Singer Really Showing Off That He Knows All the Words

Posted on by Jeff Bender

ASBURY PARK, N.J. — Troy Floor, lead singer of the band Surfside, was apparently really showing off that he knew all the words to his songs at the Stone Pony Saturday last night, offended sources reported.

“He’s totally alienating us right now. Look at him hogging the mic—and then shoving it in our faces that he knows ALL the words—and we don’t. It’s like, ‘Hello? What about us? Don’t we matter?’” said Stone Pony first-timer Ricky Karsinky, as the band launched into another song. “Here we go again. We get it, dude. You know the song. You know the little tricky vocal parts. What’d you, go to your own Spotify page and memorize this stuff before going on? Sad. I think they should hand out lyric books at the door, like at church, and let people take turns at the mic. Otherwise, they’re just showboating.”

A nonplussed Surfside frontman defended his choice to act as the venue’s lone vocalist for the night.

“Wait, am I missing something here? Didn’t I suffer for these songs? Didn’t I write the lyrics? I went to Julliard. I studied with Josh Groban or rather watched some clips of him on YouTube. I changed my name from Brenner Hethrington to Troy Floor. Shouldn’t I get to sing?” said the frontman between sets. “This goes all the way back to Sappho, man. You write the words, you get to sing the song. You don’t see Harry Connick, Jr. or Michael Bublé letting the crowd get up there and sing. And Surfside is pretty close to Bublé certain nights—depending on the crowd, of course.”

Bublé expressed empathy for Karsinky and concertgoers everywhere who come to a show expecting to participate.

“It’s important sometimes, you know, to let the crowd have a whack. It makes them feel seen, like they didn’t just pay money to watch some guy sing. When I do ‘Jingle Bells,’ for example, I pretend like I’ve forgotten the ‘ha ha ha’ part or the ‘oh!’ part, and I let them have at it,” said the five-time Grammy winner. “I say, ‘Now just the people on the left,’ you know, or ‘Now the people in the back.’ That way it’s not like I’m some know-it-all who’s showing off that he knows how to do the song. You never want to look like you know the songs more than an audience when you’re on stage.”

At press time, Karsinky was seen badgering the merch guy to let him sell some hats.

How To Make a New Friend and Then Instantly Regret It When They Try To Sell You the Socialist Alternative Newspaper

Posted on by Colleen Nerney

Making new friends as an adult can be challenging. But fear not, good reader—here are our tried-and-true tips for how to make a brand new friend totally organically, only to be filled with instant and searing regret when you realize they’re trying to sell you the fucking Socialist Alternative newspaper.

Chat up that attractive punk with a Carhartt beanie
Ok, play it cool. You’re at the bar and there’s someone super good-looking but like, in a normal way, not too intimidating. Try to comment on their beanie, or the fact that they have a Cursive’s Domestica shirt on and ignore the potential that they just got divorced.

And honestly, let’s not even bring romance into it! Just talk about some upcoming shows and see if they want to chill sometime. You’re doing great.

Hang out exactly once
Awesome, you’ve got their number and you’re texting like wildfire. It’s time to meet up at some highly overpriced brewery and awkwardly talk about three bands for half an hour.

Realize they’re trying to sell you a fucking newspaper in 2024
Kinda weird but like, they keep asking if you’re free on certain nights of the week to go to “some meetings.” At first, you thought it might be AA or something, no judgment, but now they want to know about your political leanings. And then they’re pulling out a stack of papers from their backpack…

Son of a bitch, they’re trying to sell you the goddamned Socialist Alternative newspaper. This is bad. Skip out on the tab and say you’re too broke to pitch in. Run like hell.

Never speak to them again
This step might be hard, but you can never see this person again. Every single hangout will end with a shill. You might be tempted to text them a diatribe about how selling newspapers in the year of our Lord 2024 is not only a bad business plan but kind of useless activism-wise but hold your tongue. You just have to never go to a trendy bar again and wear a disguise for the several shows you talked about attending together.

Become hyper-capitalist as a result of your trauma
You know, maybe if all today’s socialists have to offer is overpriced printed media, maybe we’re on the wrong side here. Might be time to get into stocks and shit, maybe get one of those 401k things you keep hearing about. No idea what they are but they sound cool!

Poser Staind Fan Didn’t Even Storm the Capitol on January 6th

Posted on by Steve Packosky

ELLICOTT CITY, Md. — Local resident and supposed Staind fan Brandon Vintner wasn’t even present at the attempted coup on the U.S. Capitol on January 6, 2021, disgusted sources confirmed.

“Yeah man, I love Staind but I’m more of a centrist,” the weak-willed poser commented. “I’ve been a fan ever since ‘Dysfunction’ came out in 1999 during my nu-metal phase. A lot of fans dropped off when they released that song ‘It’s Been Awhile,’ but not me. They were actually my first concert when I saw them on their ‘Break the Cycle’ tour and that’s a memory I’ll take with me forever, though it now makes sense that everyone at that show back then wore Bush/Cheney shirts. I know Aaron Lewis has some controversial views, but politics isn’t really my thing. I’m just a huge fan of the music and not storming government buildings in my free time.”

Other Staind enthusiasts have been quick to denounce Vintner’s cavalier approach to his fandom.

“That guy is so full of shit,” scoffed William “Big Bill” Humphrey from Central Maryland Correctional Facility, where he is currently serving five years for trespassing and assault on law enforcement officers. “I was in D.C. with all the other patriots who love Staind as much as they love their country, and when President Trump told us to march to the Capitol and ‘fight like hell,’ we didn’t hesitate to break into the building and smear our own shit all over the walls as we wandered around taking pictures. In fact, declining to storm the Capitol is something some pussy Jimmy Eat World fan probably would’ve done.”

Staind frontman Aaron Lewis was shocked to learn a fan of his hadn’t taken part in the insurrection.

“I refuse to believe one of my supporters didn’t risk his life and the lives of others in the service of a billionaire who is probably the second coming of Jesus, if you really think about it,” the singer stated while changing the strings on his obnoxious Les Paul Stars and Stripes electric guitar. “That’s the entire point of every song I’ve ever written. Take the song ‘Outside’ for instance. It’s clearly about the alienation that comes with getting your news from right-wing media outlets. Everyone just makes fun of you and calls you the weird uncle at Thanksgiving. If you haven’t felt that isolation, you’re not a Staind fan.”

At press time, Vintner was seen listening to Michale Graves-era Misfits, saying he wanted to get into bands with “less controversial singers.”

Stop & Shop Discontinuing Cigarette Sales Due to Decline in Cool Teenagers

Posted on by Ben Friedman

QUINCY, Mass. — Supermarket chain Stop & Shop announced that their stores would no longer sell cigarettes due to poor sales from the vast decline of cool teenagers across the region, the executive board confirmed.

“We’ve been tracking the data for a while, and the numbers don’t lie. The drought of cool teenagers who wear leather jackets and live by their own rules is directly connected to our rapidly declining sales of cigarettes and tobacco products. Therefore, we will be discontinuing sales in the next few days,” said company President Gordon Reid. “There was a time when an effortlessly cool teen could flock to our stores with a flawless fake I.D. to grab a pack of Marlboros and smoke them while leaning against the hood of their I-ROC in the parking lot looking aloof yet affable. But research has shown most would rather be vaping while watching six simultaneous Twitch channels at once. And it’ll be a cold day in hell before we sell any of that bubblegum vape garbage.”

Many teens cited significant changes in their lifestyles leading to cigarettes no longer being necessary.

“Why would I willingly take multiple cigarette breaks a day and give myself lung cancer when I could use that time to be in math club? Last time I checked, smelling like tar was for the olds and there’s no way I’m stinking up my dad’s Honda Odyssey when I go trade Funko Pops on the weekend,” said 14-year-old Matt Frink. “Sorry if I’m ruining some grocery store’s sales, but I’d rather spend my money on a sensible water bottle to reduce my plastic use.”

Anti-smoking organizations admitted they may have gone too far with preventing teens from smoking.

“We just wanted to encourage kids to make healthier choices, and now we have have a generation of dorks who think Mr. Beast is cooler looking than every punk band from the ‘80s combined. The only ones who do use tobacco are fratty douche lords who pop Zyns like candy, and that’s a huge turnoff for most high school-aged kids,” said Truth rep Morgan Jenkins.” Listen kids, we got a whole boatload of nicotine patches you can have until you’re ready for the real shit, just please keep supporting your local chains and loiter outside of them while playing music too loud. The culture depends on it.”

As of press time, Stop & Shop said they would still allow teens to smoke weed and light their recycling bins on fire behind the stores.

Report: Nearly Half of Burning Man Attendees Don’t Have Enough of Their Parents’ Money Saved to Go This Year

Posted on by Ben Friedman

BLACK ROCK CITY, Nev. — A troubling economic report revealed that 48% of this year’s projected Burning Man attendees don’t have enough of their parents’ money saved up to actually go, festival coordinators confirmed.

“After all these years of being so careful with my trust fund, ensuring my parents are replenishing it, and now I have to face the reality of not being able to afford going on a peyote bender at Burning Man. What am I supposed to tell my girlfriend, that we can’t trip balls at the best desert rave in the world because my dad’s tenants are balking at raising their rents?” said River Hanson. “I only get Uber Eats five times a week, how the hell am I almost out of money until 2025? Now I’ll have to fly coach to Electric Daisy Carnival. This economy is hellish.”

Burning Man organizers are increasingly concerned the lack of spoiled trust fund kids will impact their operating budget.

“Last year’s flooding was bad enough, now we have to contend with the possibility that we’ll be showing off art installations and DJ sets to nobody. Our bread and butter is entitled brats who exist solely on their parents’ money who come here to brag about it on TikTok. But thanks to all the recession fears, discretionary spending is down and these teenage adults are opting to just party at their family’s third beach house,” said coordinator Carol Jeffers. “We’d lower ticket prices, but inflation has really driven up the cost of hiring the spiritual gurus. At this rate we’ll be lucky if we can get the Silicon Valley tech bros to show up.”

Other festival promoters said that this will be the new normal unless extreme measures are taken.

“Earlier it was the big concerts canceling, now it’s the rich kid EDM playgrounds that are feeling the heat. It used to be that you could just throw up a tent somewhere in Death Valley and the trust fund babies would naturally show up within minutes thanks to never having worked a day in their lives, now they’re living from brunch to brunch,” said Hank LaSalle. “The only viable thing they can do before mommy and daddy cut them off is to set up a public trust fund or as most people call it, GoFundMe.”

The report also found most potential Burning Man-goers have found the best way to finance the trip was to trick friends into funding their parents’ pump and dump crypto schemes.

Negotiator Who Got Oasis Back Together Now Tasked With Much Easier Job of Convincing Israel to Agree to Ceasefire

Posted on by Stephen Bell

LONDON – Negotiator Peter Franks decided to take on the much easier job of finally getting Israel to agree to a ceasefire with Hamas after successfully negotiating a reunion of brothers Liam and Noel Gallagher for an Oasis reunion tour.

“The feud between the Gallaghers may have only lasted the last 15 years but it’s felt like 1,000 years with the way they were speaking about each other,” said Franks. “I’m not saying I’m a miracle worker but I figured we’d sooner see Jimi Hendrix play a live concert in the Tower of London before we’d get to see an Oasis reunion. We had to put Noel and Liam into separate shark tanks so they wouldn’t bite each other’s throats out when we brought them in to determine the details of the new concert series. After you’ve dealt with this kind of hatred it makes solving the problems in the Middle East seem like a breeze.”

Liam Gallagher seemed to be unsure if this truce with his brother was going to last.

“The reality of course is that I did nothing wrong and that us breaking up is all Noel’s fault,” said a red-faced Liam clearly trying to contain his emotions. “And of course, any suggestion that I bear any blame for this is based on false reports about our history. But I have come to realize now that our problems aren’t intractable, however, if Noel for one-second looks at me the wrong way then I will detonate the dynamite I have strapped to my chest and blow up this whole reunion with the force of a thousand champagne supernovas. Body parts and blood will be splattered all along the wonderwalls. And look I’m willing to not look back in anger this time, but I will look forward in anger if Noel does anything to fuck this up again.”

Secretary of State, guitar player, and avid Oasis fan Antony Blinken was more than happy to put aside his responsibilities for a week.

“It’s really great that Mr. Franks wants to give this whole ceasefire deal a go,” said Secretary Blinken. “Lord knows I haven’t been able to accomplish shit when it comes to getting Israel to stop dropping bombs on hospitals and schools. I guess it’s because I’m an amateur when compared to the guy who got the Gallaghers to stop fighting. This is great because I can use the time I’d normally spend getting ignored by Benjamin Netanyahu to now sit on the Ticketmaster app and hope that I can get tickets to the show.”

At press time, it was reported that Franks was able to successfully get the Koreas to reunite after accidentally butt-dialing Kim Jong Un.

Bummer: Roommate is “Intrusive Thoughts” OCD, Not “Clean Freak” OCD

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

DENVER — Local man Davey Hilton was “severely bummed” upon learning his new roommate, Nina McKenna, was the “intrusive thoughts” variety of OCD, instead of the more “useful,” “clean freak” OCD, offended sources confirmed.

“When Nina revealed their OCD diagnosis to me, I was stoked. Not because they trusted me enough to share some deeply personal information, but because I assumed that meant our place was going to be immaculate,” said Hilton. “We’re talking finding crumbs in the shag carpet with a mustache comb ‘immaculate.’ Yeah, I know, OCD can be horribly debilitating, but that’s a small price I’m willing for Nina to pay to have a clean place. But turns out, Nina is more the ‘what if I jump out this window,’ or ‘what if I scream a racial slur on this subway car’-type OCD. I didn’t even know that was a thing.”

McKenna was understandably frustrated by Hilton’s insensitivity.

“I’m usually pretty open about my diagnosis and 99% of people are understanding and sympathetic. But Davey unfortunately had a very stereotypical view of what obsessive compulsive disorder looks like. He seemed genuinely pissed when he realized I wouldn’t be decluttering his bedroom on a weekly basis,” said McKenna. “Later, when I explained that one of my intrusive thoughts is losing control and touching a hot stove, he tried to ‘help’ by insisting the best way to deal with that is to wash the pans and load the dishwasher. He also once asked me if I could help him solve the case of the missing vape pen ‘Detective Monk-style.’ Do I look like Tony Shaloub, motherfucker?”

Psychologist Dr. Miguel Freeman elaborated on the ways various disorders are often misinterpreted.

“Pop culture has unfortunately given us many harmful portrayals of neurodivergence. But, as we learned from ‘Rudolph the Rednosed Reindeer,’ we should accept people who are different, assuming their differences are useful to us,” explained Dr. Freeman. “A person’s true value in a capitalistic society comes from whether or not they can make money. I mean, what’s the point of being autistic if you can’t count cards? Or having an anxiety disorder if you’re not willing to be a charismatic New Jersey mafia don?”

At press time, Hilton has been diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder, to the surprise of no one.

Nice! This Private Equity Firm Accidentally Bought Itself and Immediately Went Bankrupt

Posted on by Ben Friedman

You’ll be hard-pressed to find a worse man-made blight on this planet than private equity firms. All they are good for is making obscenely wealthy investors even more wealthy while destroying companies in the name of “doing business”.

But in the case of Jones & Jones Capital, sometimes doing that business results in a deal closing so egregious that you accidentally purchase your own firm and go bankrupt. And man, is it a glorious sight to see.

We know it sounds confusing (and impossible), but here’s how it works: the firms buy these companies under the guise of “improving them”, then offload their debt onto said companies and then make them pay rent on the land until they can’t afford it anymore. And according to capitalism this is supposed to continue forever with zero consequences. But you know what they say: fuck around and find out.

Thanks to J&J’s bloodthirsty and unrelenting drive to buy every business they could get their hands on, it was only a matter of time before there would be nothing left but to purchase themselves, and begin instinctively making things more efficient by selling off their assets and firing employees. They probably should have listened to the nerds in accounting!

It’s like watching a real-life ouroboros finally swallow itself whole, with the added bonus of multi-millionaire vultures throwing themselves out of their Fifth Avenue penthouses. Red Lobster and the original Boeing engineers will be avenged!

You’re probably thinking what this means for you, the average American who doesn’t spend their waking hours being a cancer on the financial system. Honestly, not a whole lot since most of that money just disappeared into the ether. However, we have on good authority that a Midwest grocery store they bought and gutted is giving away free rotten eggs to throw at J&J’s recently laid-off finance bros as they walk out the building. Now that’s being efficient with your business.

It’s likely many 401k retirement funds, along with the stock market, may now be on the brink of irredeemable ruin. But watching a braintrust of overpaid, Harvard-educated daddy’s boys completely shit the bed with staggering incompetence is as beautiful a view as the Grand Canyon. Perhaps they should’ve paid attention in Econ 101 instead of harassing their female classmates.

So it looks like sometimes capitalism actually works the way it’s intended. Fingers crossed Blackrock accidentally deletes itself next!

Guy in Crowd with Tucked-In Polo Most Unsettling Part of Black Metal Show

Posted on by Steve Packosky

WORCESTER, Mass. — Black metal fan and Watain concert attendee Caleb Anderson’s choice of a tucked-in polo shirt was apparently the most disturbing part of the band’s controversial live show, disconcerted sources confirmed.

“Oh man, that guy was fucking creepy,” fellow concertgoer Jason Chen commented while scrubbing corpse paint from his forehead. “The lead singer had just unloaded several gallons of actual pig’s blood on the audience from these goat skulls that were adorning both sides of the stage, and I looked to my left and saw this guy in a Ralph Lauren polo that was actually tucked into his jeans. I was so weirded out. Especially since he paired the polo with argyle socks. Luckily, I kind of lost him in the crowd a few seconds later when the band started playing ‘Storm of the Antichrist.’ It was such a relief to get back into the normalcy of the show after that, because I was really shaken up.”

Frontman Erik Danielsson also noticed Anderson in the crowd.

“Watain is the musical embodiment of chaos, carnage, and damnation. Our live show is intended to corrupt the soul and drain the light from the eyes of all in attendance,” Danielsson noted as he loaded a gigantic inverted crucifix onto the band’s tour bus. “With that being said, however, there are some lines that should not be crossed. When I saw the collar on the shirt of that particular individual stay perfectly in place as he headbanged to ‘On Horns Impaled’ I honestly considered quitting the band and enrolling in Johannelund Theological Seminary back home in Uppsala. At the very least, I think it’s best that we avoid this town during our next North American tour.”

Anderson spoke excitedly about his time at the show, seemingly unaware of the effect he had on others in attendance.

“That show was awesome!” Anderson remarked, re-tucking a small part of his shirttail that had been jostled loose. “Being a fan of extreme music can be kind of isolating, and black metal shows are honestly one of the few places where I really feel like I belong and fit in. I just love being surrounded by my metal brothers and sisters while we bang our heads to the music we love. Hail Satan and chinos!”

At press time, Anderson had been refused admission into a nearby nightclub due to his outfit being “a little too alternative.”

Top 30 Primus Songs to Make Your Blind Date Wish They Had Never Been Born

Posted on by Bobby Korec

Going on a first date can be rough. Going on a blind first date can be rougher. But going on a blind first date as a Primus fan can be absolutely brutal. Unfortunately, to weed out potential mates, you must present them with several Les Claypool bass licks first and foremost to see if they pass your arbitrary test for a romantic endeavor. This is why we’ve ranked the top 30 Primus songs that will make your blind date wish they had never been conceived by their parents. (Listen to the playlist, click here)

30. “Lacquer Head” (1999)

Playing “Lacquer Head” in its entirety is just going to make your date wish you had normal red flags, like the proclivity to gaslight or leave a bad tip after a meal. At this point, even toxic masculinity sounds refreshing. Anything but more thumpity and dirty bass sounds.

29. “The Scheme” (2017)

Nothing will give your date “the ick” faster than 2017-era Primus. This record is actually a concept album about a children’s book called “The Rainbow Goblins” that Les used to read to his kids. No one knows what to do with that information, especially your blind date.

28. “Pudding Time” (1990)

You took your blind date to the nicest combination Pizza Hut and Taco Bell in town, and that still wasn’t enough to impress. Perhaps a song called “Pudding Time” will turn things around. Besides, you didn’t have enough money to buy your date those sweet cinnamon sticks anyway, but this is close enough.

27. “Bob’s Party Time Lounge” (1997)

Was it the line “been erect here now for 13 days?” specifically that made your date immediately check their phone for the next several minutes? Hard to tell for sure where you lost them.

26. “Those Damned Blue-Collar Tweekers” (1991)

This is one of only four or five Primus tracks where the guitar kicks off the song, which in theory makes it more approachable to the normies. It must be stressed though that this is “in theory.”

25. “Mary the Ice Cube” (2002)

At some point your date is just going to come out and say it: “Primus sucks.” But when you subsequently agree with that sentiment, it will only confuse the hell out of them. This is where you begin chanting “Primus sucks, Primus sucks.” Great, now you just look like a psychopath.

24. “Pure Imagination” (2014)

Putting on this song will just about ruin “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory” for them, not to mention your chances at a second date and your friendship with the person who set you up on this date in the first place, and most importantly your ability to come back to the restaurant because you played this one over their PA and now you’re banned from three different Outback Steakhouse locations.

23. “The Air Is Getting Slippery” (1993)

Your date never once specified that they didn’t enjoy the sound of banjos. This one is more on them. Not you.

22. “Southbound Pachyderm” (1995)

If asking your date to split the check at dinner wasn’t enough to turn them off, certainly anything off “Tales From the Punchbowl” will put them over the edge. Plus, this will make your date wish they had never been born so much that they will begin to resent their otherwise loving parents for bringing them into this cruel, Primus-sympathizing world.

21. “Welcome To This World” (1993)

And to think, you actually dressed up for this date in your finest “Pork Soda” album cover t-shirt only for the person to suddenly “feel sick” during the Primus marathon portion of the evening. You just can’t seem to win.

20. “South Park Theme” (1997)

Nothing will turn off a first date quicker than playing them a theme song from a Comedy Central cartoon, even if Primus wrote and performed it. Only thing worse is playing them the “Malcolm in the Middle” theme song by They Might Be Giants. Actually, that might be equivalent.

19. “Here Come the Bastards” (1991)

Try to put yourself in your date’s shoes for just a minute here. You’re playing them music they’ve never even thought to seek out while you’re trying to get them to know you. A little slice of “Sailing the Seas of Cheese” should do the trick. Actually, on paper, this should work.

18. “Kalamazoo” (1997)

Dates are kind of like interviews, in that you really have to show that you are the right person for the job or at least that you’re qualified to make out a little at the end. Unfortunately, in both instances, you’ve played Primus to break the ice, which is poor etiquette. Wait until you’re hired or are exclusive before playing anything from the “Brown Album.”

17. “Professor Nutbutter’s House of Treats” (1995)

Hey, it’s not your fault your date has never heard of Primus before. This is going to be a teachable moment one or another. I promise you, your date will never forget Primus after this date. Or you. Just not in the way you were hoping for.

16. “Pork Soda” (1993)

This is technically a song, but the almost violent auditory assault will likely make your date put their fingers in their ears to avoid having to acknowledge the existence of the questionable instrumental arrangement. This probably doesn’t mean you’re getting a second date. So close though.

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