Trump Administration to Cut Much Needed Mental Health Funds for Clown Posses

Posted on by Charles Bill

WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump announced plans to cut much needed mental health funds for America’s clown posses, confirmed dope-ass sources.

“They’ve been stealing our money and spending it on Faygo,” said the President. “People are always saying to me, ‘Donald, why does my tax money go to these clowns’ and I know exactly what they mean. This Dark Carnival is very bad, lot of criminals there. And they gather all the time, have you heard of this? They’re laughing at us. Violent J is a personal friend of mine, smart guy. His fans might be insane, but they’d be more insane to think they’re going to squeeze more money out of the American people.”

Although Trump’s language indicated that the funds were being misused, most recipients of them spent the money on appropriate mental health programs.

“I was going to a therapist three times a week, and I almost got to the point of taking off my face paint,” said Tom Shifflet, a Juggalo in the early steps of recovery. “I just want to be normal and mentally sound again, but instead I spend my days listening to ‘Miracles’ and acting like it’s profound. I realize that no sane person would think that Shaggy 2 Dope is a cool name, but I do, and I’m tired of it. Mr. Trump, if you can hear me, please do not cut this program, I just want to listen to Neil Young again.”

The money allotted to mental health for clown posses is not only used to fix current Juggalos, but to prevent further people from falling into Juggalohood.

“If these cuts go through, we will see thousands more start buying face paint,” explained psychiatrist and Juggalo expert Dr. Erica von Neumann. “The Dark Carnival is an alluring concept, and it will pull in more Americans than ever. I’ve had multiple patients who I’ve been able to talk out of attending the Gathering of the Juggalos and have now moved on to living relatively normal and fulfilling lives. Without this money, I’m afraid that they will be permanently lost.”

At press time, Trump reversed course on the cuts after a “very productive meeting” with Violent J.

Cousin Wearing MAGA Hat and Fake ICE Jacket Doesn’t Want to Talk About Politics At Memorial Day BBQ

Posted on by Reuben Blanchard

WINDSOR, Conn — Local terrible cousin Terry Reynolds made everyone uncomfortable at his family’s annual Memorial Day BBQ by loudly declaring that “Woke is dead!” And there were to be no political discussions at the event, all while proudly wearing a MAGA hat and replica ICE agent jacket, sources trying to avoid talking with the man confirmed.

“Literally nobody ever brings up politics except Terry,” said cool uncle Mike Reynolds, who has been in charge of burgers and dogs at the BBQ since 1993. “My niece Sharon and I were having a nice conversation about the little store that she runs, and then Terry just walked up, yelled ‘Illegals get the fuck out! America is so back!’ and posted up for a high five. Then he asked what YouTube videos we watch to get our news, I intentionally burned my hand with my spatula just to get away from him. But a few minutes later he overheard Sharon mention that her shop was being hit hard with the tariffs, and Terry just lost it.

Everyone’s least favorite family member treated the entire event like a victory lap.

“We won, and the snowflakes I share my DNA with can’t stop crying. It’s alright though, these burgers could use some more seasoning and I can use their liberal tears,” laughed the cousin who is currently driving on a suspended driver’s license for multiple DUIs. “Support the troops support our president, and fucking stand for that flag song. I don’t want to hear anyone going on about that woke nonsense. That’s politics. Telling me Beyonce is country now. Telling me I can’t sing all the Wu-Tang lyrics because ‘that’s not my word.’ And all the gay stuff. And for the record, I’m not using ‘gay’ in a derogatory sense. I mean literally talking about anything gay is politics.”

Maggie Filson, a family therapist and professor of psychology at UConn, explained why terrible family members are still typically invited to events.

“People are bored, and existence is pretty awful right now. Although it might seem like a bad idea to invite your family member who stormed the Capitol on January 6th, but something kind of magical happens when a Terry, or in my case, Aunt Ruth, shows up to an event,” said Filson. “Yes, they almost always ruin the vibe, but they also give the other attendees something that is deeply needed, especially amidst the ennui of the Anthropocene: a common enemy. Everyone hates the Terrys of the world, and nothing brings people together more than hate. It’s actually quite beautiful.”

At press time, members of the Reynolds family were able to briefly get rid of cousin Terry by setting him loose in the woods to find the Antifa base camp that was rumored to be out there.

Help! I Read the Comments Section, and Now I’m Researching Charlemagne’s Military Tactics on Wikipedia So I Can Win an Argument With a Complete Stranger About Red 40

Posted on by Robert John Scucci

They say that “no good deed goes unpunished,” but I have another platitude to add to the mix: “no read comment goes unargued.”

It all started when I embarked on my usual three-hour pre-bed doom-scrolling ritual, flipping between TikTok, Reels, and YouTube shorts in a near-catatonic state. Little did I know I’d find myself dick deep in 10 open browser tabs while giving myself a crash course on Charlemagne, the ruler of the Carolingian Empire, and the military tactics that earned him his title as the forerunner to the line of Holy Roman Emperors because I got into a blistering debate with some dude about whether Red 40 is a big deal after watching one of my many chug channels try to take down a three liter of Code Red.

While I still maintain that Red 40 is generally harmless to the average consumer in moderate doses, it turns out that having this point of view is the catalyst for a geopolitical lecture from a private account with an anime avatar. Pointing out that I personally avoid the allegedly problematic dye because it’s one of many migraine triggers for me (so is organic cantaloupe, go figure), I suggested that I only represent a small microcosm of the population who should avoid any product that has it listed in its ingredients statement.

Just like Charlemagne and his conflict with the Eastern Roman Empire, I was ready to go to war until I couldn’t keep my eyes open anymore.

Three hours later, I found myself diagramming battle tours on a napkin and uploading them to IMGUR to prove to a user named “JUNGLEOFBUTTS” that he doesn’t understand how supply chains work for some reason.

I don’t know how it got to this point, but just like reforming the fallen Western Roman Empire, I knew I had to put the work in to be the victor of this hearty yet totally unnecessary debate.

All I said was that if Red 40 is FDA approved, it can’t be that bad for you. In fact, there are several food dyes banned in the US that are still used in the EU, to which he suggested that it would never have passed Charlemagne’s food purity laws to ensure a strong and virile army at the tail end of the eighth century.

But JUNGLEOFBUTTS couldn’t have been more mistaken because Charlemagne was more concerned with defending the papacy, removing the Lombards from power in Northern Italy, introducing Christianity to the Saxons, and establishing the Carolingian Renaissance than anything else.

The guy didn’t even care about transparency in food labeling as far as I could surmise, and why would he?

Tired and deflated, I did what any sane person would do at this point, and accused JUNGLEOFBUTTS of coping hard before blocking him and going to bed.

Pete Hegseth Wishes Happy Memorial Day to Covert Marine Operatives Stationed at 15.5527° N, 48.5164° E

Posted on by Matt Husser

WASHINGTON — Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth delivered a special Memorial Day message to a covert unit of Marine operatives stationed at classified coordinates in Yemen, sources confirmed.

“Morale has been a little low around here lately, so I thought I’d give a special shout out to some of our brave soldiers fighting behind enemy lines, like our Marines currently positioned at 15.5527° N, 48.5164° E,” said Hegseth, cans rattling underfoot as he swayed at the podium. “So if you happen to run into them, make sure to thank them for their service—oh, I almost forgot, the parole word is ‘Grisham’ so they know you’re friendly. Say you know what’d be fun? Sharing some fun facts about these fine warfighters, so here’s a list of their mothers’ maiden names, the street they grew up on, and the names of their childhood pets.”

Special Operations Officer Rick Grant has reportedly been trying to reestablish contact with the Marines for the past several hours.

“We lost contact with the Marine Raider unit shortly after Secretary Hegseth’s statement, but I’m sure they’re fine—once I figure out which ‘Fox and Friends’ host is next in the chain of command I’ll fly it up the flagpole and get this all sorted out,” said Grant. “There’s always change to operations with a new Secretary of Defense, and sometimes that means you lose a couple Marines, or you have to dump an F/A-18 Super Hornet off the USS Harry S. Truman to make room for folding tables for the beer pong tournament.”

President Trump was reportedly displeased that he hadn’t heard from the unit on Memorial Day.

“Have you heard about these Marine Army guys in Yemen, folks? Just up and disappeared without having the decency to call their Commander in Chief and wish him a Happy Memorial Day, can you believe that? Very rude and poor behavior that was tolerated by spineless Joe Biden, but no more!” ranted Trump during the Memorial Day service at the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier. “Even Abdul-Malik al-Houthi called me today, we had a very nice chat. I said Hootie—that’s what I call him, you know he’s a very handsome man—I said Hootie you can keep those ingrates and lock them up for all I care, then maybe then they’ll learn to respect their President.”

President Trump reportedly concluded his speech at the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier by producing a golden shovel and asking if anyone wanted to see a dead body.

DEA Officials Confirm Elon Musk’s Ketamine Habit the Single Most Effective Way to Make Drugs Look Uncool

Posted on by Adam Frost-Venrick

SPRINGFIELD, Va. — Local Drug Enforcement Administration (DEA) representative Luther Sacristan Diaz confirmed that Elon Musk’s rampant ketamine habit is still the single most effective way to make drugs look uncool to America’s youth, confirmed sources.

“We all know that drugs have won the war on drugs,” said Diaz, who looked as if he hadn’t slept in days. “The problem is, drugs are cool. And when kids see people on drugs, it makes them want to try it themselves so they can, you know, write existential horror novels or jam out on the electric saxophone for hours and hours. Luckily, Elon Musk and his rampant ketamine habit is like a reverse Joe Camel and a perfect deterrent for kids. I mean, no one who sees that man glitching in real-time and giving extremely awkward answers during interviews would ever want to start taking anything.”

Local DARE Officer Paul Carpenter-Pryce was more than happy to finally see a public figure look like a complete dork on drugs.

“Elon has inspired more kids to go straight edge than Ian MacKaye himself,” said Carpenter-Pryce. “Presumably, no one’s ever enjoyed his company enough to not be on drugs themselves. But what he does have is a very serious, potentially deadly ketamine problem, which may eventually destroy his heart and brain. Bad for him, but you know, great for us. We used to tell kids their parents were gonna take them downtown and sell them for crack, but now we just pull up a video of sunglasses-wearing Elon leaping in the air with all of his appendages spread as far out as possible. They get the message.”

Still, not everyone seems to be in on the joke, not even Musk himself.

“Ketamine is cool,” said Musk. “Special K is something I do as a meme, just like the Nazi salute thing. They call me king of K! Everyone knows that. Ketamine brain plus versus woke mind virus equals LOL. Major ownage. Tesla investors should want me to do more of it. So should Americans. It gives me galaxy brained visions that you noobs couldn’t even begin to comprehend. In fact, I came up with the entire design of the Cybertruck all by myself during a K bender. You’re welcome.”

At press time, the DEA encouraged Musk to try heroin in an effort to make that look uncool too.

Opinion: I Never Would’ve Booked This Room on Airbnb Had I Known It Was the One From the “Virtual Insanity” Music Video

Posted on by Steve Packosky

OK, let me make myself exceedingly clear on one thing: I always do the necessary amount of research before I buy anything, be it a blender or a used car. This weekend trip to Tennessee with my wife and two kids was absolutely no exception, so the blame for our little ordeal falls squarely on the shoulders of Airbnb and user jmrquai96. There is absolutely no chance I would have booked this room had I known it was the one from the “Virtual Insanity” music video. No chance.

I should have known something was awry when we first stepped into the foyer and saw a collection of four mushroom-shaped, faux-fur hats accompanied by the sign “Hats must be worn AT ALL TIMES.” Thinking it was a fun little addition to our trip, we donned the bizarre pieces of headware and proceeded to our room. In retrospect, I see this as a needlessly sinister rule that, again, should have been included in the room’s listing. Can they even do that?

Transparency should be of utmost importance in any listing, so my daughter slipping and getting a concussion should NOT have been my first indicator that the floor of our room was constantly moving. At any rate, by the time we got back from the hospital, it took us four hours to get ready for our day trip to the Chattanooga Creative Discovery Museum. It closed 20 minutes after we finally arrived, which essentially rendered our entire trip useless.

Do you have any idea how difficult it is to clean and dress two small children on a floor that’s ostensibly just a perpetually moving platform? What is the point of duplicitously renting this room out to unsuspecting fathers who are just trying to treat their families to an intellectually stimulating weekend trip?

I understand this room provided an excellent setting for an iconic funk music video, but that was 30 years ago. I was just trying to be a good steward of my house, which ultimately culminated in a bruise-inducing clusterfuck that left my entire family furious with me. This room was designed for professional dancers, not working-class families on a well-deserved getaway, and shame on jmrquai96 for not making this distinction.

In closing, it is not for me to decide whether this room is uniformly unsuitable for everybody. For all I know, there are countless acid jazz funk bands out there who would be thrilled to stay in this room. All I’m saying is that it is incumbent on both the individual posting the room to be forthright in its description, and the platform to strictly enforce this honesty to ensure no family endures what we had to. In the meantime, I am going to book our room for our upcoming trip to New York City, in a room “used in The Prodigy’s ‘Breathe’ music video” because the listing is honest.

Municipal Waste Fan Horrified To Learn He Drank Responsibly Last Night

Posted on by Steve Packosky

CASPER, Wyo. — Municipal Waste fan Dylan Medina was shocked and disgusted after remembering that he drank responsibly at local bar Shooter’s last night, sources report.

“Oh man, I’m so embarrassed,” Medina moaned as he held his head in his hands. “I only drank two Budweisers last night. I didn’t start any fights or play thrash metal on the jukebox, and worst of all, I didn’t vomit in anybody’s face. Ugh, what was I thinking? Everybody at Shooter’s thinks of me as an out-of-control thrasher, so I let them all down. I’m not going to be able to show my face there for a long time, and what about my metalhead friends? How could I have been so inconsiderate? I’m going to have to call everybody up and apologize. I can only hope they’ll forgive me.”

Medina’s friend Silvia Juárez was repulsed at his actions.

“I can’t believe Dylan did that,” Juarez said. “We’ve both been huge Municipal Waste fans since high school, so it’s absolutely unfathomable that our night in a dive bar didn’t end up with him passed out on the pool table after puking all over some dweeb who doesn’t listen to metal. This is so unlike him. He already called me this morning and apologized, but I told him I was going to need some time before I could accept it. He offered to drink 20 beers tonight to make it up to me, but honestly, it’s going to take more than that to regain my respect.”

Municipal Waste frontman Tony Foresta reacted to the news with disbelief.

“Wait, what?” Foresta responded. “So you’re saying this guy is a fan of Municipal Waste, and he only drank a couple of beers last night? The dude better have a good excuse, because any true follower of my band would drink to the point of blacking out and waking up in a landfill. Why does he think I write my lyrics? For my fans to practice temperance and be responsible members of society? What part of ‘Municipal Waste is gonna fuck you up’ does he not understand? He’d better drink a case every night for the next year while leaving a trail of dead posers in his wake. Until he does that, I’d better not see him at any of my shows.”

At press time, Medina further humiliated himself by forgetting to cut the sleeves off a Municipal Waste shirt he had purchased.

Five Songs We Listened To This Week Before Our Float Got Banned From The Memorial Day Parade

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

It’s been another tough week. You’re technically seven days older, though given the current stress of our political and economic climate, scientifically speaking, you have aged an entire decade. While we can’t do anything to stop the never-ending churn of time and biological degradation, some say music has natural anti-aging properties. Granted we heard this from your 78-year-old Dead Head uncle who is ‘young at heart,’ but it can’t hurt to try. Here are five new songs we listened to this week that made the bags under our eyes imperceptibly lighter.

MS Paint ‘No Separation’

Mississippi synth-punk outfit MS Paint finally released the follow-up to their 2023 debut ‘Post-American.’ The EP, ‘No Separation,’ finds the group continuing to expand upon their largely unclassifiable sound begging questions like: Is it punk? Is it hardcore? Is it party-rock? Is there really no guitar? Am I having a seizure? While we may never have the answers to several of those questions, and should probably see a doctor about at least one, the whole thing rips and is worth the several head-scratching spins you’ll likely endure.

Laura Stevenson ‘Honey’

Your favorite band’s favorite songwriter, Laura Stevenson, is preparing to release her seventh full-length ‘Late Great.’ The record will arrive this summer on longtime collaborator Jeff Rosenstock’s label Really Real Records. Rosenstock is also slated to feature on the album alongside Chris Farren, making it as close to an Antartigo Vespucci reunion as we are likely to ever get. Lead single ‘Honey’ is a devastatingly lush and folksy ode to heartbreak that requires us to advise you to delete your ex’s number before listening.

Wednesday ‘Elderberry Wine’

It’s been just over two years since Wednesday’s ‘Rat Saw God’ dropped and inspired a new generation to learn guitar before quickly giving up and scrolling TikTok again. Dashed dreams of musicianship aside, fans have been chomping at the bit for a glimmer of new music. This wish has been thoroughly granted by our reluctant indie heroes with the release of ‘Elderberry Wine.’ It’s a delightful Americana romp that evokes the feeling of lingering seasonal depression on a sunny day.

The Armed ‘Well Made Play’

The stubbornly mysterious Detroit punk collective The Armed announced their forthcoming album ‘The Future Is Here And Everything Needs To Be Destroyed,’ which might be the most on-point album title we’ve ever heard of. Lead single ‘Well Made Play’ is being heralded as a return to form, which is interesting for a band whose true form has arguably never existed. It’s kind of like when your band pivoted away from experimental material, only this time it’s actually good.

Full of Hell ‘Corpselight’

Full of Hell’s new EP ‘Broken Sword, Rotten Shield’ dropped last week. Like most FoH releases, their latest finds the band taking their patented terror-grind sound into new and unexpected territory. The track ‘Corpselight’ illustrates this tendency well, playing out like someone dropped an unreleased track onto the GoldenEye 007 Pause Menu soundtrack and clicked ‘render’ after barely touching the mix. ‘Revolutionary’ may be a strong word, but it’s interesting at the very least.

Now that you’ve found the Fountain of Youth, you’re probably hankering for more. We got you. We’ve compiled all of this sweet, borderline unlistenable nectar into a convenient playlist along with everything else we’ve listened to. Check it out below as you continue to fight back the cold hand of death.

Pro-Life Conservatives Boycott Ms. Rachel Over Controversial Anti-Baby Killing Stance

Posted on by Tim Sheard

WASHINGTON — Popular YouTube children’s entertainer Ms. Rachel sparked backlash from pro-life right-wing commentators for her brave stance against ongoing infanticide in Gaza, confirmed sources.

“After we’re finished protesting at Planned Parenthood, we’re gonna picket the YouTubes next,” shared Fran Amber-Sheridan while trying to re-download the Newsmax app. “It doesn’t make sense for Ms. Rachel to take a stand when we have hypothetical future taxpayers to advocate for here on American soil. These faraway ethnic babies will never contribute to our economy. We have all these poor unborn domestic fetus darlings, theoretical sweethearts, yet their reluctant and ‘supposedly unhealthy’ mothers want to hijack the entire conversation. Selfish. Look, I’m out here protesting to ensure babies aren’t killed before they’re born, what happens after is God’s plan. And I’m talking about my white God, just to be clear.”

Ms. Rachel’s talent agent Liza Madison weighed in on the controversy surrounding her client.

“We support our client in any decision she makes,” shared Madison from her CAA office. “This outspokenness can rattle internal relations, but we’re standing firm behind Ms. Rachel. Also, children are her main demographic. Of course she is going to make a statement when the audience is impacted. She needs tomorrow’s viewers still alive; to not speak out is bad business. Plus there is no way I’m having my 10% fee eaten into.”

Popular conservative AM radio host Buzz “The Rightman” Oroville addressed the topic on his nationally syndicated program.

“This liberal coastal educated anti-Semitism has to stop,” opined Oroville between Trump memecoin ads. “How dare Ms. Rachel talk about dying babies. Stick to the ABCs, not the ICUs! This is a craven attempt to expand her brand into international markets, and for what? Brown babies in conflict zones have zero spending power. Total waste of time. Stay in your lane, Ms. Rachel! Just stick to singing. It takes us far-right thought-leaders outside the lamestream media to set the record straight and stop the lies. Why not mention the billions of babies killed today on those California abortion farms? Old McDonald had a clinic, and the wheels on the bus go to Gavin Newsom’s adrenochrome lab.”

At press time, Israeli authorities are working with the federal government to raid Ms. Rachel’s studio and conduct a search for extremist militant Gaza children learning how to spell for future manifestos.

The Next “Newsies”? These Children I’ve Employed Won’t Stop Complaining About How I Don’t Pay Them

Posted on by Steve Packosky

These days, it’s important for us to find ways to earn a living however we can. Rising costs due to inflation and tariffs can be absolutely devastating to the working class, so I fully support cutting any corners necessary to keep your bottom line as fat as possible. Let’s talk about regulations concerning child labor.

We all know these can be very strict, which is why I’ve managed to circumvent them by refusing to pay the children I’ve hired to work in my meatpacking plant. The first few weeks of this actually went pretty smoothly, with them toiling happily under the misguided notion that there would be fair recompense for their time and effort. However, as more weeks have passed, the constant complaints have evolved into talk of striking, much like the characters in beloved 1992 musical “The Newsies.”

While their umbrage with their lack of compensation has yet to show itself in catchy song and dance routines, who knows what my refusal to give in to their completely reasonable requests will yield in the coming weeks? Because let me make one thing clear: I am a man of principle. I like my shirts starched, my coffee black, and my child laborers unpaid. Call me old-fashioned, but I refuse to budge on this. No outside force, be it the ACLU or striking teens singing and dancing to a foot-tap inducing rendition of “Seize the Day,” can change my mind.

I should identify the leader and… adopt them? Is that what happens in the movie? Did it backfire?

I’m going to be completely honest here: I’ve largely forgotten the plot of “Newsies.” It’s been a very long time since I’ve seen it, and a middle-aged owner of a plant full of unpaid minors packing dubiously-sourced meat doesn’t really have the time to revisit old cinematic experiences. I just know that, when these kids inevitably decide to rebel and refuse to provide me with the unpaid labor that has so benefited me financially as of late, I’m going to have a real problem on my hands. History is full of unfairly treated adolescent newspaper hawkers winning the hearts of the public, and there’s no reason why this shouldn’t translate to the meatpacking industry. However, as I said earlier, we are in tough economic times. Compensating your employees is a privilege enjoyed by those during periods of positive GDP growth.

So what am I going to do here? Am I to just sit idly by while my tiny employees contact workers in other meatpacking plants throughout the city, much like the Newsies did when organizing their strike? That simply will not do, as other plants almost certainly pay their staff, who are also almost certainly fully grown adults. I run the risk of the media getting wind of my little scheme as well, as Bill Pullman’s reporter character definitely helped the Newsies break through to their curmudgeon distributor. No, I’m going to have to take a step back and think for a bit.

In the meantime, I’ve recently noticed that these kids have just befriended some teen across town who carries a slingshot everywhere. Again, it’s been a while since I’ve seen the movie, but something tells me this can’t be good.