KENT, Conn. — Film director and musician Rob Zombie reportedly lost his temper with a representative of Carvana when he was offered a paltry $5,000 for his beloved Dragula, neighbors confirmed.
“The last few movies didn’t so do hot so I have to offload some of my cars, but there is no way I’m taking beater car money for the fucking Dragula. You see these vintage gaslights on the side doors? That’s not stock man, I had a guy in Romania custom install those and that alone was two grand,” said Zombie. “I thought Carvana employed car experts, but this dork is standing in front of a one-of-a-kind Model T and acting like it’s a 1997 Honda Civic. It’s barely been driven, it’s got only 666 miles on it. Anything less than $40,000 and he’s getting locked in my basement.”
Greg Phillips, the Carvana representative who came to inspect the car, explained that their offer was based solely on the condition of the car and not its esteem.
“To be fair, we were initially prepared to pay much more based on what he filled out on the form. I understand Mr. Zombie’s reverence for this car, famous as it is. But from a financial standpoint it is literally Frankensteined together from vehicles that no longer exist. On top of that, there seems to be multiple body-sized dents on the hood, obvious evidence of unsavory peoples fucking in the backseat, and the windshield wipers are shot,” said Phillips. “While I am about two seconds away from shitting my pants in fear of the aura this car is giving off, I have to stand by our initial offer of five thousand dollars. Anything more and my supervisor will throw a shitfit.”
Used vehicle experts say that a vehicle’s acclaim does not always equate to being valuable.
“We get a lot of private collectors who think they’re sitting on a hefty payday, but their judgment is usually clouded by nostalgia. I’ve seen lots of Deloreans and Ecto-1s, but I’ve seen even more Herbie the Love Bugs and General Lees’. You know, cars no rational person would ever drive,” said Kelly Blue Book assessor Wendy Smith. “Most of them end up being clunkers anyway, especially the Dragula as it looks like it’s been to hell and back. Don’t get me wrong, it looks absolutely badass. But there really isn’t a market for an evil Munster Mobile.”
After hours of negotiating, Carvana agreed to pay Zombie $20,000 for the Dragula if he also threw in the Cadillac from the “Thunder Kiss ‘65” video.
Neckbeard-y hot take incoming: This is the least Cave In sounding Cave In album. How many times have you seen this story? Band known for a certain sound gets signed to major label, releases a too-polished, overly-produced album that does not appeal to wider middle America audience while simultaneously alienating their core fans. “But… but… isn’t this their most popular album?” Yes, and “The Phantom Menace” was the highest-grossing movie of all time until “Avatar” came out and those are both terrible.
This is a mixed bag of unfinished demos that possibly never got to be refined due to the sudden death of bassist Caleb Scofield. There are still great moments here though, some with an understandably somber tone. On “Shake My Blood” the band’s love of Failure is put on full display. Given time this could’ve been one of their best releases.
Ok, let’s start with the good news. Cave In are still active and put out an album in 2022, Nate Newton from Converge, Jesuit, and Doomriders amongst others is now playing bass and doing the screaming vocals, the first two songs are absolute ragers. Things start to get a little hit-or-miss afterward though. It’s tough to put on our finger on it but something just feels off in some of these songs. You know like when the cast of an old TV show does some hamfisted reunion and you can just tell everyone is just tired and maybe a little strung out? It’s kinda like that.
After their brief stint on major label RCA, Cave In spent a year or so licking their wounds from the experience and returned to their home on Hydra Head and to a sound closer to what many fans remembered. They rediscovered the heavier metalcore sound mixed with the spacey operatic elements while dialing up the experimental weirdness a bit. Most bands after their big-time record deal falls apart typically break off to do self-indulgent solo projects or even worse, form a “supergroup.” Luckily they were able to course-correct here though and avoid the cringey burnout phase.
Not included in the ranking since it isn’t a studio album but a collection of their first hardcore-era 7”s and various songs from compilations with a revolving door of vocalists. Most of these songs were written while the band was still in high school which is astonishing when you think about how most high school bands sound like the inside of a Guitar Center on some kind of “play all of our instruments at once” day.
For many die-hard followers of Cave In, this was their least favorite release on first listen. But just like how George Costanza was able to get a woman to be interested in him by repeatedly dropping a little earworm “Cuh-STAN-za,” this started to grow on people also. (Seinfeld references are still relevant, right?) They went to a weirdo realm on this but kept that shit heavy. Stephen Brodsky takes a bit of a backseat on vocals here and lets Scofield’s screams do the heavy (pun intended) lifting.
A year prior to “Jupiter” Cave In released the “Creative Eclipses” EP which teased out a new direction the band was heading in musically. “Jupiter” picks up right where “Eclipses” left off and yes, the mosh parts and the screaming were gone but what was left was something entirely new. And much like its namesake Jupiter, the album feels like a massive presence with weight that draws you into its orbit of celestial violence and beauty. (Dear reader, please submit the last line of this blurb to the fine folks who hand out the Pulitzer Prize, they are going to shit themselves.)
We’re ending this ranking with their first album which probably seems like we’re just being lazy in our writing but (need joke here). After burning through a few frontmen, the group became a four-piece and Brodsky took over vocal duties on both singing and screaming for the first and only time. Not many in the mathy metalcore genre of the time could’ve pulled off an ambitious 8-minute epic space odyssey like “The End of Our Rope is a Noose” without it being a catastro-fucking-phe but Cave In sure did it.
Dokken “Breaking the Chains”
Slayer “Show No Mercy”
Metallica “Kill Em’ All”
Saxon “Power and the Glory”
Dio “Holy Diver”
Accept “Balls to the Wall”
Raven “All for One”
Battleaxe “Burn This Town”
Mercyful Fate “Melissa”
Motörhead “Another Perfect Day”
Iron Maiden “Piece of Mind”
Torch “S/T”
Trance “Power Infusion”
Exciter “Heavy Metal Maniac”
Thin Lizzy “Thunder and Lightning”
Savatage “Sirens”
Satan “Court in the Act”
Grim Reaper “See You in Hell”
Tank “This Means War”
Ashbury “Endless Skies”
Warlord “Deliver Us” EP
This sentiment was undercut when he proceeded to mistake one of the documents for Marla Maples.
It’s hard to blame Trump for keeping such a sentimental document marking the happiest day of his life.
If executed, this will be the first time a former U.S President has declared “Losers weepers” since Warren G. Harding
“I wish dad got indicted every day!”
“If continuing to trust Trump is a telltale sign of my mental sun-downing then pass me the gravy!”
“The parking lot at Jake’s Jack Shack is huge, the best.”
According to the Super-Trump NFT card stats he’s stronger than Thanos and The Hulk combined, and unlike Superman, he is resistant to magic.
“More like ‘Aileen Can-not!’ Is that something?”
The phrase “we’re talking about a real dog here” was used 36 times.
“We need to focus on dismantling the insidious literacy-to-liberalism pipeline!”
“Let’s just say something tells me I’m gonna be tearing it up in the Florida Keys pretty soon.”
“Shamrock, extra whipped cream, shaken not stirred.”
Joe Biden has called the map “the whole reason I became President in the first place,” and considers Trump “a total dick for bogarting it.”
“Yaas Queens, stand down and stand by.”
Coming in dead last is the only album Beastie Boys ever released that won a Grammy. Which is interesting, considering it’s an instrumental album. I don’t know if the lack of singing is what finally landed the boys a grammy, but it’s certainly the reason it’s ranked last on the list. Not that it’s without its charm. The experimental funky jazz fusion is very on-brand and consistent with the band. But ultimately it feels like it’s missing something pretty fundamental, like you know, everything that makes the group so fun.
This one hits a bit of a sore spot, because it was the last record the Beastie Boys were ever going to make. It was delayed and in production limbo for a few years as the dark clouds rolled in with MCA’s announcing a cancer diagnosis. The final era for the Beastie Boys did bring their best music video to date, the form of a short film “Fight For Your Right Revisited” which is kinda the magnum opus of their music video saga. As for the album itself, not as memorable as their earlier work. But considering it came out a good 30 years into their career, it showed promise the Beastie Boys engine still had some gas in the tank. Try listening to this and not shed a tear over MCA’s untimely passing in 2012. You can’t. In fact, I’m crying right not just thinking about it.
I’ve never been to New York City, I’m not sure if I’ll ever go to New York City. But thanks to this album, I don’t even think I need to bother. While a post-9/11 love letter to the Big Apple might seem like a super cringey idea, leave it to the Beastie Boys to produce a record that hits the mark for both coolness and loving where you come from. If that place is New York, anyways. This one is pretty much as serious as the band is gonna get and pretty political in nature. But at least they’re all rapping on this one and the beats go harder than “Hot Sauce Committee.” Just gotta get used to how “grown up” they all sound on this one.
By the time this album came out the ‘90s were in full force and it was clear the band was trying to wash off all that frat boy image that launched them to extreme success in the mid-80s. Clearly that’s not what the band wanted to be anymore and this record was a solid swing at putting some distance between them and previous releases. If you skip this record, you’re really not missing out on a whole lot. They’re still working some kinks out. Are they gonna be more funky, produce some mediocre rhymes or show off some more production skills? It’s a mixed bag, but if you sit through the entire thing you’ll find something you enjoy. Also, nothing else was really going on in 1992 musically, kind of a slow time for auditory arts.
We’re only listing studio albums and there are numerous EPs and whatnot I could comb through to place in the rankings, but honestly the eight studio albums are just fine on their own. The only thing missing was this EP where the band decided to go back to their punk roots before they became massively successful rappers. I’m not going to pick a repeat or skip it for this one, the entire thing clocks in under 12 minutes and it slaps front to back, go listen to it three times in a row.
If I’m going to piss anyone off, it’s probably where I’m placing this one. This is the biggie. The first release that brought all those ‘80s beer-fueled party bangers to playlists all across your local campus for nearly 40 years. For good reason though, the use of samples aligns with the big beats and snotty kid attitudes all too well. Does it age well? No. It aged as well as most things that were widely successful in the mid-80s. That’s why it’s sitting at the halfway mark. While it is a rap album front to back, you’ve still got your punk rock bases covered. They show their early NYHC roots off at least a few times on this one, most notably back to back with “Fight For Your Right” into “No Sleep Til Brooklyn”
Ad-Rock claims this is the band’s best record overall. I’m not going to argue with him, but I do think he’s wrong. Although, this is kinda where the band “peaks” if you want to go that far. By the time this album came out in the late ‘90s, they were already more than well-established household names who can do new wrong. This album further expands on their experimental nature of working with everything in their vicinity and top-quality production. Bass particularly on this album seems more polished and perfected than anything they’ve released prior. This carries a weird techno, almost dance club element in with it at parts. You’ve definitely heard “Intergalactic” at numerous points in your life and that’s the vibe you’re going to feel throughout this one, so crank this one loudly if you’re stuck in traffic to set the mood for everyone around you to also enjoy.
There’s literally no other record out there that sounds like this one. Even as far as Beastie Boys albums, this one is unique. So unique there was a bunch of court bullshit over the number of samples used throughout so there will never be another “Paul’s Boutique.” This also cost a boatload to make and was considered overall to be a bomb, so that’s probably a good sign the album kicks ass. It’s more about consistently establishing how big of weirdos they are when they’re not pretending to be party bros. Taking any weird elements from their first album and just making it 10 times weirder while making it work. This one pairs better with getting high on weed more than it does getting drunk on beer.
Here’s that sweet patch of grass you can roll your blanket out on. This one is just the right balance on the Beastie Boys scale. You’ve got them rapping together, funkin’ together, jazzin’ it out, hauling out some punk tunes. It’s 5 Stars all around and shows off every skill set they have. The first track even whips off the last bit of their ‘80s image of frat boy party nonsense with MCA apologizing, how sweet of them. It’s lengthy, clocking in around an hour to get through. But you’re going on a ride and touching your foot off half a dozen musical styles being held together by that magical Beastie Boys glue that gives this album the number 1 ranking.