Kim provided. “Whether it’s Miller Lite-swigging Gen Xers losing their goddamn minds when Metallica predictably plays ‘Enter Sandman’ or bros needlessly starting fights with people for bumping into them near the moshpit at Dying Fetus shows, there’s always a contingent of clueless people who tend to keep others from being able to enjoy themselves. My advice for those who actually appreciate the music is to just make the best of it and hope that the dipshits all pass out in the parking lot before the band goes on. I’ve seen it happen before, so it’s not as unlikely as you’d think.”

At press time, the same dipshit concertgoers announced plans to scream “Welcome Home” at all upcoming Mercyful Fate shows.

The Hard Times Looks Back on Everything They Did to Mussolini’s Body for No Particular Reason

Posted on by Tim Sheard

Here at The Hard Times, a lot of us fancy ourselves to be sort of armchair history buffs. As we’re fond of saying around the office, “There’s nothing illegal about being an armchair history buff.” We’re always just saying that around here.

Say, how about today we take a little break from the norm and just do a little good ol’ fashioned history buffing. Let’s see, what should we focus on today, lots of options, literally everything that has ever happened, top of my head… how about the death of fascist dictator Benito Mussolini and the subsequent brutal desecration of his corpse by the Italian people? Seems as good a topic as any, let’s dive in! Again, for no particular reason.

For those of you who didn’t grow up before The History Channel was all Ancient Aliens, Benito Mussolini is considered to be the founder of fascism, and largely responsible for its spread throughout the world during the interwar period. He was the Prime Minister of Italy who, through the installation of loyalists in key positions, radical secret policing, and wild interpretation/manipulation of the law, became the country’s dictator. Sound familiar? Well, we don’t know why, we’re just talking history here, people! Anyway, let’s skip ahead to the good stuff:

Somebody fucking kills him

Towards the end of World War II, as Allied troops advanced on Northern Italy, Mussolini’s bitch-ass tried fleeing to Spain but got his ass unalived along the way. Initially, it was believed that communist partisan Walter Audisio executed him, but this has been refuted over the years, and to this day, there are more theories on exactly who took Duce out than there are about the Kennedy assassination.

I guess the takeaway is, when you’re an authoritarian strongman leader more concerned with staying in power than the welfare of your countrymen, a lot of people want you dead, man. A lot of fucking people just want you fucking dead.

The body of Mussolini is placed in a town square

In order to understand the decision to just dump Mussolini’s corpse in the Piazzale Loreto and its significance, we first have to understand the symbolism of that body.

Mussolini’s physical body was central to much of Italy’s fascist propaganda. A lot of it featured photos and illustrations of him shirtless, engaged in challenging labor. They didn’t have NFTs back then, but if they did, he probably would have released one depicting himself as a buff superhero; the dude was that vain and petty.

Anyway, given the significance of Mussolini’s body as a symbol of authoritarianism, it seemed only fitting that the Italian people had a chance to spend some face time with it.

The body is insulted and ridiculed by the masses

The crowd began hurling insults and blasphemies at the corpse almost immediately. Can you blame them? They had just been living under an authoritarian dictator during wartime, this was the closest they got to speaking truth to power in a long time!

The body is abused physically

Sometimes, speaking truth to power isn’t enough, so you start punching truth to power. The crowd went absolutely savage on Mussolini’s corpse — slapping, punching, kicking — one dude even shot it a few more times just for the fuck of it.

They cut his fucking dick off and stuffed it into his own dumb fascist mouth

This particular desecration was perhaps… overzealous, but we get it. One second you’re living under the rule of a fascist blowhard and the next he’s just this dead stupid punching bag right in front of you and after beating the shit out of him for a few hours and still finding yourself angry you start to think “Well, what the hell else can we do with this thing?” It’s fortunate for the Italian people that McDonald’s didn’t exist back then, because if it did, Mussolini’s member would be too sad and shriveled by fish fillet (but he probably would have called it something stupid like “Fish Delight”) consumption to make a satisfying tableau. If this were to happen to a modern dictator, the crowd would probably just go for butt stuff.

The body is hung upside down, with the dick still in the mouth

Ordinarily, in Italy, hanging a body upside down, with or without it’s severed dick in it’s mouth like a macabre cigar, is the ultimate sign of disrespect. In Mussolini’s case, however, it was honest-to-god done just to get what remained of his remains the fuck away from that angry crowd so there would be something left to bury! That is one hell of a retreat — having your corpse subjected to your culture’s ultimate form of humiliation just to keep what’s left of you SAFE.

We hope you enjoyed this little stroll down history lane, and to any modern leader with aims to follow in Mussolini’s footsteps, we at The Hard Times implor you to turn your history book to page fuck around and find out.

Goth Squatters Mistaken for Victorian Ghosts

Posted on by Laura Lewis

RICHMOND, Va. — A small group of goths squatting at a local residence were mistaken for Victorian ghosts, confirmed police sources.

“It was kind of an ideal situation,” alleged squatter Edgar “Obsidian” Wright reported. “We could never afford the rents in the area, and this house was pure goth aesthetic: built in 1880 with cathedral windows and ceilings, plenty of local wildlife to support our burgeoning taxidermy business, and free antiques. All we had to do was climb the trellis out back to get in through the attic window and periodically make droning ghoul sounds, which we do anyway. And bonus that we were able to live out our lifelong dreams of haunting a family of four.”

Homeowner Greg Frankel said the only signs of life he encountered in over four years were some half-eaten Morningstar Farms patties and a bat-sized cardboard coffin.

“Honestly, every piece of evidence we encountered pointed to specters,” said Frankel. “Often there were eerie moanings coming from the attic, which we later learned was the music of Joy Division, as well as the sounds of doors opening and closing seemingly on their own. Even on the rare occasions we caught sight of them, they always appeared and disappeared silently, transparently pale and dressed in authentic Victorian clothing. We thought, hey, this house is old. Maybe the family who lived here had some unfinished business on earth, you know? I never would have imagined that that business was posing dead mice in tea party tableaus in my attic. Not to mention the smell of formaldehyde only supported our ghost theory further.”

Experts noted that these types of incidents occur fairly frequently.

“Goth squatting is more common than you might think,” stated Victorian Literature Professor Renee Goulding. “Unlike regular squatting, which is done out of necessity, goth squatting is done primarily out of a flair for the dramatic—not to mention the increased likelihood of getting away with it. Think about it: almost every major work of gothic literature features some sort of recluse hidden away in a forbidden corridor. Who, then, of modern goths could resist the allure of ‘doing a Rochester’ or ‘Havishaming out’ to use their colloquial phrases for the act? It’s altogether too appealing.”

At press time, the actual Victorian ghosts that had been living in the attic for decades were reportedly scared off by the presence of the goths.