Millennial Reaches End of Zillow, Begins Scrolling Out-of-Network Doctors

Posted on by Courtney Hill

HAGERSTOWN, Md. — Local millennial Cassie Dunbar recently reached the very last Zillow listing and immediately pivoted to scrolling through out-of-network doctors, sources desperate to feel inadequate reported.

“I was in bed admiring an incredible 6 bed, 5.5 bath A-frame overlooking the Pacific, priced beautifully at 11M, when I thought ‘ok, one more then lights out,’” Dunbar recalled with a sleepless rasp. “When I tried to find the next property for sale there was nothing; not even an empty lot or crumbling double wide. I can only fall asleep to my mind dwelling on my deficiencies, so I jumped on Zocdoc and switched from houses I can’t buy to doctors I can’t visit. From internists to cash-only perineum rejuvenation specialists, I could feel my health deteriorate as each medical professional grew further out of reach. I dozed off 99% sure I had cancer and 100% sure there was nothing I could do about it, my preferred blend of resigned despair.”

Meanwhile, Dunbar’s roommate Alex Varick was deep into an even more pointless tour of the unattainable: hobbies for the hyper-wealthy.

“There isn’t a single rezzy at French Laundry for 6 months, so I s’pose I’ll be eating post office candy for dinner again,” Varick griped while ignoring several past-due emails. “I’m currently 88,000th in the Ticketmaster queue for a T-Swift one-off show at the Sphere so that’s not happening, and worst of all they’re no longer taking new members at the Greenwich Yacht Club; sure makes all those hours spent pricing restored clipper ships feel like a waste of time. Some say I’m torturing myself, but really I’m searching for that perfect motivator to jumpstart my social ascent. In the meantime I’m gonna see what an Uber Black from Key West to Anchorage costs, just for fun.”

Economic Sociologist Dr. Fred Crooksjaw has dedicated the past 20 years to better understanding why millennials in particular are so drawn to the unachievable.

“It’s human nature to want what we can’t have, but millennials have taken this to obsessive extremes,” Dr. Crooksjaw asserted while boiling dental floss for reuse. “The behavior is classic rebellion against one’s parents. Millennials watched the boomer generation amass great wealth while remaining uninterested in spending any of it. Millennials and their more modest economic success therefore developed a nearly limitless fascination with what’s out of reach. From private islands for sale to waitlisted cosmetic surgery, the less relevant to their actual lives the more they seem interested in it.”

At press time, Dunbar was attending an open house posing as a tech billionaire until realizing the seller was her dentist that she owes money.

Why Should I Buy a Weighted Blanket When the Sheer Enormity of My Failures Is Free?

Posted on by Sidney Conant

Back in 1992, renowned neurodiversity advocate Dr. Temple Grandin laid the groundwork for the research on deep-touch pressure that would eventually lead to the creation of the first weighted blanket. She and some other big brain scientists or whatever claim that the extra weight placed upon your body is supposedly, like, good for your mental health and shit? That sounds pretty rad, actually, but hey, newsflash, docs: why should I go out and buy one of these things when the sheer enormity of my own failures is free?

The number of people purchasing weighted blankets has been steadily increasing year after year, but I’m not about to be one of those losers. Why would I want the tonnage of a heavy-ass bedspread regulating my emotions like I’m Linus from the Charlie Brown cartoons when all I need to do is think back to the time when I lost out on a full ride to MIT by sending in my application a month after the deadline. Mmmm…I can feel my stress levels dropping already! I think. I definitely feel heavier physically, like, it’s harder to breathe.

Using past experiences as a way to help overcome feelings of anxiety is probably some kind of therapy, and I honestly feel bad for these guys out here who are actively cheating themselves out of such a masculine way of slaying their demons. Watching Frasier underneath a quilt loaded up with a comfortable amount of steel beads? No thanks. Remembering how I’m not allowed to look after my nephew anymore because of that one time I let him use my BB gun and he shot himself in the shoulder and had to get stitches? Pure relaxation. My sister won’t even give Jason the birthday cards I mail to him anymore. Bonus!

Look, I understand that my friends and family have their own method of achieving a bit of inner peace and that I have my own. Being nestled under a sheet of fabric that’s roughly ten to twelve percent of your body weight is reportedly super beneficial and all that, but I don’t see why everyone has to try to push that shit on me. I’m more than happy looking up at the ceiling of my dad’s walk-in closet at night, reminiscing on how I’ve never truly found love and that my best years are far behind me.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…..

Affordable Date Night: Anthony Kiedis Gets Senior Discount While Girlfriend Orders off Kids Menu

Posted on by Chris Bratton

LOS ANGELES — Red Hot Chili Peppers frontman Anthony Kiedis was seen enjoying dinner at a local Denny’s with his new girlfriend moments before requesting a senior discount for himself and a kids menu for his partner, sources confirmed.

“When you get to this age it would be reckless to not enjoy the perks. Whether it is an AARP deal for new tires, a senior discount on coffee at McDonalds, or using your exorbitant monetary resources to bag a recent high school grad. These are the golden years,” said Kiedis before putting on a pair of bifocals to read the dessert menu. “Me and Leo Dicaprio took our gals on a playdate the other day, and while they were tossing skeeball, Leo affirmed that in no way is it weird that my girlfriend was negative 13 when ‘Blood Sugar Sex Magik’ came out! Listen, even if I wasn’t dating Isabella I would still be eating Takis, watching ‘Riverdale,’ and helping someone else with their algebra homework.”

Hope Green, a server at the Local Diner, was genuinely bewildered at the interaction.

“I told her that there was a fried chicken platter special with two sides, but she aggressively pointed at the kids menu and yelled ‘chicken dippies.’ I think she was pissed because Anthony told her it was too much sugar to have both a Shirley Temple and a milkshake. I get that older musicians go for younger women but fuck, she was born after 9/11,” said Green. “I had a ‘Californiication’ CD in the trunk of my car. When I asked Anthony to sign it, his partner yelled out ‘Uncle Flea is also on that one!’”

Hollywood matchmaker Jeff Beauregard was well-versed in pairing couples with such a large age disparity.

“I like to avoid terms like child bride and dowry and instead use more friendly language. I’ll tell a parent that their ‘youthful honeymooner’ will most likely reward them with a ‘thank you yacht,’” said Beauregard. “It’s also important to avoid bringing up shows like ‘Fresh Prince’ that can lead to a ‘90s nostalgia vs modern remake drama argument. We also coach the men to not take it personally when their girlfriend calls one of their favorite movies ‘mid’ or when they’ve never even heard of a blockbuster movie that came out in 1999. They never mean it!”

At press time, Kiedis was busy finding the perfect go-kart place and Chuck E. Cheese for the couple’s anniversary.

Ten Underrated Lookout! Records Albums That Were Almost Entirely Funded By the Success of Green Day

Posted on by Scott Waldman

Yes, Lookout! Records is, depending upon who is spouting utter nonsense on Elon Musk’s egocentric platform, the famous or infamous NorCal record label that launched huge/reverential rock and roll acts like Operation Ivy, Green Day, The Donnas, Screeching Weasel, and more, and no, NONE of those bands, characters, and events, even those based on real people, would be considered underrated by anyone… Be forewarned, the following words about Lookout! contain coarse language! The label is also known for essentially kickstarting acts without the famous campaign to larger labels, wherein they achieved much more fanfare, but Lookout! will always be your older brother and the scene’s gateway drug. We attempted to rank the top ten most underrated Lookout! Records albums in alphabetical order below, and before you yell at us, we do NOT list any EPs here from your favorites, so keep on walking, and most importantly, welcome to paradise.

American Steel “Jagged Thoughts” (2001)

If you want your brain to contemplate life without an ironic little pill that keeps you head over feet, then you need to listen to Oakland, California’s American Steel’s third LP “Jagged Thoughts” stat! “Jagged Thoughts” is truly an interesting/diverse listen over the course of its twelve tracks, which run the gamut in terms of song length, with two songs being under two minutes long, and four over four minutes and forty seconds, an extremely unusual thing for a band to do in this lane; everyone knows that you NEVER go full epic. If you like The Clash more than the boom of ‘90s punk rock, check out what American Steel did just after the turn of the century with this particular full-length studio album. If you don’t, you’re a poser, but you already know that. Still, we have no clue what the hell you’re doing here.

Ann Beretta “To All Our Fallen Heroes” (1999)

Critically acclaimed by your favorite defunct zine, but it sadly isn’t showcased in sales or streams, Richmond, Virginia’s Ann Beretta showed the world that the city shouldn’t just be known for hush puppies or racism. The band has been a group of swingers in the fact that they’ve been on many different labels large and small like Fueled by Ramen and Union 2112 Records, but Lookout! Records snagged ‘em for this one, “To All Our Fallen Heroes,” and it is easily our favorite from the band AND it is without question one of the more underrated LR releases. Also, “To All Our Fallen Heroes” was produced by punk rock svengali Bill Stevenson of Descendents, ALL, and Black Flag, and it sounds HUGE. So change the present with the past and listen to “To All Our Fallen Heroes,” or the album cover will shoot you.

Common Rider “Last Wave Rockers” (1999)

1999 was a good year for underrated Lookout! Records, uh, records, with the above release from Ann Beretta coming out that year, and Common Rider’s debut full-length studio album “Last Wave Records” hitting cool stores like Hicksville, Long Island’s Utopia in ‘99 as well. Want some more street cred for your jacket with a multitude of patches? Well we certainly have that for you! Not only does Jesse Michaels from Operation Ivy front and play guitar for the act, but Mass Giorgini of the yet to be mentioned Squirtgun and producer for blockbuster bands Screeching Weasel, Rise Against, and Alkaline Trio is also a part of the power trio. “Last Wave Rockers” is the band’s best work, but it didn’t come close to the heights of Op Ivy. The band eventually released one more EP via Lookout! Records, signed to Hopeless Records, and finished their career there.

The Dollyrots “Eat My Heart Out” (2004)

Sarasota, Florida’s The Dollyrots’ debut full-length studio album and lone Lookout! Records release “Eat My Heart Out” is the most recent LR record listed here, and its sugary blend of pop punk deserves your time as it is too catchy to dismiss. Since the underrated “Eat My Heart Out” came out, the band put out a plethora of albums on Joan Jett’s Blackheart Records and their own label Arrested Youth Records. It’s also a rad stat that the band’s two official members Kelly Ogden and Luis Cabezas are a married couple, and they still manage to keep their stuff together and not hate each other like the members of Fleetwood Mac. Fun fact: If you want to hear a Kelly Ogden side project with Jaret Reddick, the singer of Bowling for Soup, you can do so now with Jaret and Kelly’s 2019 LP “Sittin’ in a Tree”… Here we go!

The Lookouts “One Planet One People” (1987)

Add a pre-Green Day Tré Cool to Lookout! Records label owner Larry Livermore and you have the namesake band for the label, Iron Peak, California’s The Lookouts!; nepotism certainly works quite well when it is combined with Green Day’s version of Animal beating the hell out of the drum kit in the literal boonies. Speaking of Mr. Cool, his rhythm section counterpart Kain Hanschke was also too young to drive and buy cigarettes when this LP came out, but not too old to be jaded by the elitist punk scene. The lo-fi production sounds energetic in the best way, and The Lookouts have the noteworthy stat of being the first act to release music via the label, and because of such, the band’s debut “One Planet One People” consists of a lot of ones/firsts. In closing, the band covers songs from Bob Dylan and The Rolling Stones here too!

Neurosis “The Word as Law” (1990)

Wikipedia categorizes Oakland, California’s extremely credible act Neurosis as a post-metal group, whatever the hell that means, but we here can definitely confirm that they are sick as hell. Want some proof? Ok. SO many of your favorite bands large and small namecheck the act as a sonic influence seemingly minutely, and the fact that their sales and streams don’t showcase such is a travesty amongst men, women, and children, and likely the biggest one listed here; sorry not sorry. Double edged sword? To what end? Anyway, the band’s second full-length studio album, “The Word as Law,” is our favorite of the bunch, but it must be said on record that subsequent follow ups for Dead Kennedys’ Jello Biafra’s Alternative Tentacles, Relapse Records, and the band’s own label Neurot Recordings slap quite hard too.

Pretty Girls Make Graves “Good Health” (2002)

First of all, if you had a chance to catch Seattle, Washington’s Pretty Girls Make Graves on the Alkaline Trio “Good Mourning” tour also featuring the underrated Pitch Black in 2003, you’re one of the lucky ones, and most certainly not in good health right now because you’re old and likely have back problems. If not, we forgive you, but our tommy gun don’t. Over the course of the band’s initial six year run, the extremely enigmatic act Pretty Girls Make Graves, named after a Jack Kerouac reference in a song by The Smiths despite Morrissey being insufferable by definition, released three full-length studio records, their debut “Good Health” via Lookout! Records, and their two follow-ups on hipper than hip Matador Records before calling it a day. Jaguars may love PFMG, and bloody brothers even moreso, but the indie rock world embraced other Matador acts like Interpol much more.

Small Brown Bike “The River Bed” (2003)

Let’s start with something sad before we highlight this awesome band: Small Brown Bike’s guitarist Travis Dopp sadly lost his battle with cancer last year. This tragic ending put a sad stain on their reunion ten years prior, and he will be missed. Back to the underration portion of this piece: Depending upon who you are talking to, Marshall, Michigan’s Small Brown Bike is the best or worst band name ever, but there is no counter argument to the posit that “The River Bed” demands your attention, and WAY more streams. In an act that differs from many in this piece, another label (No Idea Records) launched SBB into the universe, and Lookout! Records put out the band’s last full length studio album prior to their hiatus one year later. A lesson to remember, rather a declaration of sorts: Lookout! Records likes to keep you large tricycles guessing and pontificating!

Squirtgun “Self-Titled” (1995)

Mass Giorgini is the gold medal winner here with his Lafayette, Indiana act Squirtgun gaining credence here and for being a part of the aforementioned Common Rider. The band’s self-titled debut full-length studio album should have elevated them to the heights of so many other Epitaph Records and melodic punk rock acts but alas, the world did not shoot its shot. Still, track six here, “Social,” was used in the opening credits for the also underrated Kevin Smith film “Mallrats;” R.I.P. Shannen Doherty. The band released their sophomore/accurately titled LP “Another Sunny Afternoon” via Lookout! Records before moving on to Honest Don’s Records, a subsidiary of Fat Wreck Chords. The band also eventually featured Dan Panic, who literally/figuratively played in every single Lookout! Records band. Every. One. Chicago may be so two years ago, but the Midwest is the Mid-Best; Squirtgun has “aw shucks” down!

Tilt “Play Cell” (1993)

East Bay, California’s Tilt, like the aforementioned American Steel, eventually signed with Fat Mike of NOFX’s Fat Wreck Chords, but prior to doing so, released their debut record “Play Cell” via Lookout! Records… and it’s dope. The act certainly added some necessary gruff female vocals to a scene extremely oversaturated by dudes, and we’re happy to end this piece with more of a bang than a whimper. Still, the band didn’t reach the heights of peers The Muffs, L7, Bikini Kill, and The Breeders, and rarely gets namechecked when referencing female rock, let alone punk acts, that achieved some sort of prominence in the ‘90s. Happily, vocalist Cinder Block got sober, and founded a licensing/merchandising store called Cinder Block, Inc., which eventually made its way to printing shirts for Warped Tour in 1997. The company eventually merged with BandMerch, and you likely own an item from them!

I’m Your Empath Landlord and I’m Devastated I Have To Raise Your Rent $500 a Month

Posted on by Jus Kaplan

Hello! I hope now works for a quick phone call. It always feels better to talk instead of text if you ask me. And I hate how cold emails can be.

First of all, how are you? I feel like no one asks that anymore. Just because I’m your landlord doesn’t mean I don’t care. I’m an empath, remember? If anything, I care too much.

You’re doing well? I’m so relieved to hear that! You deserve great things in life. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

So, about your lease renewal. I’m really struggling to come to terms with this, but my life partner and I made the difficult decision to renovate the kitchen of our beach house this year. It really needed a facelift—I would get so depressed just looking at those stained countertops. I’m devastated to tell you this, but it means we have no choice but to increase your rent.

How much, you ask? Oh, I wish I didn’t have to say! I’ll try to keep my composure when I tell you. Here it goes…$500 a month.

I’ve cried every night this week wondering about the impact this might have on you. It shakes me to my core that this may strain your finances during an already difficult time, what with losing your job last month and all. But we have no choice. As I said, the kitchen was crying for a reno. Speaking of, let me grab a Kleenex. I’m starting to tear up thinking about how this will affect you.

You sound tense. I wish there was something I could do to help the situation. Oh! What if I signed us both up for a year’s subscription to Headspace, that meditation and mental health app? I heard they have some breathing exercises that help with reducing financial stress.

Did you say you’d rather I just kept your rent affordable? You know that’s not possible, and it’s honestly very rude of you to suggest that given how I just opened up and explained the emotional damage my second home’s kitchen is causing me.

What? You’ll have to move out if I raise the rent this much? Oh no! Please, don’t say that. Your words are hurting me, like daggers to my ears. Is there no one who can help cover the cost? Maybe you can get a roommate! I can sense you’re feeling lonely.

Just know, for the next 45 days until your eviction, I’m here for you.

Ben Shapiro Calls for Boycott of Zoltar Machine That Wouldn’t Make Him Big

Posted on by Sean Fallon

BOCA RATON, Fla. — Conservative podcaster Ben Shapiro called for a boycott of Zoltar machines after his wish to become “big” went unfulfilled for the 4,000th day straight, confirmed sources who learned about this news against their will.

“It’s outrageous that these devices are allowed to perpetuate lies,” said Shapiro, standing on his tippy toes. “I paid a quarter, an American quarter, to a machine that was probably manufactured in China. I made my wish. I spoke clearly and with authority. I said ‘I wish I was big.’ The machine started laughing at me and then deposited a piece of paper for me to read that said, ‘Your wish has not been granted.’ I climbed down off the box I take everywhere with me and I left the carnival right there and then. Stay tuned for seven or eight more podcasts about this exact situation.”

Larry Houdini, the CEO of MerlinCorp who manufactures the Zoltar machines, maintains that the magic works.

“I sympathize with the plight of that little guy,” said Houdini, a purveyor of magic carnival machines since the ‘60s. “But Zoltar can only grant wishes that are possible. He can’t raise the dead or turn back time and in Ben’s case, he can’t make the little man a normal-sized adult who is capable of reaching items off of high shelves, or the gas pedal in his car without help. At the end of the day the Zoltar machines are magic but they’re not that magic.”

Former toy company executive Susan Lawrence shared her own experiences with the Zoltar machines.

“In the ‘80s, I had a run-in with Zoltar,” said Lawrence, from her home where she is currently under house arrest. “A guy came to work with me at the MacMillan Toy Company, a wonderful man named Josh, who I fell in love with and had a wonderful affair with until I discovered he was a 12-year-old boy that Zoltar had made big. Eventually, he went back to his normal life and I embraced listening to the young voice in my head. Listened too much maybe, and now I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school, and I have to go door to door to tell everyone I’m a registered sex offender if I move to a new place. How was I supposed to know?”

At press time, after trying several more Zoltar machines, Shapiro claims to be turning to darker magic in a desperate attempt to grow but without a soul to sell, he is stuck being a teeny wittle boy.

New Edging Trend? This Man Listened To “In the Air Tonight” for 8 Hours but Stopped Right Before the Drum Part Every Time

Posted on by Trevor Graham

Edging, the practice of sexually stimulating oneself up to the point of arousal without achieving climax for some reason, may have a new trend. Local man Kyle Reuben added his own take on edging this past Saturday by playing Phill Collins’ 1981 debut single “In The Air Tonight” on repeat for eight hours but stopping the song right at the point before the drums begin.

“I started listening to that song when I was about thirteen years old and would listen to it almost every day, sometimes even two to three times a day,” said Reuben. “It’s pretty embarrassing though so I would only listen to it when I was alone. Like any time my girlfriend would run out to the store or something I would immediately throw it on.”

Reuben says this almost daily habit of listening to the song, which features an exploding drum fill a little after three minutes, began to cause a decline in excitement for it which led him to create his own version of edging.

“When I first started listening to it I couldn’t even make it to the three-minute, forty-second mark and would fast-forward to that part every time. But now that I’ve gotten older the excitement for it has started to wane a little and the song just feels like it just drags on and on and the big moment just doesn’t have the same feeling anymore. So last Saturday when my girlfriend went to visit her parents for the weekend and I had the whole place to myself I played it on repeat all day but stopped right after Collins sings ‘It’s no stranger to you and me.’”

With this technique of teasing himself for an extended period of time, Kyle says he now has a new appreciation for the song and the anticipation of finally hearing the drums has built up a tipping point for his excitement.

“After listening over and over without hearing the drums has me just buzzing with anticipation now and I can’t think about anything else. Tomorrow night once I say goodbye to my girlfriend as she heads out the door to go out with friends I’m going to let the whole song play through. I think I can safely say once I hear the ‘DUN-DUN DUN-DUN DUN-DUN DU-DUNN’ Phil Collins’ revenge won’t be the only thing coming in the air tonight.”

Tom Waits Finally Clears Throat Revealing Actual Falsetto Voice

Posted on by Chris Bratton

SAN FRANCISCO — Legendary musician Tom Waits spent over a minute clearing his throat to reveal a beautiful singing voice that was octaves higher and vibrating during a rare live performance last night, baffled sources confirmed.

“Well, I guess I never thought to hack all that nasty phlegm out of my throat. I just assumed that if it needed to happen, then it would have been done by something in this world that controls such things. The night of the show I was admiring a murder of crows flying towards the sun, their ineffable beauty inclined me to spit into the air, but my dry mouth made my neck evacuate itself,” said Waits wistfully. “Afterwards, I had the voice like the Vienna boys choir, it was startling but very transformative. I immediately belted out ‘Barbar’ Ann’ by The Beach Boys. And at my next show I may sing songs by this newer human, Bon Iver!”

Local Waits superfan Kevin Josephson described the performance of his favorite Waits song, “I Don’t Wanna Grow Up.”

“It was perplexing! His voice usually sounds like chewing gravel in a windy desert. But then all of a sudden it was angelic, pure, and sweet. When he sang the lyrics to ‘I Don’t Wanna Grow Up’ I thought for a second at some point he was going to say it was because he was a Toys-R-Us kid,” mused Josephson. “He kept bringing up stuff about turkey vultures and donkeys between songs, but because his voice was so high it didn’t feel insightful—more like a kid saying the darndest thing.”

Medical consultants have recorded situations when small maladies affect large aspects of a band’s performance.

“Angus Young was one! For years, every time AC/DC played, everyone assumed he was doing a fun dance with his guitar. But it was a constantly inflamed ankle that caused him to bounce around, we cured it with orthopedic insoles and antibiotics,” said Dr.Kramer, local physician. “For years I would tell my colleagues that Tom Waits needed a lozenge, or in the very least a spritz of Chloraseptic. Heck, I’ve always wondered what the Smashing Pumpkins would sound like if Billy Corgan would use the neti pot I sent him.”

As of press time, Waits announced that he was recording a new album, but to the dismay of some fans, it will mostly be bird calls.

Every Iceage Album Ranked Worst to Best

Posted on by Neel Bhakta

The words “Ice Age” means something different for everyone. If you’re some sort of paleontologist dweeb, it means sabertooth tigers and uncovering ancient sticks our primitive ancestors used to scrape the ice off their Pontiac Azteks. If you’re a child of the aughts, Ice Age was all about Sid the sloth and the rest of those fuckers. However, if you’re unemployed and woefully depressed like us, Iceage is a band of Danish post punkers, notable for the contradiction between frontman Elias Rønnenfelt’s rambling vocal delivery and his poetic lyrics. So sit down and take a journey with us as we rank every album by Iceage, because let’s face it, it’s not like you have any other responsibilities to attend to.

5. New Brigade (2011)

It’s their debut, and well. It’s definitely a debut. It’s by no means a bad album, in fact we’d say it’s a great album. It sets the band’s sound going forward with their raw and fervent instrumentation. But, by pure comparison to the rest of their discography alone, the lyrics on this record feel a bit lackluster. Having said that, these Danish teenagers still outclassed most American songwriters on this album with their grasp of the English language. So for that, +1 to the Danish school system.

Play it again: “Broken Bone”
Skip it: “Collapse,” due to the incessant and ear piercing lead guitar riff

4. Beyondless (2018)

Look, we might get shit on for this placement as this album has the band’s biggest hit in “Pain Killer,” which features Sky Ferreira. If anything, this number 4 spot just proves Iceage is an incredible band with no bad albums, so mull that over before telling us to go throw ourselves underneath a frozen lake, they can’t all be ranked #1 ok? On “Beyondless,” the band seems a bit more playful, both with the instrumentation and vocal styling, with the addition of some solid brass. It’s just a matter of taste and unfortunately, we’re sadistic and depressed, which means we prefer the band’s somber work over this album in particular

Play it again: “Catch It,” “Beyondless”
Skip it: “Thieves Like Us”

3. You’re Nothing (2013)

We don’t know what happened in the two years between this album and their debut record, but it’s clear Iceage leveled up. Maybe it was something in the Copenhagen water or maybe it was the simple fact that the band were no longer teenagers. The lyrics on tracks like “Ecstasy” paint a vivid depiction of isolation and helplessness that comes with it while Rønnenfelt drops a Nietzche reference on the song “Everything Drifts.” With lyrics that showcase their flair for literature and philosophy, coupled with the increasingly harsher noise and post-punk elements of their sound, Iceage delivered an excellent sophomore album.

Play it again: “Everything Drifts,” “Coalition”
Skip it: “Interlude,” like most interludes, somewhat unnecessary

2. Seek Shelter (2021)

The band’s most recent studio endeavor where the band seems to have solidly encapsulated the sounds of their prior albums while maintaining a sense of novelty. The usual suspects are all here, the dense driving guitars, the slight bits of sparse piano parts on a ballad like “Love Kills Slowly,” and the poetic lyrics that even Genius.com has yet to fully derive meaning from. I’m sure we can figure it out, but that’s too much effort and we’d much rather be willfully ignorant and just nod our heads along to the music.

Play it again: “Seek Shelter,” “Vendetta,” “The Wider Powder Blue”
Skip it: “The Holding Hand”

1. Plowing Into the Field of Love (2014)

Now as much as we’d like to avoid using the word “drunken” to describe Rønnenfelt’s vocals, there’s no way around it. Just listening to this album can raise your blood alcohol content levels by .1%. Even our straight edge friend got a DUI after being pulled over while listening to this album. But, this is peak Iceage, with the trademark brooding and harsh guitars with the added contribution of bright piano riffs as heard in tracks like “On My Fingers” and “Against the Moon.” There’s even a country cut in “The Lord’s Favorite,” which almost fools you into believing the band is from Appalachia. Plus, Rønnenfelt contributes with some of his most poignant and heartfelt lyrics ever. All in all, this is a must-listen in the post-punk genre.

Play it again: All 47 minutes and 54 seconds of the album
Skip it: If you’re really a prude, you can skip “Cimmerian Shade” to move past the breathy moans throughout this track.

Every “Mad Men” Character Ranked by Their Likelihood of Having an Affair With My Wife

Posted on by Dan Rice

I can no longer stay in denial—my wife Tiffany is keeping something from me. All the signs are there. She’s been distant and withdrawn. She takes her phone with her to the bathroom. She reeks of Lucky Strike cigarettes and she’s been letting casual racism fly left and right. It’s all too clear that my wife is having an affair with one of the characters from the critically acclaimed program “Mad Men.”

Figuring out which fictional prestige TV character my very real wife is having sex with is no small undertaking. Luckily, I’m currently in the middle of a manic episode, so I’ve been able to put in the work and crunch the numbers. Here are the “Mad Men” characters I’ve narrowed it down to ranked by the likelihood that they’re the culprit:

45. Trudy Campbell

Jesus, what am I talking about? My angel from heaven would never hurt me like this. Trudy, I mean. My wife is definitely fucking around.

44. Lou Avery

I don’t care how drunk and vengeful she was feeling, there’s no way my wife would let this hack loser lay a finger on her without immediately hanging herself the following morning, scouts honor.

43. Salvatore Romano

He’s funny, he’s charming and he should probably be higher on this list. However, my wife is not exactly his type, if you catch my meaning. You know, because she’s not Italian.

42. Bert Cooper

Bert Cooper gets hard for two things—shoeless feet and Ayn Rand. My wife is self conscious about her bunions and has never even been to Russia.

41. Joan Holloway

There’s no way someone could land Joanie and not brag about it to everyone, even the husband whose heart they’re breaking.

40. Abe Drexler

A lateral move at best. She’s already got a terrible partner full of social rage at home.

39. John Mathis

This twerp butchered Don’s best joke, he would for sure strike out with my overly critical emasculating battle axe of a wife.

38. Greg Harris

My wife has taken self-defense classes every Thursday for the last 5 years. That’s a lot of time, money, and effort for a piece of shit like Greg to lay a hand on her with his windpipe intact.

37. Bobbie Barrett

I find it highly unlikely that my real-life wife is having an affair with the fictional wife and manager of the fictional comedian Jimmy Barrett. She seems happy lately, and that’s not the effect Bobbie has on people.

36. Lois Sadler

Impossible. Didn’t you see the sparks between her and Sal?

35. Jane Sterling

Can’t rule it out. My wife has expressed interest in women and LSD.

34. Francine Hanson

She would seduce my wife just to be able to spread the gossip that my wife is having an affair.

33. Meredith

Meredith and my wife? No. I don’t think so. I feel like I would have heard about that.

32. Jimmy Barrett

At best he cried in the corner watching her get it on with his wife.

31. Paul Kinsey

If my wife wanted to fuck some egotistical hack who writes “Star Trek” fan fic she would just keep sleeping with me.

30. Ida Blankenship

Sure, she was placed as Don’s secretary specifically to stop him from fucking his secretaries, but I’m not ruling her out. Let us not forget that according to Roger she was “The Queen of Perversions of the highest order” back in her heyday. Could she be taking up her old hellcat lifestyle with my beloved wife? I did find a Werther’s Original in her purse last week.

29. Stan Rizzo

Do I think my wife has a secret relationship with Stan that started as purely antagonistic and blossomed into a genuine friendship until one day they both realized they’d been in love with each other the whole time? That depends, does he still have the beard?

28. Duck Phillips

He can’t hold his liquor, but he did once manage to wrestle Peggy’s loyalty away from Don. I got my eye on you, Duck.

27. Glen Bishop

No, my wife is not a pedophile, but as “Mad Men’s” own Betty and Glen have taught us, a grown woman is completely capable of emotionally cheating with a child. I can’t prove it, but I think she cut a clump out of her hair…

26. Michael Ginsberg

If my wife could suss out the sane from the insane she never would have married me in the first place. Anyone who can pitch an unsolicited Jaguar tag to Don and nail it definitely has what it takes to charm my intensely frustrated, clearly looking-for-the-door wife.

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