DALLAS — Cellular giant AT&T’s massive outage caused disruption to vital services and prevented customers from listening to their preferred podcasts and music during their morning commutes, which forced many to turn to terrestrial radio, confirmed multiple distraught sources.
“It was traumatizing,” said customer Helena Midge. “I began my drive like any other day, ready to listen to ‘My Favorite Murder’ or ‘Doughboys’—but my phone wouldn’t connect. I tapped ‘Try Again’ over and over until I realized something was seriously wrong. In a pinch, I’ll usually settle for NPR, but they were having a pledge drive. Eventually I landed on this horrible morning zoo show and was absolutely mortified. I had no idea wack shit like this still existed. They spent 20 minutes trying to coerce a female caller to take her top off—on the radio! Eventually, I poured my latte into the car stereo and drove the rest of the way listening to the pleasant sound of frying electronics.”
The outage proved to be a boon for increasingly irrelevant morning zoo crew shows.
“Oh my god, the numbers went through the roof,” said Ronnie “Schizo” Trout, producer of the “Beefman and The Stroker Morning Show.” “For a little while, it was like the good old days, where you knew that almost every one of the cars out there on the highway were tuned in to hear Beefman and The Stroker work their magic. It didn’t hurt that we had one of our classic ‘Wettest Fart’ contests on deck. That bit always kills. And The Stroker was on fire with his sound effects—diarrhea splashes, boner boings, Borat drops. The man’s a true artist.”
Nicole Rafferty, Customer Care Senior Vice President at AT&T, issued a video statement apologizing for the disruption.
“I am humbly asking for our customers’ patience and forgiveness as we work to restore full capacity,” said Rafferty while spraying a server rack with a fire extinguisher. “We here at AT&T feel your pain. Remember, we use the service as well, so our lives are also affected. For instance, on my train ride in this morning, I was forced to listen to a Jason Mraz album I had downloaded to my phone years ago for some reason, probably by accident while I was drunk.”
At press time, several 55-gallon drums of mayonnaise were seen being wheeled into the Beefman studio, fueling speculation the duo were planning on reviving their controversial ‘Naked Geriatric Porn Star Mayo Wrestling’ bit amid renewed interest in the show.