Music News: Sublime Teases Release of New Music

Ska Punk legends Sublime are reuniting, with Sublime with Rome now no longer active, Bradley Nowell’s son Jakob will be taking his dad’s place in the iconic ska punk band.

Speaking to SPIN, bass player Bud Gaugh revealed that there is a very good chance that we will be seeing new music released from the band at some point:

“We’ll see how it goes from the rehearsals, but I’m pretty certain we’re gonna see some music coming out with this project.”

Music News: Sublime Reunion Could Bring New Music

Sublime were originally active between 1988 and 1996 before frontman Bradley Nowell tragically died from a heroin overdose at the age of 28.

With the inclusion of Bradley’s son Jakob in the band going forward, it’s clear that the prior legal issues of using the name ‘Sublime’ are no longer there, seeing as it was Bradley’s estate threatening legal action that caused ‘Sublime with Rome’ to become the name of the band for many years.

Jakob said during the SPIN interview that he felt like he had to join the band: “I’m sorry, but without one of the original members of the band, that’s not Sublime. It’s something totally different. And if Eric wants to do Sublime with Bud, and they want me to sing in the band, I felt like I had this custodial duty to pay my respect and homage.”

Considering how tragic it was for the band to lose Bradley at such a young age, seeing his son take up the mantle is pretty cool.

The Hard Times Real News: Are you a Badfish too?

Yes, The Hard Times have a real music news section now, but you don’t need to freak out.

Make sure you check out more of the content we have via our /realnews/ section and if you happen to be a pro wrestling or combat sports fan you can check out my site FightFans.

Read More: Metallica Album Covers Ranked (From Worst To Best)

AT&T Outage Forces Commuters to Listen to Something Called ‘Beefman and The Stroker Morning Show’

DALLAS — Cellular giant AT&T’s massive outage caused disruption to vital services and prevented customers from listening to their preferred podcasts and music during their morning commutes, which forced many to turn to terrestrial radio, confirmed multiple distraught sources.

“It was traumatizing,” said customer Helena Midge. “I began my drive like any other day, ready to listen to ‘My Favorite Murder’ or ‘Doughboys’—but my phone wouldn’t connect. I tapped ‘Try Again’ over and over until I realized something was seriously wrong. In a pinch, I’ll usually settle for NPR, but they were having a pledge drive. Eventually I landed on this horrible morning zoo show and was absolutely mortified. I had no idea wack shit like this still existed. They spent 20 minutes trying to coerce a female caller to take her top off—on the radio! Eventually, I poured my latte into the car stereo and drove the rest of the way listening to the pleasant sound of frying electronics.”

The outage proved to be a boon for increasingly irrelevant morning zoo crew shows.

“Oh my god, the numbers went through the roof,” said Ronnie “Schizo” Trout, producer of the  “Beefman and The Stroker Morning Show.” “For a little while, it was like the good old days, where you knew that almost every one of the cars out there on the highway were tuned in to hear Beefman and The Stroker work their magic. It didn’t hurt that we had one of our classic ‘Wettest Fart’ contests on deck. That bit always kills. And The Stroker was on fire with his sound effects—diarrhea splashes, boner boings, Borat drops. The man’s a true artist.”

Nicole Rafferty, Customer Care Senior Vice President at AT&T, issued a video statement apologizing for the disruption.

“I am humbly asking for our customers’ patience and forgiveness as we work to restore full capacity,” said Rafferty while spraying a server rack with a fire extinguisher. “We here at AT&T feel your pain. Remember, we use the service as well, so our lives are also affected. For instance, on my train ride in this morning, I was forced to listen to a Jason Mraz album I had downloaded to my phone years ago for some reason, probably by accident while I was drunk.”

At press time, several 55-gallon drums of mayonnaise were seen being wheeled into the Beefman studio, fueling speculation the duo were planning on reviving their controversial ‘Naked Geriatric Porn Star Mayo Wrestling’ bit amid renewed interest in the show.

The Top 10 Punk Sub-Genres We’re Pretty Sure Spotify Invented to Screw With Us

Punk music has evolved and expanded over the years. There are now hundreds of subgenres that all fit within the extended family of punk rock. Curious Spotify users can search these genres and the app will generate a playlist on the fly to explore. But the Spotify algorithm is not without its faults. In this era of AI-generated song descriptions and hashtag-obsessed classifications, we’ve witnessed the appearance of new subgenres at a rate that seems suspicious.

Spotify has always been obsessed with classifying and labeling music. Their algorithm is like that one friend who only listens to hardcore and has a qualifying reason that everything else is not “real” punk. Every song must be placed neatly into a genre, even if a new one has to be invented to make it happen.

These punk sub-genres represent the most egregious fabrications that Spotify pulled out of its AI ass this year to see if we were paying attention:

Cowpunk

What do the Dwarves, Tiger Army, and Social Distortion have in common? According to Spotify, they’re all “cowpunk” bands, whatever the hell that is. Is it maybe what you get when a punk band brings in a little blues/Americana sound? There’s really no way to know. Oh there’s some Face To Face in here too? This genre is clearly an inside joke that we just aren’t “in” enough to get. Good one Spotify.

Crunkcore

No, no, no. This is not a thing. Adding synth and drum loops does not make a new punk genre, no matter what Spotify tells us. Nobody who includes Hollywood Undead or 3OH!3 in a list of punk bands should be trusted. And considering that most of the songs in this playlist are from various “Punk Goes…” compilations, it’s clear that this is a genre invented for cover bands, if it even exists.

Minneapolis Punk

The Spotify algorithm clearly learned about Extreme Noise Records and assumed that something was exciting enough up in Minnesota to justify a new genre. While Minneapolis does have a thriving punk scene, we need to draw a line in the sand here. And on this side, we don’t assign new genres to every Midwestern city with a few hundred thousand residents. No thank you, next.

Goblincore

Hey, Spotify? This Pinterest-derived interior design style is definitely not a new punk genre. Just admit that you didn’t really get Days N Daze, and you got confused. They’re not quite crust punk, not quite folk punk, and that’s fine with the rest of us. We don’t need another made up music genre every time your algorithm hears a washboard. Can’t we please just listen to “Flurry Rush” without being harassed by your weird playlist suggestions?

Shibuya Punk

There is nothing that could defend the existence of this as a so-called music genre. The phrase “Shibuya Punk” exists only in niche corners of the internet where nerds discuss Japanese rollerblading games from Sega Dreamcast. And even then, they’re talking about the visual aesthetic, not the soundtrack. This was an algorithm fuckup, right Spotify? Because hey, it has “punk” in the name, just like the music!

Nintendocore

This is a vague label for any song with chiptunes mixed in. The singer from metalcore group Horse The Band used this word one time as a joke in an interview, and to this day they’re still trying to get their fans to stop using it to describe them. But Spotify wants us to believe this is something more than a regrettable joke, it’s a brand new punk sub-genre! Fuck off. That’s not how this works.

Anti-Folk

This is Spotify’s pretend genre for groups who for some reason won’t admit they make folk-punk music. Arguing that a particular band is folk-gone-punk instead of punk-gone-folk is like debating if blueish-green is different from greenish-blue. Who gives a shit? We’ve allowed this streaming giant’s frivolous misinformation to distract us from the very real conversation about how little they pay the artists on their platform.

Millennial Punk

C’mon Spotify. Don’t try to rebrand late-’90s/early-’00s pop punk and alternative rock radio like this. Nobody is falling for it. “Millennial Punk” just sounds like we’re all playing Taboo and we can’t use the word “pop” this round. “Oh yeah, I used to have such bad taste in high school. All I ever listened to was Millennial Punk, haha.” Please just respect pop punk’s wishes and call it by its preferred name. Unwanted nicknames like these aren’t cool, man.

Angry Workout

This is melodic hardcore and songs people listened to in order to get pumped when serving in Iraq 20 years ago. It’s the exact same playlist from start to finish. Here is another attempt by Spotify to take a very real punk sub-genre and call it whatever horseshit they felt like in the moment. Not everything needs an edgy reboot to stay relevant. Just let the classics be classics without rebranding, please. We’re begging you.

Obscure

Calling a punk band “obscure” is pointless and redundant. Everybody knows that once a punk band achieves mainstream success, they are no longer considered punks. They are sellouts or posers, depending who you ask. This invented genre of “Obscure Punk” is an offense to hard-working punks everywhere, and we wholeheartedly reject any claims of its existence. Sorry Spotify, science doesn’t care if you believe in it.

Report: 10 People Are Viewing Your LinkedIn Profile and They’re All Getting Off To It

CHICAGO – An ongoing investigation found that, at this very moment, 10 people are looking at your LinkedIn profile and becoming insatiably aroused, multiple sweaty sources report.

“Oh fuck, a ‘go-getter’ and a ‘team player’ is like my wet dream,” recruiter Gina Logan said longingly as she read your bio, barely having a moment to catch her breath before seeing that you strongly believe cooperation is essential when it comes to achieving excellence “And ‘my career trajectory has shaped my life, and vice-versa?’ God, I need some air. I know for sure I’m not the only one who thinks this is unbearably erotic.”

Though LinkedIn has no shortage of desirable young, networking professionals like yourself, your account, in particular, has turned heads and stimulated nether regions in ways few others could ever begin to even dream of.

“This is why I pay for premium,” Fidelity Investments account manager Vince Schofield said while moaning in utter satisfaction as he slowly scrolled down and saw that you’re endorsed for both Digital Marketing and SEO. “I keep meaning to shoot a message where I say how much I’m into Sociology and Psychology double majors, but I don’t wanna come across as creepy. Is three winky face emojis too much? Fuck it, I’m doing it anyway.”

In addition to spurring lustful thoughts in these not-so-secret admirers, your LinkedIn profile, with a professional headshot of you giving that tawdry smile that screams “synergy-minded,” is spawning an enormous amount of sexuality discourse.

“The nature of arousal and attraction has never been a simple topic, of course,” sexologist Anita Stanfield said.  “And judging by the response to this LinkedIn profile, it’s only gotten more complicated. We may think that our society has become sexually desensitized, and in a way, we have. But if there’s anything this profile proves, it’s that we can just as easily become ‘re-sensitized. I’m sorry. I better put it down before I get too carried away.” 

At press time, none of the 10 people currently getting off to your profile are able to offer any employment at this time. However, they will all keep your resumé on-file and reach out in the event of any future openings. 



How To Make Him Notice You by Emerging From the Bushes

Ever find yourself in desperate desire of being noticed by your crush, but despite everything you do, he still doesn’t seem to even know you exist? Look no further: we have the perfect guide to finally getting him to look your way, the first step being emerging from the shrubs where you’ve been secretly crouched for hours on end.

Girl, get out of those bushes!
We know it’s hard, as bushes provide a veil of secrecy unrivaled by most other foliage. But the first step to being noticed by your crush, or anyone for that matter, is revealing your hiding place. He might be surprised or shocked at first, exclaiming something like: “Have you just been crouching here behind me for the past 3 hours?” But look on the bright side: at least he is talking to you! In five year’s time, you’ll be telling your children this story.

Brush off those leaves
Don’t forget to brush off the leaves and dirt that have accumulated while you were burrowed deep in the encompassing tresses of the bush. After all, you want to look your best when you abruptly appear in front of him. At the same time, you don’t want to make it look like you’re trying too hard, so it can’t hurt to leave on one or two sticks so he doesn’t think you did yourself up just for him. Once you have emerged from the leaves and cleaned yourself up, he will have no choice but to say: “Seriously, have you been spying on me? And why are you wearing a disguise?”

Take off your disguise

If you really want your crush to notice you, you will have to go beyond just emerging from your hiding place, and will also have to remove your trench coat and fake mustache that have been keeping your identity a secret all this time. This step can also be hard, as your disguise has allowed you to move in stealth even when there aren’t any nearby bushes. But think about it this way: don’t you want him to see you for who you are? Not a mustached man, but, in fact, a shy girl who has been watching him from the bushes for the past six years?

Prepare an exit
The most important part of a conversation with your crush is the dismount. Your last step is to find a smooth and suave way of returning to the bushes, so suave that he might leave thinking the whole thing was a hallucination. If, through the binoculars, he looks like he’s beginning to doubt the reliability of his own senses, that’s a sign he likes you!

Man Who Experienced Ego Death Sure Loves Flaunting It

COLUMBIA, Mo. — Local psychedelic enthusiast Sam Roscoe, 27, is reportedly seizing every given opportunity to flaunt his ego death as an exercise in parading his newfound humility, confirmed multiple sources tired of the subject.

“I used to be so insufferable before the ego death I had during my most recent trip,” said Roscoe. “I was like a big walking ego, seeking validation from everyone around me. But now? I’ve ascended to a level of modesty so profound that you probably can’t even comprehend it. Think like the Buddha but with better hair. No longer am I confined to my own perspective. I’m one with the world now, in the sense that I plan on sharing this story with everyone in it.”

Roscoe’s longtime friend, Carson Clover, detailed the noticeable shift in Roscoe’s behavior after his psychedelic experience.

“His ego was definitely more dead before he took the shrooms,” said Clover. “Or perhaps his ego did die, only to be immediately reincarnated as a giant flashing neon sign that follows him everywhere. I cannot stop him from talking about how enlightened and empathetic he is, and trying to convince me to drop acid with him because I need to ‘get on his spiritual level.’ All I know is that a brave soul needs to slay his ego once and for all. Just do us all a favor and put the damn thing out of its misery, for my sake.”

Dr. Janine Park, a psychiatrist specializing in psychedelic therapy, offered her insights into the phenomenon of ego death.

“Psychedelic experiences can be profound and transformative,” explained Dr. Park. “But you must always be careful, lest you risk becoming what we in the industry refer to as ‘enlightenment bros–’ individuals who use their spiritual experiences not as a means of growth, but as bragging rights to their buddies and a chance to rack up karma on r/shrooms. Mr. Roscoe’s situation is quite unfortunate, really; it’s like watching a butterfly emerge from its cocoon, only to realize it is still, in fact, a teeny little caterpillar.”

At press time, witnesses were stunned as Roscoe held a funeral for his ego, complete with fireworks, in a public park.



Alabama Supreme Court Set to Decide Constitutionality of Pulling Out

MONTGOMERY, Ala. — The Supreme Court of Alabama ruled in a groundbreaking decision that embryos are “extrauterinal children” and plans to next decide the Constitutionality of “pulling out,” sources confirmed.

“This is just the beginning in an important line of cases. We’ve got a major constitutional question on our hands,” said Chief Justice Tom Parker. “‘Pulling out’ prevents life. Now, like an embryo, does that beefy load have rights? We need to interrogate this and come to a decision on whether or not cream pies are the only way Alabamans should be having sexual intercourse. And, if so, who’s to say eggs aren’t life? They’re one of the two main ingredients. Which begs the question? Is menstruation murder? Legal minds should confer.”

Alabama citizens took to the streets to display feelings about the ruling with many displaying protest signs, while others vocalized their support.

“The only one who regulates me is God. So I’m not one for the government interfering in the personal lives of others unless it’s clearly what God wants. And if the government is carrying out what my religion wants then I ain’t got a problem with it,” said Prattville resident Billy Ray Hunter. “This doesn’t affect me much anyway, my wife died when a mule kicked her in the belly back in ‘06. I never found the time to remarry, besides, the doctor said my Mountain Dew habit killed most my swimmers anyway, so I ain’t worried anyhow.”

Legal scholars and law professors weighed in on the future of Alabama sexual fluid law.

“This decision does carry significant weight,” said Law Professor Patty Grant, “We’ve seen sort of a slippery slope argument being made with the legality of future IVF treatment facilities, and that’ll be furthered if the ejaculation evacuation is effectively outlawed. We might soon live in a state where male masturbation is outlawed. We may see a day when semen is considered ‘extra-testicular children.’ This is just a small glimpse of what the future could hold.”

At press time, Alabama’s most Googled search term became “can you get pregnant in hot tub.”

Every The Living End Album Ranked Worst To Best

Psychobilly and punk rock icons The Living End briefly infected in the best way US and A’s rock radio stations with their blistering single “Prisoner of Society” from their flawless self-titled debut studio album in the late-’90s, but as the years rolled on, their fanbase dwindled here, whilst growing rapidly in their native Australia. Such a seismic shift would drastically modify a band’s gumption and create an internal state of emergency, but TLE took it in stride and made seven more solid albums. We ranked all eight of ‘em below, and no, “Hellbound” and “It’s for Your Own Good” do NOT count here, as we are sticklers for accuracy, and both of those gems are EPs. We may not need no one to tell us what to do, but our heads and hearts just can’t mislead the globe with such an unforgivable gaffe.

8. “Shift” (2016)

The Living End’s seventh full-length studio effort, was the one with the longest/widest gap between album to album, and said stat didn’t do the band any favors in any way, as it likely was one of many catalysts in making the album lose this competitive medal ranking race via the non-honorable stinker #8 position. Still, ANY record from The Living End is a gift from the lord above, so we’re not that made about this one, and we’re glad that the band kept on running to a German sounding and tasting follow-up LP. If you had the chance to see the band on this album’s run through the United States, you are not only a rare breed, as TLE NEVER comes here, but you’re lucky as well… Few bands match The Living End’s musically dense power trio sweat-soaked live set!

Play it again: “Keep On Running”
Skip it: ⅓ of it

7. “Wunderbar” (2018)

Perhaps the fact that The Living End’s eighth and final full-length studio LP as of press time, was their lone album to be recorded in Europe, was the reason for its eponymous album title. It’s like that time we went to England and kept saying “the lift” every time we talked about an elevator. And we talk about elevators a lot, but regardless, this album was more of a sonic return to form after “Shift,” so we’ll take our Königsberger klopse with a generous helping of Labskaus and drop the needle on the vinyl one more time. Anyway, the band signed with notable metalcore and post-hardcore label Rise Records, and said partnership may not make sense on paper, but it sure does in our reverential Warped Tour hearts.

Play it again: “Otherside”
Skip it: ¼ of it

6. “The Ending Is Just The Beginning Repeating” (2011)

The first solid LP referenced here, The Living End’s sixth full-length LP is ranked sixth here, and had the unfortunate statistic of being the first follow-up to the perfect “White Noise.” While it sadly didn’t make much of a dent domestically, likely because few people here even knew that the band existed anymore, “The Ending Is Just The Beginning Repeating” did the polar opposite in Australia, and actually won the ARIA (Australian Recording Industry Association Music Awards) Award for the Best Rock Album. Produced by Nick DiDia of Powderfinger, Dirty Honey, Nine Days, and GG Allin notoriety, and mixed by Brendan O’Brien of every band in the early-’90s fame, this album is one of the better-sounding releases from TLE and truly deserves your both attention and time in the morning and evening, but definitely NOT the afternoon, but that’s for another day.

Play it again: “Machine Gun”
Skip it: “Ride The Wave Boy”

5. “State of Emergency” (2006)

One step behind? Maybe? Anyway, we here truly feel that The Living End’s fourth LP is their first one to have zero chance here in the United States of America/Benetton for many reasons and one being that the powers above are a bunch of meatballs, but the band certainly didn’t act as if they knew or were aware of any of that, as it rocks and rolls from Alabama to ambulances. In addition, said record not only is their second highest selling effort in Australia, but it debuted at the number one position on the aforementioned ARIA charts… NUMBER. ONE! Reborn. Still we don’t know what’s on your television, mobile phone screen, or, wait for it, radio, but we do know that several songs from “State of Emergency” are on Aussie  devices and that makes their vegemite much, much, much spicier and chock full of taste.

Play it again: “Til The End”
Skip it: “Order Of The Day”

4. “Roll On” (2000)

The Living End’s sophomore LP was far from a slump musically, and less like a hyperactive version of The Stray Cats a la their debut album and more like a more straight-ahead version of the late-’70s British punk rock scene, in a truly good way. Also, not enough credence is given to drummer Travis Demsey for his work on “Roll On,” of whom this is his last record, but we want you, the uber-smart and savvy reader, to recognize such, as well as to bow down to his replacement, the beyond capable Andy Strachan, and pray to the heavens regarding the epically awesome mainstays of TLE, vocalist/guitarist Chris Cheney and upright bassist/vocalist Scott Owen. Fun fact that is funner than you think: This album is also the band’s first of many to feature the band on its cover. In closing, DON’T SHUT THE GATE!

Play it again: “Pictures In The Mirror”
Skip it: “Astoria Paranoia”

3. “MODERN ARTillery” (2003)

Short notice? So what! One said to the other that while entries number four and three here may change on the day, the week, month, year, Jimmy, or the freaking decade, the more, uh, modern entry wins today over the smelly gymnastics mat entry, so “MODERN ARTillery” wins the bronze medal; in the end, that’s all that matters anyway. If you want to be a saucy little tomato, start your listen to “MODERN ARTillery” with its epic final track for the “play it again” highlighted song, “The Room,” and try not to marvel.  Also, track four here, “End of the World,” has the distinction of being featured on the soundtrack for “Tony Hawk’s Underground 2,” which undoubtedly exposed the band to poser dorks like you worldwide. Yes, we are certainly putting you down, and no, we won’t hold or let up.

Play it again: “The Room”
Skip it: “Rising up from the Ashes”

2. “White Noise” (2008)

It’s quite fitting that “White Noise,” The Living End’s fifth full-length studio album, came out almost exactly ten years after the band’s self-titled debut was released, AND that it’s easily their second best… NUMBER FIVE IS NUMBER TWO! Sadly, “Wunderbar” came out ten years after this LP and it isn’t in the bronze slot in this piece or anywhere else, so we hope that TLE puts out another full-length in 2028 to counter Germany. Like pretty much every album after #1, there were crickets domestically for The Living End, but “White Noise” would have pleased American fans of Green Day, Jack White and Led Zeppelin, so open up your ears, jackasses! FYI: There are no “skip it” tracks for this record and the gold medal winner below. If you disagree, take it up with the other Karens in your life and check your ego at the end of the world.

Play it again: All forty-four minutes and twenty-six seconds front to back
Skip it: Black silence

1. “Self-Titled” (1998)

What more could be said about one of the more underrated/sufficiently aggressive rock debuts of the 90s? Well, like we stated so epically in the last section, there are no “skip it” songs on this LP or on the silver medal-winner, so if that monumental chosen statistic by yours truly doesn’t get you to log into your bloody sister Mary’s Tidal account and stream a track, thus donating a more than whopping .0004 cents to The Living End’s former record label, our second solution indicates that we don’t know what will, and that makes us feel trapped and torn down in a bloody riot. Still, we’ll be here next Saturday regardless, with American assault rifles and our heads down low. The ending of this piece is closing in on us all, so if you only have an hour left to live, listen to “The Living End”.

Play it again: You read this far so you know the answer
Skip it: You read this far so you know the answer

We Rank the Characters from “Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue” Based on How Likely They Eventually Got Addicted to Drugs

“Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue” was arguably one of the most exciting crossover events of many Millennial childhoods, despite it being an unabashed D.A.R.E. promotion. For the uninitiated, the premise is that the hottest Saturday morning cartoon characters of 1990 spring to life so they can lecture a teen named Michael a valuable lesson about how weed and alcohol would eventually lead him to hard drugs and living in a never-ending nightmare hellscape. It’s as corny as it sounds, but when the hell were we ever going to see Ninja Turtles and Muppet Babies sharing screen time?

But as we reach the 34-year anniversary of its debut, one question remains: what’s the likelihood these animated anti-drug advocates would turn to drugs after the special faded from memory? We ranked all the characters with number one being the most likely to be a complete junkie.

12. Slimer

It was clear by the early ’90s that Slimer was the star of “The Real Ghostbusters,” but the likeliness of him feeling the crushing weight of carrying the show (and haunting Michael’s house for some reason) wouldn’t lead to any significant substance abuse, on account that he is already dead.

11. ALF

We could’ve sworn ALF was a puppet, but I guess his agent busted the execs at CBS’s balls to be in on this thing. Regardless of him being retconned as a cartoon for the purposes of drug abstinence, it’s hard to imagine him tripping balls unless eating cats gives you some kind of natural high we’re not aware of.

10. Garfield

Well he’s a lasagna addict that’s for damn sure, but aren’t we all? Now let’s keep in mind this production was from a time when Garfield was actually funny and needed to bring his A-game and be “on” all the time, a little pick me up every now and then might be necessary. Perhaps all those naps were combination food/barbiturates comas?

9. Smurfs

It’s hard to believe that there isn’t a single mushroom-shaped Smurf dwelling that doesn’t have hallucinogenic properties. Our money is on Brainy Smurf, on account it’s always the ones you least suspect. Who the hell knows what he’s cooking in that lab of his?

8. Daffy Duck

The gruesome, and sometimes self-inflicted, injuries Daffy has endured over the years make him a prime candidate for relying on oxycodone just to get through a day of filming. He’s old-school Hollywood, after all.

7. Bugs Bunny

You can only take so many wrong turns at Albuquerque before people suspect you’re burrowing under the influence. It also doesn’t help his case that he makes his appearance in this special as a cop, so there’s a pretty good likelihood he’s helping himself to the goods in evidence storage, if you catch our drift.

6. Tigger

You cannot convince us that Tigger isn’t a meth addict. I mean just look at him! And the fact he makes his appearance special by bounding out of the bushes unannounced doesn’t help his case either.

5. Winnie the Pooh

The jury is still out on Pooh though. He’s much too chill to become a junkie, but it wouldn’t be shocking to find out he “accidentally” ingests Himalayan mad honey on a regular basis.

4. Michaelangelo

Truth be told, the future was never looking bright for Mikey. He can lambast others about drug-induced poor decision-making, but fact is that an incalculable amount of drugs are flushed into the sewers every year, and given his predilection for partying that makes him a textbook high-risk teen(age mutant ninja turtle). Not long until he’s stealing Donatello’s Adderall to fund his crippling ketamine dependency.

3. Muppet Babies (Kermit, Piggy, and Gonzo)

The one thing the Muppet Babies had going for them was their unparalleled gift of imagination, but that can only get you so far. Don’t be shocked if all those unsupervised shenanigans in the nursery turned into rampant LSD use to expand their minds.

2. The Chipmunks (Alvin, Simon, and Theodore)

There’s lots of evidence that many artists’ best work came to be while under copious amounts of drugs, so it’s entirely within the realm of possibility that the Chipmunks would attempt to leave cover songs behind and write their own material fueled by enough blow to kill a capybara. Coupled with a grueling touring schedule and strict stage dad, the brothers were a sure bet to end up booted from their record label and in rehab by 1996.

1. Ducktales (Huey, Louie, and Dewey)

Don’t let their leading “There’s a Million Ways to Say No” fool you, these are trust fund kids and they are always going to do trust fund kid crap. They’re just one globe-trotting adventure away from smoking PCP at an illegal rave in Thailand before burning through their inheritance on a crippling heroin addiction. Life is like a hurricane, indeed.

Honorable Mention: George H.W. Bush

Granted he and Barbara technically only were in the intro for 30 seconds, but you mean to tell us that he didn’t once try crack before the CIA used it to destroy black communities? We’re not buying it. Just look at his kid and you’ll see the apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree.

Scientists Confirm There’s No Way to Take Off Pullover Without Showing Everyone Your Belly

NEW YORK — Scientists at the Fashion Institute of Technology confirmed there is no way to take off a pullover sweatshirt without showing everyone your belly, exposed sources confirmed. 

“We’ve tested every possible method to remove a pullover, but despite our best efforts, we couldn’t find a single foolproof way to prevent revealing your midriff,” said Remy Knight, an FIT scientist devoted to this issue. “You’d think one hand holding your shirt down while the other takes the sweater off would work, but countless trials have proven otherwise. It’s like texting and driving; people really overestimate their abilities, often with dire consequences. Our other big ideas like clips, tape, or tucking in, have also proven no match for the incredibly powerful force of a sweatshirt clinging to any material underneath. Truthfully, I think we’ve uncovered a new law of physics.”

Colby Barber is relieved to learn he is not alone.

“This happened to me last week when I foolishly walked into an indoor botanical garden wearing a pullover hoodie. As I was hit with a wave of greenhouse heat, I was forced to choose: expose my hairy belly to an atrium full of innocent bystanders or die of heatstroke,” Barber said, starting to sweat at the thought. “I try to stick to zip-ups as much as possible, but then laundry day hits, and I have no choice. I need to be able to regulate my body temperature, but the cost is public embarrassment. It’s almost enough to make me want to buy one proper jacket.”

Shelby Hill works at a company that manufactures pullovers and is working to solve this.

“As soon as we heard this news, we dedicated every R&D resource we have toward this problem. None have succeeded, but we’re making significant progress on a fleece material that causes nearly zero friction,” said Hill. “We’re even collaborating closely with NASA, who are interested in its modest application during spacesuit removal. Between that and our prototype of an advanced adhesive that bonds to only tummy skin, we think we’re on the cusp of the perfect solution. Well, besides zippers. Those and buttons work super well, but we make pullovers, not zip-ups, so obviously, those are out.”

At press time, a researcher was on the verge of successfully removing his pullover while keeping his shirt down but tragically died after forgetting to remove his hat first.